by Joanna Neil
She nodded. ‘I had to have surgery afterwards, and it left me with scar tissue inside. I had a scan to find out what the possibilities were, but it wasn’t good news. The doctor thought there might be problems for me. My Fallopian tubes are blocked, and I’m not sure whether they can be cleared. The doctor said there were no guarantees.’
‘That must have come as a terrible shock to you.’ He looked into her eyes and she could see the compassion in his expression. ‘I’m sorry, Abby. I can see how upsetting that must have been for you. You’ve always been so good with children. I’ve seen the way you are with the little ones who come into A and E…You hold them and comfort them, and I guessed that you would like to have one of your own one day. Was I right?’
She nodded. ‘Yes, but I just can’t be sure that it will ever happen.’
‘You shouldn’t give up hope. There are surgeons who are skilled in the latest laser techniques, and they could do an exploratory operation and possibly clear any scar tissue by means of a laparoscopy, which means there would be hardly any external evidence that you’ve had surgery afterwards. There’s always the possibility that your problem could be solved. Don’t you think you should look into it?’
She pressed her lips together to still their trembling. ‘What do I do if there’s no successful result? How do I live with the knowledge that it might never be possible for me to have a child, to learn that I’m infertile? I long to hold my child in my arms, and it might never happen. My life would be empty.’
‘At least you would have tried. Are you going to live with that cloud hanging over you for evermore?’
‘I don’t know.’ She looked up at him, a sheen of tears blurring her vision. ‘I don’t have the courage to face up to a future that is childless. I realised that when I looked after Jacob and Sarah. They brightened up my world. They made me long for a family of my own.’
‘People do manage to cope without them. They adopt, or they decide to work with children, or they fill their houses with a menagerie of pets. People cope in all sorts of ways.’
But would he be prepared to do that? Abby frowned. Would he compromise his desire for a family by involving himself with someone who couldn’t give him what he wanted?
In any case, he wasn’t even offering her marriage, was he? There was just this nebulous talk about living with someone and perhaps that was just to allow himself a getout for when he wanted a change and felt like finding someone else to share an interlude with him.
‘Maybe they do.’
‘I could look into the question of surgery for you, and find someone who has a good track record with the latest techniques. Would you let me do that for you? Where would be the harm?’
‘I don’t know.’
He put his arms around her and held her close. ‘You’re braver than you think, Abby. You mustn’t give up. Take your troubles by the horns and face up to them. Isn’t that what you do in every other aspect of your life?’
‘I’m afraid of what I’ll find.’
‘But you won’t be alone in this, Abby. I’ll be there to support you.’
Perhaps he was right. Maybe she ought to deal with this problem once and for all. What was the point in pushing her fears into a box? The lid was bound to come off one day and they would still be there for her to face once more. She might as well get it over with.
‘All right,’ she said, her voice heavy. ‘I’ll do it.’
‘Good girl. You won’t regret it, I promise you. I won’t let you down.’
She was sure that he meant what he said, but if it turned out to be bad news for her, would things ever be the same between them again? He was so determined, and now she wondered about the reason for that. Would he care for her enough to want to be with her if she was infertile? Why had he never mentioned love?
He didn’t let her dwell on things for long. At work the next day he stayed on after the end of his shift, and she discovered that he was checking through a list of surgeons. ‘There are a number who would be able to do the specific surgery you might need,’ he told her, ‘but the question is whether they can fit you in right away.’
‘It doesn’t matter if they can’t,’ she said.
‘It does.’ He gave her a direct, hard look. ‘I’m not giving you the chance to go back on your decision. We’ll get it over and done with and then you’ll know what’s what.’
Abby made a face. ‘You’re so bossy.’
‘Yes, I am.’ He grinned at her. ‘Makes a change from you calling all the shots, doesn’t it?’
She didn’t dignify that with an answer, but left him to get on with his search. Half an hour later he came and found her.
‘I’ve made you an appointment with Mr McNulty. He has a private practice some ten miles from here. He’ll see you tomorrow for an assessment, and he can fit you in for surgery if necessary on the weekend.’
Abby’s mouth dropped open in surprise. She hadn’t really expected him to come up with anything, and certainly not for the appointments to be so soon. ‘I don’t think—’
‘There’s no “I don’t think” about it,’ he said. ‘He’s an excellent surgeon, one of the best, and I know him personally. He owes me a favour or two, and he’s agreed to take you on especially for me. So it’s all done and dusted and you can’t get out of it.’
Abby was troubled. There he was again, insisting that this be carried through. Was it only for her benefit that he was pushing the issue, or was there something else going on in his mind? Why was this so important to him? Would he still care for her in quite the same way if the surgery turned out to be a failure?
He frowned. ‘I have to go over to Greece to fetch Amy and Tim back home on the day of the operation, so I won’t be able to be here, but I’ll ask Helen if she’ll go with you to the clinic. I know you and she get along very well. You need someone to be with you.’
He touched her arm lightly. ‘I wish I could stay with you, but I can’t let Jacob and Sarah down. I promised them I would take them to their parents.’
‘I know. I understand. Besides, Amy has been through an awful lot by the sound of things, and she’ll need you to be there with her.’
‘Thanks, Abby. I knew you would understand.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I’m late. I have to go over to the studios this afternoon—they want me to outline an idea for a TV show to go out at the weekend.’
‘I thought you’d finished all your shows for the time being?’
‘I have, but this is a one-off. They have a slot to fill because some other show has been cancelled, and they asked if I would step in.’
‘Can you come up with something at short notice?’
‘Yes, I’ve an idea for a project. It doesn’t take me long to write a script, and then it’s just a question of bringing in the specialist people to take part. We’ll record it in a couple of days’ time before I go off to Greece.’
‘That’s fast work.’
‘Yes, but sometimes it’s good to be able to accommodate the producers this way. It shows them that you’re professional, and it makes for a good working relationship.’
She guessed she wouldn’t be seeing much of him over the next day or so if he was working and fitting everything in around the children. It made her sad, because she wanted to be with him more and more.
It turned out that Helen was a better friend than Abby had ever realised. ‘Matt didn’t need to ask me to come with you,’ she said, when the day for her surgery dawned and they arrived at the clinic. ‘I’d have come along anyway.’
She helped Abby to set out her belongings from her overnight bag in her room. ‘I’ll stay with you while you have the surgery,’ she said, ‘and I’ll be here for you when you come round from the anaesthetic.’
She looked around the room that was to be Abby’s during her stay at the private hospital. ‘This is quite cosy, isn’t it? It’s all very tastefully done out.’
Her glance went to the fruit bowl that was piled high with oranges, apples and grapes. ‘They�
�re from Matt, aren’t they? He said he was going to send some. Of course, I might work my way through all your grapes because I can’t resist them, and you probably won’t feel like eating anything afterwards, will you?’
‘I doubt it. Anyway, you’re welcome to help yourself.’ It had been thoughtful of Matt to send them. He couldn’t be there himself, so he was making sure his presence was there in other ways.
There were also flowers in the room, a beautiful arrangement of roses and love-in-a-mist, and when Abby checked the card that had come with them, she saw that they were from Matt, too.
‘I wish I could be there for you,’ he’d written, ‘but I’ll be thinking of you all the time.’
Abby felt a small glow of warmth start up inside her. Maybe the thought that he cared for her enough to do this would carry her through.
The nurse came to take her to Theatre a short time later, and she kept the vision of those flowers locked inside her like a treasure that was to be guarded at all costs.
When the surgery was over, she was wheeled back to her room and Helen waited with her while the effects of the anaesthetic wore off. ‘How did it go? Did Mr McNulty say?’
‘He didn’t say very much at all,’ Abby murmured, still drowsy and with her head feeling like a cloud of cotton wool. ‘I think he seemed fairly satisfied with the way things went. I said I’d send you out for more information. If it’s OK with you, I’d rather hear the news from a friend.’
‘I’ll see if I can find out any more for you.’ Helen was about to scoot off in search of the surgeon when the phone rang. Abby was drifting off into sleep.
‘It’s Matt,’ Helen said, smiling. ‘Do you want to speak to him?’
‘Yes, please.’
‘She’s still a bit woozy from the anaesthetic,’ Helen said into the receiver. ‘She might not make a whole lot of sense just yet.’ She handed the phone to Abby and then quietly left the room.
‘How are you, Abby? Are you feeling all right?’
‘I think so. I’m a bit floaty…sort of drifting on a cloud.’
‘That sounds like quite a nice feeling.’ He chuckled. ‘I wish I could float along with you. Do you know how the operation went? Has the surgeon told you anything yet?’
‘I’m not sure. It’s all a bit vague, really.’
‘He’s probably waiting until you’ve had time to come round properly, and I should do the same. I just wanted to know that you were safe.’
‘I am.’
They spoke for a little while longer, and then Matt said, ‘I want you to be sure to take care and get plenty of rest. I should be back tomorrow, and I’ll come and pick you up from the hospital in the afternoon.’
‘I will. Thanks. It’s lovely to hear your voice.’
‘Me, too. I miss you.’
They ended the call and Abby replaced the phone on its pod as Helen came back into the room.
‘Mr McNulty seems to think that everything’s all right,’ Helen said, looking pleased. ‘He says you need to go for a check-up in a couple of months’ time, but things are looking good. That’s brilliant news, isn’t it?’
‘It’s fantastic.’ Abby’s voice was muffled with drowsiness and Helen smiled.
‘You look as though you could do with some more sleep,’ she said. ‘Shall I leave you to rest?’
Abby nodded. ‘Yes, if you like. It’s been so good of you to stay with me for all this time.’ Her mouth made a sleepy smile. ‘Besides…’she yawned ‘…you have the chance of a hot date, don’t you? Why don’t you give Martin a ring and say you’ll meet up with him somewhere?’
Helen’s cheeks flushed with warm colour. ‘How did you know about that? We were being very discreet, I thought.’
Abby blinked in an effort to wake herself up a bit. ‘Well, it may have had something to do with the fact that he gets very self-conscious whenever you come into a room. I’ll be having a conversation with him when he suddenly loses track of what he’s saying and starts giving you surreptitious glances.’
Helen laughed. ‘Me, too. I have to concentrate twice as hard when he’s around. It must be something in the air.’
‘Hmm. Go and meet him.’
Helen didn’t need any more telling, and when she had gone Abby settled back against her pillows and dozed for a while. An hour or so later, when the nurse came to check on her, she was awake enough to flick the button on the television’s remote control.
A holiday programme was coming to a close. It made her wonder about spending time on a golden beach where the surf would roll gently in, and she found herself daydreaming about Matt being by her side.
And then, all at once, he was there on the screen in front of her, and she realised that this must be the programme he had been talking about, the one that had been slotted in at the last minute.
The introductory credits rolled, and then Matt was standing there, talking persuasively about the problems of women who couldn’t have children.
‘It’s a deeply emotional situation that they find themselves in,’ he was saying. ‘These women long to hold a child of their own in their arms, but they know that it might never happen and it feels as though their lives are empty.’
Her eyes opened wide to take it all in, and she listened to his words with growing disbelief. He was taking everything she had said and putting it out there on the television for everyone to hear. Thousands of people would be listening in to her distress, knowing about every thought and feeling she’d had.
He didn’t mention her by name, of course, and only he and Helen knew that she was here, in this clinic, but it felt as though he was talking about her alone.
‘“How do I find the courage to face up to a childless world?” This is what women such as these want to know. What you do,’ he said, ‘is look for answers.’
He went on to talk about the causes of infertility and how they could be treated. Abby listened, but all the time she felt as though she was being held up for scrutiny. He had taken her medical problem and laid it out for the world to see. This whole programme was an act of betrayal. How could he do this to her? Was nothing sacred?
She had believed that he was sympathetic to her and that he had wanted to help, but now all her illusions were dashed. He had been gleaning material for his own use. She was his research material, his project, and that hurt more than words could say.
CHAPTER TEN
‘ARE you sure that you’re feeling well enough to leave here on your own?’ The nurse was concerned. ‘You had an anaesthetic yesterday, and somebody should be with you to make sure that you’re all right.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ Abby told her. ‘Please, don’t worry about me. My temperature and blood pressure were normal when you checked them, and I feel perfectly fit. You were going to let me go home anyway this morning, weren’t you, so I’ll sign a form to say that I’m discharging myself.’
‘Well, at least let me call for a taxi.’
Abby nodded. ‘That would be great, thanks.’
While the nurse was doing that, Abby sent a text message for Matt to tell him that she was leaving the clinic and that there was no need for him to come and pick her up. ‘Spend some time with your family,’ she told him, and then she switched off her mobile so that he wouldn’t be able to get in touch.
Her only problem was that he might come over to the cottage to find out what was going on, and she wasn’t ready to face up to that just at the moment. The television programme still rankled, and she had to find a way of dealing with all the feelings of hurt and the betrayal that were coursing through her before she came face to face with him once more.
Perhaps a hotel room would be her best option. She had booked a few days off work, so there were no worries on that score. No one would know where to look for her, and she could say that she had been taking a break, getting in a day or so of sunshine and fresh air to help her to recover from the surgery she had undergone.
In truth, she was feeling remarkably fit, and it was only her warrin
g emotions that were letting her down. How could he have done this to her? He was a fink, a snake in the grass, a toad.
‘Take me to the Country Park Hotel, would you?’ she told the taxi driver. She knew the place from long ago when she had stayed there with friends, celebrating their newly qualified status as doctors. It was a rural retreat, with extended landscaped grounds where she could lose herself in quiet seclusion. More than anything, she needed time to think things through.
‘We can offer you a room overlooking the terrace, madam,’ the receptionist said brightly, ‘or perhaps you would prefer something a little more private? We do have a couple of log cabins situated down by the lake. They’re both available as it’s early on in the season, so you could take your pick. Of course, they are at least half a mile from the main hotel building, but you could still benefit from the hotel service, and either take your meals in the dining hall or have room service. And, of course, the conference facilities are available to everyone who stays with us.’
Conference facilities? Abby recalled that businesspeople often stayed here, hiring the assembly rooms for meetings. There were all the add-ons that came with the territory—telephone, video-conferencing and computer access.
‘A cabin sounds wonderful,’ Abby said. ‘I’ll take one of those.’
She spent the next day or so cut off from the outside world. Her meals were delivered to the cabin after a simple phone call, and she would wander down by the lake, breathing in the early summer scents of freshly mown grass or take a walk through the wooded area behind the cabin and feel the soft undergrowth beneath her feet.
All the time she was trying to come to terms with what Matt had done. Wasn’t he every bit like her ex, taking what he wanted and using it to his own ends? She had been vulnerable, letting down her guard for the first time in years, and he had used her emotional fragility to exploit her. How could she care anything at all for a man like that? Hadn’t he destroyed whatever it was that she felt for him?
