by Sam Hall
“Let's put a pin in that for now and explore that at another time.”
“C’mon,” Brandon said, tugging my hand and jerking me back into the real world.
8
For a few moments, I just let him lead me away from the stifling emotional and sexual cloud the guys seemed to always bring on, especially when all or almost all of them were together. I was fucked, well and truly, I realised. This whole ‘leader of the pack’ thing was total bullshit. They jerked my ovaries and my heartstrings like master puppeteers. When we finally moved into the house as a pack, I knew I’d be one big drooling mess, cleaning up and making emotional messes while falling on dick after dick. And some of them wanted me to have a child? Pretty sure no small person was safe with Nympho Mum. I stopped for a moment, just focussing on my breathing, while Brandon took the hint and backed up to take a seat on a nearby boulder. He tugged me closer, so I stood within his legs, and rubbed his hand up and down my back.
“Where were you just now?” he asked in a low voice.
“I’m…overwhelmed. How am I going to do this, Brandon? Walk into a fucking Volken city, assuming I can get Aaron to let that happen, and try to rescue those guys? Facedown the Black Wolf? I’m just sitting there with a group of you, talking about a mating celebration, and I’m emotional or horny, then emotional and horny. I’m a mess, even when there’s currently no alien wildlife trying to rip my head off.”
I looked down, hoping my wise seer would have some sort of prophetic vision to help me out, but instead, he smiled. But it was different. It was only seeing it now that I realised how little I’d seen this smile lately. It was bright and full of lazy pleasure, and I was instantly sad.
“God, you haven’t smiled like this in forever,” I said, and put my hand on his cheek. It faltered for a second, maybe because of what he was getting down the line of our bond, but something inside me lightened when it was back again, as intense as ever. “I’m so sorry.”
“Jules, don’t,” he said, putting his hand over mine and then turning to kiss my palm. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I knew what I was getting myself into.”
“Yeah? What was that?” My voice was breathy, half hopeful, half terrified he would start blasting me with all the ways I’ve been a terrible mate. My hand slid down under the collar of his shirt to the firm brown expanse of his chest. I glanced up at him as I felt the beat of his heart, and saw his smile starting to fade as something intense rose up to replace it.
For a second, it was just him and me. Any one of my pack could do this to me, rip me so completely from reality, Meep Meep and the rock crusher could be back for Fluffaggedon 2: The Smashening, and I would have no idea, and it scared me. I watched those grey eyes widen, heard the rasp of his breath, and then my mouth was on his. He didn’t get to answer, of course he didn’t, because whatever this was that tugged us here and there was pulling on me hard right now. I felt all that was him rise up as the bond grew more intense, and I wanted to throw myself into it.
I wanted to drown in him, leave Finn and Slade and all the crap going on to one side and dive on in, because what Brandon showed me was glorious. It was as if his big reveal had allowed him to take the gloves off, and he no longer had to hide all he felt and knew behind a mysterious Doc-like façade. People had stopped calling him that anyway. Instead, there was only him and me.
He exhaled.
Brandon loved me in a way that was, to be frank, daunting. With all the other guys, there was a steady stream of worry, anger, frustration, or boredom that came with their love. We were human. We weren’t ‘stars in the eyes’ gone for each other twenty-four seven. Sometimes we didn’t want the same thing at the same time. Sometimes one of us wasn’t listening or understanding what the other was saying. Sometimes someone had eaten too many beans and had an attack of the farts. In all the ways that several distinct personalities could subtly fall out of sync, we had done so. You couldn’t get seven strong personalities together like this and expect it to be all hearts and flowers, but diving into Brandon’s inner world, there was none of that.
How can it be like this? I wondered, and thinking that seemed to transform the space. Rather than a formless intense feeling of love, I found Brandon and myself standing in what appeared to be a well-lit cave. Walls of stone surrounded us, but a huge skylight was torn in the ceiling, which let the sunlight stream down, caressing us and the plants that grew on the outcrops.
“You can’t compare me to the others,” Brandon said. “No one…knows you like I do.” He seemed almost embarrassed to make the statement. “They haven’t seen you like I have, haven’t experienced so much of what you’ve experienced, witnessed what you’ve become.” He shook his head slightly, forcing his eyes down, despite the fact our gazes were drawn together as if by strings.
“Why does that make you uncomfortable?”
“It doesn’t, Jules, it’s just hard for anyone to cope with. From my understanding, most couples thrive on having a little mystery. Knowing someone’s seen your entire formative years…” A quick slideshow of some of my more embarrassing moments as a kid sprang to mind. I glanced up at him with a wary look, and he shrugged.
Fuck, I wanted to take a step backwards, escape this pretty shared mental space we’d created, and hide behind the myth of adult competence we all erected. But I’d never be able to do that with Brandon. Running would make no difference. He’d still know, we’d still be tied. He watched me swallow, not touching me or moving any closer, as if I was a skittish animal, and just waited, his eyes slightly shuttered as he braced himself for my reaction. I forced my spine straight and took a breath.
“I love you,” I said, taking his hand. “You know that scares the shit out of me, would scare the shit out of anyone. I don’t know how you survived that, being bombarded by me, but I’m glad you did. We’re always going to love each other, aren’t we?” He lifted a shoulder, as if acknowledging the chance we mightn’t, but only as a courtesy. The uneasiness I’d felt since his big reveal was still there, wound around my neck like an insidious snake and squeezing tight at times, but I felt I had breathing room right now. I fitted my body against his, our mouths, our hands all slotting in against each other, as if the time we spent apart was some kind of mild affront.
I kept forgetting how this felt. The constant mental chatter that filled my brain got in the way, its twenty-four hour broadcast of any and all of the things that might hurt me made it easy to push this to one side. I had countless memories of just this, this moment of completeness, with most of my pack. Visions clouded my mind as we kissed—of wolves and black suns, of glowing creatures frolicking in the dark. While it had its purpose, a break from the noise in my head was almost as exhilarating as the feel of him.
“We’re OK,” I whispered against his lips, and something loosened inside him, making his fingers dig deeper into my hair and yank me closer.
I don’t know how long it took for us to pull away. The cave came back to me slowly. “What is this place, anyway?” I said, looking around. He seemed pleased he could distract me so thoroughly.
“That internal space you’ve gone to when mating with us. It doesn’t have to look the way it does. There is no reality, no physics here.” He made a slight gesture, and all the plants detached from the cave walls and went spiralling upwards. “Aaron wanted me to show you how to get past Sylvan’s barriers. Well, what better way than to bring you into my psychic space?”
“So, all I’ve got to do is kiss him?” I asked.
Brandon went very still at that, but recovered quickly.
“No, I’m letting you in here. What you’ll have to do is try and get in when someone either doesn’t know or doesn’t want you to.”
“Isn’t that going to be bloody hard with a seer?” I asked.
“Probably. You’ll need to practise.”
“On you?”
“The basics, yeah. But, Jules, I can’t keep you out. I never have. Ophelia and some of the ladies Mum was talking to on the d
own low gave me plenty of exercises to do, putting up emotional walls and keeping my mental space my own, but they never worked.” He smiled gently. “I guess I didn’t really want them to. We’ll need to work on making these connections deliberately. None of us have really done that, and that’s a stupid oversight. You managed to work it out when you were being chased by the rock crusher, but we need to practise being able to do so intentionally.”
“That’s what you were asking me to do before, when you said to reach out.”
He nodded. “I’m going to push you out now, but I want you to see if you can reach for this place again. You know what it looks like, feels like. See if you can visualise this place, and come back here.”
Reality slowly reasserted itself, and both of us blinked as we glanced around at the purple and red-leaved trees, the orange rocks, the blue of the river beyond. We could hear the trickle of the water, the rough amusement of the men as they followed Aaron’s orders. I looked up at Brandon, noting the patient expression, and felt almost shy. Why was that? We were connected in ways that most couples would never experience. I reached out and took his hand, not wanting to let the weird twists of my mind dictate to me anymore. I took a deep breath, because that’s what everyone did before meditation or shit, didn’t they? Maybe some pan pipe music with dolphins chirruping would help.
“You’re getting nervous,” Brandon said. “Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stuff this up or do something stupid, like fuse our minds together until we’re some sort of mini Borg unit. You know, ‘resistance is futile.’”
He shook his head. “Every time I think I know what you’re going to say next… Just try, Jules. For once, there’s no risk here.”
Of course, that’s not what my body thought. Any time I tried something new, my heart started to race, but I closed my eyes and took another breath, seriously this time. Just focus on my breath, like your counsellor always told you to. Then I reached for him.
In my mind, I was moving towards him, taking his hand again and moving into his physical space. But when I opened my eyes, I was in the cave again, looking around at the way the sun fell on the walls and the plants that grew there with surprise.
“Not so hard?”
“No.” I spun around, seeing the brilliant crystalline quality of the air. “Do ya reckon I could do this with all of the guys?”
“You’ll need to. We all will. According to Sylvan, improving the connections between us is the key to success.”
“And we all do the bidding of seers…” I said, half to myself, but my eyes jerked right when I was answered by silence. Fuck.
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be,” he said. Brandon had an expression I’d rarely seen on anyone else—the ability to face down something that hurt him, the pain plain, but with no hunching avoidance or angry response. He just stepped up and took the hit and kept on going. “Jules, this will take a while. You’re all going to be touchy and weird about the seer thing, maybe forever. I’d rather you just bloody said what’s on your mind, rather than pulling away.”
“That goes for all of us, doesn’t it?” I asked. He nodded, and it was then I saw the breach of his composure. I pulled him into a hug.
“What are you guys doing, just sitting here?”
Reality came flooding back again at the sound of an outside voice. Aaron was standing beside us, looking faintly irritated. He’d asked us to try and work out how to enter other peoples’ minds, so no time like the present. I grabbed his hand, feeling the weight of it, the rough calluses across his palm.
“Reach for him,” Brandon said, which must have been confusing for Aaron as I already had, but that was nothing compared to what happened next.
“What the fuck?” he said, the view around us having transformed into Brandon’s cave again. “What did you just do?”
“Looks like that was a success,” Brandon said. “Aaron, it's OK. You asked us to practise entering each other’s psychic space, and we have. I pulled Jules into mine, she pulled you into hers.”
“So, none of this is real?” Aaron squinted as he inspected the cave.
“Nope,” he replied, and made the plants and rocks fly through the air as he had with me. “Change it. This is a shared space now.”
“How the hell do I do that?”
“Think about the pack and your bond with Jules. Where would you want her to be? If you could create anything you wanted, what would it be?”
“Anything?” There was something fragile about the way Aaron spoke the words as he watched the plants swirl around him. “OK, then this.”
The cave expanded so rapidly, it was kinda dizzying to watch, then it transformed into stone blocks rather than a natural formation. Spires and turrets grew, with armoured men filing in to take up position on the ramparts. Red carpet spread across the floor, and a golden throne appeared down the end of it. Aaron blinked when he saw it all appear, as if unable to believe his vision was taking form in front of him.
“You want to be the king of the castle?” I said with a smirk, but Brandon shook his head. Aaron’s eyes jerked over to me and then slid down my body. I looked down, confused, and saw instead of my beloved jeans and a t-shirt, I wore a gown stiff with gems and lace.
“OK, this isn’t real, right? I’m not going to be wearing this when we come back to reality?” I plucked at the fabric and imagined trying to run away from alien creatures dressed in a bloody ball gown.
“Calm down,” Brandon said, rubbing my back, though I barely felt that through the layers of fabric. “Just respect the fact he sees you as his queen.”
I glanced over at Aaron, and struggled to meet his gaze, for good reason. That bloody expression they all took on in moments like this, it was hard to look upon. I’m not sure why, though perhaps it was because we are so unused to seeing men be truly vulnerable, we’re not as comfortable with it. Whatever the reason, I ached to see his face look so completely naked, so I dove towards him, rustling monolith of fabric that I was, and wrapped my arms around him as I buried my head in his chest.
This was better, safer, as I felt his arms do the same. The hum of our bond was stronger here for some reason, perhaps because it wasn’t diluted by the outside noise. I screwed my eyes up tight, feeling the waves of affection coming off him and sending across my own.
I knew when Brandon came closer by the curious, wary but kinda turned on note in the bond. Aaron’s arms tightened around me, as if he was scared somehow Brandon would take me from him. We had talked several times about moving beyond this, but now, some action was needed. I turned in Aaron’s arms, placing a hand on one arm as it snicked around my waist, but I held the other out and Brandon took it, his face carefully schooled to blankness.
We were hurting him, over and over. I didn’t like what he’d hidden from us, but it was time to either let him go or start moving down that road of acceptance.
“He can feel it, all of it,” I said. “Down the bond, through our expressions and actions. We’re joined now, as a pack. There is no private place to have your doubts or nurse suspicions. As difficult as it is to deal with, having a huge impact on each other is our default setting. We can’t keep hurting Brandon like this.”
Anger, frustration, and shame immediately roared through my link to the men, on both sides. Something larger and smothering tried to shunt that to one side, but that wasn’t going to work, not this time. I was as much a fan of pretending serious emotional disturbances weren’t happening as anyone else, but we were going to have to face this head on.
“Tell him what you thought about him being a seer,” I said to Aaron.
That was interesting. I saw his eyes narrow slightly, his jaw flexing as he considered my words. The knights he had imagined up on the turrets, protecting this castle he’d created, all turned towards us, drawing their longbows.
“Aaron,” I said with a warning growl.
“It’s fine,” Brandon said, and stepped away. He threw his arms wide, glan
cing around the castle, watching the arrows be pulled back.
“No,” I said, and I couldn’t keep the tears from my voice. This wasn’t real, no one was actually going to shoot Brandon, but that’s not how it felt. “No, no, no!” I leapt in front of Brandon right at the moment the arrows were let fly. For a second, I felt the bolts slam into his back before they did the same into mine.
My breath caught in my chest as I was smashed by wave after wave of violent emotion. Suspicion, low and slinking, wrapped around us like bony curs, snarling at any kind of positive thought, laughing at my feeble attempts to reassure Aaron—or even myself—that Brandon did what he thought was right. Anger, great raging fires swept through us, burning out all other emotions, until all that was left was a barren desert. Fear whipped through, stirring up the ashes, forcing the negative spiral to build again. Then, as each wave finally died down and all three of us were left bent down low and gasping for breath, there it was—a small, pulsing, vulnerable ball of dim red light. It mewled in the darkness that followed, calling for help but not expecting it.
I crawled through the wasteland we had created towards the only point of light. Its cries raked over my nerves, dragging sympathetic tears from my eye sockets. The going was so slow, every movement of my body a Herculean effort.
This place isn’t real. Physics and reality don’t exist. Brandon’s words came back to me, echoing in my head. If it wasn’t real, why did it hurt so much?
Fine, I thought, bring me that light.
It rushed towards me, slamming into my chest and leaving me spread eagled in the dust. I took one shuddering breath, then another, then I felt the glow.
ET had nothing on me. I peered down at my chest and saw the glow get brighter and brighter until it flared suddenly, and I was forced to close my eyes, putting my arm over them to block the glare.
“I trusted you…”
I jerked my arm down to see the space has transformed again. Now, it was a soft grey that was soothing and desolate by turns. It made the two men stand out all the more, even though they would always draw my eye. I noted their stances, Aaron leaning toward Brandon, and the other man standing stiff and straight.
