On the nights Dad doesn’t feel like cooking, we go out to eat. With or without her. So she’s learned that if she wants to eat with him, she’ll have to make some concessions. Just like at home, she’s found some restaurants that meet her standards. Criolla’s does because it’s been featured on the Food Network. It’s my favorite. The Fish out of Water restaurant at the new Water Colors resort next to Seaside won her approval because its shrimp and grits are, frankly, better than her own. Even she has trouble hiding the sheer pleasure on her face.
The masterpiece lay open on my lap. “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
“You know, I was thinking.” Amber crashed into my reading mode, returning me to the reality of an endless car ride with my legs up under my chin.
Did Tolstoy know us?
“What were you thinking about, sweetheart?” Mother responded.
“I was thinking . . .” She began to sniffle. Paige reached her arm around the back of Amber’s neck and attacked my shoulder with a death grip.“I was thinking that there are no people I would rather be with in the world than you,my new family . . . during this, this, this SEASON OF DEATH!”
I grimaced. Paige bristled. Duke poked his head over Amber’s shoulder and sniffed her hair and cocked his head. Mother reached back and patted her knee. And Pink Toes dared to peek her head out of her basket.
Duke saw her.“Grrr.”
Paige growled too.
Pink Toes got the message and returned to hiding. The only thing visible from the top of the basket was a sprig of white hair sticking out from her pink bow. Duke put a paw on the back of the seat as if he was going to come over. I informed him there wasn’t room for his hairy behind. He conceded and returned to his pillow with a thump and a sigh. He and Paige were more alike than I had realized.
“I know this is a hard time for you,” Paige said. “So we don’t want you to have to talk about it.You just sit here and rest.”
“Actually, I’d love to tell—”
“Yes, you rest.” I patted her bare shoulder. “We’ll even make sure you have plenty of space when we get to Seaside. I’m sure this is really close quarters for you during such a difficult season of your life.”
“Why don’t we sing a happy song?” Mother offered.
“Why don’t we strangle ourselves?” I offered. Quietly.
“Savannah.” Dad shot me a glance through the rearview mirror. Obviously not quiet enough.
I stared back. “I said, why don’t we sing something from the Bangles?”
“Oh, Savannah, quit being a smart aleck. Singing will do us good. Amber needs to be cheered up. Don’t you think so, darling?” she asked my father.
He looked back at me with that face. I gave him one of my own.“I think that would be a great idea.” He smiled.
That was all it took. On came the CD player and out came Harry Connick Jr. leading a chorus of some more woeful singers in “You’re Never Fully Dressed without a Smile.” From Annie. That tone-deaf creature in the front holding a frightened little white rat started singing to the top of her lungs, making it unclear why she had turned on the CD at all. A CD I had thoroughly enjoyed until that moment. Because from then on I would never be able to hear it without having a petit mal seizure.
In a few minutes, the blubbering one beside me was doing her best to sing along. I had heard her sing once before. The event caused me to propel my forehead into my steering wheel. It hurt. Twofold. Today was no different. I was hurting in duplicate again. Then the rat starting howling, and I was hurting in triplicate. Then I saw Paige’s head start to bob to the music. And before I knew it, I had lost her too.
By the time they were through, even Dad was humming along. It was all just plain wrong. Duke had buried his head in his pillow and wrapped his paws over his ears. I retrieved my ear plugs, but they offered little buffering. I even attempted to climb in the back with Duke just to create some distance, but he was still holding a grudge. At their climax, I popped four Advil and hoped they were “fast acting.” Of course “time release”would be okay as well, because I was certain I would need relief all along the way. After all, we hadn’t been on the road for more than thirty minutes.
By the time they were finished, I was humming,“Why Me, Lord?” They didn’t care. Why would they? They were all fully dressed with a smile.
“Oh, that was fun!” Paige laughed.
I leaned my head around the Amazon beside me to catch a glimpse of the woman who had officially migrated to loolooville. “Fun, huh?” I replied.
“Savannah, you’re just wound too tight.”
Amber said, “You know, that’s it! I’ve wondered all along what exactly was Savannah’s problem.”Now my life had officially fallen into a chasm, never to be retrieved. I was being analyzed by a kook.“Savannah, you are just too uptight. You need to relax, be young, be foolish”—she started singing again—“but be happy.”
I wasn’t smiling.The rest of the car joined in, officially sinking us to the depths of a karaoke bar. I leaned my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes. Paige was right. The real vacation would have been back in Savannah, far, far away from this car of nuts. This wasn’t going to be a vacation after all. This was going to be my own Survivor. To be honest, all bets were on the rest of them. After less than an hour, I didn’t even have the energy to open my eyes.
“Ahhhhh! Watch it!” Mother screamed.
I opened my eyes just in time to see her slam on her imaginary brakes. Which really didn’t faze me all that much, because we had already endured the “Jake, you’re going to be listening to that semi’s stereo if you get any closer.”
We had endured the clutching of the chest.
We had endured the endless gasps.
After all, the woman lived in the land of “all objects are closer than they appear.”
How Dad had survived the last twenty-five years of her riding in the passenger seat of his car was beyond me. I stopped allowing her to ride with me years ago, after she screamed so loud that I ran smack-dab into a city square and came to rest with my bumper attached to a statue of General Oglethorpe, all because she was certain I was about to hit a trolley car that was a good football field away. The accident made the front cover of the Chronicle. She was seen smiling in the picture.The photo caught me eye to eye with General Oglethorpe’s family jewels, separated only by the cracked windshield.
“Victoria, I’ll make this clear once,” Dad declared. Now, Jake wasn’t one to make many declarations. But when he did, you could pretty much bet your mother’s weekly appointments at Day Spa of Deliverance that he was going to follow through on whatever it was he was declaring. “I will not ride the next six hours with you gasping and grabbing and telling me how to drive.”
“You about hit that car.”
He remained calm.“I wasn’t anywhere near that car.”
“You were riding his bumper.”
“How can you ride a bumper that is too far away to even see?” He had a point there. I couldn’t even read the bumper sticker.
“How do you not get in wrecks without me in the car?”
“Just lucky, I guess.”
That makes two of us “lucky” people today.
“Well, you better be careful. You’ve got precious cargo in this car.”
“Precious cargo that will enjoy your driving abilities if you scare me again.”
“Jake, be nice.”
I was certain that was nice.
I wondered if that would settle it. It might have if they were driving from Savannah to Tybee Island, but if that man really thought that woman was capable of not gasping the rest of this trip, then maybe he wasn’t as bright as I had thought for the last twenty-four years.
“Happy families are all alike: every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I began again.
“I’ve got to go tinkle.” Amber interrupted again.
I knew what made us unhappy in our own way.
“What?” Paige asked.“We haven’t even been in the car for an hour.”
“I know. But I’ve got a tiny bladder.” To me, that seemed impossible for a woman the size of a camel.
“We need to stop anyway.” Mother’s bladder was just as tiny. “Magnolia’s bladder is very tiny right now, too.” Oh, new rule: Magnolia will be blamed for Mother’s needs. “The little thing will probably need to make quite a few stops along the way.”
Dad pulled off at the nearest rest stop. He didn’t mind. He was never in a hurry. He spent his life just enjoying living. He didn’t mind stopping. He didn’t mind driving. Being told how to drive maybe, but not the actual driving itself. He didn’t mind walking Duke. He didn’t mind Duke taking thirty minutes to take a dump. Jake was just the kind of man who had no agenda other than enjoying the moment. Plus, he knew Duke always loved the opportunity to sniff around a rest area.
We got out of the car. Paige first. Amber rushed around her and daintily trotted to the restroom. Mother followed immediately. Paige’s face was contorted to a slight grimace as I rounded the front of the car.
“You’re never fully dressed without a smile, remember?” I said in my best singsong voice. “And from the looks of that expression, you’re about half-naked right now, sister.”
She didn’t care. She lost sight of me as soon as the good-looking fella drove up in the Audi convertible. He headed to the restroom. All of a sudden she had to “tinkle” too.
CHAPTER SIX
You afraid he might fall in love with that little thing?” I asked Dad as he walked Duke through the dogs’ section of the rest area.
Mother had returned and was walking in front of us, holding a hot pink, rhinestone-studded dog leash that connected to a hot pink rhinestone-studded choker. The little thing was dragging Mother through the area where Mother had to dodge wads with her two-hundred-dollar heels.
“That dog better not touch my pookie. ” Mother directed this remark at Duke while trying desperately to get back to the sidewalk.
Duke came over to little Maggy and sniffed her, and the poor thing jumped about ten feet in the air.
“Shoo!” Mother hollered.
Duke got bored with them both and came to sit between me and Dad. Dad reached down and rubbed his head. Duke leaned into his hand with mutual affection.“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about Duke messing with Magnolia. I think she’s a little overprocessed for him.”
You think?” I asked, offering Duke a rub of my own. My cell phone rang, interrupting Duke’s moment in the spotlight.
“Hello . . . hello.” Silence on the other end. I looked at the dead receiver. “Disconnected,” it announced. “My stars, I have disconnected more people than I actually talk to.”
“When did you get that new phone?” Dad asked.
“A couple weeks ago. But I can’t figure out how to work it. I get my e-mail on here too. At least that’s what the guy at the store told me.”
“Why would anyone want to get e-mail on their phone?” The man had no agenda but coffee and conversation.
I stared at my phone. I would have responded, except I wasn’t exactly sure at that moment why I did want to get my e-mail on my cell phone. “It sounded good to me when the guy told me what it could do.”
It rang again.
“Hello,” I said, pressing the talk button gingerly.
“What are you doing?”my friend Claire asked. I laughed into the phone and excused myself from present company. Claire and I caught up for a few minutes while the world of “rest area” whirled in the background.
The odd pair of Amber and Paige exited the restroom together. The gentleman Paige had followed drove off minutes ago. But it seemed she had forgotten him.
Amber climbed back into her seat, and we all took our places.
“I think I left the door unlocked,” Paige said to the air.
“What?”
“I think I left the door to the gallery unlocked.”
“Well, call Bill next door and have him go check it.”
“He and his wife went with Mom and Dad.”
“Well, call Jeff on the other side.”
She grabbed her phone.“Yeah, he can do it for me.”
Duke wasn’t interested in Paige’s issues. He lifted his head up over the seat as soon as the car backed out of the parking place. He began to make a low growling sound in the depths of his throat.
Pink Toes inched lower into her picnic basket, desiring not to be lunch.
“Calm down, boy. She’s not taking your place,” I assured him. “No one is taking anyone’s place.” Maybe I was trying to convince myself.
The whole thing, however, seemed to be just a little more than he could bear this time. I mean, as soon as we got back on the interstate, Duke lost it. Before anyone could stop him, that seventy-five pound animal leaped over my seat, ran his right paw through Amber’s hair, got his left paw hooked in the handle of her handbag, slapped the phone from Paige’s hand, and let absolutely none of that stop him. He jumped up onto the armrest between Dad and Mother and hopped into Dad’s lap with his tail wagging like a fly swatter in Vicky’s face. If Magnolia could be a lapdog, so could he.
Vicky screamed. Dad tried to stay on the road. And we missed careening into a road-construction barrel by inches. Dad pushed on him to get back, but no one in the backseat wanted him returning the way he had come. Poor Amber was back to crying, and Magnolia was whimpering like a whipped puppy, and Vicky was spitting and sputtering, all while trying to extract red dog hairs from her red lipstick.
Dad pulled the car over and returned Duke to his pillow with a pat of the head and a whisper in the ear. Who knew what those two talked about. But Duke wasn’t easily deterred. He returned to his growling over Amber’s shoulder. She whimpered and moved closer to Paige. Paige groaned and tried to smooth Amber’s disheveled hair. Amber reached into her purse to grab some Advil and a bottled water.
Paige snatched the bottled water with one hand while dialing Jeff with the other.“You just had to go pee.”
“But I need some Advil.”
Paige wasn’t budging.“Take them dry.”
“Paige!” I momentarily felt bad for the soul next to me.
Paige didn’t care. “This has already been an eternal trip, and I’m not stopping every thirty minutes for sister here to take a potty break.”
“I just need a sip.”
Paige hesitated but finally laid the phone down, opened the bottle, and handed it to her.“One sip.”
Amber complied more out of fear and exhaustion than anything else. She took the cap from Paige’s hands. “Oh no, you don’t. Give it back.”
Amber didn’t want to, but she did. And from then on Paige was the regulator of all Amber’s liquid consumption.
Jeff wasn’t home. Gone for three weeks, his voice mail declared. Paige took of swig of the water herself, her expression making it clear she wished it had been stronger.
“There it is, ladies. Lunch,” Dad pronounced.
Every head looked up.
Except mine.There was no need. I had seen my father’s onthe-road restaurant of choice many times.
“What is this?” Amber asked.
“What is this? This is Southern feastings at their finest,” my father informed, turning the car off with a smile.
Thomas and I had been tortured for years. Thomas and I hated country ham and breakfast for lunch. Dad loved both. Cracker Barrel had both. So Cracker Barrel it was. Only the country store saved us. Knowing we would leave with access to a sugar coma inside our individual brown goody bags, we entered each Cracker Barrel experience without the weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I saw the wooden rocking chairs on the front porch swaying away. Every grandmother passing through was encased in her sweater of the season. Why elderly people feel the need to wear seasonal attire is beyond me. I mean when the Christmas sweaters come out in Savannah, I prostrate myself and thank the good Lord Christmas only comes once a year.
But when women actually pull out Halloween sweaters, it’s certain they have unresolved, deeply rooted issues.
At least spring sweaters offer a variety of colors and vegetables. Truth be told, it’s one of those ideas I wish I would have thought of myself: grow you a garden, wrap you some gifts, carve you some pumpkins and hot glue those puppies on some knitted cotton sweaters, and by George, I’d have me a collection called “Seasons by Savannah.” But no, as with most lucrative ideas, I’m usually left somewhere in the land of “if only I had thought of that.”
“Victoria, what are you doing?” Dad asked, eyeing the pink basket that she was trying to take into the restaurant.
“Well, I hope you don’t think I’m leaving her in that car with Duke. We’ll come out, and her tail will be hanging out of his mouth.”
Dad reached for the basket. He was met with resistance.“You can’t take her in there, honey. She’ll be fine.Won’t she, Duke?”
I could have sworn Duke grinned.
“If he harms one hair of her fur, Jake Phillips, he’ll be shipped to an island for castrated retrievers.”
Dad winced. Why is it men always wince when someone talks about castration or vasectomies, or when they watch an episode of Funniest Home Videos and those skateboarding idiots make contact with railings? But they do. Dad took Maggy from her anyway.
“I’ll put up the netting to keep Duke in the back.”
I laughed.
“Why is she laughing?” Mother asked my father.
He turned and raised his eyebrow at me. “Because she thought of something funny. Isn’t that right, Savannah?”
Savannah by the Sea Page 4
