by Sky Corgan
Why hasn't he touched me yet? Does he not like what he's seeing? Is Jack even still behind me? I was too afraid to look. Ever since I had begun undressing, all I could hear was the rustling of my clothing and the sound of my own heavy breathing. Everything else had faded away.
Figuring that if Jack was going to make a move, he would have done it already, I pulled back his comforter and crawled beneath the covers. In my peripheral vision, I could see Jack was still there, unwavering. It was as if my body had been the head of Medusa, and I had turned him to stone. It felt strange and uncomfortable that he hadn't done anything—hadn't said anything.
I kept my eyes to the ceiling, avoiding Jack's at all costs. He moved around to the other side of the bed and began taking off his tuxedo jacket. Though I had seen him remove his clothing dozens of times before, this time it was different. Jack's fingers fumbled at his tie, and though he was facing away from me, I could sense nervousness emitting from his body. He paused occasionally, as if he were contemplating something, but then continued all the same, pulling his tie from around his neck, thumbing the buttons on his shirt. The stiff white thing slid over his shoulders, revealing tan flesh, flesh that would soon be moving on top of mine. My stomach fluttered from the thought. Then when his shirt was tossed haphazardly onto the dresser, I heard the deafening sound of his zipper being pulled down. Every one of my senses seemed amplified from the heat of the moment. Wasn't alcohol supposed to have dulled them instead?
Jack stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, though he made no attempt to touch me. As stiff as boards, we laid side by side, both staring up at the ceiling like virgins afraid to take things a step further. It was one of the most awkward moments of my life, but also one of the most exciting. I was naked in bed with wealthy famous ridiculously attractive Jack Kemble. How many women could say that? Unfortunately a lot, though not at that exact moment. For the rest of the night, he was all mine. I just needed the courage to . . .
“You're a strange woman.” He broke me free of my naughty thoughts.
“I know,” was all I could think of to say.
“Good night, Miss Strayer.” Jack clapped his hands twice and the lights turned off, covering us in darkness.
Good night? What did he mean by that? I waited, still as a statue, my heart pounding with a mix of anticipation and confusion. He would make a move soon, I just knew it. After a few minutes, Jack's hands would be roaming my body. But for as much as I thought about, I never felt it. The only time he moved was to maneuver into a more comfortable position. Shortly afterward, I heard him snoring, and my heart sank into despair.
Silently, the tears began to cascade down my face. Was it disappointment in myself that I was feeling or embarrassment? Maybe I was upset because Jack had rejected me for once. I had plainly offered myself to him, and he had turned me away. My pathetic plan to seduce Jack in his bedroom had failed, and now I looked a fool.
Everything in me wanted to slink out of bed and go home, but I didn't know where my car was, and if I called Mandy to come pick me up, he would probably catch me trying to make my escape. The only option was to lay there and wait for morning to come, to face what had happened and hope I could still salvage some shred of dignity.
Despite my drunkenness, the alcohol did not lull me into restful sleep. My body was too uncomfortable in the strange bed, my mind constantly reeling about the night's events. Every moment awake was far worse than any nightmare my subconscious could have conjured up.
Somehow, I managed to sleep long enough to wake the next morning to an empty bed. I hoped Halloween had just been a bad dream, but when I realized where I was, overwhelming dread filled me. My head felt like seven hells, and my body was sticky with perspiration from sweating out the alcohol. Not to mention the fact that I smelled like a bar. I was even more embarrassed Jack had to wake up next to me like that. At least, I had managed not to vomit on him during the night.
With a spinning head, I sat up to slip back into my costume. Putting on the costume was tedious business, and every move made me feel like I might retch. As soon as I finished lacing my bodice, I stumbled to the bathroom to empty my body of stomach acid and bile. Some princess I made, I thought to myself as I stared at my smeared makeup and mussed up hair in the mirror. I absolutely disgusted myself, and was sure Jack was disgusted with me as well. How could I possibly face him?
Despite my illness, I fixed myself up as best I could by washing my face and brushing the tangles out of my hair with Jack's comb, allowing it to cascade over my shoulders in a wavy mess. I was far from attractive, but at least I was presentable. Hopefully, I could make it downstairs without having to throw up again.
It had taken all the effort that I had just to put the dress back on, so I decided to gather my stockings and shoes and walk downstairs barefoot. Some of my bad mood seemed to have carried over from the night before, because I was annoyed with how large the mansion was. If I found a phone before I found Jack, I'd use it to call Mandy and have her come pick me up. With the way I was feeling, I couldn't be bothered to hunt him down.
The aroma of cinnamon helped me find my way to the kitchen. Someone had recently been cooking, though not recently enough. All the counters had been wiped down and the dishes put away, all save one that was sitting on the breakfast bar, piled with scrambled eggs and small sausages and cinnamon toast.
“Hello,” I called out, assuming a chef would emerge from the shadows. No one came though, and the longer I looked at the plate, the more my stomach twisted with hunger.
In search of silverware, I pulled open the drawers and looked through them until I found a fork. Then I pushed myself up onto a bar stool and dug in, greedily stuffing my face full of egg. It was cold but still tasted good.
“You're up,” Jack's voice came from behind me. The sound of it made me want to cringe.
“Mhm.” I swallowed hard, refusing to look at him.
“I thought you'd be hungry, so I had Sergio make you a plate. Was it still warm or did you have to microwave it?”
Thank God I hadn't made a bigger ass of myself by stealing Jack's food too. “It was cold, but I don't care.”
My stomach rumbled in fury as I took too big of a bite, and for a moment, I thought I might vomit everything I had eaten back up.
“Water, juice, milk?” Jack asked as he rounded my field of vision. He looked perfect in a pair of gray pajama pants and a loose-fitting T-shirt.
“Water . . . or milk. No, water,” I decided finally. Milk might upset my stomach more.
Jack reached up into an overhead cabinet for a glass and then filled it up from the dispenser in his refrigerator door before coming over to place it next to my plate. “It was quite a night last night.”
My entire body tensed, not wanting to talk about it. “Yup.” I shoved a sausage in my mouth, hoping to deter further conversation. Jack pulled himself up onto the bar stool beside me, and we sat in awkward silence until I finished chewing. “Where's my car?” I asked finally.
“Robert brought it over.” He dug my keys out of his pocket and set them on the bar.
“Good stuff. After I eat, I'll be on my way.”
“You don't have to go so soon. I bet you don't feel too hot.”
Actually, I felt like I was burning up, but I understood what Jack meant. “Even more of a reason to go home and get settled in my own bed.”
He took a deep breath. “I'm not mad about what happened last night, in case you're wondering.”
“Good.”
“I know you had too much to drink and probably weren't very aware of the things you were doing and saying.”
“Yeah.” Could we just stop talking about it? I remembered more than I cared to discuss.
“We didn't have sex either, if you're worried about that.”
“I know.”
“Oh, well, just wanted to make sure you did.”
“I appreciate it.” The question was why hadn't we had sex, but I didn't dare ask it.
; “I don't want you to feel awkward.”
It was a bit too late for that. I was quickly losing my appetite, not just because of the hangover but also because of the discussion. With tension mounting, I decided to push my plate aside and take my leave. “Well, thank you for having me,” I told Jack. “Sorry the night was so strange.”
“It's fine. It was interesting, to say the least.”
“Indeed it was.”
“Did you get all your things?” He slid from the bar stool to walk me to the door.
“I think so,” I replied, going through a mental checklist, not that I had brought a lot with me.
At the door, Jack gave me an awkward hug, pulling me a lot closer to him than I found advisable, given my odor de alcohol. His muscles felt hard beneath my fingertips, which were only bold enough to brush the surface of his T-shirt.
After giving me a brief set of directions, Jack opened my car door and ushered me inside. Before I had even pulled out of his driveway, the tears were flowing down my cheeks again. There had been many times before when I had screwed up with Jack, but this was the ultimate. My pride was crushed, and there was a dull aching in my heart, though I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I knew I could never face him again. The happy life I had enjoyed for the past several months was now over. Everything I had worked for had disappeared at the bottom of a bottle. I would never see Jack Kemble again.
CHAPTER FOUR
The first night I stayed at Eric's place, I slept with one eye open. Part of me didn't trust him, though I had no reason not to. He had offered to share his bed with me, a courteous thing to do, but there were other motives behind it, I was sure. Naturally, I had declined, and found myself on the couch. While Eric had been nice enough to offer to share his bed, he didn't seem interested in taking the couch himself. Wasn't that the gentleman thing to do? I guess it was different when I was moving in and not just staying the night.
My last night with Jack Kemble played through my head like a recurring nightmare. It made me feel better to pretend that drinking had been my downfall. Would I have offered myself to him had I not been drunk? Would he have accepted me? There was really no way of knowing, since that's not what happened. Either way, the embarrassment of the situation was enough to make me never want to see Jack again.
When I went home the day after Halloween, I slept off my hangover. And when I awoke on Sunday, the first thing that I did was pack my things. A promise was a promise. If I was going to quit my job, then I couldn't stay with Mandy any longer.
I didn't tell her I was leaving until I was already packed and ready to go. While I would have preferred to leave with the clothes on my back, there was the matter of furniture I had collected over the years: a bed, a chest of drawers, and two night stands. “I hope you don't mind if I leave them for the time being. As soon as I can save up some money for storage, I'll come back and get them. For now, you can use them for whoever comes in as my replacement roommate. Or, if you want to get them out right away, I'll call my parents and have them come pick them up,” I told her.
“Jen, what happened?” Mandy's hazel eyes were large with concern. She was taking this harder than I had expected.
“I don't want to talk about it. I can't go back to Sygex,” I insisted.
“Did he do something to you? Did he hurt you? Just because he's rich doesn't mean he's above the law,” she said, obviously expecting the worst.
“No. It's not what he did. It's what I did. I just . . . really don't want to get into it. Maybe after time has passed, I'll tell you about it. For now though, I'd rather just drop the subject.”
Mandy seemed displeased that I didn't want to talk about it but dropped the subject all the same. “Are you going to stay with Eric?”
“Mhm.” I nodded.
She saw me off with a sad expression, and I cried all the way to Eric's apartment. It wasn't where I wanted to be, but it was my only option if I didn't want to go live with my parents. Hopefully, living with Eric would light a fire under my ass and make me take my job search seriously. The faster I got a job, the faster I could go back and live with Mandy, if she hadn't moved someone else into my room by then. It was a depressing thought.
With my less than impressive resume, I hit the streets and the internet. Following Mandy's model of finding me employment, I put myself in for every job I thought I qualified for. The calls came pouring in and I put my best foot forward, lying my ass off in an attempt to get hired as quickly as possible.
After a few weeks, I was able to get a job as a cocktail waitress at a strip club, but the first time a guy smacked my ass was the last time I came to work. My next employment adventure was at a small diner. That job lasted for less than a week too. The boss was such a nasty cunt I couldn't stand to be around her. She seemed to think her measly salary entitled her to talk to her employees like they were crap. I was standing for none of that.
Jack had called me a couple of times since discovering I had no intentions of coming back to work. He left messages saying he wanted to talk, but I never returned his calls. What was there to talk about? I couldn't stand to be around him anymore.
At the time, ignoring Jack's calls seemed like the wisest thing to do. Now, however, I was becoming desperate. A month had come and gone already, and Eric was beginning to drop hints that there were other ways for me to pay rent.
No, I chastised myself. I won't go crawling back. He'd have me right where he wanted me. How did Jack want me exactly though? Judging by the last night we had spent together, he didn't want me at all. The thought still hurt—even more of a reason not to return his calls.
It seemed like I had traded one bad situation for another, but it was too late to turn back. Jack's phone calls had stopped weeks ago, and I was sure I was long forgotten, replaced by a more willing blonde with perfect tits and spread legs. He was probably happier now that I was gone. And I was miserable.
After a while, it seemed like I had applied at every available job in New York City. The listings were beginning to repeat themselves, and I had lost hope.
One afternoon, Mandy offered to take me out to dinner. It was a nice change from the endless nights sitting at home in front of the television watching sports with Eric, though I felt bad that I couldn't afford to pay my share. What money I did have needed to be used for gas to get back and forth to job interviews.
“So, you've had no thoughts towards going back to Syngex?” Mandy asked, avoiding my eyes since she knew I wouldn't like the subject.
“No,” I sighed. “My position has probably been filled already anyway.”
“Probably, but it never hurts to try. As I recall, Jack Kemble seemed rather fond of you.”
Not fond enough, or else he would have taken me when I offered myself to him. Rejection was a bitter beast. “I don't think he was.”
“That note about the ball was pretty romantic. I wouldn't think he'd do something like that if he had just wanted to get you into bed.” She dipped a fry into ketchup.
“Jack has lots of money. I'm sure he's done more extravagant things to get women into bed with him.”
“He showed up at the apartment a few weeks ago. I about died when I opened the door. Good lord the man is attractive. I still don't understand why you didn't jump on that. I would have raped him if it wouldn't have landed me in jail.”
“Mandy!” My eyes widened at her, though I wasn't sure if it was because of what she had just said or because Jack had stopped by the apartment. “Why didn't you tell me he came by?”
“Because I didn't think you'd care. At any rate, it wasn't that long ago, so your job might still be there. That's why I think you should give him a call.”
“No. I absolutely refuse to go back,” I insisted, though it was a curious thing he had come looking for me so long after I had quit. “Did you tell him where I was?”
“No. I just told him you'd moved out. He asked if you had found another job, and I told him I didn't know. He also asked if you had your phone shut off.
I assumed that was because you weren't returning his calls.”
“It's weird he'd come by like that, almost stalkerish.”
“That's why I think there was something more there. Anyway, are you ever going to tell me what happened that made you want to quit. Eric told me you didn't stay out all night with him on Halloween.”
I felt bad. The night of Halloween when I had left the party, I told Eric I was going home. That hadn't been true though. At the last minute, I'd decided to make a detour to the Masked Ball. In all honesty, I hadn't expected Jack to still be there, but he had been, and everything went downhill. If I hadn't of shown up, things would be completely different now. It was sad how one drunken decision could ruin everything.
I tried to explain what happened as best I could, though recalling specifics made me cringe at myself. To say the least, I had been a bitch to Jack, showing nothing but displeasure from the moment I laid eyes on him. Most of my words throughout the night had been cynical or rude. Then when I offered myself to him . . .
“Maybe he just didn't want to take advantage of you while you were drunk,” Mandy suggested.
“He showed me his dungeon. I'm pretty sure he meant for us to have sex before I took off to his bedroom like a spoiled little brat.”
“It sounds like you might have just crossed his comfort zone. As you said, Jack Kemble isn't used to having women in his bed.”
“And he obviously didn't want me in it either.” My heart sank. It was all the proof I needed to know I was nothing special to Jack.
Mandy shrugged. “Well, it's over now. Forget about the past. Look forward to the future.”
“What's there to look forward to?” I huffed. Every day was spent stressing over the next. It wasn't a pleasant way to live.
Sensing my discontent, Mandy changed the subject, “So, how are things going with Eric?”
I took a deep breath. This was yet another topic I didn't really want to discuss. “I guess they're as good as can be expected. I haven't woken up with him on top of me, but a month has come and gone and I haven't paid rent so it's only a matter of time before he expects something more from me.”
