by A Zukowski
human race in a reproductive way!”
Liam says, “They say two point four, Chris.”
Deadpan as always, Chris ignores them. “I was a
champ at maths in school, me. Decimal, dismal.”
Alex shakes his head and smiles, joined by Ali and
Liam.
“The flat’s nothing fancy, I’m afraid. You’ll see,”
Alex tells their friends.
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“We can’t afford anything else. Alex wants to
leave his security job soon, and I want to work as
little as possible. My arse is getting old.”
Liam rolls his eyes. “Jeez, Chris! We don’t want to
hear about your anatomical details.”
Chris has kept some regulars, but she’s thinking
of other part-time jobs. Money will be tight if she
gives up sex work altogether, but for once in her life,
she has plans for her future and they involve Alex.
She’s going back to school and looking for some
other work experience.
Alex and Chris are holding hands, grinning with
contentment in the back seat.
Liam half turns around. “I was only teasing. I’m
so proud of you, Chris. So happy for you two. You
guys are too sickly sweet.” He asks his boyfriend,
“Hey, what do you think?”
Ali, the quieter one, beams but offers no
comment. Alex rubs Chris’s neck and they gaze into
each other’s eyes and smile.
Ali and Liam help with the unloading and stay for
a coffee, but they make an excuse to leave so that
Chris and Alex can cherish their first night alone in
their new accommodation.
~~~
It has been an exhausting day. Excitement and
euphoria from finally moving out of the shithole
they’ve
lived
in
are
quickly
followed
by
apprehension. Chris has never lived with someone.
No one has gone past all his defences to reach the
three-month stage, let alone this kind of
commitment.
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Caresses.
Alex traces his fingers down Chris’s smooth chest.
“It feels great to have our own place, but it’s been a
long time since I lived with a partner. You’re not
only starting a life with me. You’ll have to live with
my depression.”
“Oh, honey. Believe me, my life with Annette has
tooled me up to deal with personal crises.”
“I’m not sure if I can always get it up. It’s a side
effect… You’re probably looking for some steaming
sex. The woody when I sleep next to you? It
sometimes disappears when I touch myself. I can’t
always revive the little fucker.”
Chris kisses the line of hair down Alex’s front to
shut him up. He lifts his face. “You were great the
other night. I don’t care about that, Alex. We’ll take
it as it comes. Remember, whatever happens, it
won’t change how I feel about you.”
“I want you so much. Some days I feel as though
my dick doesn’t belong to me anymore.” Alex
sounds frustrated.
Chris chuckles. “Because it belongs to me now.
Personally, I think sex is overrated. Look at the
exorbitant prices people pay me.” He winks at Alex.
Chris teases the head of Alex’s semi-hard dick
with his cool fingertips, and Alex’s cock jumps.
Chris sits up, observing Alex’s body and grinning as
if he hasn’t a care in the world.
“Alex, this is what I call an erection, and I’m
happy to see it.”
He moves down again and uses his palm to
massage Alex’s balls while licking and sucking him
at the same time. The divine smell of Alex down
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there engulfs him. He indulges in Alex’s unique
scent. Doing this in their own space means so much
for Chris, this momentous, beautiful thing infused
with yearning and a knowledge that Alex is all he
wants. Being with Alex feels like the first non-
fucked-up thing Chris has done in his entire life.
He wraps his mouth around Alex’s cock, and Alex
follows Chris’s lead, pushing himself deeper down
Chris’s throat.
“I’ve been wanting you…so much.” Alex’s
quivering voice is low and tender.
Chris lifts his eyes and considers Alex,
contemplating all his solid flesh and boldness, his
past, his present laid out for Chris to explore. Chris
cannot tear his eyes away from Alex. He loves Alex
—a feeling that has been so alien—as if he has
learned to see the world anew.
Alex gazes at Chris intently, as though he
understands this fragile, yet strong, connection
between them.
“I love you too, Chris.”
Chris smiles, happiness reaching every part of his
face. “Our first time wasn’t a fluke. You haven’t
forgotten how to have sex after all.”
He returns to Alex’s cock. He has one purpose
now—to make Alex feel good, to chase his demons
away. Alex has awakened his latent superpowers.
They face each other with Chris hooking his legs
around Alex’s powerful body. Alex closes his eyes.
Chris’s senses heighten, shrouded in Alex’s heat.
They move in unison as Alex chases his orgasm. He
wraps his big hands around Chris’s erection and
strokes until Chris lets out a deep and primal groan
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and comes.
“I’m getting addicted to your post-sex smile. I
want to make you happy like that,” Alex says.
Alex’s rough fingertip skates across the scar; it’s
faint but still noticeable close up. On Chris’s inner
thigh, the three-inch line starts close to his arsehole.
Chris touches the mark as he tells Alex his secret.
~~~
I was living in another shared flat. This guy
moved in, and he was a bodybuilder type. We didn’t
get on, but I wasn’t too bothered.
I never had problems before in the flat, letting the
other sharers know what I did for a living. But I
could see something dangerous lurking behind the
glint in his eyes when he found out I was an escort,
as though he had me in his viewfinder. I avoided
him like a plague, but he used to creep me out on
purpose: being too close and making transphobic
remarks because of how I look. One day, I’d slept
late and he should have been at work.
I had woken up about two in the afternoon and
got up to use the bathroom. I wore a long T-shirt.
When I came out of the bathroom, he was standing
there, smoking and watching me, his eyes travelling
up and down my body, leaving me vulnerable to his
hatred.
“What the fuck do you want?” I asked.
He licked his lips. “Why don’t you suck my dick?
I’m sure you’re pretty good to get paid for it. A pair
of firm lips you’ve got there.”
He was wearing sweatpants that were faded and
&n
bsp; too small for him. His hand meandered to his groin
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where the pale grey fabric stretched.
“Are you fucking serious?” I spat and turned to go
back into my room, but he grabbed me from behind
and pulled me back.
I elbowed him and tried to wriggle out of his hold.
He was a brawny gym rat, so he was way stronger.
His iron grip was hurting me.
“Get your hands off me.” I twisted and brought
my knee up to kick him in his nuts.
He only tightened his hold and laughed at my
attempt. The more I struggled, the more he
managed to lock me with his arm. I can still
remember the anchor tattoo on his skin, the fading
blue seeming too vivid on the tan arm. The only
advantage I had was my height, but he was trained
and recognised he needed to drag me down. He
used his arm to choke me and pull me onto the
floor.
I was breathless, but I elbowed him again and
kicked out my legs in the hope I’d loosen his hold. I
upturned the coffee table and everything on it
scattered on the floor. I thought about dying on that
dirty carpet with the contents of the ashtray and the
empty beer cans.
“Stop fucking moving, Chris.”
The anchor was still right under my chin when I
felt a cold, blunt object against my neck. It was a
flick knife. I froze, sweat chilling my skin.
“How about this? You’ll have a hard time selling
yourself with a long scar on your pretty face, right?”
Glee filled his words.
My body stiffened. I couldn’t take any chances. I
went still, paralysed by his threat.
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“Thought so. Stop fucking moving.”
“What do you want?” I asked, my voice barely
audible.
“I wanna fuck you. I’ve never had a man-whore
before. I bet your arse is tighter than most pussies.”
I couldn’t do anything but comply, while the tip of
the knife pressed against my neck. He pushed me
into his bedroom.
“Strip off. What are you waiting for?”
He raped me. He was harsh, brutal and laughing
at me the whole time. He must have seen me in my
dresses sometimes because he kept calling me a
dirty slut and a freak. Hopelessness gripped me
while I was face down on the bed, and I let him get
away with it. I was thankful when I heard him open
the condom packet.
The familiar crinkly sound brought a sense of
worthlessness.
As soon as he finished, I got up to dress, but he
grabbed my hair and pushed me back down on the
mattress. I had longer hair that I usually tied up
then. I stared at his ugly face.
I hissed as the sharp pain seared through my
body.
Wanting to escape as soon as I could, I hurriedly
dressed, while he laughed at me.
“A little reminder for you freaks out there.” He
used his thumb and forefinger to lift my face up.
“And I wouldn’t tell a soul if I were you. Anyway, no
one’s going to believe a pretty whore like you, are
they?”
He released me finally. “Now get out of my
room.”
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I rushed back to my room and saw how he had
shanked me. I used only tissue to stop the blood,
enough to pack my stuff and leave, and I never
returned.
~~~
Chris’s eyes are full of unshed tears, glimmering
in the soft light in their bedroom. He uses his
fingertips to dry off the moisture.
Alex’s jaw clenches. “What the fuck! And you
never reported him?” His fists tighten, as though he
is ready to kill the man.
Chris shakes his head. “He was right. Who’d
believe me? Or care?”
Alex pulls him close in a tight hug. “They should.
I do. He might hurt other people like you.” He
kisses Chris tenderly.
“Like me, huh? After the attack, I hated myself so
much. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but it didn’t make
it easy to like myself. No one respects me.”
“Oh, Chris. You have a pure heart. Did no one tell
you that?” Alex kisses Chris’s cheek. “Was that
before or after the attack on the street?”
“It was after. Yeah, these things keep happening
to me because why? I am queer. I sell my body, so
that implies I’m cheap. I couldn’t fight a group of
men intent on hurting me or a psycho who thought
it was all a bit of fun. I can only protect myself.
Sorry if I don’t try to help other people because it’s
fucking hard enough as it is to help me!”
Chris sniffles.
“Ryan and his men. That’s my fault. I’m so sorry,
Chris.”
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Chris was glad to accept help that day.
“Hey, we’ve been through this. It’s their fault. No
one else’s. Men like them think I’m fair game
because of the way I look, my profession. I hate
them.” Chris’s voice breaks with the heartache.
“No, you don’t hate, not really. You always survive
because you’re so strong and…together. You know
that, right?”
Nonetheless, Chris has pushed the experiences to
the netherland of his consciousness so he can ignore
them. “You think I’m together because I refuse to let
the bastards win?”
Instead of answering, Alex kisses him again.
“Why don’t you cry? Hmm?”
Chris huffs. “I’ve cried myself dry too many times,
Alex. I have few tears left.”
Alex plants more kisses on Chris. “I’m right here.
If you find those tears, I’ll lend you my shoulders or
chest.”
Chris smiles. “There’s a lot of you for me to cry
on.”
“Exactly.” Alex pats the back of Chris’s head as
though he’s comforting a child. So Chris cries,
remembering things he doesn’t want to. Small
details of the attack, the man’s tattoo. Snippets of
insults he’d hurled at him. The cheesy-sock smell of
his attacker’s bedsheet. After a long time, since
there’s a lot to remember, he stops. Alex’s skin is
soaked through because he has offered his body to
catch Chris’s sorrows.
Chris sits up and straddles Alex’s massive thighs.
“Y’know, my middle name is Jay. Christoph Jay
Neeser. Annette’s family moved to England from
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Germany.”
Annette’s lilt, hardly detectable, comes from her
German origin.
Alex touches Chris’s nipples. “Your name’s
beautiful.”
Chris reaches for his phone and taps something in
search. He hands the phone to Alex. “Could you
read this for me, honey?”
“Blue jay breeds in both deciduous and coniferous
forests… Sexes are similar in size and plumage.”
Alex looks up to meet Chris’s gaze.
Chris points to an image of the North American
&nb
sp; species. “The blue and white together are pretty.
Don't you think?”
That piques Alex’s curiosity. “And your point?”
Chris gets like this. His mind operates a hundred
miles per hour, travelling in several directions at
once.
“Annette taught me very little, but this she told
me when I was about four and I still remember. My
dad’s Canadian and from the Algonquin country
park. He was a big fan of the Toronto Blue Jays, the
famous baseball team. He gave me nothing but the
sperm and my middle name. And now the jaybird
has found Blue!”
~~~
Alex smiles.
It’s Chris’s lyrical mind, even though he knows
nothing about literature or prose. Chris, like the
blue jay, has become a beautiful creature, dazzling
Alex every day and adding elegant stanzas to the
poetry in their lives.
305
CHAPTER 16
PRIDE
“I’LL WRITE YOU a reference. I can say you’ve been my
carer for… How long have we known each other,
Chris?” Jeff squeezes her hand.
Chris gazes at Jeff, thinking about their long
friendship. “Six years? On and off. Fuck! You’ve
seen me lose my baby fat… But what I’ve been doing
with you is not exactly personal care—”
“Rubbish!” Jeff barks, but not with menace.
“You’re better than any of these community nurses I
see. Sure, they cover the procedures and make sure
I take my ART and stay healthy. I look forward to
you coming every week. Don’t tell me I’m too old
and senile to notice. You bring expensive massage
oils, nice food, takeaways, trashy magazines and art
books for me to read. You’re paying to come to work
and I let you because I know you’ll argue otherwise.
You care about me.”
Chris can’t help but smile. “Busted. I don’t know.
It’d sound silly if I told you I see you as a friend,
sometimes even a parental figure cuz I don’t have
one of those. I know I have this messed up sense of
the world, but it’s nice to pretend I’m not only an
escort once in a while.”
“You are not only an escort. Not to me. That’s it.
Life’s too short to mind whatever you call me or
however you think of yourself. I’ll provide a
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reference when you need it.” Jeff beams at Chris
with warmth.
Chris kisses Jeff’s cheek. “Thank you. I need
better GCSE grades, too, so I’ll have to start with
those. Damn. Twenty-seven years old and going
