by Elle Harte
“I’m single too,” Callum said, without warning. “In fact, I’ve been single for two years. I did go out on a few dates but I guess with all the work and the customary socializing I have to do because of my boss, it’s hard to have a real relationship.”
“Not even one night stands?”
“You know that’s not me, Jess.” Of course, I knew. I knew a lot more. I knew that he liked to make love when he woke up first thing and I knew he liked it when I ran my tongue over his earlobe or that tiny groove on his back. I knew all his weaknesses and he knew mine. I knew all his strengths. I knew he liked watching cheesy movies but would never admit that to his friends. I loved him for it. I always had. I always will. But it didn’t matter anymore because he ruined it all.
Suddenly, looming in front of us was a gigantic Christmas tree, the same one I could see from the café and it was beautifully lit.
“It’s all my fault,” Callum said out of nowhere.
If there was a way
I'd hold back these tears
“I pushed you away,” he kept going. “I ruined the one good thing that I had. I ruined it because I was too scared. Because I was stupid.”
“Callum—”
“I mean it, Jess. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just messed up and I thought it was because of you, but it wasn’t. It was me, it was all me. And now I don’t even know how to ask for forgiveness. Can you believe that, Jess? I’ve been coming down here for the past two years just to say sorry. But I couldn’t find the strength to come find you. How fucked up is that!”
“Callum, please stop.”
If there was a way
I'd hold back these tears
“I should be heading home now.”
Callum blinked the wetness from his eyes. “Right. Sorry about this.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” he said. “I shouldn’t be dumping this on you. Not at a time like this. It’s the holidays. We should be cheerful, right?”
“Right,” I said, and I wanted to tell him there was nothing cheerful about leaving him but I would be doing it anyway. He walked me all the way home, which wasn’t too far from the café and then he just stood in the doorway, waiting. I leaned in to kiss him lightly on the cheek, just a friendly peck but when I did, he tried to kiss me on the mouth. I almost let him, but then backed away just a little, out of his reach. The world was silent. Every molecule in the atmosphere seemed to be focused on waiting for this moment to unfold.
I should have run.
I should have sprinted to a place where there was no Callum and where we didn’t just have that conversation but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was no longer in this world, I was transported to a different reality, a time in the past or the future, a time where we were together, where we belonged. It felt right, just like everything that had happened until now.
“I can’t believe I just did that.”
My heart was racing. “It’s okay, Callum. Old habits.”
I said, but I knew it wasn’t some ‘old habits’ thing.
I shouldn’t have gotten carried away.
I knew that was a mistake.
Knew it, as clearly as I knew what time it was.
But I was helpless.
I wanted to tell him for me old habits and old memories were everything, but it would have been the worst thing to say. We might end up doing something we would both regret. So, I forced myself to back away so he would have no choice but to leave.
It was an ending, but I wanted it so bad to be a beginning.
But it's Christmas day
Baby please come home
Smile and it Will Be Alright
The next morning, I woke up feeling different.
It was as though my body knew something amazing had happened.
All the nature sounds that I usually hated before my morning cup of coffee, sounded like music. I turned on the TV but I couldn’t focus. The image of Callum standing so close to me, the almost-kiss, hearing his voice again—
I ran a hand over the back of my neck, pretended it was his hand warming my body. I was embarrassed by my own thoughts. I felt my cheeks blush as a particularly deviant thought entered my brain and I forced myself to look at the female anchorperson trying to tell me how the latest bill passed was going to have a lasting effect on the economy. I still didn’t care. Not about the economy and not about the stupid politician, or the rest of the news. In my head, the only news worth reporting was that I almost kissed Callum Matheson and there were fireworks. There was something there, right? He came here to apologize! So, he must have wanted me too, probably just as much as I wanted him. I wondered if his morning was better because of me, just as mine was because of him.
This was not going to end well.
The safety procedures I had installed, were there for a reason. And Callum breached them. The protocol was simple enough: Be single until I become old and earn money, so I can live comfortably as an old person. I know what you’re thinking but it’s not quite as pathetic as it sounds. Oh, who am I kidding, it is pathetic but I had to protect myself somehow. And I was protected because for the past two years, no one hurt me. I was safe. I might have been in a bubble but that’s the cost of doing business. Bubbles are better than heartbreak. The stakes were too high; I couldn’t possibly let myself get carried away.
And yet I couldn’t help the spring in my step.
Equally appalled and ridiculously joyous I showered and spent a bit too much time dressing up for work. I even put on some makeup, a bright colored lipstick. I looked approvingly at the reflection I generated. When I came out of the house, everyone I met, I smiled at them. Some of them expected it, and others looked at me with doubtful stares. I was walking to the jewelry store when I saw Callum and stopped.
He was trying to fit his luggage into his dad’s car.
The birds stopped singing.
The air was filled with some of the most annoying noises I had ever heard.
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I turned my back to Callum to make sure he didn’t see them.
“Jess!” he yelled from across the street.
I wiped my tears and turned to face him.
He tried to wave and one of his bags dropped.
I forced myself to smile.
He was leaving.
Worse, he was leaving without saying goodbye.
I had to make it look like it wasn’t bothering me because what kind of crazy person gets sad over an ex leaving town? “I was about to call you,” Callum said and I knew that was a lie. I couldn’t believe it. After everything he had said and done last night, this was how he chose to do things. But that was Callum for you. One minute, he was the most loving person on the planet and the next he would do something that completely stumped you because it was so unexpected.
But I wasn’t about to let him know that this was bothering me. I couldn’t let him think that he left me stranded once again.
“You’re leaving I see?” I said, going over to him.
“I made plans for Christmas eve,” he said, and I noticed the sudden shift in his demeanor. He absently scratched his left ear. His speech was hesitant, uncertain. “Plus there’s an office thing tomorrow and I had a flight booked.”
He brought his fingers to his face, placed them underneath the chin and in two swift movements, ran them along his lower jaw. Callum probably isn’t aware of it, but he has a tell. I had to assume he was deceiving me for some reason. This is what he’s like, when he thinks he must get away with something. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. I didn’t know what to make of it. If I truly don’t matter to him, why does he care enough to lie? But if he cares, why is he leaving? He knows me. Knows how much it’s hurting me. He didn’t come all the way here just to hurt me again, did he? He can’t possibly be that cruel?
“Of course,” I said, hoping it came out as casual as I needed it to be.
“Jess,” he said, and for that moment reverted to his usual op
en demeanor. His words were sincere once more. “I’m glad I ran into you.”
I smiled again, a big fake one that made my jaw ache. “Yeah. Same here.”
He tried to hug me and I let him but I couldn’t put any warmth into it. What happened yesterday was a fluke, a mistake on both our parts and any effort to continue it would have been an even bigger mistake. I knew that. I’m not stupid. So why was my heart so heavy? Why did it feel like I was about to lose everything again? I couldn’t believe my brain was betraying me like that. The way it felt it was hard to hold back tears but I couldn’t turn this into some sentimental moment, and I didn’t want to waste any more tears on a person who didn’t deserve them. I had done enough of that during the several years we’d dated.
He pulled away when he realized I wasn’t about to get too emotional and went back to the luggage and the car. No lies this time, no tell. “I hope I see you again soon, Jess.”
The truthfulness in his eyes was back and the tears returned to mine.
I hope I never see you, Callum.
The Dance of Souls
Winter formal senior year was the highlight of our life together.
Not only did Callum ask me to the dance when I least expected it, but he also broke up with his then-girlfriend, well-known high school heartbreaker Kelly Gruber. The girl who was known for breaking her boyfriends and playing with them. The girl who had cheated on her jock boyfriend twice, the one she dated before Callum. The jock boyfriend wasn’t too happy about it and there were rumors he had tried to hurt the boys Kelly had used and thrown away, but then someone had helped him come to his senses. Well, whatever senses a guy like Rick could have. To me, all of this might as well have been happening in another world, a reality so different from my own existence, it had a soundtrack.
The only reason that reality bothered me, was because Callum was frequently in it. He was lost to us poor mortals; he had been for years and now he only hung out with the popular kids. Well, we still hung out but that was mostly because we lived right across the street from one another. Our families were friends and our mothers had potlucks together. His family moved here when he was about six and I’ve lived here my whole life. I think his parents needed a change. They wanted the quaint life of a small town, and they were enjoying everything that came with it. Callum, not so much. He hated that he was uprooted from his previous school and he hated it here. But because his parents were not going anywhere, I guess he was stuck. But even as kids, Callum constantly talked about the time in the future when he would be able to leave this town.
I didn’t blame him.
Blizzard, VA was about as end-of-the-world as it got.
Anyway, back to the high school story. Kelly was so pissed when Callum broke up with her, she promptly found another date in the form of Matt Olsen, the same guy with whom she had cheated on Callum and things were extremely awkward, when she kept trying to show-off her new, hunky, quarterback date in front of the entire school and especially in front of Callum and me. Several times, I caught Callum being distressed and annoyed, I wasn’t sure which but he kept trying to avoid them. Me, I was just confused. I had no idea why in the world Callum would ask someone like me to go out with him on a Winter Formal? I guess neither did the rest of the school, because they kept staring at us the whole time. Callum was probably used to that kind of attention and this wasn’t bothering him so much, but it was bothering me. I felt like I was in a movie where Kelly was the main lead, and I was merely playing a bit part. Any time now, the writers would change conflict, and I would be thrown out of the story.
“Don’t worry about her,” Callum said. “She’s just jealous.” Kelly Gruber being jealous of me, I never thought I’d see the day. I could barely keep my excitement. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t get smug, but when it comes to people like Kelly who act like the whole world owes them, I couldn’t help feeling a little complacent. Something about her made me feel anger instead of sympathy. I knew for a fact she was cheating on Callum. I saw her making out with the same quarterback not long ago, and I’d been meaning to tell Callum about it, but I wasn’t sure if disturbing their world would be the right move. Now, though it didn’t matter. He seemed to be over her. I knew Callum and I knew when he was hung up on a girl. Right now, he wanted nothing at all to do with Kelly. I’d seen him go through his various breakups, some of them he took months to recover, but not this time. I was always the one supporting him through those times, so I knew this wasn’t it. He didn’t want Kelly. Of course, I wasn’t going to believe it so soon. Maybe he’s over her now, but the minute he goes back home they kiss and makeup…the thought made me insanely jealous but I had to keep it in the back of my mind if I was going to avoid trouble.
“You seem oddly okay with this,” I tried to keep it light.
“I’ve been meaning to break up with her,” Callum confessed.
“Why’d you wait this long to do it?”
“I wanted to wait until formal.”
“Then why didn’t you wait?”
His eyes were gazing directly into mine, making me nervous. “I realized the dance was too important to go with someone I don’t even like.”
“But you two seemed fine!”
“I know she was cheating on me, Jess. And I know you know.”
“How did you—”
“The whole school knew but me,” he looked devastated for a moment. She did betray him. It wasn’t the first time this was happening either. I don’t understand why people like Kelly seemed to think they could play with someone’s heart like they did. “Look, I’ll be honest. I went out with her because it seemed like the thing to do. We’re both popular, so we were supposed to hit it off, but that didn’t happen. I didn’t even like her. Kept waiting for things to change but I knew it wasn’t going to happen with her. Regardless, I would never cheat. I kept waiting for the right moment to tell her it was over, so I could ask you out. But then, I found out about her and Matt Olsen, and I couldn’t stand it any longer, she had to go.”
“Still, you shouldn’t have broken up with her so close to the formal.”
“Do you really care about her that much? She’s horrible to you!”
How does he even know that?
“She’s fine,” I tried to make it sound like it was nothing but he wasn’t about to let it go. “Please, Jess. You forget that I’ve been dating her all this time! I’m aware of her antics. Honestly, that’s one more thing about her that ticked me off. Her sense of entitlement is through the roof. I couldn’t stand it.”
“Whatever happened between you two, it’s none of my business. It doesn’t really matter to me.”
“Jess, we used to be best friends.”
“I’d like to think we still are.”
“We are but there’s something different.”
I wanted to tell him we had hormones now, that were making everything different and unbelievably confusing, but I wasn’t sure that would be the right answer. I didn’t want to give this thing between us any sexual undertones. Not yet anyway. But thinking about sexual undertones gave me serious perspiration breakouts. I know. Not the most romantic thing that could happen to your body, but there I was, a nervous wreck, and hoping he wasn’t going to notice. What was it about him that always made me so conscious of my own body? I needed to relax. But the more I tried to calm down, the more active my brain seemed to become. “Jess, what’s wrong?”
So, he noticed something was up.
Was the nervousness showing on my face?
Sometimes I hate being me.
“It’s nothing,” I blurted out the words, barely, and then plastered a smile on my face at the end of the sentence. The smile was just as forged as my response, but I hoped he wouldn’t notice.
“Hey, I have an idea,” he grabbed my hand. “How about a dance?”
I felt like Cinderella at the ball. No clue what the hell she was wearing, no idea what people were going to say about me and dreading it. Cinderella at least did
n’t make a joke of herself when she danced. Me, I was famous for messing up. Not only did I suck at conversing with men I had a major crush on, I was also a bad dancer and couldn’t move my feet to a steady rhythm to save my life. But because it seemed important to Callum, I couldn’t say no. “I suck at dancing, you know that, right?”
“I know but I love seeing you uncomfortable.”
“Sadist.”
He laughed.
If I was crushing on him before, that laughter made it worse. Now, I was falling, stumbling at every step, trying to hold on to him; I didn’t even know how I was still vertical. It seemed to me superhuman behavior that my body was exhibiting. “Come on,” he said, keeping his tone light. “I’ll teach you how not to step on my toes. It’s about time you learn, Jess.”
I wasn’t used to being the one hot men danced with at formals; I was the one they thought of when their actual dates turned them down, the one with the ‘good personality.’ I don’t think I’m ugly; but I’m not beautiful either. Not like Kelly and her cheerleader friends, and I could never have her suave personality. There was Kelly, with her tiny skirts and her long legs and her Manolos and then there was me, with the dress sense of a fourteen-year-old boy.
He seemed to be completely unaware of what his mere touch was doing to me. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
He touched my face, gently.
He smiled.
It was enough to assuage my fears.
I let him take my hand.
He led me to the floor and we slow-danced, and I realized how bad I was at dancing and how good he had become. But even though I was clumsy, he didn’t seem to care. He was patient and wouldn’t let go of me. After harboring a crush on him secretly all these years, I finally found out what it felt like to be touched by him in that way. And it wasn’t the Callum I usually encountered, it was a completely different version of him. Callum 2.0. He looked a lot like the Callum Matheson who had been my neighbor and friend for the past decade, but this Callum gazed into my eyes a lot and smiled a lot. No wonder the women he dated were falling for him, they saw this version of him. “Can I tell you a secret, Jess?”
