by Kamy Chetty
“You fix things. Whether it’s software or hardware, same thing. Fix me.” Her eyes closed. The pulse against his palm fluttered and was lost.
“Kieran, she’s not breathing.” Latha rolled her onto her side and started assessing her airway. “We need to resuscitate her.”
He sat on his haunches. He had no place here. He was useless. The air refused to move past his throat. He couldn’t move a muscle. He was failing Ash. If he failed her, she would die. Yet he still couldn’t move.
Rohan shoved him and he fell back. “What is wrong with you? She is a general doctor and I am a military man. Two hours ago she was all you could think of. No one dies on my watch. Not again. You promised you could handle this.”
If he picked himself up, he’d have to help. The very thing that stopped him from taking his next breath or swallowing was the thought of a life without the woman before him. His throat was filled with the mud that surrounded them. He heard Latha count out the chest compressions to thirty. Each time Latha pushed on her chest, more blood oozed.
He did the only thing he could think of. He stuck his finger into the small hole on her abdomen. He usually had gloves on and he would treat her with antibiotics, but this was life and death. His focus was on the now and the fact that the ambulance had to be close.
Ash’s insides felt different. He searched his memory banks for the different layers he was feeling. For the fault he was looking for. He was a fixer. He was here to fix. Latha was controlling the outside, the airway and breathing and he was here to fix the bleeding. The circulation.
Flashes of trying to fix Johnny kept invading his thoughts. The more he looked for answers, the brighter the images became. His breathing slowed and he focused on the figure on the beach. He could see that yoga pose and those loose-fit pants.
Inside his finger tracked the hole and he could feel the layers of the skin. He felt the vein and just when he thought he would lose hope, he felt a little rivulet of blood from a torn vessel. This had to be the cause of her bleeding, which meant she was losing blood and her blood pressure was dropping. Nothing they did would help, if they didn’t fix it.
“Well?” Rohan’s ice-like gaze found his.
“Ruptured vessel. She needs surgery. Now.” He watched as Rohan and Latha swapped places and continued CPR.
Latha looked in the medical kit and threw him a suture kit and gloves. “That might have to do.”
She also handed him hand gel. “I―” If he said—I’m not sure I can do this—then he was admitting defeat before he started and that was not something Ash would have done.
Her skin was now grey and her lips were a lighter shade of blue. The CPR was working. He could list ten things wrong with doing bush surgery. He could list a hundred things that could go wrong and as for post-operative complications, that list could be endless.
“Are you ready?” Latha cleared an area next to Ash and laid out the suture pack. She pulled a flashlight from Rohan’s belt and held it so that Kieran would be able to see.
Every reason he couldn’t do this was dissipating. He squeezed Ash’s hand lightly and then flipped open the cap of the gel bottle. As the antimicrobial liquid fell into the palm of his hand the scent of antiseptic and clean grounded his thoughts. Transported him to a place where he was able to visualise an outcome he could wake up in the morning with.
*****
The first time Ash had a panic attack was when she was ten years old. She hadn’t even known what a panic attack was. The doctor had told her aunt it had to do with the death of her parents. Those nightmares faded in time, but sometimes she still woke up in a sweat, screaming in the dark.
Someone was shaking her. She could feel hands clutching her shoulders, so tight, it hurt. A voice sounded far away. He said her name over and over. The more he said it, the softer the sound became. She sighed and drifted off. This couldn’t be the car or the hole. It couldn’t be anything, because the smell was different. Pine needles and Kieran. She knew she was smiling.
It was peaceful. Ash was on the beach in Goa. She was lying on the sand with her arms splayed out, relaxing like she often did. The sand was grainy and warm. The scent of pine needles and sea salt made her feel safe and free. Free like a bird to soar high in the sky. It was weird because there usually weren’t pine needles on the beach.
“Ash, are you awake?” she knew that voice. That voice was a nice voice. A safe voice.
Her eyelids felt weighed by something heavy but she tried to pry them open anyway. She wanted to see that face again. She had to see that face. Did that face come with a tie? Laughter bubbled inside her but it hurt. Everywhere. Her chest and her throat, her sides most of all. Tiredness oozed from her pores. “Kieran, what are you doing on my beach?” When did she turn into a frog?
She saw relief in his eyes. “You’re awake. I was so scared I was never going to see those eyes again. Don’t you ever do that to me again.”
Why did it hurt so much? Everywhere. The shot, she remembered that, but it hit her in the stomach. Her hand moved and instant pain. “Why am I in so much pain?”
He turned away and she saw his shoulders hunch forward. What did he feel guilty about this time? “You were shot and lost consciousness. We had to do some surgery.”
Everything was a blur. The stark white walls made the flash of pain behind her eyes worse. It still didn’t explain the raw feeling in her throat or the feeling of having been run over by a bus. The small task of lifting her head off the pillow was a failure.
“Don’t try and move.” Kieran helped straighten her pillows. “You are on some strong drugs and you lost a lot of blood.”
When her eyes closed she remembered nothing of the incident that brought her here except the loud sound and screaming. Fear, she remembered that. Lots of fear and pain. Then darkness. She also remembered her mother. Her cheeks felt hot and wet.
“Do you need more morphine?” Kieran’s fingers were stroking her cheek.
Did it have to hurt so much to swallow? Her eyes slowly opened and she gazed up at him. He looked nothing like the businessman she was used to. He was still dressed in the khaki coloured camouflage outfit she had seen him in when that tarpaulin had come off at the gravesite. She shook her head and then realised how much that hurt.
He took ice from the cup next to her bed and slid it over her lips. The entire time his fingers touched the outline of her lips, he focused on his task and not once did he meet her gaze. She opened her mouth and sucked the droplets of water that fell onto her lips and once or twice his fingers touched her tongue. She watched him swallow, saw him pause and take a breath. Those were the only signs he showed that she affected him on a physical level.
As much as it gave her hope, it also made her realise that with Kieran, he was always going to put up these walls that would keep her away. She could tell by his unshaven face that he hadn’t left her side. Was it because he was playing the dutiful husband-to-be or was it because he cared for her? Her head hurt from thinking too much about the possibilities or the lack of it.
Her gaze went to the window behind him and saw darkness descent.
“You called my aunt?” Betrayal coated her voice as she gripped the sides of the bed.
Kieran left the ice back in the cup and leaned back. “I had to. I didn’t know if you were going to live. She is your next of kin.”
Yes, that she was. The only guardian she had known since a very young age but that didn’t mean she wanted to be found. She watched as her aunt’s steps quickened when she saw her through the glass. All those years trying to find herself and still she was no closer to the truth than before.
Kieran pushed his chair back and leaned forward. “She was really worried about you. You hadn’t spoken to her in a while.”
Even before he could say the words she knew what he was thinking. The relationship with her aunt was different from the one he had with his mother. He would never understand the dynamics. She would never be able to explain the relationship.
> His hands rubbed at the tired lines on his face. “You need to rest. You look like you haven’t slept in a while.”
He smiled. “These chairs are more comfortable than they look.”
There was a light knock on the door before it opened. Sushi Dutt made an entrance into the room befitting the queenly status she was used to. As an ex-beauty queen herself, she was well known in many circles and treated like royalty.
Kieran stood and not sure whether it was the effects of the drugs or loss of blood, Ash was sure he bowed. Her aunt swept past him and came to the bed to stand next to her.
“Ash, what have you done now? You were shot by drug dealers and almost killed. Are you a drug dealer or drug user? Whatever it is, we can fix it. It is time to come home and take your rightful place.”
Ash took a deep breath. There was no stopping her aunt when she was this worked up. “Didi, this is not what you think.”
Kieran’s gaze went from one to the other. “Didi?” Sister?
There had to be someone standing behind her twisting a knife into her skull because the pain refused to settle. “I’ve always called her elder sister because she was never old enough to be my mother.” Or my aunt. Ash tried to lift herself up, but again each move she made hurt every part of her body. Maybe there was a bus that ran over her and she was not told.
Sushi’s gaze went from Kieran to Ash before she looked around the room.
She wasn’t sure when Kieran came to stand next to her, or when his arm wrapped around her shoulder. All she heard was a gasp from her aunt.
“Miss Dutt, I’m Kieran Kanna. Pleased to meet you,” he said extending his hand to her aunt.
It wasn’t often her aunt was at a loss for words but after giving Kieran the once over she cautiously shook his hand and angled her gaze on Ash. “Hello.”
“Didi, Kieran saved my life.” Her hand found itself clutched in his and she wasn’t sure she was ready to let go.
Sushi watched them both before that brief nod Ash had come to know so well.
“Well thank you Mr Kanna for your efforts. You can leave now. We can take it from here and make sure Ash is taken care of.” She turned to the seat Kieran had vacated and pulled it forward. She took her time to sit and then crossed her leg at the knee before casting her narrowed gaze at the pair of them.
Kieran’s hold tightened. “We?”
Even before she said her next words Ash knew the world as she knew it was about to come apart all around her. Her fingers squeezed Kieran’s weakly in an unspoken apology.
This was a business deal and in no way real for him. His gaze found hers and she saw the confusion and the question. She wasn’t sure if he saw her mouth—I’m sorry.
“Alok is parking the car. He shouldn’t be too long.” Sushi smiled. The dismissive gaze was cunning and clearly screamed, you-may-leave-now. “Alok is Ash’s future husband. Their marriage has been arranged for some time now.”
Chapter Eight
Those words kept replaying in his mind. Their marriage has been arranged for some time now. Kieran couldn’t leave that room fast enough. Not even the soft sound of Ash’s plea to stay could stop him moving towards the door and the exit sign.
The lack of a tie didn’t stop him from pulling at his collar and dragging long painful breaths. How could she be marrying someone else? His clenched fist rubbed against the sore spot on his chest. Could she have been that good an actress?
He pushed open the glass door with such force he was shocked it didn’t break as it swung back into place. His gaze roamed around the large car park. Who is he? Which of the men walking up to the hospital was Alok?
His fingers combed through his hair as he walked towards his car. Arranged marriage? It didn’t make sense when it came to a free spirit like Ash. But it made even less sense for him to have feelings for someone he barely knew.
His shoulders dropped and he relaxed his arms and uncurled his fists. This was an arrangement. Ash was nothing more than a pretend bride-to-be. Nothing more. Inside his chest, he felt something snapped. His chin dropped.
Then why was his world suddenly smaller?
It took him a full minute before he realised he was frozen still. He looked down at his watch. With all the time he’d been spending with Ash, his responsibilities at the clinic had lapsed. He glanced back at the hospital. For Ash, he’d let his billion-dollar company lapse. Or he would have. Until now.
Three hours later he was showered, shaved and already seeing his second patient out the clinic door. Jess handed him the next patient file and his coffee. He wrapped his hand around the lukewarm mug. Ash hadn’t passed on her secret to a good cup of coffee to the rest of the staff.
“You have some time between patients, Kieran, take your coffee into the staffroom and relax.” Jessie said taking her seat behind the reception desk.
Why could no one understand that he didn’t want to be here playing doctor when this place reminded him of a green-eyed wench? Every part of this place was ingrained with some part of her essence and how she changed his life.
“How’s Ash?” Latha came and stood next to him, she spotted his coffee and smiled. “Great idea, I need a break too. Let’s have a quick ten minutes and you can tell me about Ash and how her recovery is going.”
Giving him no choice, like she would when they were younger, she pulled his arm and tugged him towards the staffroom. “So I hear she’s awake and doing well.”
His shoulders dropped back. There was no way he was going to be able to avoid this. “Yes, she’s awake. Her aunt and fiancé are with her.”
Latha opened the fridge and poured milk into her coffee. “Maybe I should go and rescue her after my shift. She will be in hell.”
He shrugged trying to feel the same empathy for the person he thought he knew. “I am sure Alok will keep her entertained.”
This time Latha whipped around and gave him a jaundiced look that reminded him of the really-Kieran looks he got from Ash. “What?”
“Men are such idiots sometimes.” Latha sat next to him and stirred the sugar into her coffee.
“Says the qualified doctor who thought it would be a good idea to get mixed up with drug dealers.” If someone wrote a manual, which was a step-by-step guide to figuring out woman, they’d become a billionaire in their own right.
Latha lifted her chin and for the first time he saw her pain. “The day Johnny died, I lost the man I loved and my best friend. One maybe I could handle, but both―”
Kieran shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He was so wrong to flee because he couldn’t handle the stress and he owed her an apology for that. “I shouldn’t have left you. I’m sorry.”
Latha placed her hand over his. “We were young and hurting. We did stupid things. We’re not young or stupid anymore though.”
Kieran met her gaze and his throat closed. He knew the conversation had changed and she wasn’t talking about them anymore, but she didn’t understand anything. How could she? She hadn’t been here for the last few weeks. She didn’t know what his life was like. “Some things can’t be changed.”
She sighed and took her hand away. “Can they not, Kieran?”
*****
Ash hadn’t seen him in days, but she could swear that she dreamed about him every night. He’d be in her room. She knew it like she knew she was able to walk down a walkway without tripping on high-heeled shoes. Knew it like her heart was able to pump blood through her veins. It had to be because each night, she’d wake and there would be the faint scent of pine needles in the air. She knew it wasn’t the ghost of her dream. Kieran was always near.
At least she hoped.
She had to keep hope because her aunt was now on a mission. As soon as she was recovered, she was to be married. In three months to be exact. Sushi had gone to see the priest and they were looking at the next auspicious date. The day when the moon and stars align and Alok and she could be together forever. It was out of her hands now. It was up to the stars.
The large
full moon reminded her of the white plate her aunt chose for their wedding reception. It left a dark shadow in the room that otherwise had a perfect view of the moon and stars that were deciding her destiny.
A tentative knock on the door brought hope. Maybe Kieran finally understood and came to visit. When she turned to see Julie Kanna, she blew a deep breath. She straightened her spine. If only she’d give me a chance, I’m sure I can be as good as Latha. With a lot of effort and pain she sat up straighter, and tried to smile. “Mrs Kanna, come in please.”
Julie Kanna cautiously entered and then her gaze roamed the room. “Are they giving you something for the pain?”
Ash tucked her hair behind her ear. Did she really look that bad? “Yes, but it still hurts. They also tell me the bruising is from them trying to keep me alive before they got me to hospital and it will fade. So it must look worse than it is.”
Julie nodded and bowed her head. “I’m sorry for all the distress our family has caused you. Kieran has explained everything to us. You were very kind to agree to do what you did for my husband. I behaved badly. I am sorry.”
Ash shook her head. “Please Mrs Kanna, don’t apologise. Kieran’s father reminds me of my own father. I am glad he had the operation and I hope everything works out.”
Julie turned to leave but then stopped. “I was wrong about you. My son saw the good in you. I think he cares for you. I know you are already spoken for and I am sorry about that. I haven’t seen that sparkle in my son’s eyes in a long―” She took her pallu and wiped her tears. “Actually, I’ve never seen a sparkle in my son’s eyes. He was always reserved. I am not sure he ever fell in love.”
Ash sat up straighter hoping this wasn’t a dream. “I don’t understand.”
Julie took her hand. “Sometimes mother’s don’t always know best. I know I cannot ask you to change your mind about this marriage. My son tells me it has been planned for a while, so you must have come to love him. That’s how it works.” She turned to leave. “Take care.”
