When I got my car, such as it was, I told Wallace not to drive it. I needed it and I never knew when he’d be home. He just stared at me like I was crazy. And sometimes when he came home he had had a accident and our car would be unable to drive. Of course, you know, Wallace drove my car when he felt like it. When he came home, it usually have a new dent in it. If he didn’t hit something while he was gone, he hit my tree I planted side the driveway long time ago. My tree I named Baby. I loved my tree too. He was killin it! I hated that cause I took care of my things. I’d tell him not to do it, but he did it anyway.
I didn’t have any friends. He didn’t like nobody I liked. Said they wasn’t no good, would lead me wrong. Lord! Him and my mama had done that! But my mama wasn’t so crazy bout him as she used to be. He was still nice and mannerable in front of her, but she could see them black eyes when I had em, and that time I had the broken arm. She knew. But she didn’t ever say anything to me about it, because she knew I had told her not to make me do this, but she did it anyway.
My life was just in shambles. All I had I could truly say I enjoyed was my children, cause I counted them mine. I was just miserable allll the time. I cried for what looked like to everybody else no reason. Just out the clear blue sky.
I thought about killin myself, taking my own life! After I thought about it awhile I knew I didn’t want to leave my children. And I told myself, “You ain’t got no business wantin to kill your own self! Your self ain’t the one makin your ass unhappy! He is! Don’t kill yourself!” So I didn’t.
Meanwhile, I was doin a little extra work for Mr. Evers, the garage mechanic man with the fillin station. Typin, filin, billin, cleanin up the place, things like that. He paid me well cause he knew I needed the money real bad.
Then, that time came when Wallace wrecked my car real bad, Mr. Evers got it down to his shop for me. I was cryin. He hugged me, for the first time, and told me not to worry, just pattin my shoulder. Then I felt his hand slide down my back a little too far. But I didn’t have no money and didn’t want to worry bout my car, so I didn’t say a word bout that hand. Just stood there cryin and leanin on Mr. Evers.
He said, “You know I always liked you, Ella Lee.”
“Did you, Mr. Evers?” Sniff, sniff.
He smiled and patted. “Yes.”
I sniffled. “I’m sure glad somebody do.”
He rubbed. “I’ll fix your car for you.”
I sniffled loud and wailed, “But, I ain’t go no money, Mr. Evers.”
He rubbed harder. “Wellll, we’ll work somethin out.”
I looked up at him, sniffled softer. “What we goin to work out, Mr. Evers?”
He looked down at me, still rubbin. “Well, we’ll see. Do you like me, Ella Lee? A little?”
“Oh! Mr. Evers, sure I like you. You bout the only friend I got.” I didn’t count my mama too much since she was the one made me marry that Wallace. She didn’t have no money for my car either.
He bent his head down to me, “But … I mean, do you like me a pretty good piece?”
I kinda laughed. “I like you a whole lot!” I did, too! He was always kind to me. Concerned for me. I sure did like him! I needed that.
His hand slid all the way down my back and patted. I liked it cause it was gentle. He didn’t GRAB me and GOUGE, PULL me round like Wallace did!
Somebody drove in and he moved away, said, “Well then, we’ll work it out.”
And we must did, cause my car got fixed.
Now, Wallace was very jealous and mean-minded, so the only way Mr. Evers and me could make this thing work out was for me to work longer hours for him in exchange for him fixin the car and later on he would give me extra money on the side. It worked. I’m so glad. I needed kindness.
I really started likin my job. I always liked mechanical work anyway. Grease and all. Don’t know why, just do. I was learnin how to do a whole lot of things on a car as well as the book-work too.
I, also, got to likin Mr. Evers too. He was real nice. When we would slip off together to “get along,” he was so different from Wallace. He was gentle … and kind. He would massage me, all them pains Wallace gave me. He would bring along a little gin with orange juice, put them old Billie Holiday records on, and then make love to the music, real slow … and gentle. First, I thought it was cause he was older. Now, I know it’s cause he just know what he’s doin. Yes, sir! I grew to like him a lot. He was the first man I had picked for myself. The second man in the whole world to make love to me. And he really cared … for me. If I told him not to do something, he didn’t do it!
I still was havin a horrible life at home with Wallace. He had just lately found my new hidin place for my money I saved for my children. He took it, spent it on just nothin! His women! I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway. He beat me pretty bad bout hidin that money too. Throwin me all up side the wall and all. Two black eyes, arm twisted so bad it untwisted like a telephone cord almost! I begged him not to do it, but he did it anyway.
Mr. Evers was really mad, but what could he do? Wallace would kill ME sure-nuff! He wouldn’t do nothin to Mr. Evers! He ain’t gonna hit nothin but a woman. Not going to hit no man.
Now … I love my ass. And I was pretty damned tired of havin it beat!
When I was a little better … almost, Mr. Evers said out the clear blue sky, “Let me show you how to fix your car so nobody will be able to steal it without bein hurt.” I watched and learned how to fix them wires round and do a couple things extra I knew already on my own. I already had one dream. Now I added a plan.
Now, please don’t think I am a mean, ugly person. I am not. I was just tired of bein so abused, not listened to. Lord, have mercy on me, I sure didn’t mean to do nothin to nobody. To hurt nobody!
But, I did fix my car with the wires and everything, right on the side of my house where I lived with Wallace, in my driveway. And I did, when he came in half-drunk from somewhere off with his women, tell him I had to go off … and “NOT TO USE MY CAR CAUSE I WAS GOING TO USE IT WHEN I GOT BACK.”
I started down the street, went back to the house and said again, “Wallace, DON’T USE MY CAR. I MEAN THAT.” Then I went on bout my business.
Least I thought I could. I really had not gone far when my mind told me, no matter what anybody did, I didn’t have no business gettin mean as they were. I turned round and started runnin back home. I was goin to tell him what might happen if he use that car before it got fixed. But I was too late! I saw him steppin into the car. He saw me comin. He laughed that ole ugly laugh of his. Stepped on the starter before he closed the door.
I screamed, “DON’T DO IT, WALLACE, DON’T START THAT CAR!” But he thought I was still tellin him what to do, and … he did it anyway.
Now … I don’t know how all this happened. It was just gonna be a little ole small explosion. But good thing Wallace hadn’t closed that door. The car blew up! Wallace was blown sideways out the car door, then he went straight up! Don’t ask me how all that happened, where all that power came from. I guess that car didn’t like him neither! He went straight up in the air, don’t know how many feet, and he came down in my tree, Baby! Baby like to beat him to death as he was fallin down through the branches. I told Baby, “Get him, Baby, get him!” Baby got him! When he hit the ground he had whelps all over his whole body I could see, from them tree branches whippin his behind! And you know how he use to always STARE at me, like he was tryin to scare me or something? Well, he don’t stare at nobody no more, cause when he finally came down and hit his head on that cement in the driveway, one eye looks up and the other looks down! They don’t look in the same direction no more! But … he can still see. One thing at a time.
Well … I told him not to do it. But he did it anyway.
It didn’t kill him. I didn’t plan to. I wasn’t goin to mess my car up so bad I couldn’t find it and fix it!! I wasn’t plannin on goin to no prison neither for no man on this God’s earth! But, he did have to go to the hospital for some broken bones and things. And b
out his eyes, but seems they couldn’t do nothin right away. Said one day they may just straighten themselves out. He was gone four, five weeks and after that he came out on crutches.
So … I had time to save for my dream. My dream … since the day I was married, was my divorce. And I got one!
I moved out Wallace house. I didn’t want nothin from there. Not even the house either. Wasn’t nothin there noway, but pain and sufferin. Mr. Evers rented me and my children another one for a little while, til he could buy us one. Ooohhh, yes! I liked Mr. Evers a whole lot now!
I don’t know what I would have done without him. He helped to give me knowledge and helped me with money. A person needs their marriage partner to be a friend sometimes. See, a older man that’s still good is hard to find. And a good man that’s older with some sense is hard to find, cause they usually all taken. Catch you a young one, good and with some sense, you done got you ten gold stars from heaven! That goes for good women too! Sometimes they hard to find too!
Now, it’s my fillin station. We work there, Mr. Evers and Mrs. Evers, side by side. My children are happier, cause it’s peaceful in our home. And sides that, it’ll be their station one day. They can even plan on college now. They got a brand-new little brother now, too. I named him “Fore” cause his last name is “Evers.”
The only thing is … the other day my son from Wallace was going to do something and I told him not to do it. But he did it anyway! Now, I know I wasn’t able to stop his daddy from goin under my dress to get him, but I also know I ain’t havin another Wallace comin out from my own dress for me to raise and live with! I whipped that boy so hard, Mr. Evers had to stop me.
Mr. Evers said, “Quit whippin that boy, Ella Lee. That ain’t Wallace you whippin!”
I told Mr. Evers right back, “He MY son and I know what I am doin!” See, I blive if a whippin is right, if they can feeeel it, you may not have to whip that child again for the same thing. And that might mean his life! Who gonna want him if he like Wallace? Not me! And I’m his mama. So he got whipped.
This morning, when I told him not to do something … Well … he let “something” alone.
And Wallace. Well, his one dream now is a drink and a place to lay his head at night. Even his butcher daddy is sick of him. He stay drunk all the time now. He is killin hisself. Just killin hisself!
Everytime I accidently see him … I always tell him, “Don’t do that to yourself Wallace. Don’t drink yourself to death.” Yes, I tell him not to do it … BUT.…
NO
LIE
Everybody talkin bout how Time is such a great, forever, long thing, makes me wonder why the little piece of life we get is such a short one. I know I could use a couple hundred years more, cause the time you do get, ain’t nothing but enough to show you what you oughta have done with the time you done already had. Then, you be done got to the end of your life and ain’t had time enough to really, really use what you done learned. No Lie!
Like in the beginnin, when I was born? I was a beautiful bouncing baby boy! Then I was a pretty youngster growing up and a good-lookin handsome man when I was grown finally to be a man. I know what I’m sayin. No Lie!
My mama say the first thing I looked at in this world was the female nurse. I knew at that minute I loved women. Been lovin em ever since. No Lie!
I learned about sex at a late age, bout eleven or twelve years old. I took to it right away! When I got to be bout nineteen or twenty years old I was Jamming everything would stand still long enough.
I had done learned the cardinal rules from them old men, and some fathers, who tell all the young boys how to grow up to get to be smart young men. They tell you all kind of things. I can’t remember all of em, but some things was, “You don’t need nothin fat but a bankroll.” Or “You don’t need nothin black but a cadillac!” Even “You don’t never fool with nothin old but gold!” And “Don’t never fool with no yellow woman, they evil. They sleep with their fists balled up!” And “Ain’t nothin right about white women but their money!” Or “If they brown, keep em down!” All such a stuff like that forms many a boy’s education when it comes to women. We learn it from the old men almost while we takin milk from our mama’s breast. My brother, he’s older than me, he laughed at them old men, but me, I listened to em! And learned!
Now, this woman tellin you my story don’t like me to talk like this, but when I looked at my private piece one day, I named him “Beau Jam.” Beau Jam! Well, that’s cause that’s what I was doin, you see. Jammin everything I could. All I thought of, morning, noon and night, was women. That stuff filled my head. No Lie! If I could’a made love to myself, I would’a! I’d kiss it if I could! I loved my body cause I loved makin love with it!
Remember from school, that story bout the stepmother? And that mirror, mirror on the wall? Well, all my early life I looked for one of them beautiful mirrors for me to look in. I finally found one and had to pay bout $400 for it! It was worth it! It was so beautiful it made me more handsome. I have carried that mirror with me everywhere I been. Still got it! Yea, I loved my looks!
The women loved me, too! Well, liked me, I guess, cause I never stayed long enough for none of that love stuff. No. No. I had to keep movin on to some place new. There’s too many women in the world to stay too long with just one of em! No Lie!
Sides, I like the romance part at the beginnin. That’s the best part. The beginning. I like that eye business, when you first meet somebody, or you spot em cross the way. You can tell, too, sometimes by just lookin at the lonesome in her face, the need in her eyes, just how soon she gonna say yes and how long it will take to be in her bed! No Lie! You can even tell by the way she’s built, just where everything is gonna be! Now, that’s the truth.
Yea, I like that eye business. Then comes the “talkin that talk” that’s kinda fly and witty and sweet. Excites your nerves some, upsets you in the right way. Sometimes, tho, they can turn you off right at the start! Didn’t too many turn me off tho, cause I knew I wasn’t gonna stay too long no how. So what I care how dumb she was, or how anything she was? My brother was always lookin for a “good” girl. He sure was a fool. What you gonna do with a good girl?
Anyway, when you like em, it’s the best, more fun. No lie! But you already know that.
Then … them little accidental touches start. Them brushes of the bodies. Yeasssss. You can tell how a woman gonna be in her lovemakin like that sometimes.
Then, you finally gets to the kisses. The first one is always sweet … always sweet. Cause, see, she think you is her future husband. While I would be counting the time, she be seein a husband, maybe. After the kisses start, it ain’t gonna be long then fore you get what I came for. See, I believe in the hereafter … and I know what I am here after! I get it too! These ladies have changed for the better. I like this liberation stuff! These new liberated ladies will do most anything to get what they want!
Sometime, after the lovemaking, I be happy awhile, cause she be happy, you see. She be playin house. Shopping for food, cooking them nice meals, buying some nice little things for me. Like house slippers to be used round the house. Make me feel at home so I can think I want to live with her in holy matrimony. Yes … everything be nice, real nice. Warm and cozy. You can get all you want! My brother wasn’t gettin hardly any, the kind of woman he looked for! Sometimes you could get money too. But I didn’t always look for that.
Then … things always begin to change. Cause they just got to ask that one bad question. “Do you love me?” That comes bout the second night you stay with her. Well, hell! You got to say yes! I did! Cause maybe I wasn’t through. Then they keep askin it, and it’s something some women feel and know cause some of em didn’t blive me. They want me to get married and prove it! So I knew it was time to go … and that’s what I did.
I members some of em start demanding things. Like proof of my love. Wellll, that change things right there. Soon … I start being a little late when I meet em, go visit. Then a lot late, cause they don�
��t raise up off that love stuff. Why can’t a woman be satisfied with a little lovin from a good man?
Then, she want to know who else is in my life. My life! Hell, do she really think I’m going to tell her? No, Lord. Not and mess up all my good things for Beau Jam!
So then I start not showing up at all. Cause it ain’t no fun no more. They done messed it up! She done took all the laughter and joy out of the thing. She got to pout and fuss before you can make love. That make the love-makin sad. So, soon, I ain’t goin there no more at all. Just drop it, cause I ain’t got time to beg and fuss bout no lovin. It’s another one out there who ain’t pouting and fussin. They ain’t hard to get cause they lookin for love … and they don’t always can tell what it look like, so I get in a whole lotta doors with a imitation key. Ohhhh, Man! That was fun! No Lie! Well, It sure felt like fun. My brother, that fool, didn’t have but one girl then.
Now … you leavin the woman alone cause you don’t want to fuss, then she don’t want to leave you alone. Calls you, say, “Come by my place,” stuff like that. You know what they want when they say, “Pleeeeeassssssss?” But by that time I be done sized up some other woman and I be gone on a new thing. Then I look up one day and the same thing done happened with the new thing … and I got to move on again.
Wellll, a lotta time in my life passed like that. Just going long havin fun. Hell, I was young. Didn’t think too much about time. I looked up one day, seemed like only a year had passed, but it was ten of em and I was thirty years old. Had a few babies behind me and a whole lotta pretty women. Ain’t gonna tell you bout them ugly ones, but they sure-nuff got somethin what makes them look beautiful sometime. No Lie!
My brother had done married his woman. Wasn’t he nothin?! I laughed at him. Wastin all his health and good lovin on one woman! Havin babies. He was tryin to go to college at that time too! He wasn’t havin no fun!
Well, I didn’t marry bout them babies. I told them women not to have em cause I wasn’t no marryin man and had a lot to do in my life fore I could be a daddy to anybody. They went on and did it anyway! So it ain’t my fault. I told em that was their business, not mine. So … I still didn’t get married. Some called me “irresponsible,” but I don’t care! I was too smart for that! What I really was, was irresistible! Noooo lie.
The Matter Is Life Page 10
