by A Zukowski
Alex shakes his head. “I’m not judging you or
anything, but what do you get up to in your job?”
“I do what I gotta do.” Chris pouts. “I’m not
answerable to you. In fact, you’re not my keeper,
or…or special friend or anything!”
“I thought… I don’t care I’m not ‘special’.” Alex
draws the quotation marks in the air. More quietly,
he says, “I don’t want you to see this guy again or
anyone else who pays to hurt you. How am I going
to know you’re safe when you’re out there if you let
men do this kind of thing to you?”
Chris’s face turns cold and stony.
“Before you came along, I was fine about selling
myself. Not even to the highest bidder, just the right
amount of money would buy me. And I was fine
with that. You fucking changed me. I don’t even
know how or when. Now I wish I’d never met you.
You’re nothing to me, Alex Whale.”
After the rant, Chris exhales. He stares at Alex
with an impassive face. “Fuck off. Don’t come to me
again,” Chris adds for emphasis. He switches the
light off and burrows under the duvet once more,
with his back to Alex.
Alex wants to say ‘what the fuck?’ but thinks
better of it. Is it so bad to be concerned when your
friend comes home from work covered in black and
blue?
Alex returns to his room and sulks like a lovesick
teenager, staring at his bare walls. He wishes he had
a punch bag. He is hurt, wound up. Fifty press-ups
and sit-ups in the narrow space between the wall
151
and his bed should occupy his body, if not his mind.
Alex is nothing to Chris.
~~~
For days, Chris ignores Alex whenever she sees
him in the flat. Whenever Alex says hello, she looks
the other way, and every time he feels like she has
punched him and his heart is hollower.
About a week later, Alex can’t stand it anymore.
When he’s sure Chris is in her room one night, he
enters without permission, pushing his chest out
and prepared to face her fury. Chris is sitting on her
bed, a cigarette dangling from her lips as she taps
something on her phone. Her stare is harsh and
cold, but Alex stands tall and returns his own glare.
Instead of telling Alex to leave, Chris stubs out
her cigarette, turns the light off, and lies down. No,
no. Alex kneels down next to the bed.
“Chris, listen. I’m not trying to control you or
criticise you, all right? Not like all your previous
boyfriends. I worry about you when you’re working.
It’s not right to be all bruised up because it’s not like
you’re into that stuff. I know that.”
When Chris fails to respond, Alex continues,
“Talk to me. Tell me I’m something to you!”
“No, leave me alone.”
“Chris. You lied about me.” Alex’s voice trembles,
betraying his desperation, because he wants Chris
to know he cares. When he went to prison, he lost
everything and he existed only to go through the
motions. Their relationship has to mean something
because Chris has given him reasons to hurt. The
epiphany makes Alex’s heart thump so hard and fast
152
he fears she can hear it.
Let her know. Let her see how much.
“I said, ‘Fuck off.’” There is little force behind
Chris’s words.
She turns the table lamp back on and sits up.
“I’ve been doing this for years. And before that, I
looked after myself and my mum. I don’t need you
to tell me how to do my job, to protect me.”
She blinks as if to stop her tears from falling. She
whispers, “I wish you were nothing to me. I wish I
could walk away and forget about you.”
Alex blinks. He grabs hold of Chris’s hand. She
stares at their joined hands.
“I do want you to be safe, but I won’t be the big
man trying to tell you what to do. I hate being the
big man. Just…don’t lie about us.” All Alex can see
are the big blue eyes hiding fear. He wants a
fighting chance with the owner of that horror.
Chris’s tears form two rivulets down her cheeks.
She wipes them and stares at the tears as if
surprised. “No one’s safe. Nothing’s guaranteed.
Promises are words that offer false hope. They all
treat me like a freak and leave eventually.”
“I’m not good with words. Let me prove myself to
you. I’m here and I want to be here, with you,” Alex
pleads.
“How can you promise me anything? You don’t
even know me.”
“Then let me get to know you and you’ll find out
about me, so I will be something to you. I’m worried
you will leave when you do.” Alex says the last part
with childish petulance, earning a reluctant smile
from Chris. He knows she likes a challenge.
153
“How can I leave unless we’re together? If you tell
me what the fuck we’re doing, then I can make a
decision.” She arches her eyebrows in a perfect
inverted V.
Alex grins. Now they are getting somewhere.
“That makes two of us. We don’t know what we’re
doing, but will you? Let me stay?”
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Alexander.” Chris
adds, “That’s a line from Brokeback Mountain.”
Alex frowns. “What mountain now?”
Chris sighs heavily. “Never mind. Two het-boys
playing gays in the hills. It’s quite romantic, though,
if you’re into that kind of thing. I’m not.”
Alex nods. Then he remembers what Chris said
about the film. “Would you like it if we do
something romantic, like having sex?”
Chris is silent for so long, Alex thinks there won’t
be an answer. She rolls a joint and smokes as if to
stall the conversation. Alex sits and waits with his
customary patience.
“Sex is not romantic for me. It’s a…commodity,”
she states.
Alex gazes at her, trying to empathise, to consider
something that he assumes to be part of a romantic
relationship.
“No, it’s not for me. I know how this may sound,
but you probably haven’t met the right person yet.”
Chris laughs and gives Alex an eye-roll. “You’ve
gone from nothing to telling me you’re my Prince
Charming. You’ve woken me up from a hundred
years of stupor? I don’t believe in the one and only,
and we’re not going to have angry make-up sex,
Alex Whale.”
154
Alex chuckles. “I didn’t think so. I don’t care
about angry sex, as long as I’ve got angry Chris
rather than sulking Chris because you know what?”
Alex waits for a moment before saying quietly, “I
mean something to you. Admit it.”
Chris chuckles. “If you say so. Are you coming to
bed or what?”
“Can I? Have I su
rvived our first argument? I’ve
not been sleeping cuz you’re not next to me. I
reached out and you weren’t there. I missed my
Chris-shaped lump.”
Chris touches Alex’s five o’clock shadow. “How
are you feeling?”
Alex feels like a kicked puppy. A rather huge
kicked puppy. His depression is a larger-than-life
shadow that trails both of them. His dreams are
reruns of a horrific slice of reality. He can’t forget
the scene that has been so vividly etched in his
psyche, his nightmares and every waking moment
ever since the accident. His horrors can only be
dulled by the pills.
He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’m not better or worse.”
The meds make him feel flat and hollowed out, but
Chris is the spot of red in a sea of blue.
Chris draws Alex’s head close and whispers in his
ear, “I’m here. Yeah, you’re something, Alex.”
Alex grins.
~~~
Chris has coaxed Alex into going out to Soho.
When she comes out of her bedroom, Alex gawks
and swallows. She’s wearing a little black dress,
flesh-coloured tights and her usual jewelled pumps,
155
her make-up understated as always. Her short,
cropped hair reveals two small earrings dangling
from her delicate ears, her long neck punctuated by
a small leather necklace.
As Chris puts her black coat on, she smiles. “Stop
staring.”
Alex opens his mouth a couple of times before
replying, “Can’t help it. You’re beautiful. When did
you start dressing like this?” He plays with the lapel
of her coat.
Chris checks her phone, wallet and keys. “A long
time ago. I enjoyed the dressing-up part of
modelling and acting, even though the rest was
bullshit. I hated the uniforms at school. I started
wearing things I liked when I was about fifteen or
sixteen.”
“At school as well?” Alex asks. She can almost see
him sorting
and
storing
the
Chris-related
information in his head.
“Yeah, I wore earrings, painted my nails, put on
eyeliner and things like that. The school wouldn’t
allow jewellery, so I got into trouble for it a bit. I
sometimes wore dresses and skirts. By that time, I
wasn’t going to school much anyway.”
Alex kisses her cheek. “Did anyone bully you over
this?”
“Oh, yeah, you bet. Some of the kids tried, but I
wasn’t exactly a pushover. I was the tallest in class
for quite a while, even though I was a bit too lanky
to be a good fighter.”
“Wish I was there.”
“I didn’t need no protector. I had a reputation for
being a bit of a headcase. I was a freak and I acted
156
up. That was my weapon against those assholes at
school. The teachers didn’t care to force me to learn
and the other kids kept their distance. A few
taunted me relentlessly but I survived anyway.”
Her school days are simply not something she
dwells on.
Alex says, “I love your independence. You’re a
free spirit, Chris.”
“I certainly don’t need help.”
Alex smiles. “I will always offer it though.”
She winds her arm around him. “Come on. Are we
going or what? You look like you want to stay here
and gape at me all night.”
Serious flirtation hangs in Chris’s voice.
“Okay. Let’s go. I’d like us to do something when
you’re out of that dress, though. Properly. Soon.”
She hits him. “I told you I’m not that easy.”
That earns a dry laugh from Alex.
~~~
It’s ten thirty by the time they arrive at the club.
There’s no way Chris won’t get into the place with
her familiar face and genial disposition, but the
bouncers give Alex a once-over. They recognise him
but are discreet enough to let them through without
any fuss. Chris directs him down to the basement
where he surveys the clientele, taking note of the
setup in the underground room before she leads
him by the hand through the packed floor to the
bar. She addresses the barmen by their names and
gets a beer for herself and a Diet Coke for him. They
perch by a shelf near the end of the bar.
Chris leans close to speak to him above the loud
157
music. “Is this okay? Not too crowded?”
The fact that it’s busy works fine for Alex. Most of
the punters don’t seem to take notice of him. He
kisses Chris’s soft cheek. “Yeah. I’m good.”
The cavernous room isn’t set up for dancing,
though. There’s no dance floor, but a low stage
stands to one end of the central space.
A pair of lean arms circle Chris from behind, and
the guy they belong to kisses her cheek. “Hey. How’s
it going?” He comes around to face Chris and Alex.
Chris returns the kiss. “Mwah. We’re good. You’re
not working tonight?”
“No. I should be fucking studying, but I’d had
enough. I’ll take advantage of my staff discount and
get you two some cheap drinks in a second.”
He holds his hand out to shake Alex’s. “I’m Liam.”
“Oh.” Alex wipes his hand on his thigh and takes
Liam’s. “Alex. I replaced you in the flat.”
“Aye, aye.” Liam’s twang betrays his Irish
heritage. “Everything all right there?”
Alex glances over at Chris, who flashes her
signature enigmatic smile.
“Yeah. More than all right,” she admits.
Liam looks between the two and nods. He asks
what they’d like to drink and wanders off to order.
When he returns, Chris asks Liam, “Who’s
performing tonight?”
Liam laughs. “Victoria Leather.”
Chris coos. “Holy moly. I love Victor!” She turns
to Alex and explains, “Drag act on the last Thursday
of every month. Victoria is exquisite.”
Alex can only imagine RuPaul, even though he
hardly ever pays attention to the programme. Soon,
158
Chris spots a couple of people she knows and strays
over to say hello.
Liam holds his pint up to salute Alex, his eyes
peering over to Chris at the other end of the room.
“Chris is quite a handful, yeah?”
Alex grins. “You can say that again.”
“They’re a bit of a character, like.” Liam utters
the word like a veiled warning.
Alex’s temperature cools with that threat.
“How long have you two been…you know?” Liam
twirls his forefinger once and takes a big gulp of his
beer.
Alex’s smile returns. “It’s hard to say. I’m…
interested in Chris. I can’t remember when we
started.” Everything—the beginning and middle—
was fuzzy, but his beam stays because, somehow,
they
have ended up dating.
Liam raises a single eyebrow. “Intriguing.” He
thinks about it for moments. “I’ve not seen Chris
like this. Ever. The way they smile around you,
acting kinda coy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say
they’re happy. Chris pretends they don’t care about
anyone, but they took me in when I was a fucking
mess.”
Chris has told Alex a little about Liam, who used
to be an escort too until he met his boyfriend and
moved out. The recovering drug addict has cleaned
up his act and gone back to university to study for a
music degree. As a kindred spirit, Alex can imagine
the troubles behind Liam’s eyes.
“It’s good, isn’t it? I mean, Chris being happy?”
Alex asks tentatively.
Liam swallows his beer. “Sure. Yes. Cuz Chris
159
pretends to be jovial but they push people away,
force them to treat them badly. Nasty break-up.
Repeat. So, I guess you guys are doing great.”
Alex smiles. His eyes drift over to where Chris is
talking to her friends. She is laughing about
something and seems relaxed. The warm fuzzy
sensation, now almost familiar, surges inside him.
“We’re taking things easy. Chris is sweet
underneath all that bullshit, you know.”
Liam almost chokes on his drink. “Slow and
sweet? It doesn’t sound too much like Chris. They’re
a champ of three-minute relationships. You must be
special. I can see why you might be a perfect match
for them because they need a great big fucking beast
to tame them, that’s for sure.”
Alex smiles and shakes his head. “Yeah. When I
first moved in, all I could hear was, hmm, her sexual
activities or her arguments with people. But, we’ve
only held hands and cuddled in bed. It’s as if we’re
dating back in the 1950s. We’re waiting till we get
hitched or something like that.”
Liam’s eyes widen. “Wow. You mean…you haven’t
had sex yet? Holy shit!”
Alex shrugs. “I don’t miss a thing.”
Chris comes back and she folds herself around
Alex, interrupting their conversation. Alex looks at
Chris and the blue-green of her eyes, mesmerised by
the mild pink gracing her cheeks and the big smile
on her face.
“Hey, what are you two talking about?” Chris
asks.
Liam gives her an eye-roll. “You, of course, and
how you seem to be totally smitten! I’ve never seen
160
you like this.”
She laughs, rubbing her nose against Alex’s thick
