by A Zukowski
Jess’s stomach growls.
“Someone’s hungry,” Chris comments.
“I’ve not eaten anything since school lunch. I sat
at the corner of the dining room because these boys
are always calling me names.”
“That’s dreadful.”
“They’d been shouting in my face, saying things
like ‘What’s with the long hair, JESSICA?’”
Jess has already told Chris about how she feels
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excluded since starting secondary school. She has
tried to tone it down in her presentation. Her mum
has asked the school to let her use Jessica as her
name.
“School bullies are so cruel!” Chris wants to
protect Jess so badly.
“Hey, you’re back early! I’m about to heat up the
oven for pie and chips—”
Alex turns to see Chris bringing the young girl
into the small sitting room.
“Oh.” He wipes his large hands on a tea towel.
Alex was home first today after his day shift. He
usually plans their dinner in time for Chris when
she finishes at the youth club.
“Alex, this is Jess.” Chris puts her arm around
Jess’s shoulder. “Jess. This is Alex.”
She’s put the hood up again, but the black eye
wouldn’t have escaped Alex’s attention. At just over
five feet, Jess looks tiny indeed compared to Alex,
so he stoops down and holds out his hand.
“Nice to meet you.”
Jess turns shy all of a sudden even though earlier
she was so curious to know what kind of boyfriend
Chris has. Jess stands back with apprehension as
she faces the rather intimidating-looking man. She
tentatively shakes Alex’s hand. “I’m…I’m Jess.”
“Hey, are you staying for dinner? I’ll make more
and eat a little less myself!” Alex is trying to be
jovial about it. He and Chris make eye contact over
the teenager’s head, trading an understanding look.
“Damn right you will. Rosie will be coming in a
couple of hours to fetch Jess.”
Alex and Chris exchange a quick kiss. Alex ruffles
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Chris’s hair as a sign of support.
Jess watches the couple. Chris wonders if she’s
thinking about her mum and stepdad.
To distract Jess, Chris steers her to sit down on
the sofa. “Shall I put the TV on?”
Jess agrees. Chris clicks on the remote control
and finds an innocuous game show. Then she leaves
her to search for a flannel, warm water, and some
saline lotion and gauze. Luckily, they bought a small
first-aid kit when they moved in on account that
Alex can be clumsy around delicate things.
Alex puts the food in the oven, then goes into
their bedroom, giving Chris and Jess space. Chris
returns to the sitting room and cleans up Jess’s face
and the back of her ear while Jess watches TV. If the
ministrations hurt, she isn’t complaining.
After Chris cleans Jess up well, they sit side by
side on the sofa. A sitcom has come on after the
game show; they find themselves giggling
occasionally. If only real life was like this, joke after
joke and interspersed with a feel-good storyline.
When the kitchen timer goes off, Alex reappears to
serve up dinner.
They sit at the small table and tuck into the pie
and chips. Alex has improved at cooking after
getting together with Chris, but he’s burned the
food slightly again.
Chris smiles. “You’re supposed to turn the chips
halfway through. Lucky for you we’re hungry!” She
jabs her fork at Alex’s beefy biceps.
Alex pretends to be hurt. “Ouch!”
But he proceeds to stuff his face with a big pile of
food and speaks with his mouth quite full. “Not
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everyone’s like a master chef contestant in the
kitchen.”
Chris
giggles.
“I
like
your
backhanded
compliment, but that’s a bit of an exaggeration as
always.”
Alex laughs, making no apologies for idealising
Chris. Chris worries that Jess will find it hard to be
comfortable with a stranger, a big threatening-
looking one. She seems relaxed enough given the
circumstances.
Jess’s wide eyes show that she is comfortable
there even though she doesn’t get their in-joke. She
probably trusts Alex, too, because of her admiration
for Chris.
“Do you like the youth club?” Alex asks.
“It’s okay, I guess.” She shrugs.
“But you must like some things to keep going
back?” Alex tries to draw her out.
Jess spears a few chips with her fork and watches
Chris sidelong. “Rosie and Chris are nice.”
Chris beams. “That’s the right answer.”
Jess smiles, too, pleased to be able to join in the
chitchat. “And the pizzas are good.”
“Pizzas?” Alex is surprised. “You never told me
that’s on offer. No wonder you don’t have much
appetite when you come home!” He points his fork
at Chris.
Chris chuckles again. “I don’t eat them there.
Even if I wanted to, I’m not fast enough to get a slice
with this lot.” She gazes at Jess with affection.
Jess joins her in giggling. “Yeah, you have to beat
the others to get to them if you want some. We all
love pizza. I don’t mind fighting with the other
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people for them, though. At home, Dennis always
orders them with salami and pineapple and I hate it
with fruit.”
“I hate pineapple on pizza, too!” Alex says.
They pass the time, finishing their evening meal,
chatting and joking. Jess doesn’t seem to be able to
stop smiling. As they take the dishes into the
kitchen and Alex starts washing up, Chris tells Jess
they should talk before Rosie arrives. The kitchen
stands to one side of the sitting room in an alcove,
so Alex keeps his back to them as he cleans.
As soon as they sit back on the sofa, Jess tells
Chris, “I don’t want to go home, especially if Dennis
is still there.”
“I know. But your mum will want you back, I’m
sure.” Chris takes Jess’s hand in hers.
“I know what will happen. They’ll send me away
and I won’t be with my mum anymore.” Jess’s voice
is low, trembling. “I can’t pretend to be a boy just to
please him.” The tears fall. “He’s big, not like your
Alex, but big enough for me.”
Chris hugs her and gently pats her back. “I
understand.”
They stay like that until Jess stops crying.
“We’ll speak to Rosie, okay? She’s a qualified
youth worker. She’ll know what to do.” Chris hopes
she does.
By the time the doorbell rings, Jess is a bit more
reassured. Alex retreats to the bedroom to let Rosie,
Chris an
d Jess talk.
Rosie inspects Jess’s face and the wound on the
back of her ear. “I will take you to report this to the
police. We need to stop Dennis from doing this to
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you, okay?”
Jess frowns with uncertainty. “But he’s living at
home. Can I stay with Chris? They treat me like a
friend.”
Rosie gazes over at Chris who smiles in
encouragement, but it’s not a possibility.
“The police will probably make Dennis go away
for a while until he promises not to hurt you again.
He will not be allowed to stay with you.”
“Really?” Jess asks, her eyes filled with tears once
more, then straightens up. “What about my mum?
Will they take her away too?”
Rosie shakes her head. “Has she ever hurt you?”
“No. She doesn’t know because I’ve been hiding
the bruises. It’s the first time he’s hit my face.”
Rosie states firmly, “Then there’s no need for you
to worry. She’ll have to work with the social
workers, though, so we can all stop your stepdad
from repeating this.”
Jess looks to Chris to ask whether she should go
with Rosie’s plan.
“Jess, I’m sure everyone will want to take care of
you. It will all work out. You should go with Rosie to
the police station.”
“Okay. Can I come to see you and Alex again? I
want to have a boyfriend like you have when I grow
up. A boyfriend who will accept me as a girl.” Jess
flashes her big puppy eyes at Chris.
Chris gives her a peck on her forehead. “Of
course. You can ask your mum to call me if it’s okay
with her. Yeah? And we’ll arrange something.”
Tears well up in Chris’s eyes, as she watches Jess
leave with Rosie.
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“Hey, you’re crying.” Alex has emerged from the
bedroom at some point and now cups the back of
Chris’s head and rests it against his thick neck.
Chris sobs and laughs at the same time. “Very
observant, Alex. Seeing Jess…it’s like watching
myself when I was her age.”
“Hmm.”
“I used to cope with so much shit. Annette,
working, macho boys at school. Not being able to
read and the teachers looking down on me. My
gender. I used to skive a lot even when I wasn’t
working. And I would pretend to be ill. Annette
didn’t help at all. She let me stay home. She never
encouraged me to do anything, other than earning
money. I hated my fucking life!”
“I know, sweetheart,” Alex murmurs.
Chris shivers despite herself. “And being
attacked.”
“Oh, Chris.” Alex swallows hard.
In Alex’s strong arms, Chris stops crying
eventually.
“You’re really good with Jess. Do you think you
may want to work with teenagers instead of babies
and toddlers?”
Chris pulls away so she can see Alex. “If I’m going
to get this emotional with one teenager, I’ll be better
off with preschool kids. Don’t you think?”
Alex grins. “Maybe. Either way, I think you are
brilliant. You’re kind of a role model for someone
like Jess. I can see why she admires you.”
“You’re kidding, right? Me? A model queer!”
Chris laughs while the tears dry on her face.
Alex smiles back. “You are open and honest about
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who you are. You don’t take no shit from anybody.
That’s exactly what the kids need.”
Chris kisses Alex. She will never have enough of
the big man and his faith in her.
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CHAPTER 18
INDIGO
CHANGE.
Alex sits Chris down at their dining table one
night. His expressive hands lay flat on the surface.
“I got the job at the warehouse. It’s an eight-to-six
gig. Five days a week, with occasional Saturday or
Sunday shifts if it gets busy. I can finally say ‘fuck
you’ to Mike. I’ll be home at night. Regular hours
will be better for my depression and sleep pattern as
well,” he says steadily.
Chris agrees. They’ve talked about this, trying to
spend more time together, and the shift work as a
security guard gets Alex down. Chris being next to
him has already helped him sleep, but it’s not
enough. He still suffers from insomnia and
sometimes the same nightmares, though it’s easier
when he can reach out and know Chris is there. Alex
has grown to love Chris’s low snore when he is in a
deep sleep, a soft hum soothing his disturbed mind.
“I’ll ask Liam about the bouncer job at the club in
Soho. He told me they might have some weekend
shifts going.” He reaches out and laces his fingers
through Chris’s.
Chris swallows. “And you’re going to be at the
boxing club too?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to give that up. Coach is
managing for now, but I can’t take it all on because
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the pay is shit.”
He’s coaching an adult class, which Dex pays him
for. The free kids’ session on Tuesday is his passion.
Alex enjoys the club, especially teaching the young
boxers. Devan is showing great promise. Boxing
remains and will always be part of Alex because the
sport has been his lifeline for over twenty years.
“You’ll be—”
Alex touches his finger to Chris’s lips.
Exhausted, working to the bone.
Alex knows how much he’s taking on. “I haven’t
finished. We’ll go and open a joint account
tomorrow. I want you to take care of our finances.
We have my savings too. You work when you have
to. All right? No questions asked.”
Chris stares at Alex, recognising what he is
offering to do so Chris doesn’t have to work as
much. Tears threaten to fall. He exhales.
“You’ll be working a seventy-hour week, Alex. I
wish I had more skills and career options.”
Alex nods. “I’ve thought long and hard about this.
At the moment, this is the only way. It’s what we
have to do and I’m happy, okay? We’re good, aren’t
we? And that’s all that matters.”
Chris bites his tongue between his teeth, but he
can’t quite stop the feelings bubbling up inside of
him. “I’ll look for other work. Rosie mentioned that
they might be able to afford an assistant at the
youth club as a part-time position. It won’t pay
much, but…”
Alex leans across and kisses Chris. “Then, you’ll
apply for it, right?”
“Right.” Chris smiles through the tears.
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~~~
Chris is visiting Southend with Alex. He has never
been to Essex, despite the fact that it’s an hour or so
from London. He’s a Londoner through and
through, so outside of the M25 ring road is terra
incognita. They’ve ridden th
e Tube to Barking, and
from there the train takes about forty minutes.
Dagenham, Hornchurch, Basildon. Places merge
into one another like an extended suburb of
London, except for the green spaces and flat fields.
“Will I actually see the sea?” Chris asks, his face
dreamy as he contemplates the landscape flying
past through the train window. He doodles on it
using the condensation drops, a childish habit he’s
maintained.
Alex smiles. “Yes. It’s called Southend-on-Sea for
a reason.”
Chris’s eyes widen like a kid who has never seen
the ocean. “Will you take me there? I’m twenty-
seven but I can count the number of times I’ve seen
the sea on one hand. Annette was not one to take
me on trips.”
Alex touches his lips to Chris’s short hair. “Sure.
There’s the Pleasure Beach, but it’s out of season
now so there won’t be much going on. We can walk
along the promenade. I’ll even buy you an ice
cream. How’s that?” There’s a hint of glee in his
voice.
Chris glances at Alex sideways. “That’ll be
dandy!”
“There’s always the indoor rides and the
amusement arcade if you’re inclined.” Alex smiles.
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“Wow, you’re really spoiling me, Alexander.”
Chris pouts.
Alex’s eyes twinkle as he shakes his head. “Let’s
see how you feel after meeting my folks. You’ll think
we’re all tossers and want to go back to the Big
Smoke right away.”
Chris gazes at the cloudy sky again, as though he’s
hoping to catch something interesting. “I have a
very low expectation of blood families. I might find
something I like among yours.” He gives Alex a
toothy smile, flashing his dimples. Alex laughs in
response. “Is there a carousel at the fair?”
“Like a merry-go-round?”
Chris nods.
Alex can’t stop the giggles. “I guess so. It’s been
years since I’ve gone to the pier.”
Chris takes Alex’s hand. “I’ve never been on a
carousel. Will you take me, even if we’re going to
look ridiculous?”
“I don’t remember ever riding one either,” Alex
admits. “And you never look ridiculous, no matter
how much you try, especially in the morning when
your hair’s standing up and you have sleep marks
on your face. You’re kinda cute.”
Chris touches his hair to make sure it’s not too
messy for Alex’s parents. “Leave my face alone. A
