“I made a mistake, Kate. But I don’t want to have to tell Jack, and if Billy doesn’t dump me, Jack won’t propose and I’ve ruined my life.”
“It’s all going to be all right,” Kate assured her. “I’ll get a limo and pick you up this afternoon. I’ll drop you at the airport. Just look good. I’ll take care of everything. I promise you, it’s all going to be all right.”
“Cross your heart and hope to die?” Bina asked. Kate smiled. Same old Bina, she thought, and reassured her friend.
Dressed, made-up, coiffed, and scented, Bina sat beside Kate in the limo. Kate had done some deep thinking, called the car service, picked up Bina in Brooklyn, and swept her into the backseat. Although she was impressed with the car, Bina was still nervous.
“But what are you going to do?” she asked.
“That’s for me to know, and for you to never find out,” Kate said, and leaned forward. “Take the BQE,” she told the driver, who seemed to be taking the scenic route—as if there were one—to JFK.
“Do you know which terminal he’s coming into?” the driver asked.
“International arrivals,” Kate said. “Follow the signs.” She leaned back into the leather of the seats and turned to her friend, looking into her eyes. “Listen to me,” she said.
“I am,” Bina told her.
“Okay, really listen to me. You have nothing to tell Jack. You have nothing to confess.” Kate paused. The idea of Bina and Billy together, the idea of him, of her . . . She repressed both the thought and her jealousy. “It only happened that once.”
“Well, no. Last week I saw him and we got caught in the rain, and he took me to his apartment to towel me off, and . . .”
Kate imagined the scene too vividly. The image of Billy gently drying her hair and other body parts was disturbing and arousing. She could see why Bina would fall from grace again. “It doesn’t matter. You and Jack broke up. He’s been a free agent, and so have you. Remember the army had that policy: ‘Don’t ask. Don’t tell’?” Bina nodded. “Well, follow it. And if you’re asked anything by Jack, remind him that you love him. Ask him if he loves you.”
“But I slept with—”
“There are no buts.”
“But even if I don’t tell him about the sex . . . Okay, I won’t tell Jack anything.”
“You promise?”
“I promise. But to make this work, I have to get Billy to dump me.”
“I’m going to take care of that,” Kate said. “Now, fix your makeup.” Obediently, Bina rooted around in her huge purse and pulled out a cosmetics case. Kate helped her with her primping and then turned the mirror on herself. She looked a little pale, and there was bruised-looking skin under her eyes because of her lack of sleep, but she would take care of all that later.
“Okay,” she said as they pulled up to the sidewalk at the airport. “You look great, you should feel great, and Jack is coming here just for you. Because he loves you.”
Bina hesitated. “But I’m not sure—”
“I’m sure,” Kate said. “Now go to the arrivals waiting area, where passengers get out of customs. He’ll probably be out of there in less than thirty minutes or so.”
“Aren’t you going to wait with me?” Bina asked, her eyes opening wide.
“No. I have something else to do,” Kate said, and gave Bina a hug. “Keep your cell phone on and your powder dry. Call me the moment anything happens.”
Bina got out of the car and walked through the sliding glass door entrance, then she turned and waved and gave Kate the thumbs-up sign. As soon as she disappeared, merging with the crowd inside the terminal, Kate leaned forward to speak to the driver. “Take me back to Brooklyn,” she told him.
Chapter Thirty-five
Kate rang Billy Nolan’s bell. It took several minutes before he responded. Kate put her hands over the intercom and murmured something, pitching her voice higher than normal. Surely this wasn’t the first time that he’d had an unexpected visit from a woman at an inopportune time. The more realistic worry was that some other woman was there. But, as she’d hoped, the door buzzed and Kate pushed into the hallway. I’m only doing this for Bina, she told herself, but she knew it was a lie.
Since Bina’s confession at the shower, Kate had felt herself possessed by her desire for Billy Nolan. No matter how hard she had tried to deny it, she had been jealous and intrigued by Bina’s flirtation with Billy. To be brutally honest, from the first moment she had met him on the terrace, she had felt an almost irresistible pull toward him. She had tried to resist it, knowing that he, like Steven, was not “relationship material.” However, she reasoned, if she did this for Bina, maybe she would also be able to get Billy Nolan—his smile, his charm, and his easy physical grace—out of her system once and for all. She wasn’t going to waste time in a meaningless relationship, but if this would precipitate a breakup with Bina and give her confidence, then . . .
Kate stopped to look in the mirror at the stair landing. She wasn’t wild about what she saw. Her face was pale, and there were still dark circles under her eyes. Well, it would have to do. She pulled out a brush from her purse and puffed up her hair. Her lipstick was still holding up, but she did a full-face smile to see if there was any on her teeth. Walking up the stairs, Kate caught herself licking her lips. Then she remembered Elliot’s absolutely ridiculous acronym and regretted it. Well, she told herself, I’ll regret more than that after this day is over. She got to Billy’s door, took a deep breath, and knocked.
Billy, his hair tousled and a loose cotton robe drawn around him, obviously just out of the shower, opened the door. “What . . . ?”
His physical presence was almost a blow to her. She could smell shampoo on him. It was better than any cologne.
Kate pushed in past him. She walked across the room, put down her purse, sat at the edge of his bed, and crossed her legs.
“Sit down. Make yourself at home,” Billy said with as much sarcasm as he could muster. He closed the door behind him. “To what do I owe . . .” He gave up trying to be urbane. “You want a cup of coffee?” he asked, and, scratching his head, began to move toward the kitchen.
“No, thank you,” Kate said, trying not to lick her lips. “I didn’t come here for coffee.”
Billy stopped at the sink, his hand midway between the coffeemaker and the faucet. She had not gotten an opportunity to look at his hands since the dreadful bowling evening. Kate had always been interested in men’s hands. She considered herself a sort of connoisseur, disliking short, stubby, or hairy-backed hands, yet equally turned off by overly slender, almost feminine hands. Now she was transfixed by Billy’s. They were perfect, strong yet sensitive, the hands of competence and sensual knowledge. She blushed. He walked toward her slowly, pulled a chair opposite her, and sat down. “What did you come here for, doctor?” he asked. “Is this another consultation?”
Okay. She deserved that. And probably more. If he was going to make her eat humble pie, she would. But couldn’t he feel her almost ridiculous longing? She was grateful that it wasn’t palpable to him, since it suffused her being. “Look, I was wrong,” she admitted, then paused. She’d rehearsed this coming from the airport, but all that she had prepared seemed to have evaporated. “The thing with Bina isn’t working, is it,” she blurted.
Billy looked at her. “Have I missed something? Are we still in high school?” he asked.
Shit! Jack should be walking with Bina at this very moment. “Just tell me the truth,” she said. “Bina means nothing to you, does she.”
“Bina is a very nice girl,” Billy told her.
“I know that, but that isn’t the question I asked you.” She looked down at her exposed toes, and the Pre-Raphaelite painting titled King Cophetua and the Beggar Maid appeared before her eyes. She’d always found it erotically charged. “Look,” she said, “I came over here to admit that I made a terrible mistake. Bina is beginning to be really attached to you, and it isn’t fair. She’s going to get hurt, and it’s goin
g to be my fault as much as it is yours.”
For the first time since she had arrived, Billy actually looked alert. He looked down at the floor for a long moment, then back at her. “Look, I never meant to hurt her. I go out with women who know how to take care of themselves.”
“Well, Bina isn’t a woman like that.”
“I know. That’s why I never slept with her. Not that it’s any of your business.”
Kate looked away from his beautiful face. So he was a liar as well as a flirt and a serial dater.
“Don’t waste my time with lies,” she told him.
“Hey!” He stood up. “I don’t lie. I’ve never dated more than one woman at a time, and I break up with one before I start in with anyone else. I never promise what I don’t deliver. I own a bar, for God’s sake. They know I’m . . . well, not serious right now. And if that’s a repetition compulsion, well, that’s my problem. Meanwhile, I make them feel good about themselves.”
“It’s time to break up with Bina,” Kate said firmly. The fact was she felt anything but firm. She was more frightened than she could ever remember being. What if he was disinterested or, worse, if he laughed at her and threw her out? At that moment she felt it would be unbearable. Yet she couldn’t show her fear. She looked at him, his hair still messy from the shower but as adorable as ever, his brow wrinkled in incredulity. “It’s time,” she repeated.
“What are you? Her social secretary or her mother? And how do you know how I feel?”
Kate stood up, leaned forward, and looked into his eyes. She felt the heat from his chest, and she could have melted. There was a place beyond words where honesty and intention are felt. Kate did more than apologize. She bared herself and let him in through her eyes. Silently, she kept her eyes on his and let him feel her intentions. All of the sexual heat, all of the longing that she had repressed, was there, visible to him if he would look. Billy actually pulled back for a moment, then leaned forward.
“Doctor, are you . . . ?” His expression changed from confusion to incredulity to . . . well, it looked like delight.
Kate stood up, took the sweater off her shoulders, and tossed it onto the chair behind her. Then she sat back down on the bed and unbuttoned the top button of her blouse. “I think you should call Bina,” she said. “She won’t be home now, but you can leave a message.”
“That seems pretty cold,” Billy ventured.
“Her old boyfriend is in town. She won’t mind if you break up with her right now.”
“B-b-but over the phone?” he stammered.
Kate looked him full in the face. She felt surprised at his sense of honor and guilt at her own manipulativeness. But she put both emotions out of her mind. “I promise this way is best. I wouldn’t hurt her for the world.”
And, as if hypnotized, Billy did just that. He picked up the phone, and Kate had the delicacy to leave the room while he left the message that Bina felt was so crucial. In the bathroom, she called in sick—only the third time she’d missed a day of work. Then she had a moment to look at herself in the mirror. What are you doing? she silently asked her reflection. She couldn’t convince herself that she was giving her body to this man simply to ensure the ending to a crack-brain scheme that she certainly had never believed in. She wanted to sleep with Billy, but she was already afraid that she wanted more. And she knew his record with women. Could she afford to spend more of her time in a relationship that would lead to nothing in the end?
She looked away from her own pale blue eyes. She knew she didn’t really have a choice. She wanted Billy Nolan more than she had ever wanted anyone. But this has to mean nothing, she told herself. There is no future, only the present. I won’t make the mistakes I made with Steven and Michael. This isn’t a relationship, she told herself firmly. This is what other people call “fun.”
Fun was not exactly the word Kate would use for coupling with Billy.
“I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you on the terrace,” he said.
Kate felt something within her tighten. They were the words she wanted to hear but didn’t dare believe. They were true for her, though she had not admitted it to herself and she certainly wouldn’t admit it to Billy. That way lay madness. She just smiled enigmatically and tried to put all thought out of her mind. That was easy to do, because no one had ever made love to her the way Billy did. She wasn’t surprised by his strength or his skill, but his tenderness took her aback. He cradled her head with both hands and held her face to his as he kissed her. He stroked her hair. “It’s so beautiful,” he murmured. “I love your hair.” He buried his face in it, just beside her ear. “I love how it smells and how it feels. I wanted to touch it, but I didn’t think I’d get the chance.”
Kate turned to him, and he put his mouth on hers. She couldn’t decide what she liked better, when he used his mouth to kiss her or when he used it to speak to her. His hands spoke to her as well. They moved miraculously from her breasts to her thighs and up again to her mouth, each time going further, becoming more probing, more intimate, and even more responsive to her.
Kate had always found the first few times she made love with someone to be a little awkward and unsatisfying. But with Billy it was different. He heard and registered every intake of her breath, the slightest movement of her hips or shifting of her body. She felt she could ask him for anything without speaking a word. But she didn’t have to ask. He was slow and practiced and skillful, but she also felt such a flood of feeling, such an exchange of emotion, that she lost herself. As they made love, Billy kept his mouth on hers, and it seemed as if he had a hundred variations of kissing, all of which were in sync with his movements and her own. He took his mouth off hers only when he paused to look at her or when he moved his mouth to her nipples and then lower.
He brought her to the brink with his hand and with his mouth and then moving against her and then again with his hand, until Kate was trembling all over. She almost couldn’t catch her breath, but the feeling was wonderful, not frightening. And when she put her hand on him, his gasp was so deep that she felt an almost greater pleasure in touching him than she felt when he moved on her body. She had no idea what time it was when he finally slipped inside her for the last time, and when both of them fell asleep, exhausted and satisfied, he kept his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her to him even as they slept.
Chapter Thirty-six
Kate opened her eyes. She had one of those moments of waking dislocation. Where was she? It wasn’t her ceiling or Michael’s. Then she turned her head and saw Billy, still sleeping. The events of the previous day flooded back. Kate smiled and felt her cheeks flushing, but, uncharacteristically, she didn’t mind.
While they had slept her hair had fanned out, and now a red tendril was curled around Billy’s upper arm. Simply looking at his arm lying on the sheet, bathed in the sunshine that spread from the window across the upper part of the bed, made her feel . . . extremely happy. It was a feeling she wasn’t used to.
Kate stretched and luxuriated in the feeling. Happiness this deep was something you could not hold on to, and she was wise enough not to try. She only drank in the sunlight, the clean white sheets rumpled around them, and cherished the moment. She wasn’t thinking about the sex, though it had been exquisite. It was simply looking at Billy and experiencing the feeling of warmth, comfort, and protectiveness that staring at the hairs so perfectly aligned on his forearm seemed to give her. It was a moment of pure joy.
Slowly, so as not to wake him, she lifted her head to look at his sleeping face. Even without animation, his features had a beauty and liveliness that made her wonder. From their conversation the previous night, she felt Billy Nolan was not just another pretty face. After all, in his own way, Steven had been very handsome. But Billy seemed to have a depth of feeling, a sense of compassion and understanding, that had been blocked in Steven by his narcissism.
As if feeling himself observed, Billy opened his eyes. “Hello,” he said, his voice dipping somehow in the
middle of the word, making it sound like a self-assured and very happy greeting. Kate felt herself blush again, and this time it did embarrass her. She fell back on her pillow. Billy raised himself on one elbow, bent over her, and kissed her. His kisses were so sensitive, so searching and gentle. That reminded her of the way they had made love, his lips almost never leaving her own—except when he was kissing some other part of her. He lifted his head.
“Good morning,” Kate said, and tucked the sheet in on either side of her.
“Now you’re my prisoner. Stuck in my bed for life.”
Kate thought that that sounded like a delicious idea, but she only smiled.
“What time is it?” Billy asked, then fell back and yawned.
Kate hadn’t a clue. At the moment, she couldn’t even remember what day it was, and that also felt delicious. Lying in his bed, she felt suspended in time. If she could have asked for one place and feeling to have for all eternity, this moment would be a good choice. Then she forced herself to turn and look at the clock on the bedside table. “Oh, God,” she gasped. “It’s Friday! And almost nine. I have to call the school,” she told him, and fell back onto the bedclothes in horror. She couldn’t go running out of his apartment, scuttling like a bug to gather up her belongings, because she was way too late to get to school. She never missed work two days in a row; even when she’d had the stomach virus that had torn through the school, she’d still managed to come in after one day off. The children had to be able to count on her. But it was the end of the term, a half-day, and she had her reports to write up and the summaries that would go to the administration and the children’s parents. She ought to be at school, going through her notes, but for once she was tempted to think of herself first. Dr. McKay, on the other hand, would have to be told, and he wouldn’t like it. She knew her contract was being considered for renewal right now, and it was not a time to screw up. Still, she couldn’t leave. Billy was looking at her, his eyebrows raised in question.
Dumping Billy Page 25
