by Joanna Blake
“I am not!”
He tried to sit up, pushing the blankets aside. I rushed to his side.
“James! I’m just kidding. Here, let me help you.”
There as a little button to lift his head. I pressed it and he smiled at me as the bed folded into a lounge position. As soon as he was upright he tried to grab my boobs.
“Gimme.”
I stepped back again.
“Be serious James. You’re injured. They need to do tests.”
He shook his head.
“I’m fine. Nothing broken.”
Relief flooded me.
“Oh good. They wouldn’t tell me anything because we aren’t related. I was so worried.”
“I’m going to marry you. Then we’ll be related.”
“What?”
James was staring at me, his eyelids slowly drifting shut. He must have over exerted himself. I thought he was asleep until he said one more thing. His eyes opened to half mast as he grabbed my hand.
“Don’t you love me, Deanie?”
He sounded like a little boy again. I couldn’t resist him like this. Especially when what he was asking was the truth. I nodded and he smiled, his eyes drifting shut.
“You know I do.”
He fell asleep with a cute little smile on his lips. I knew it was the drugs talking. I hoped he wouldn’t remember that I’d admitted loving him. Or be embarrassed that he’d asked me to marry him when he had to explain that he hadn’t meant it.
One thing was for sure.
I knew that I would never forget how I felt in that moment.
Good. In a way I’d never felt before. From the inside out.
Even while I started to talk myself out of it.
It was dark out when I opened my eyes again. My head was on the hospital bed, by James’s thigh.
“Well, isn’t this cozy?”
I jerked upright, staring around the room. The lights were dim so it took me a minute to see him. There, standing in the corner was a man I recognized from TV. Some would say he was the most important man in the whole damn town.
Coach Adams was staring at me with a look of pure disdain.
“Let’s step outside, shall we?”
Chapter Seventeen
James
I blinked as I drifted in and out of consciousness. They’d given me something for the pain. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I flexed my hand gingerly. It still hurt. But I could use it.
Which meant I could play.
Nadine would be relieved. I knew she was worried.
I knew she felt responsible.
How silly was that? A woman blaming herself for her man taking care of her?
I smiled, remembering the look on her face when I’d told her I was going to marry her.
Disbelief. Then something else… happiness.
It looked good on her.
And then she’d admitted she loved me. I’d been waiting for that. Every time I took her. Every time I’d made her thrash around on my bed in ecstasy, I’d hoped.
Three little words.
Well, if I had to get beat up to hear them, that was alright with me.
“Nadine?”
It was bright daylight outside. There were people in the room, talking to me.
A doctor. Nurses. Coach Adams.
Where was Deanie?
“Deanie?”
“He’s been asking for her all day.”
I saw Coach Adams shake his head.
“Son, you are going to be alright. Don’t worry.”
“Where’s Nadine?”
“She… had to go. Now you just focus on resting up and getting better. It’s a good thing we have ten days before the next game. In the meantime, I have some news for you. Miami wants to talk drafting you early.”
I stared at him, uncomprehending. Something was wrong. Where was Nadine?
“Where is she?”
“You just relax James. I’ll give her a call, alright?”
I nodded, slumping back into the pillows. I barely heard Coach as he walked into the hallway with the doctors. The nurse leaned over me, injecting something into my IV line.
“That girl must have a grade A pussy to get him so riled up.”
“What should we tell him when he wakes up again?”
“Tell him she didn’t answer. She’s gone. I saw to that.”
I couldn’t process what they were saying. All I heard were those two little words.
The worst words I’d heard in my entire life.
She’s gone.
Nadine
You’re trash.
You’re garbage.
You’re holding him back.
You are destroying him.
Coach Adams words were echoing in my brain as I packed my few belongings into a duffle bag. It was one of the free team bags James had everywhere. He wouldn’t miss it.
The irony wasn’t lost on me.
If you care about that boy’s future at all, you will turn around and never look back.
That part, I knew was right. I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t said a word. But I’d nodded. And I’d left.
The last thing he’d said to me was to throw out my phone. He’d thrust a wad of cash into my fist for a bus ticket out of town. I’d dropped it on the ground, not even caring anymore.
I remembered my phone suddenly. It was the only way he would find me. The only way he’d be able to wear me down.
James has a real future. Not with some white trash little bitch dragging him down. Do him a favor and get lost.
I closed my eyes and tossed it into the kitchen garbage can. It hurt to do it but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to leave James. I didn’t want to think about never seeing him again.
But I knew Coach was right. It was my fault he’d gotten injured. And he didn’t need me.
Not really.
I remembered the drawer full of condoms upstairs. He’d gotten rid of them when I went on the pill. But he could get more.
He’d be out there man whoring it up in no time.
I shook my head, telling myself not to think about that. It was the past. James was the past. I had to forget him.
I had to cut him out of my heart.
I poured extra food into three bowls. There. That should last Honeysuckle at least a week.
I hated to leave her, but where I was going, nobody was safe.
I wouldn’t give anyone a chance to hurt her ever again. I knew in my heart, that James would look after her. Even if he didn’t love me, he had a good heart.
He’d make sure she was safe.
I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked out. I locked the door and slipped the key under the doormat. Then I turned back, taking one last look.
I’d been happy here.
But I’d been living a dream.
Now it was time to wake up.
Slowly, I walked through town towards the bus station. My mind started to work through the practicalities of what I was doing. I could maybe get my professors to give me extensions. Come back next year. Once he was gone.
Who was I kidding? Once I got on that bus it was over. I was never coming back again.
I was toast. I would turn into my mother after all. Or worse.
I stopped walking, staring into space.
I could stay and fight for him. I could prove his coach wrong. But that wouldn’t last anyway. Not once he was rich and famous. If he ever got there. There was a good chance that if I stayed, it wouldn’t work out for either of us. Or I could leave and make it easier for everyone.
Rip it off like a bandaid.
Let it bleed.
There was one thing for sure. I couldn’t stay in his place anymore. Coach Adams had made it abundantly clear that his housing was in jeopardy if I stayed. That the team could make things harder for him.
And impossible for me.
He’d told me that one more punch would have ended Jame’s career. Permanently.
And with a low rent skank like
me around, he was ‘sure to be getting into a lot of fights.’
I choked back a sob. I knew that’s what I looked like to him. I wasn’t special like Fitz. I wasn’t as talented. Lots of people could paint or draw. Not that many could play ball like he could.
Maybe it would all work out. Maybe I would find a job back home that paid enough for school. I could go local. Pay my way. Earn a degree after all. It could happen. It would take longer, sure. But it could be done.
I stepped up to the counter at the bus station.
My heart felt like it was being torn in two. I wanted to do nothing more than run to James, beg him to forgive me. To take me home and hold me all night. But I knew I couldn’t. Not now. Not after everything that had happened.
No matter what though, I’d never forget him.
Maybe we could meet again in another life.
It just wasn’t going to be this one.
Chapter Eighteen
James
I tapped my toes, finally standing on my own feet after three days in the hospital. A car was waiting for me to take me home. I’d only have long enough to pack and leave again.
I had shit to do. A meeting in Miami. But that was secondary to my primary goal: to find out where the hell my girlfriend was at.
Had she left me after all? That’s what Coach had said. The nurses too. They said she was gone. That’s all. No word. Even my texts were going unopened. Unread.
I shook my head. There was no way she’d just leave like that. She loved me.
She’d told me so.
I cursed. I needed to track her down but I had promised coach I would take this meeting. I climbed into the car, my brain trying to play catch up now that I was off my pain meds.
I stared blindly out the window. If It took the spot with Miami that meant not graduating. Or graduating on delay, with special tutors making sure I passed the last few classes remotely.
It could work. But not without her.
I raced into my townhouse, calling her name. I’d hoped that maybe, just maybe she was here. But the place was empty.
There were three half eaten bowls of cat food on the floor. So I knew she’d been here at least. I pulled out my phone, calling her again.
The cat was winding it’s way around my legs when I heard it.
Her phone.
It was coming from the garbage can.
That’s when it hit me. She really was gone. She’d left. Cut ties.
But why?
And what the fuck was I going to do about it?
I bent down to scratch the silly cat’s ears.
“Where’d she go, huh? Do you know?”
If she’d left the cat behind, that meant she was going someplace she couldn’t take her. That didn’t really narrow things down much though. I put out fresh food and water and then I packed. While I did, I made some calls.
I called the school and asked if they knew. I called BB Smiths. She’d quit with no notice apparently. The manager sounded worried though, not pissed off. I even called Coach to ask him one more time what her exact words had been.
He told me to ‘get my head in the game and forget her.’
I hung up, feeling vaguely uneasy about Coach’s part in all of this.
I got into the limo they’d sent to get me to the airpot and fly me to Miami. I rubbed my neck, trying to figure out what to do. Then I called a private detective.
No way was she getting away from me that easy. Not without answers. Not without giving me a chance to prove that I deserved her.
That we deserved a real chance.
She’d run away before. That was her MO. Well, this time I wasn’t letting her off the hook.
I pulled out my wallet. I had a picture in there, folded up. It was a crumpled doodle I’d found on the back of a magazine.
The sketch was a man in profile. He was bent forward, his head tilted. Watching something with a sardonic look on his face.
Proud. Unimpressed. Arrogant.
It was me.
I knew she loved me the moment I saw that thing. That’s why I kept it. Not only was she damn good at drawing but she’d captured something in it that was so real, so sad, that it pierced my heart.
Come back to me Deanie.
Nadine
The steps were creaky, feeling like they might collapse at any time. The old house looked about the same. A little bit worse for wear maybe.
If that was possible.
I pushed the door open and looked around. It looked like a tornado had hit it. A drunk, mean spirited tornado.
I was back.
“Hi Mom.”
She stared at me bleary eyed from the sofa. I’d almost missed her in all the junk. Her ugly old bathrobe was patterned, making her blend nicely with the surroundings.
Camouflage. That was smart around here.
“Where’s Steve?”
“Deanie!”
She moved surprisingly quick for a mean old drunk. She wrapped her arms around me, stronger than she looked. I could smell the reek of stale cigarets and malt liquor. I held perfectly still, waiting for the rare fit of motherly love to pass.
It always did.
“I thought you were dead girl! My girl, my beautiful baby!”
She grabbed my cheeks and I flinched. Her eyes were full of ecstatic glee. She looked high.
I wondered if she’d graduated from weed and booze and pills to something harder. Not that it made a difference. I just needed a place to stay for a little while.
I was already realizing this was a mistake. I should have just found a motel somewhere. Anywhere but here.
I’d been so broken that I’d actually thought this was a good idea.
Her hands were on my book bag, tugging at it.
“Whatchu got here?”
“Nothing. It’s mine.”
“How you afford all this? You whoring?”
I felt the bile rise in my throat. Of course that’s what she would think. Of course.
My own mother assumed I was a whore.
I shook my head.
“No mom. Can I stay here for a few weeks? Just till I figure out where to go?”
She stared at me blankly. Then I saw her wheels start to spin. What would Steve say? How could she get at my stuff? What was in it for her?
“Gotta ask Steve.”
I sighed.
“It’s your house Mom.”
“His now. See?”
She held up her finger. A cheap brass ring was on her left ring finger. Somehow, even though he’d chased her only child away, my mother had married the bastard she’d been living with all these years. I guess it didn’t matter. They were common law married anyway.
But somehow, it made everything seem worse.
“Okay mom. I’m going to lie down for a little bit. Is that okay?”
“Sure, sure. Go on up. Just like you left it.”
I walked up the stairs, wondering how low I could really slide. This was a place I’d sworn never to go back to. But it was the only place I knew would never turn me away.
If ‘Steve’ approved anyway.
I pushed open the door. My room was dusty and cluttered but intact. I closed the door. The lock was still there. Not that it did any good at keeping anyone out.
But I was bigger now. I could fight. Stand up for myself.
I didn’t need a lock.
Slowly I lowered myself to the bed and started to cry.
Not for this shitty place I’d grown up in. Not for myself. I cried for James.
He probably hated me for running out on him. What kind of person left someone they loved behind in a hospital. It was better if he hated me though.
Cleaner.
But it felt like I was being ripped in two.
When I woke up it was dark out. I could hear voices downstairs. They weren’t arguing though. They were just talking. Some loud music came on. I heard the familiar sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs.
The door flung open without a knock.
My stepfather stood there, leering at me drunkenly.
At least some things hadn’t changed.
“Well lookee here. Look what the cat dragged in.”
My mother’s face appeared over his shoulder. He glanced back at her, his tone changing.
“Welcome back sweetie! We sure are glad to see you.”
Steve toasted me with his open beer and headed back downstairs. My mom looked thrilled. She was beaming like Mother fucking Theresa. If she had a halo though, hers would be cheap neon. I could almost see it, flickering above her head.
In the darkness, smiling like that, I could see how pretty she’d been. Before the hard life and booze had taken it’s toll. I felt a spurt of pity for her.
“He said you could stay! I told you it’d be alright.”
She’d never told me any such thing. Still, I knew all the years of drinking had given her memories a warm and hazy glow. She didn’t really know what the hell she was talking about. But I didn’t want to be cruel.
“Thanks mom.”
She nodded happily and wandered off back downstairs. I knew I should get up, get something to eat, but I didn’t move. I doubted there was anything nutritious in the kitchen anyway. Unless you counted beer.
I was afraid to leave my room though, for more than one reason.
I knew they would try to steal my shit as soon as I left it alone. I decided to get a locker at the Y. I could use the computer there. Look for a job.
I could do this. I’d start tomorrow.
Maybe I’d find something on the other side of the earth.
Chapter Nineteen
James
“We think you’d make a great addition to the team.”
“The season’s halfway over. Is this for next year?”
He shook his head.
“We need new blood now. That and we want to grab you before the draft.”
I smiled. I liked the head manager of the Dolphins. He was a straight shooter with a great reputation. The head coach was there too. This was not a casual meeting. They really wanted me to sign with them.
“Second tier?”
“No James, we want you to start.”
I was blown away. Starting quarterback? Right out of the gate?
