by Allie Gail
Oddly enough, even after spending hours rehearsing explanations in my head, I couldn’t decide what I should say. I simply pulled myself up and watched him. After a moment’s hesitation he came over to sit beside me, leaning forward with his arms propped across his knees, staring at the floor. The thick scent of something resembling hickory reached me and I realized that his clothes smelled strongly of wood smoke, the pleasant aroma that tends to linger in the frigid air when everyone who has a fireplace is taking full advantage. I wanted to bury my face in his chest, I was so glad to see him.
When he didn’t speak I asked softly, “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
He shook his head slightly. “Didn’t have it on me.”
Oh. Well, good to know he wasn’t deliberately ignoring me. “Where have you been? I was worried.”
His face turned toward me just enough that his eyes finally met mine, and even with the lack of light I could tell that they were bleary and red. I hoped he hadn’t been off someplace getting wasted. Instead of responding to my question, he posed one of his own. “Just answer one thing for me, Sara. Was it really only the one time?”
“Was it really - God, Rob, it wasn’t one time, it was never! I never slept with Riley! How could you even think that was true? I only told my dad that because he found one of your condom wrappers in my room! I just made that story up to cover your ass! It never happened! I swear on my life, it didn’t happen - I would never do that to you…don’t you know that?”
He stared at me in stunned silence. Apparently he really had believed I’d cheated on him with Riley. And why not? He heard the confession with his own ears, straight from the source. No matter how much I cursed myself, it wasn’t enough. Hurting him was the last thing I’d ever intended to do and yet I’d easily managed it without even meaning to. With a few thoughtless, careless words.
Turning his head abruptly, he buried his face in both hands and sat motionless, elbows propped on his knees with his fingers covering the bloodshot eyes. I didn’t know what to do or say. The thought of how deep I must have cut him made me feel physically ill. I loved him. God, how I loved him - and whatever pain he was feeling, I felt as well. I didn’t think I could handle it if I knew he was crying. Especially when I was the cause of it.
“Rob…?” I whispered anxiously.
He spoke in a muffled voice through his hands. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”
“Oh, baby…” My arms instinctively found their way around him. “I’m so sorry. I just didn’t want my dad to blame you. It was a stupid thing to do, I know…”
He grabbed me suddenly, pulling me against him in a crushing hug that emptied me of what little breath I had. “I don’t need you to try and protect me. Goddammit, Sara…” Releasing me just enough to hold me at arm’s length, he searched my eyes with his own glassy red ones. Yes, there were tears there. I hated myself for that. “You really made it up? There was never anything between you and…him?”
“Of course not! I can’t even stand him - I assumed you knew that. I don’t know why I used his name. I was just put on the spot, you know, and it was -”
He cut me off with a shake of his head. “That’s all I needed to know.” His arms brought me in again, more gently this time and I felt his chest heave as he sighed deeply. “That’s all that matters.”
Just like magic, all was right with the world once more. Resting my head on his shoulder, I nuzzled his neck reverently. “You smell like smoke.”
Instead of offering an explanation, he just said, “Sorry. I should go change.”
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It smells kind of nice.”
“Mm. Fire is…it’s therapeutic.”
“I would think you’d be afraid of it. After what happened. You might have been in that house too, you know.”
“But I wasn’t.”
“Thank God you weren’t.” I snuggled into him, needing to comfort him and be comforted at the same time. “I can’t imagine not having you around. Speaking of which, I was worried sick about you tonight. Where were you?”
“Nowhere important. I just wanted to be by myself for a while.”
I furrowed my brow at his vague response, but decided to just let it go. “I’m so glad you’re back. I was afraid you hated me.”
“Hated you? Sweetheart, no matter what you did I could never, ever hate you.” His jaw tightened obstinately. “Riley, on the other hand…”
Uh-oh. It never occurred to me that he might go looking for a fight. “You didn’t do anything crazy, did you?”
“Define crazy.”
“Rob…!”
“It’s such a subjective word…”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing he won’t eventually recover from.”
My eyes widened as visions of policemen showing up at our door invaded my runaway imagination. “Oh, fuck…”
“You look concerned. Is it me you’re worried about? Or him?”
“You better be joking!”
The corners of his mouth began to lift. “Chill out, I’m just messing with you. I didn’t do anything. Although I will say it is a very good thing for him he didn’t happen to cross my path last night.”
“I bet.”
“What happened with your dad? Did he ream you?”
“Kind of. Although he didn’t really spaz out until Riley’s name came up. Somehow I get the feeling he’s not too popular with the men in this house.”
“You got that right.” One hand reached around to gently massage the back of my neck. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that by yourself. And when it was all my fault, too. I should have been more careful.”
“It wasn’t your fault…”
“If it’s any consolation, I was punished for it. You have no idea the hell I went through tonight. Picturing you with him…”
“Don’t. Please, Rob.”
“Again, it’s my own fault. I could have avoided all this if I’d talked to you instead of taking off the way I did. I just wasn’t thinking straight. I have a bad habit of running when things get too heavy.”
“Well…next time come to me first. You scared the life out of me!”
“You scared the life out of me, too.” The glimpse of pain in his eyes was fleeting but unmistakable.
“I would never do anything to hurt you,” I assured him. “Not on purpose, anyway. You should already know that.”
“Yeah. You’re right, I should have known better.” Leaning forward, he kissed me softly, sweetly. “Now tell me how much you love me. I really need to hear that right now.”
“Hm…I don’t know if I can do that. How do you measure something that’s infinite?”
I was rewarded with a smile that erased all the ugly misunderstandings. “I love you, too. Don’t you ever forget that.”
I was jerked out of a sound sleep early in the morning by the Suicide Blonde ringtone serenading me from my nightstand. I couldn’t believe Dana had the balls to call me at six-freaking-thirty on a Sunday morning. Was she having a blonde moment or what? I rolled over and let it go to voicemail, but seconds later it went off again. This time I turned the phone off and immediately went back to sleep. Whatever she had to say could wait until I was conscious. Which, after staying up until five in the morning talking with Rob, didn’t happen until eleven.
When I finally did drag myself out of bed, I shuffled out of my room only to find the rest of the house still and empty. After some searching I discovered Rob out in the garage with my father, sorting through stacks of junk while a portable CD player belted out a Three Days Grace anthem. Two heads turned my way at the same time, and they both grinned as if sharing a joke. My dad had an open photo album in his hands, which could only spell total humiliation for me.
“What’s going on?” I lifted up a pair of ice skates I hadn’t seen in three years and inspected them, wondering if they’d still fit. Probably not.
“Just trying to clear out some of the stuff we don’t need,” my dad exp
lained. “Finally got sick of tripping over it. Come over here, I want you to see something.”
Picking my way through the boxes, I joined him to see what he was referring to. Oh, the humanity - a snapshot of two-year-old me, bare butt naked on a potty chair with an open Elmo book in my lap. Very classy.
“Recognize her?” he razzed me, while Rob stifled a laugh behind his hand.
Raising one eyebrow, I gave him a look. “That’s just wrong.”
“Hey, don’t blame me. Your mother’s the shutterbug. You can thank her. Oh - Little Bit’s already called twice looking for you. She said it was ‘super important’ that you call her back.”
My curiosity was instantly piqued. What could be so hella important? “Okay. Lemme go call her back and get something to eat, and I’ll come back out and help you.”
“Wait.” Rob picked up something small from the metal shelf that held all the power tools and brought it over to me. “Check this out.”
It was a photograph. I could tell right away that it was taken in the front room of our old house on Somerset Avenue. It appeared to be a Christmas party, judging from the holiday decorations and laughing people holding champagne glasses in the background. I was smiling sweetly for the camera, a bright-eyed girl of about six all decked out in ribbons and curls and a ridiculously frilly red dress. But what captured my full attention was the small dark-haired boy beside me. His hands were twisted awkwardly behind his back and he looked adorably uncomfortable in a miniature suit and tie. There was something strikingly familiar about those features.
“Is that you?” I looked up at Rob in surprise. He grinned while retrieving the photo from my hand.
“Yep. That’s me.”
“Oh my gosh - did you find that out here?”
“I came across it,” my father announced. “Thought he might like to have it. Kind of a prophecy of sorts, don’t you think? Funny though - even back then he didn’t look a thing like Riley.”
Taken aback by his bizarre statement, my eyes darted to Rob and then quickly back. “Wha - um, what?”
Dad reached for the handlebars of an old mountain bike and rolled it out of the way, shaking his head in mock exasperation. “Now, ladybug. I know you can be absentminded sometimes, but it’s really hard to see how you could get the two of them mixed up.”
I felt my cheeks heat up as I realized what he was getting at. So. It was all out in the open now, was it? Glancing once again at Rob, I could practically hear what he was thinking. The jig is up, Saralou. In a way, it was a relief. No more of this masquerade.
“You know,” I accused softly.
“Rob clued me in this morning. We had a nice little informative talk.” He leaned the bicycle against the one wall that had been decluttered and looked over at me, waiting for the explanation I wasn’t prepared to give. I was a little surprised to hear that Rob had fessed up.
“Are you mad at me?” He certainly didn’t seem upset. With either of us. Go figure.
“I’m not mad at you, no. I am a little disappointed that you felt the need to lie to me, although I suppose I can understand your logic behind it. Still…I wish you would have just told me the truth. I would have felt a whole lot better about the situation knowing it was someone who actually cares about you versus that other jackass. At least that I could understand.”
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Seriously.
“Instead of subjecting you to some long lecture that you’ll probably disregard anyway, I’ll keep this brief,” he continued. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Rob. I have no problem whatsoever if the two of you want to date or go together or whatever the heck it’s called these days. But you each have your own bedroom. And that’s where I expect you to sleep. In your own bed. Got it?”
Blushing, I nodded speechlessly. I couldn’t look at Rob because I knew if I did I’d start laughing for sure.
Dad bent over to hoist a grimy cardboard box from the concrete floor and drop it on top of a plastic storage container. Brushing the dust from his hands, he added, “And since I’m not stupid enough to think that either of you are actually going to listen to me, at least do me a favor and for the love of God stay safe. I have no desire to become a grandfather at the age of forty-two.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from smiling, then coughed behind my fist. So this was what we’d been so worried about. Wow. Did I ever feel like an idiot. “Understood.”
“I should get going,” Rob cut in. “Gotta be at work by twelve.”
Dad nodded. “All right. Thanks for giving me a hand with this.” Returning his attention to me, he concluded with, “And you, young lady - you better go call Dana back before she has an aneurysm. Sounded to me like she was bouncing off the walls.”
“Oh, yeah…wonder what that’s all about.” I started to follow Rob inside, pausing to call over my shoulder, “I’ll be right back.”
Once inside, I grabbed Rob’s arm and faced him, wide-eyed. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you told him! What made you do that?”
He shrugged with a placid smile. “I had to set things straight. I don’t like lying. Keeping a secret from him is one thing - straight up deceit is another.”
“Well, what all did you tell him? What did he say to you?”
“I just told him you were trying to protect me when you claimed it was Riley. Really, he didn’t seem all that surprised. I think he just wanted to make sure I was treating you respectfully and that we were being careful. I told him you were on the pill.” He tweaked my earlobe playfully. “And that I was hopelessly in love with you.”
My heart skipped a beat, the way it always did when he brought up the L-word. “Oh yeah? What else did he say?”
His grin widened. “He said I damn well better not get you pregnant or he’d have my balls hanging from his rearview mirror.”
I cringed. “Um…there’s a visual I can do without.”
“You - what about me?” He dropped a quick kiss on my lips. “I have to leave now or I’ll be late for work. At this very moment there are dozens of unsuspecting trees waiting for me to sentence them to life behind tinsel.”
“Joy to the world!” I laughed.
“See you tonight, babydoll.” Grabbing his jacket, he whistled as he strolled out the front door and then the house became quiet and still again.
Feeling my stomach rumble, I postponed the phone call in favor of slapping together a tuna sandwich. I had just finished the last bite and was about to go retrieve my phone when the doorbell rang. Who else but Dana? She didn’t seem too happy with me, standing there tapping her foot with both hands planted on her hips and irritation written all over her face.
Following me into the house, she immediately started bawling me out. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get up with you all morning! What’s the hell’s the matter with you? Don’t you answer your phone anymore? I left like four messages! Didn’t you get them?”
Rolling my eyes at her theatrics, I told her, “I wanted to sleep in so I turned it off. I was gonna call you back - what are you going all stalkerish on me for? Jeez.”
Her eyes widened. “You don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“About the fire!”
“What fire?”
For once she didn’t waste time mincing words. “There was a fire at Jordan’s house last night!”
I stared at her in stunned surprise. “What? Really?”
“Yes! It happened around eleven. Or at least, that’s when the fire department got called out. Half the house went up in flames.”
“Oh my God, that’s awful - was anyone at home?”
“Only Jordan. Her parents were at some Christmas party. She was there by herself.”
“Wow…that must have been scary for her.”
“Well duh, I’m sure it was!”
“Is she okay? She didn’t get hurt or anything, did she?”
Dana gave me an incredulous look and suddenly, sickeningly, I felt my ski
n begin to crawl with a ghastly premonition. Already some sadistic part of me was guessing what she was about to say. And I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear it…
“Is she okay? No, she’s not okay! Sara, Jordan’s dead!”
24
She doesn’t exist anymore.
I felt the blood drain from my face as I guiltily recalled my own recent snub. True, the words were never spoken out loud, but did that make them any less prophetic? Maybe she’d never been my favorite person - despite the fact that I never even knew her all that well - but this wasn’t something I would have wished for her or anyone else. I didn’t want to believe it was true. She was so young, not to mention the innocent baby she was carrying. It was unthinkable that both lives had been cruelly and prematurely snuffed. “Are you sure?”
Dana looked impatient. “Yes, I’m positive! Watch the local news and you’ll see. My dad was out there at dawn this morning. I called you not long after he left, after I found out where he was going. I was only up that early myself because -”
“Your dad?” I interrupted. “What was he doing there?”
“He went out with the fire marshal. But like I was saying -”
“That’s not standard procedure, is it? What’s the police department got to do with fire investigations?”
“Well, I don’t know all the technicalities, but if you want my opinion it’s probably because arson was suspected. Don’t quote me on that though. I asked Daddy after he got back a little while ago but he wouldn’t tell me a darn thing.”
Arson.
She was still droning on, but I couldn’t make out anything she was saying through the buzzing in my ears. My skin felt clammy and cold. Rob. He came home with the strong smell of smoke all over him. And he had a vendetta against Riley, or at least he thought he did last night. What if…no. No, that was ridiculous - why would he go through Jordan if he wanted revenge? Granted, he wasn’t aware that Riley was denying paternity, but it still seemed incredibly farfetched. Besides, he wouldn’t do anything like that. My sweet, sensitive Rob could never hurt anyone. No matter what kind of twisted past he had, he wasn’t capable of something so malicious. He just wasn’t.
