“I love you,” she whispered.
“Not nearly as much as I love you.”
Dr. Marino tapped on his door before entering through it. I think in medical school they’re taught a blank stare so patients don’t know what they’re thinking. It took him five steps, five seconds—each an eternity—from the time he opened the door until the time he sat on his chair. He cleared his throat and swallowed.
I knew he didn’t have good news. Deep down in my soul I knew he was about to drop the biggest bomb of my life.
“We have the results of your PET scan, Emilia,” he said calmly.
Emilia gripped my hand. This was it.
“The cancer has spread.”
The cancer has spread . . .
The. Cancer. Has. Spread. Again.
There wasn’t enough air in the world to mollify the pain I felt. I’d been punched in the gut and was gasping for breath.
“The PET scan shows that it has spread to your liver, spleen, and your lymph nodes. You’re at stage four ovarian cancer. ”
Stage four . . .
“There are a couple of clinical trials we can apply for.”
She’s dying . . .
I was losing her . . .
“There is a study being done in Switzerland where a patient like yourself receives a high dose of chemotherapy followed by a stem cell treatment.
The floor was being ripped out from underneath me.
There were so few options. I had done my research. I had read every single possible article about ovarian cancer.
Stage four . . .
The cancer has spread . . .
Based on articles I’d read, her chance of survival was ten percent. Ten.
How could I explain to Lyra that she was losing her mom?
How could I explain to my soul that it would roam the earth on its own never finding a soulmate again?
I couldn’t think like that.
It was ten percent. But it wasn’t one percent. If we had to go to Switzerland for a clinical trial, then that’s where we would go. We would fight this. This was no longer a bump in the road. It was a fucking mountain, but together we would climb it. We would get over it.
Because we still had ten fucking percent.
“No.” Emilia’s words ricocheted off my body. “I just want to go home.” My eyes blinked rapidly.
I looked over at her as she was wiping the tears that were streaming down her face.
“Em, what do you mean you want to go home? We can do something!” I’ll go to the end of the world for you. We can fight this. It’s ten percent.
Emilia shifted her body toward me. Her heart must’ve been broken because I could see it in her face. Her eyes were filled with tears, her nose was red and her lips quivered as she tried to talk. “This took my mother from me. My mother died in the hospital where I couldn’t say good–bye, where she couldn’t hold me. She died in a hospital bed at two in the morning while I was asleep.” Fresh tears ran down her face. “I don’t want to die in a hospital room. I don’t want to get a high dose of chemo and random treatments. My cancer has grown so much in two weeks. How much more is it going to grow in another week, Weston?”
She took my hands in hers. “I don’t want Lyra to remember me sick in a hospital room. I don’t want her to remember her last days with me being shoved around from country to city to wherever.” I shook my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I want her to remember me, her mom, tucking her in at night, reading her a bedtime story, watching movies, and playing games. That‘s how I want Lyra to remember me. So no, I don’t want to join a clinical trial. I want to go home. I want to die at home.”
I bowed my head as tears ran from my face. I had begged God to save her. And he didn’t. What the fuck was the point of having faith?
“Emilia, are you sure about this?“ Dr. Marino asked.
“Yes.” She nodded. “I want the ports out of my body. I want to feel human before I die. I don’t want to be connected to a machine as a take my last breath.” Her voice trembled. “How long do I have left? If I stop treatment, how long do I have?” Her words felt like fire burning on my skin.
“Six months, maybe less.”
“Will it hurt?” Emilia asked.
“You’ll have hospice care. It will give you better quality days.”
“Fuck this!” I pushed off the floor and kicked the chair back. “I’m not going to sit here while you two discuss how you’re going to fucking die. You’re not supposed to die! I’m not going to bury you. You’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with me. We’re supposed to grow old together! We’re supposed to watch Lyra have kids of her own. Be the grandparents who spoil their grandkids and retire to fucking Florida! You two want to sit here and have this fucking conversation about how you’re going to be comfortable when you die? Well, I’m not listening to this bullshit.”
I yanked the handle of the door and stormed out of his office.
Broken.
Alone.
She wanted to die.
I slammed the car door shut. Burying my face in my hands, I screamed. I screamed until my voice was hoarse and my throat felt as if it was on fire.
Why was life being so cruel?
Without even looking at it, I grabbed my vibrating phone out of my pocket and slammed it against the windshield. A spider web crack grew on my windshield even as my phone shattered into tiny pieces.
My body was numb as I stared at the glass, wondering how my life had changed so much in a year. Then it dawned on me how different my life would be a year from now. How different the world would be a year from now when Emilia was no longer in it.
I sat there for a few minutes unable to breathe, my heart shattered. Emilia tapped on the passenger side window, startling me before she opened the door. She didn’t say anything as she sat and gazed out the window.
I turned the car on and pulled out of the parking spot. The interior was silent as we listened to the passing of the cars around us and the tires pressing against the asphalt. I couldn’t breathe. It felt as if the oxygen in the car had been vacuumed out. The car began to shrink. I couldn’t hear anything as my thoughts kept screaming at me. She was dying. There would be a world without Emilia. Unable to breathe or think clearly, I pulled off to the side of the road, slammed the car into park and kicked the door open.
My breathing was irregular and I gasped for air. My fingernails ran across my scalp as I attempted to calm myself.
“Weston, where are you going?” Emilia shouted from behind me.
“I just need some time.“ I shook my head, begging for the pain to stop. My hands braided together behind my neck as I continued to walk down the side of the road.
“You can’t do that.” I heard her footfalls behind me. “You can’t walk away from me!” Her voice cracked and I turned back, unable to stay away. With a few long strides, I reached for her and gathered her in my arms. “I get my strength from you. You can’t walk away from me! “She slammed her hands against my chest. “I need you now more than ever! You have always been my rock, and if I lose you now, I don’t know if I can mentally prepare myself for the next few months. I’m dying, Weston. I am dying! And I’m so fucking scared.”
I held her close as the realization set in for us both. She was dying.
When her crying stopped, I lifted her chin up to me. “The days I have to spend with you are numbered, but I don’t want to spend another minute fighting.” I brought my lips down to hers, tasting the salty tears on her lips. “But I’m so scared of losing you.” I pulled away and looked deep into her brown eyes. “I’m sorry I walked away.”
She looked down at my chest; her tears ran like a waterfall down her cheeks. “I will always be right here.” She placed her hand over my chest. “Always.”
Inhaling deeply, I pulled her close to me and kissed her lips again.
* * *
The air between us had shifted.
We both understood what lay ahead. The future wa
s inevitable, but I could cherish every second I had left with her.
I pulled the car into the driveway and shifted it into park. Exhaling, I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel.
“Let’s go down to the beach,” Emilia suggested.
I turned to face her. Her finger rested between her teeth as she gently bit on her skin. She blinked and a tear dripped from her face.
“I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to dwell on what’s going to happen. I want to enjoy every last day I have.” She swallowed, her gaze refusing to meet mine.
“It’s a perfect day to go to the beach,” I agreed.
Emilia’s eyes finally found mine. A small grin appeared on her face.
Foregoing our usual spot by the pier, we settled for our own backyard. I jogged inside to grab a blanket and then led Emilia down the stairs from the rocks above to the sandy beach below.
Holding the blanket by the corners, I tossed it in the air and let it come to rest on the warm sand. She leaned back into my chest on the center of the blanket, and I wrapped my arms around her. Surfers swam in the ocean before us, taking turns to catch the next wave.
“Teach Lyra how to surf. I love the beach, but I never learned, so make sure you both learn.” Her voice was calm and she tilted her head upward toward the sun.
“How am I going to do this without you?” The tips of my fingers ran up her arms.
“You’ll find the strength,” she whispered.
“But I get my strength from you.” I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent. I wanted to imprint every second in my mind. I wanted to capture this moment for a day in the future when I desperately needed her.
“I’ll always be with you. Even when I’m gone, I’ll be all around you. In your heart. In Lyra. As long as you need me, I’ll be here.”
“What if I become a bad dad when you’re gone? What if I don’t know how to comfort her?”
Emilia shook her head and scoffed. “That’s impossible. You are so good with her. She idolizes you.” Neither of us spoke for a few moments. “I made a few videos for Lyra.” Emilia sniffled. “So she still has a part of me as she grows up.”
I kissed the hollow of her neck. “I’ll make sure she never forgets you.”
“They’re life lessons, things I wish my mother had left for me.” Her voice cracked. “Make sure she does well in school. And that she marries a nice person. Make sure she travels—”
“Emilia.”
“I’m serious. After today, I don’t want to talk about these things anymore. I want to live every day to the fullest. But for right now, I need to make sure I tell you everything.”
“Okay.”
“Make sure you take her to the doctor often. Let her dance in the rain, even though it rarely rains here. Teach her to be both school smart and street smart.”
“Your list keeps growing, huh?” I kissed her cheek.
Emilia leaned her head back, her eyes squinting from the sun’s glare. “Make sure she falls in love. Real, unconditional, crazy, stupid, love.”
“Like ours?”
“Yes.” She traced the outline of my face with her hand. “You made my life better. Against everything I ever believed in, you, Weston Carter, you gave me the craziest, most consuming love I never knew existed.”
I covered her lips with mine. Pulling away, I whispered, “I’m not done loving you.”
“I’ll never stop loving you.” Her lower lips trembled. “I’m so, so sorry that I was stupid and naïve and never told you about Lyra.”
“Shhh.” I brought my lips down to hers once more. “Unconditional, crazy, stupid, consuming love. That’s all that matters now.”
Emilia tucked her head into my chest. Her breathing changed and I could hear her soft sobs. “I want everyone to remember me as me. I want to say good–bye to everyone before my days get worse,” she whispered between sobs. “We should have a good–bye party, just us and a few friends.”
“Okay.” I kissed her forehead. “I need something from you, too.”
“Yeah?”
“I need you to forgive Jeremy.” Emilia pushed away from me. “He’s been worried, and I’ve kept him in the loop about what’s going on. I don’t want him to think you left us hating him. I know you, Emilia. You don’t know how to hate.”
She sighed. “I don’t hate him. It was easier to blame him than accept the truth. ”
“You need to talk to him.” I pulled her even closer.
“I know. Jeremy didn’t deserve what I did to him.”
“He doesn’t deserve to be shut out of Lyra’s life either.” I chuckled. “As much as I hate it, it’s true. He’s been in her life since day one.”
“Why are you such a good person?” Emilia bit her lower lip when she looked up at me.
“Because you make me good.”
24
Bargaining
We sat on the beach until my mother brought Lyra home from school. Together we decided we would sit Lyra down when the time was right and tell her what was happening.
Leslie came by with dinner, so I sat with Lyra in the living room while she played on her iPad with headphones as Emilia told her best friend she was dying. I made sure I sat where I could see them.
“How was your scan?” Leslie asked as she pulled back a barstool.
Emilia sighed and looked back toward me before returning her gaze to Leslie. “I decided to stop treatment,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry, what?” Leslie’s head snapped toward her. Her hands pressed on the hard granite countertop.
“My cancer is aggressive and its spread. There isn’t much they can do.”
“No.” Leslie shook her head in disbelief her voice ricocheting through the house. “You’re so young. You can’t be . . .” Leslie covered her face and began to weep. Unable to watch, I turned my head.
Emilia was so young.
Healthy.
Why had this happened to her? Why had this happened to us?
Maybe if we had gone to the oncologist sooner. Or maybe if they had performed a full hysterectomy, things would have been different. There was still ten percent. I could try to change her mind.
“It’s okay.” Emilia’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. I turned my attention back to the kitchen where Emilia had her arms wrapped around Leslie.
“You can’t die!” Leslie cried. “You’re my sister. My best friend.”
Their faces were both buried in each other’s shoulder, but I could see how they trembled as they cried.
“I’m so scared.”
“Emmy, this isn’t fair.”
My vision blurred with tears. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried to tune out their cries.
“Daddy?” Lyra’s voice startled me.
Clearing my throat, I answered her. “Yes, sweetie?”
“Are you okay?”
“I am,” I lied. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t ready to be a single parent. I would never be ready to lose the love of my life.
There were so many things I still wanted to do with them both.
Life was cruel.
God was unfair.
25
Emilia sat out on the deck, her chin held up to the sun that has beginning to set on the horizon. She hugged a decorative pillow as I walked toward her with Lyra. This was it. The moment we would destroy my little princess’ life by telling her, like all other Disney princesses, she too wouldn’t have her mommy anymore. How the hell do you tell a kid their mother is dying?
“Mommy?” Lyra questioned and Emilia looked down toward her. The tears had already begun to pool in her eyes. “Daddy said we needed to have a talk. Am I in trouble?”
“No, sweetie.” Emilia cleared her throat and reached for Lyra. “Mommy and Daddy need to tell you something.”
I sat on the other side of Lyra, my gaze locked on the pavers at my feet. “Lyra,” I cleared my throat and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Remember how we told you about how your mom was sick?”
Lyra l
ooked over at me and nodded her head.
Emilia grabbed Lyra’s hand and brushed her hair away from her face. “Lyra, the medicine that the doctors gave me didn’t work.”
“Are you still sick?” Lyra asked.
“Yes.” Emilia held back a sob. “Mommy is really sick, sweetie, and there’ll be a few things that will change around here.”
“What’s going to happen?” Lyra’s question broke my heart.
Emilia cleared her throat and inhaled slowly before exhaling. “Lyra, I love you very much and I hope that you never forget that. I’m sorry, sweetie, but Mommy isn’t getting better.
“Are you going to die?”
Emilia gave her a hesitant nod and Lyra threw herself into her arms. Tears blurred my vision. I couldn’t take it.
“My sweet baby girl.” Emilia’s voice was hoarse. She moved from the chair and knelt in front of her. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But I want you to know that every day we spend together is going to be magical.”
“I don’t want you to die, Mommy!” Lyra cried.
I wiped my tears away and wrapped my arm around Lyra’s small shoulders. “Lyra, we both love you very much, and we want you to understand that this isn’t something we can control.”
“I may not be here with you Lyra, but I’m in here.” Emilia pressed her hand to Lyra’s chest. “I promise I’ll always be in there.”
Lyra bowed here chin and tears dripped onto her thighs. Emilia draped her arms over Lyra and kissed her tears away. “I’m so sorry, Lyra,” she cried softly.
My hand rubbed Emilia’s back, and my own tears dripped from my face.
* * *
Emilia convinced everyone to come over one last time.
Her rules were simple: there would be no crying and everyone was to wear something colorful. We were not to talk about her dying, only remember the good times we shared with her.
Emilia sat on the patio furniture with Cinthia and Travis as I stood off to the side, looking out at the ocean. Her smile never left her face, and though I tried to be optimistic, I was dying inside. I sipped on my lukewarm beer, trying to drown out the noises in my head.
Endless Love Letter (Love Letter Duet Book 2) Page 16
