Arranged by the Stars

by Kamy Chetty

  When he pulled away, she moaned her disappointment. “Why did you stop?”

  His breathing was ragged as he set her on the floor and pushed her away. His eyes took on a glassy look.

  Her eyes darkened and she rubbed her arms for warmth. “Kieran, why did you stop?” she repeated.

  He bent his head. “I can’t do this. Why don’t you ask me again in two weeks?”

  Chapter Nine

  Kieran watched Ash wave goodbye to the old couple he’d seen at the clinic and what he felt was a part of him heal. He wasn’t sure there was any other way to explain it, but where there was a hole, there was now relief.

  Latha came to stand next to him and she placed the chart on the desk in front of him. “She has a way with people, doesn’t she?”

  He swallowed past the lump in his throat and turned to her. He couldn’t disagree. Ash did have a way with people but that wasn’t all. He had fallen in love with her and she was never his to fall in love with. Knowing that, hurt. It pulled at things he didn’t want to face.

  Latha smiled and lowered her chin. “I never thanked you properly for everything you did for me. The rescue, the chance to come back and work here―” She wiped away a tear.

  Kieran thought of Johnny and his broken promise to him. He’d failed his friend and yet Latha thanked him. His throat hurt. His head felt like lead as he shook it slowly from side to side. “Latha, we’re family.”

  She nodded and straightened as Ash joined them. “Mr and Mrs Singh are going on a cruise for their fiftieth anniversary.”

  Kieran watched the excitement light up her eyes and wondered if she would be that excited when it was her anniversary to Alok. “Maybe you should organise a cruise for your honeymoon?” The light in her eyes went out. The moment he said it, he knew it was mean and uncalled for. She hadn’t spoken to him since this morning.

  Latha elbowed him in the ribs and he rubbed at the spot refusing to apologise. He hurt. Drawing in a shaky breath he turned to Jessie. “Send in my next patient, Jess. I’ll also have my coffee, thank you.”

  He knew Ash was watching him. He intentionally didn’t turn to see if there was any lurking darkness misting her gaze. If she was upset that he didn’t ask her to bring in his coffee as usual then tough. It was time she got used to him living his life without her there.

  Moments later he tried to concentrate on what the lady in front of him was saying but each word she said, came out as a garbled thought. What made it worse was the three other children running around the small consult room, and a crying baby in the woman’s arms. Kieran took the baby from the mother and placed him on the examination table.

  Turned his head from side to side to release the tension from his neck as he assessed the five-month-old baby squirming on the bed.

  Babies made him uncomfortable. During his paediatric rotation he would have to recite the alphabet backwards to keep calm, because he always got flustered and lost his train of thought. Johnny thought it was hilarious. Johnny would of course. He was going to be a Paediatrician.

  “Mrs―” He tried to think what came before Q. He’d treated babies before but today was different. This morning had his mind scrambled and he was out of his depth. What was real for him was that he was losing Ash.

  The child gave another hearty cry and he focused on the mother. “Mrs Rita, how long since he had this redness on his back?”

  The middle aged woman who had her hands full handing out snacks to the three other children in the room tried to concentrate on his question. “It has been on and off for a month now. I am not sure what caused―” she stopped talking to him and went to the other children, and pulled the middle child away from his desk. “No Sunil, you can’t touch that. Shaks, can you mind him?”

  She came back to Kieran and apologised. “It comes and goes. All over his body.”

  The rash was a fine redness all across his trunk. When one of the children dropped a stack of books on the floor, Rita went to sort the children again and Kieran was left with a screaming infant while reciting the alphabet backwards.

  With a hand on the baby, the letter G emblazoned in his mind, the door opened and Ash walked in. Kieran swore time froze long enough for him to see everything else fade away, but the beauty that walked into the chaotic room.

  She paused at the door and looked around. Placing the coffee on a high surface her gaze went to the three little boys and the mother struggling to keep her attention on the child being assessed and the distraction of her children. “What do we have here? How about I take these little monkeys and play a game with them and you help the doctor over there?”

  Rita took a step back and narrowed her gaze. Kieran could guess what the mother was thinking, it was the same thing he’d done many times before. Underestimating Ash was wrong, but when someone was as breathtaking as her, it was hard not to do.

  “Rita, Ash is a lot tougher than she looks. She will be able to handle those boys.” Kieran turned his attention back to the baby who was now looking around for something to chew on.

  Rita still didn’t look convinced but Ash was already putting the books back on the shelves and giving the boys scrap pieces of paper and pens to draw with. She took one last look at her sons and then went back to Kieran.

  “Is there anything different you’ve been feeding the baby?” he asked when he had the mother’s attention.

  She placed her hand on the child who was now gazing up at her. “I can’t afford any food. I’ve been breastfeeding.” She bent down to kiss the baby’s head. “This isn’t because I haven’t been feeding him properly, is it?”

  Kieran looked at the healthy child and shook his head. “No. Your baby is healthy and growing well. This is not a feeding issue. You can introduce solids at six months so it is nothing you’re doing. He looks like a happy baby—you have nothing to worry about. Breastfeeding is good for the babies.”

  Rita glanced over to her boys who were fascinated by the drawing Ash was doing. “So what is making my baby sick?”

  Kieran rubbed his finger over the rash. “Is there anything different that you’ve been doing recently? Anything you’ve changed. It could even be something you’ve eaten.”

  Rita shook her head. “There is nothing I can think of.”

  Scratching his head, Kieran looked around. His head hurt. There could be endless possibilities of what this could be. That’s why he always preferred surgery. It was always a quick fix. You see a problem, go in and fix it. No guessing or messing around with the ‘what ifs’. Why Johnny would want a job like this was beyond him.

  “So you don’t know how to help my baby?” Rita picked up her son.

  It wasn’t a moment of panic that Kieran felt. Neither was it a wave or a passing feeling. It was a feeling that kept on coming at him, like he was being hit over and over again with a steel frying pan. He stepped back. He didn’t even know why he did it. There was nothing, physical stalking him. It just felt like there was someone behind him holding a knife, asking him for answers he didn’t have. Then he looked at the baby squirming again as the singlet fell on his skin.

  “Have you been using any new baby products? Any new soaps or washing powders?” He lifted the singlet and took one last look at the rash. Now that he saw the rash in better light, it did look like contact dermatitis.

  Rita watched her other children for a moment and then sighed. “I’ve been buying a cheaper brand of soap to wash the clothes. My husband lost his job and he’s been working part time cleaning tables at that new hotel that opened up nearby, when they have work for him. It’s not often but we do have children to feed.”

  Kieran watched the children play with Ash and only then did he notice the state of their clothes. It would have hurt her to do it, so soon after her injuries, but Ash was sitting on the floor cross-legged playing with the children.

  How was it possible for him not to notice the world he lived in and the people in it? Yet Ash was so comfortable in any situation. Did losing Johnny leave him living i
n vacuum?

  Rita rocked her son in her arms. “I’ve caused this, haven’t I?”

  He turned to her, and shook his head. “No. You’re doing the best you can for your children.”

  Half an hour later he watched Rita walk out the clinic with a fistful of shopping vouchers and an application form for her husband. Ash handed him a fresh mug of coffee. “That’s a nice thing you did for them.”

  He thanked her for the coffee and when he made a move to leave she stopped him. “The clinic needed a grounds keeper.”

  She shook her head. “Really? And those shopping vouchers just appeared when Jessie went to purchase them?”

  He shifted his weight from one foot to the other trying to escape Ash’s intense gaze. “Shouldn’t there be some filing you should be doing?”

  She laughed. “All done.”

  He looked around the empty waiting room, then at the clock. It was almost lunchtime and there was only one way to change the subject. “Lunch?”

  Knowing most of his ploys she took his mug and placed it on the desk. “Coffee will have to wait. See you later Jess.” Tugging his arm she marched him out the door. “You are a worry Dr Kanna. If I don’t keep an eye on you, you might become someone I can marry for real.”

  He paused. She stopped and turned to face him.

  “Kieran?”

  He knew it took fewer muscles to smile but it hurt. “Let’s go this way. I want to show you something.”

  She tucked her arm into his as her eyes grew wistful. “Do you think I’ll come to Goa again?”

  It was an unusual question. “I don’t know. Maybe you will. Does Alok travel much?”

  Ash was quiet. “No, he doesn’t. He is what you would call a homebody.” Kieran felt her stiffen against him.

  “A homebody? What is that?”

  Her gaze roamed around the street. It was a beautiful day and the street was full of people and colour. He could see her take in the culture and she had that look of longing again. “He likes quiet and to be at home a lot. He doesn’t like entertaining or people too much.”

  This time Kieran laughed. “He’s like me.”

  Ash stopped and whipped around so fast he almost had to hold onto her to stop her from falling. “Oh no, he’s nothing like you. You think you’re not a people person, but deep down you care. You have an amazing heart and you’re the nicest person I know.”

  This time it was Kieran who stepped back. She didn’t know him at all. She had this idolised version of him. “You’re wrong.”

  Ash pushed her hair back. “Alok is an accountant and he spends his days looking at books and numbers. Computer screens. He doesn’t like people. He’s awkward around them. I know what my life with him is going to be like and I am okay with it.”

  So why?

  He put his hands in his pockets and started walking again until they came to the freshly painted building with the red roof.

  Ash stood outside and read the black writing. Riya Shelter for Women and Children in Need.

  Her gaze met his and he waited for her to say something. Anything that would take away this uncomfortable silence.

  “When did you do this?” she asked.

  “That night you came back to the clinic to tell me Sara was better. If you hadn’t come back, they wouldn’t have taken you and you’d never have been shot.” How could he tell her the hell he went through without letting her know how he felt?

  She walked towards the building and touched the red paint. “Riya? That’s for me.”

  “Now you have a reason to come back to Goa.” He waited for her to agree. Instead she gave him a sad smile and opened the door.

  He knew the inside wasn’t anything impressive. It was simple but functional. That’s all they needed. The nights he couldn’t sleep, he’d spent planning this shelter. A place for Sara and Shelley to come to when he knew Ash wouldn’t be there to take care of the child.

  “You surprise me.” Ash looked around the comfortable room and the modest furnishings. She went to the far corner of what served as the dining area and found the small portrait of her parents.

  He expected the tears, but not the look of sorrow. He’d made a copy of the photograph she carried with her and had it hung in the building in their honour. He knew it would mean more than naming the building after her. “You don’t like it?”

  *****

  He asked her an impossible question. In all her years, no one had done anything just for her. All her life she’d lived a borrowed life, on borrowed time, knowing that she’d have to give it back. Nothing was ever hers. Her aunt had made sure she knew that everything she had was due to her beauty and it would fade if she didn’t secure it.

  She lived her life knowing that if she didn’t seal her fate by marrying the right kind of man, she would have no future. She had no education to fall back on. Her life was spent polishing beauty crowns and walking down walkways smiling and waving her youth away.

  Kieran took his hands out of his pockets and walked around the dining room. He looked at the portrait. “If you don’t like it, we can take it down.”

  “It’s perfect. I didn’t know―” There were no words to tell him how she felt. “I’m surprised, that’s all.” The place was filled with laughter and life. She walked through the halls and went into the back that led into the yard. In the distance she saw Sara and Shelley.

  “Shelley has a job at the local supermarket. Sara is taken care of here during the day while she works.” Kieran stood behind her.

  Ash watched the other mothers and their children play. “There are so many families here.”

  Kieran nodded. “The Riya House has become very popular. I have made plans to buy the land next door and we will extend.”

  Ash folded her arms across her chest and felt a shiver travel down her spine. “Why would you spend all this time and effort on this project?”

  She watched him gaze down at the floor. She followed his gaze wondering what the fascination was. “It was important for you to help Sara.”

  It took a few steps to reach him and when she was right next to him, he refused to meet her gaze. “Kieran?”

  Her finger tipped his chin up. His whiskey gaze heated and she felt her bones turn to mush. There was no way she was equipped to handle a man like Kieran. He left her spineless with such little effort. Her finger traced the edge of his lips.

  “This would be so much easier if I was that waitress and you were my customer.” Her heart was tapping against her chest like a supercharged woodpecker.

  “But we’re not.” He turned. “It’s impossible.”

  Ash placed her palm on his cheek. Absolutely impossible. So complicated.

  Kieran lowered his head until his lips were inches away from hers. “You could always stop the marriage. Marry me instead.”

  He’d finally said the words she wanted to hear and yet, it didn’t soothe her heart. She thought it would. Why? When she swallowed, it felt gritty and sore.

  Lifting her gaze to meet his, she couldn’t ask him if he meant it, because she knew in his own way he did mean it. But there was something that wasn’t right in the way he said it.

  His hand felt so warm, so right as he brought her head closer. His lips brushed across hers. She sighed as he opened his mouth against hers and his tongue caressed hers. As wrong as it was to let these sinful thoughts take over her mind, she couldn’t stop the heat or the desire from flowing through her. She dragged him closer and opened her mouth wider, knowing this might be the last time she kissed him with such abandon. Her nails scraped against the skin of his chest and she heard him gasp.

  When she felt him twitch against her, she knew it was too late to recall the emotions she’d let out and she ground her hip into his groin, pulling him closer.

  Like before, it was him who pulled away and only then did she realise that they were in public and although they weren’t in full view of anyone, Ash knew the risks of being seen in such a compromising position.

  “I’m s
orry,” he straightened his shirt.

  She shook her head. He had nothing to be sorry for. She pushed the limits. “No, I’m sorry. I behaved badly.”

  He had that look about him again. That lost schoolboy look, the one he had when she had him help her tie her sari. “So will you marry me? I can give you security too. You’d never have to work a day in your life. You can bring me coffee if you want. Every day.”

  Ash stood in front of the man she was falling in love with, the man who was asking her to spend a lifetime with him. He offered her security, something she spent her life thinking she needed, because that was what she was told. She looked around the development he’d established in her name. In her parents’ honour.

  Everything should have been perfect. Absolutely perfect. But it wasn’t. Because not once did Ash ask herself, what did she want. She’d spent a lifetime of people telling her what she’d needed. What she believed she’d wanted that not once, did she stop to think, what she wanted. At the beauty pageants they ask, what do you want to accomplish if you become queen? You learn from a young age the expected answer is. World peace, or figure out how to reverse the effects of global warming. Those were things she’d been schooled to answer. But if someone asked, what do you want to do with your life? That was not something she could answer easily.

  Ash had never played with dolls or baking ovens. She didn’t have a five-year plan or any ambitious goals to take over the Country. So Kieran’s offer would be perfect. Wouldn’t it?

  So why was her instinct to run? Run as fast, and as far away as she could. He screamed her name, and she didn’t stop.

  Instead she ran.

  Chapter Ten

  Six Months Later.

  “Are you sure this is the right way to do this?” Ash asked the tutor who supervised her. The digital thermometer had beeped three times but the reading didn’t look right. She turned to Mrs Culver and then to the chart. Her nose twitched. Someone should have warned her studying was hard. Especially when the students looked like they should be carrying blankies around.