CONTROLLED SURRENDER
Christin Lovell
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Copyright 2012 by Christin M Lovell
Cover Images:
TheModernCanvas - Fotolia.com
Andreas Gradin - Fotolia.com
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This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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ALPHA DOMS
Controlled Curves
Controlled Desires
Controlled by the Alpha
Controlled Passions
Controlled Cravings
Controlled Surrender
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CONTROLLED SURRENDER
Chapter 1
LAINA
I met his gaze. My chest constricted; my heart skipped a beat. I kept my eyes neutral, suppressing the surge of desire, the geyser of emotions within me.
I wasn’t alone in my reaction. I saw the heat in his eyes; his desire was blatant. He didn’t bother hiding it anymore. It was instinctual though. He didn’t want me because I had an amazing personality, a gorgeous figure or a quiet strength; he wanted me because nature dictated he ought to.
I saw the women his brothers dated; I saw the women he casually glanced at. Their hips were half the size of mine. They were athletic women with tone, definition and a flat stomach, the ideal physique of a female werewolf.
I was broken though. Somehow, I’d broken the mold of what a female were ought to look like. Somehow, I’d ballooned up to a size twenty-two when most of the women in our pack were a size two. I was an outcast. I defied nature in physical form.
My wolf had been whimpering, crying out since the moment Jayson became alpha of our pack four years ago. I craved him; I yearned for him more than food, more than air. But, I wasn’t going to give in. I didn’t want him to resent the gods for pairing us. Once he claimed me, he was stuck with me forever. Right now, he had a choice. Right now, he could find that perfect female were to rule with him over the pack.
I wasn’t that were. I wasn’t regarded highly by any of the pack members. Even my own family looked down upon me. I knew, had I told them I was mated to the their alpha, they would have laughed in my face. I was a plus size woman in a world of supermodels and it was obvious to everyone. I couldn’t embarrass him like that. I cared about him too much. I cared about my pack too much, despite how little they seemed to regard me.
I averted my gaze and took off for the cover of the trees, needing to escape the endless ache. Each time I looked at him, I suffered. My insides twisted with tension, with a potent need as my heart smashed into a million pieces. It felt like all the air was being forced from my lungs when my gaze fell upon him; my world trembled every time he was near before it collapsed when I had to walk away.
Tears pricked my eyes as I pounded my bare feet against the forest floor. My legs flew, the wind exhilarating me as the leaves flying up behind me encouraged me.
I’d never hated my lot in life; I knew others suffered a far worse fate than bulges of fat. But I’d always questioned it. I didn’t understand how I became the way I was; I didn’t understand why I had to be the odd one out. Nonetheless, I refused to impose this curse upon him. I refused to force my pack to look to a shapeless woman for guidance. I refused to be the representative of the females of my pack. I wasn’t one of them. My genitalia was the same, but all else faltered with massive canyons between.
Chapter 2
JAYSON
My heart broke as Laina slipped away between the trees. My wolf howled, begging to be set free so he could seek her out.
Of all of my alpha responsibilities, control took the highest effort, particularly when my own mate refused to submit. She obeyed the commands of the pack, but never personal orders. She’d turned her back on me, on nature, on our special bond, to run freely. She’d left me to suffer in silence because she didn’t want me.
I couldn’t blame her I supposed. She was gorgeous. She was rare in the world of weres; she was an anomaly. Her luscious body, her gorgeous curves were extraordinary in our world, in my world. Ignoring my wolf, I found myself being drawn to her, longing to touch every rounded curve, every swell on her beautiful body.
I wished to thread my fingers through her auburn hair, to kiss the lids that covered her brilliant emerald eyes; I wanted to brush my tan skin against her ivory silk. I hungered for her. My body ached merely at the sight of her. She was lovely; a mysterious treasure.
I’d never listened to the rumors. I’d never listened to the foul words spoken by her own family. What others thought didn’t matter. My feelings, my desires were all that mattered. I was the goddamn alpha of this pack. I could override all of them if I wanted, but I couldn’t force her to look at me with warmth. I could force her to surrender to me, but I couldn’t force her to kiss me back, to relax and enjoy my love. And that was just it. I loved her too much to force her into something she didn’t want.
I loved her too much.
Chapter 3
LAINA
As I reached the clearing, the cliff that overlooked the mountains with the river flowing strong at the base of it, I slowed. This was where I came to breathe; this was where I came to escape, to cry in silence, unhindered, unobserved.
I ambled close to the edge. Closing my eyes, I spread my arms out and allowed the wind to sweep over me. Mother nature spoke to me in these moments; she reassured me. She gave me strength to continue, the strength to deny my heart and my wolf.
The water gushed below; the waterfall half a mile away sent the water chopping against the rocks, against the mountains. The birds chirped as they flew overhead; they’d disappear over the next few weeks when they flew south for the winter. Squirrels rustled the leaves, chasing each other between hunting for nuts.
I listened as my heartbeat slowed, as my pulse seemed to vanish as a comforting peace settled over me. These were the moments I cherished. This was the serenity I craved.
I opened my eyes and lowered myself to the ground. I lay back on the grass and stared up at the sky, enjoying nature’s grandeur all around me. This was my heaven. This was where I wanted to stay.
I looked at the sun beginning to lower over the mountains. Night would be here soon. Dread bound my chest as I thought of returning to camp, returning to Jayson and my family.
My gaze slid down over my plump figure. I could afford to skip one meal. I nibbled on my lips, contemplating. I doubted anyone would miss me.
I slid up onto my elbows and studied the forest before me. I strained my ears; I didn’t hear any wolves nearby. I sniffed the air; I didn’t scent any wolves within the vicinity. Within the next twenty minutes they would all convene for our family dinner. Once night fully fell, they would go home for the night. No one would come searching for me.
I lay back down, settling in. I was going to spend the night with Mother Nature. She was always welcome company.
Chapter 4
JAYSON
I honed in on Laina’s place at the table, as I did every night. Her mother, father and brother were present, but she was noticeably absent. I would have felt if she was in danger, which al
lowed anger to prevail. Why wasn’t she here?
“Mirna, where is Laina?”
The middle-aged woman smiled sweetly at me, but couldn’t hide the irritation in the rest of her features. “I’m afraid I don’t know.”
“She’s got enough meat on her to skip a month of family dinners,” her brother, Roberto, mumbled.
My anger morphed to rage as I slammed my fist down on the table. The entire pack grew quiet as they stared at me in horror.
My wolf roared inside me. Every hair stood up on him, every muscle buckled as he rammed against his cage. I bore down on my muscles, grinding my teeth to help me contain him.
Mirna’s cheeks colored as her nostrils flared. “Don’t worry about her, Jayson. She’s a big girl. She can afford to miss a few meals.”
Her father, Rupert, was sitting silently beside his wife. His eyes were gray storms as they glared at the empty seat beside his son.
“No one in this pack is going without,” I declared.
My wolf rumbled, echoing my statement. He scratched at my lungs, cutting my chest, scraping the cage around my heart raw.
“She doesn’t deserve such mercy.” Rupert scowled, the words having been spit from his mouth.
I bristled, on the verge of combusting.
“Relax, bro. It’s no big deal if she misses dinner.” Aaron, my brother and pack beta, sat back, crossing his arms over his chest casually.
“Where is she?” I looked around the table. “When was the last time any of you saw her?” My fury was the only thing keeping fear from overwhelming me. I didn’t know what I’d do if she ran away.
Murmurs erupted around the table, but no one could answer me. Did they really think that little of her?
“Maybe she’s just late?” Ramona, one of the pack elders, offered.
I gazed at her aging face, discomfort settling in my chest.
“Why is he so worried about the fat one?” Sarah grumbled to her best friend, Amanda. My wolf sneered. Her high school immaturity was the only thing saving her.
“Who knows? She’s a disgrace to our pack if you ask me.” Amanda huffed.
“Is it such a harm if she misses one meal? Lord knows the girl has enough on her to hibernate all winter,” Rebecca, another mother, said.
“I think he feels obligated. She’s an unfortunate part of this pack, which makes her his responsibility,” Edna added her own two cents.
Several of the teenage boys began tossing around jokes about Laina’s size. The worst part, what crushed me inside, was that many of the adults, the examples of propriety sitting around this table, quietly laughed with them.
Where had I gone wrong? Where did I slip up in teaching them to protect their own, to look out for their own? We looked out for every member of this pack; young, old, big, small, it didn’t matter. They were one of us. Now I saw their true colors coming through. No wonder Laina didn’t want to be with me. I’d allowed them to ridicule her. I’d allowed them to push her away.
My body began to shake as their words swarmed me, igniting my wolf, ballooning my distress.
Aaron leaned across the table towards me. “Bro, you’re blowing this way up.”
“He’s probably the only one that cares. Even Mirna said her daughter was a massive disappointment,” Maxine whispered to my mother, my mother who sat primly at the table, acting as if nothing was happening.
Brad, my youngest brother stood. He came around and clapped my shoulder. “Let’s just sit and eat. If she doesn’t show, we’ll send a few people to look for her,” he stated.
They were so nonchalant. They acted as if their worlds weren’t collapsing because of one loss. The loss of one was a loss to all had been my motto.
My pulse quickened. My veins burned with something close to acid, though I knew it was my supreme disgust with my entire pack. I’d never wanted to walk away from my position so badly. I’d never wanted to punish an entire group of people.
My bones rattled as my wolf thrashed at the final barrier containing him. I was so close to letting him loose so he could shred them, so he could lash out at all of them for turning their backs on his mate, on my mate. Perhaps they could breathe easily without her, maybe they thought she wasn’t a vital part of us, but she would always be the most important part of me.
I shoved Brad off of me. I growled, the sound echoing throughout the cabin. I slapped one fist against the table followed by the other. The table shook, everything on top of it clattering. I glared at each one of them, spearing them with my eyes, slicing them with my indignation.
“How dare you defy me! How dare you dismiss one of our own!”
“She doesn’t contribute much,” someone stated.
My ears were burning, my muscles on the verge of splitting. My pulse echoed in my head, muffling my supernatural hearing.
“Says who?” I demanded.
“Son, you must admit, she is the… how shall we call her, the least of us?” My mother’s voice was low, her words spoken with proper delicacy.
I stared incredulously at her. “Maybe she’s the least to you, but she’s the most of me. She’s my fucking mate!”
Gasps sounded all around. My mother paled. I didn’t even bother looking towards Laina’s family.
“The loss of one is a loss to all, right? Well all of you go! If she doesn’t eat, then no one eats.” They’d officially tipped me over the edge.
Sputters flew. Several of the pack elders and my family were attempting to calm me, but I was too far gone. Their attempts to pacify me, to justify their judgments, fell upon deaf ears.
I’d never felt so out of control. I’d never been so close to committing mass murder. “Shut up! I’m ashamed of every one of you. I’m ashamed to be your alpha! I didn’t raise you this way. I didn’t teach you to alienate any one.”
“Surely we can do something,” Ramona said.
“There is nothing you can say or do now,” I bit out through gritted teeth. Each exhale was a loud huff. “Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, just go.”
“Damn it. I told you you should have given her away,” Roberto grumbled as he stood.
My wolf poked through. Before I knew what I was doing, I’d slammed Laina’s brother against the wall. “You want her gone? Well, I want you gone. I won’t allow her to be demeaned by her own flesh and blood. You and your family have twenty-four hours to vacate.”
His eyes widened in terror. “You… you don’t really mean that, right? I mean, I didn’t really mean it.” I loved how he suddenly became a squeaking mouse despite being two years older than his sister.
I growled, moving to mere inches from his face where I could stare him down. “Try me,” I snarled low and menacing.
“We’ll do better with her. Every family has their issues,” Mirna sniveled.
I let go of Roberto. He tumbled down, his ass smacking the floor as I spun towards her. “You should look up the definition of family. You’ve treated your daughter, my mate, like anything but. You think I don’t hear you? You think I’m oblivious to your snide remarks, to the way you humiliate her with your spiteful comments. My failure was not doing something about this sooner. My disgrace, that I’ll have to live with forever, is knowing that I allowed her to be bullied by the ones I dedicated my life to protecting. I can’t blame her for rejecting me. I don’t even blame her for finally running away.”
“We could do far more for this pack than my daughter ever will,” Rupert stated. “As the alpha, you have to understand the importance of choice.”
“I value choice as much as I value integrity, ethics and morals. I want no one without them to represent me, the same way I refuse to represent those without them anymore. If that means I lose half the people here, then so be it. When questioned, I could consciously explain why I released you all. But come your day of atonement, you’ll be groveling when your mistakes are slathered before you.”
Rupert put his arm around his wife. Tears streamed down Mirna’s face, but her indignant expression ruin
ed the sentiment.
Roberto lifted from the floor and went to stand behind his mother. “Come on, Mom. I don’t want to stay where we’re not wanted.” He no longer cowered but rather played the role of a rebellious teen, which wasn’t attractive on a twenty-eight year old male.
“If anyone else doesn’t agree with my stand, then leave with them,” I ordered.
No one moved a muscle. They all stood, scared straight as they watched the scene unfold in horror. Perhaps this was their day of atonement. Perhaps this was the night that needed to happen in order to make them learn. My job was to teach them, to guide them. There was no better way to mold them than with example and discipline.
I ground my teeth, flexing my jaw as I glared at Laina’s family. Despite what I’d done, I knew I’d still failed her. That’s what hurt the most. Not their actions, but my own.
It was going to take a lot to earn my place beside her, particularly when she deserved so much more than I’d ever given her.
“Shit. I’m sorry, bro.” Aaron scrubbed his face. I heard the apology in his voice, but it was too late. He’d already made his true feelings known.
“Save it,” I snapped.
Slowly, the pack began filing out of the dining room, making their way back to their homes around the central compound.
I watched as Amanda’s dad yanked on her ear, tugging her through the crowd. “You cost me my meal. You’re in deep shit little one,” he grumbled.
“It’s Laina’s fault for not showing up,” she whined.
I wanted to shake each and every one of them the way my body shook with a fury comparable only to a category ten hurricane, which was too far off the charts to define.
I turned away from them. Every step weighed me down further. I sank into my chair at the head of the table. I stared emptily at the food lining the center of the table. I didn’t doubt most of the pack members would go home and eat, which was why I didn’t bat a lash at dismissing them.
I ran my hand through my hair, yanking on my roots. It felt like the bottom had been pulled out from under me. I wanted to chase her. I wanted to hold her, to whisper a thousand apologies to her as I snuggled in bed with her… after thoroughly claiming her.
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