by Sam Hall
“I…” Jack’s face twisted into an ugly expression. “You never should have put that mark on me. I should’ve never let you come.”
Jack couldn’t have hurt Hawk more if he’d punched him. The other man’s face fell, his thick beard somewhat hiding his expression, but the pain was writ large across his face as he stepped back from Jack.
“You want me to break the bond?”
“What? No. Hawk—” The other man brushed his hand away when Jack reached out. “Fucking hell…”
His hands went to fists, the golden light around us cooling, shifting to a pearl grey, then a purplish storm cloud colour as he held himself still, appearing to fight something inside him. Hawk remained resolute, arms across his chest, eyes boring into Jack, even as the air around us started to boil.
“I fucking love you, alright? I love you, and you’re my mate, and you made it real. There’s no fucking escape anymore. We can’t pretend to the world we’re just fuck buddies. I can’t tell myself lies about what we are. I wear your mark on me.” He jabbed a finger at his neck. “We’re bound together until the end of time as far as I’m concerned because I’ll never fucking stop, and that means my heart gets fucking ripped out when I see shit like that wolf tearing into you. When fuck knows what happens next. You are my heart, Hawk, and I’ll be fucked if I know what to do about that.”
“You fucking idiot.” We both turned to look at Hawk at his unusual response. He reached out and jerked Jack to him, holding him just as hard. “You love me, that’s what you do. You don’t run away or lash out at people. You give me what I fucking deserve—your heart.”
I realised I needed to get out of here. I was some weird interloper in their relationship. We had some hot sex sometimes, and there might be the possibility of something with Hawk, but I was not at a level of intimacy with either of them yet that I could be a participant in this. I reached, for reality, the ruins, one of the guys, I didn’t care. Just any way out of this.
“You’re not getting away that easily.”
I jumped to see the two of them were now right beside me. Jack pulled me close, burying his nose in my hair.
“You’re mine too,” he said, his voice small and muffled, as if saying the words out loud was somehow frightening. I felt…spacey and exhilarated and scared all at the same time, only able to calm myself by stroking his hair. “If you want to be?”
“Jack…” He drew back, his eyes searching my face, and his expression was about as vulnerable as I’d ever seen it. I’d have to answer really quickly, before those barricades slammed up again. “Of course, I want that. I felt like I was in the way.”
And I did. They were much harder for me to navigate, these two, but when I considered that idea, I realised I wanted to. Even if at times I was a spectator to what went on between them, which would take some getting used to, I wanted to.
“Fuck, Jules…” Jack growled, and then slammed his mouth down on mine.
Jack had the emotional weight of a Mack truck. He hit people at top speed and obliterated them, and perhaps that's why those boundaries were up so high. But this time, as he slammed into me, I was drowned in something altogether different.
This is when I knew you were it for me, he said, mind to mind.
The airy landscape fell away and was replaced by a busy mess hall. It took me a little while to realise where I was, but the trestle tables, the buffet tables orientated me.
Shaunie was talking to me about this new girl, I glanced sideways to see Shaun sitting there, looking a whole lot happier than the last time I saw him, rhapsodising about how beautiful you were, how you seemed less of a player than the local girls. I didn’t believe it. Every bloke says this kinda shit when a new girl rolled into town. Just figured he was cunt struck. Then I saw you.
That was weird, seeing yourself from another person’s perspective. I was sitting with Finn and Brett and his bloody cronies and they were trying to put food on my plate, my brows creasing in thinly veiled frustration.
You could’ve lorded it over everyone, the fellas would’ve preferred that. That would have put them on familiar ground. Instead, you were clear about what you wanted and didn’t want, and lived by that. That’s what scared me the most.
Scared you? Why?
Because you made me feel something I hadn’t let myself feel for ages.
What was that?
Hope.
The scene changed rapidly, the mess hall bleeding away and replaced by a large field, wildflowers drowsing in the afternoon sunlight. A bunch of guys sat around on toolboxes and tree stumps, having a break and talking shit, Hawk among them. Our focus was on him, the way he grinned and responded to the blokes’ jibes with an ease I realised he hadn’t yet with my guys. Shaun was by his side, elbowing Hawk in the ribs about something, but their voices weren’t where Jack’s focus was. Rather, he watched Hawk with the obsessive fascination lovers specialise in, going unnoticed by the blokes around him. So he saw the moment Hawk’s focus shifted, his smile fading, his brows creasing, brought to his feet as if drawn by a string.
People commented as he moved through the group, out onto the grass, crossing the field, eyes on the trees beyond. Then I scented you, Jack explained. I trailed behind him, watching the man I’d loved my whole life become completely entranced. I called for him, and for the first time, he didn’t reply. When I looked through the trees, saw it was you up on the rise, tugging my boy along by his dick, that’s when I got really scared.
Why? You thought I wouldn’t choose you?
That, and I was scared that you would.
What?
I know, it makes no fucking sense. Having a woman with us had always been academic. Some liked him because…well, you’ve seen him. Some liked me, because of Mum, because of where they thought it might get them in the overall hierarchy, but none of them were serious contenders. There were none we meshed with, none that liked the both of us, and definitely none willing to consider us together, and while that stung, there were none we both wanted either. That changed when you came along.
The scene cut to them, hidden between the trees that formed the barrier between the field and the single housing. Hawk’s mouth was on Jack’s, Jack’s hand was down Hawk’s pants, the other man squirming as it closed around him, tugging it hard.
“Fuck,” Hawk moaned, “I need to come so hard.”
“I got you,” Jack said, trailing his lips down Hawk’s neck, feeling the scudding pulse there and then dropping down to his knees. Hawk’s hands frantically unbuckled his belt and freed his cock, his other hand going to Jack’s head and shoving his dick down Jack’s throat.
He damn near choked me, which just made me harder, Jack said. He was so desperate, so needy for me, but it wasn’t just me. I pulled open my jeans and shot my load on the grass. It was weird but so fucking hot, that feeling that there was someone else between us.
That’s what I feel like, that I’m horning into your relationship, inserting myself where I’m not wanted.
Not wanted? A silence followed, rare enough itself for Jack. Fuck, Jules, how do I make it any clearer? The fear had returned, I could feel it thrumming down our bond, a million worries coming in an overwhelming cascade, threatening to drown me.
Jack, I said, and for a moment, the emotional torrent stilled.
“Of course, I fucking want you,” he said, and now it was just the two of us standing there. “Jules…” He pushed my hair back, searching my face. “How do I…?” He frowned, then smoothed his brows, nodding to himself. He stroked my cheek over and over, and then swallowed.
“The others will tell you the pretty things. I’m sure Brandon could compose sonnets to your beauty, which is considerable, so don’t get that shit twisted. But that’s not what I love about you.” He watched me gasp at that, cocking his head to one side and examining me closely. “But don’t let the lack of poetics get in the way of this. Nan always said you can’t have love without trust and liking the person. Well, Jules, I can trust you. I c
an trust you’ll look past all the Sanctuary bullshit and see who we really are. I can trust you actually give a shit about your pack, that status and tradition and all the other hereditary bullshit we seem keen to cage ourselves in won’t hold you back from the right decision. I can trust that you’ll accept us, me and Hawk, that you’ll keep an eye out for our relationship as much as your own. You have no idea what that does for me, to know another person in this world cares for Hawk as much as I do.
“But it’s not just about Hawk. If he’d never come into my life, if it was just me and you…” I watched his eyes shift, his throat bob as he mustered the words. “I’d want to be by your side. I’m a cunt to be around, I know, but you unpack that bullshit and see what’s going on underneath all that. I trust that I can’t scare you off, that you’ll keep coming and coming until you’re so far under my skin, I can’t imagine life without you.” His forehead came to rest on mine, so I could feel his breath on my lips. “I’m not the hearts and flowers guy. But, Jules, when you come and talk to Hawk, I’m listening. I’ll look like I’m watching TV or working on a bike, but I’ll be listening, and I’ll be savouring the conversations the two of you have like you’re having them with me. I trust that you’ll wait for me to get to the point that I can put down the bullshit and start actually being a part of this.”
Fuck. My heart felt like he’d sliced it to ribbons, my eyes welling with tears I didn’t understand. He watched, listened to me fighting the sobs that came, then yanked me close when I couldn’t. Somehow, in this imaginary space he’d created inside another imaginary space, my tears spread and wet his shirt, plastering it to his chest as his hands stroked my head and I let all of it out. It wasn’t until the tears had finally petered out and I was starting to pull myself together that I really understood Jack.
“I get it now,” I said, nodding. “I think I know what you were feeling. I want so much to be everything you’ve just said, to deserve your trust in me, and I’m terrified I won’t be.”
“You don’t have to be perfect, love,” he said. “No one can expect that, least of all me. But you admit when you fuck up and you try to make things right, which is what I need to learn how to do.” He sighed. “I guess we’ve got to be willing to try. You in?”
Some of Jack’s usual cocky grin returned, his eyes dancing with the challenge he was laying down. That only widened when he heard me growl. “Of course I’m in, you idiot. I think I’ve been halfway in since you came to the honeymoon house.”
“When you fucked Shaun on the table in front of us? Fuck, don’t bring that up. I dunno if I’d ever been so hard. I blew within record time and stayed hard all fucking day.” His kisses grew deeper, hungrier, our fingers clawing at each other. “What’s sex like in this place?”
“Amazing, endless, limited only by your imagination.”
“Fuuuck…” he moaned, pushing himself away from me. “Stop, foul temptress. We gotta get back, everyone’ll be freaking out. Promise you’ll come to our tent tonight if you can.”
“Wanna give it a go?” I said with a cheeky smile, but his smile softened.
“Nah, I just wanna fall asleep knowing the two of you are with me, safe.”
“I want some of this sweetness when we go back to the real world, Jack,” I said. “You can’t expect us to put up with bite, bite, bite all the time.”
As he nodded, the ruins slowly seeped back. Hawk was standing by us with shining eyes, his hands going to Jack's shoulders.
“Of course, love,” he said, bestowing a gentle kiss on my lips. “I love you.”
I just stood there, stunned, as he pulled back, and Hawk put his arms around him. Finn came closer, nodding at me in satisfaction.
“We need to go back to camp,” he said. “See what’s left, what can be salvaged. I dunno if we’ve got food or tents…” Aaron shook his head. “So, Jack, Hawk, and Jules with me, and we’ll take a look.”
“You taking over here?” Aaron said, his voice not entirely friendly.
“Nope. I’ve shown just how clearly I’m not fit for leading this pack.” His hands flexed around his gun. “You’re right, all of you. I need to make this right, and I’m never going to be able to do that without you, all of you. We can build something strong together, move Sanctuary to a place where it doesn’t need to risk its members like this. To a place where I never have to see any of you face anything like that ever again.
“I thought my fucking heart was going to explode when I saw those wolves attack.” I took a hesitant step towards Finn, who reached out and pulled me close, holding me to his body, resting his chin on my head. I took a deep breath, and it shuddered out of me as I felt him for the first time in what felt like a million years. “I was turning my back on all that was good because I didn’t feel like I deserved it anymore. I was too…” My fingers tightened as his voice cracked, but he pulled back to look down at me. “I was too far gone, too tainted, to touch any of you. Every fucking day, I felt that godawful need to connect with you again, and it just made me angry for reminding me how I failed.”
“I need you too,” I said.
“I know.” His gaze faltered for a moment, but he forced himself to meet my eyes. “I fucked up. I thought if I stayed angry, stayed apart from you, from the pack, I could maintain enough rage to get me into Leifgart and liberate the men. I could divorce myself from worrying about you and the pack. What just happened made me see what kind of insanity that was. Those wolves could have taken Jules, taken any of you, and I was holding you at arm's length.” He shook his head. “I trust your judgement and experience, Aaron. I’m not going to try and usurp your position.”
“But you can use that bloody alpha whip to bring people into line if they aren’t listening,” Aaron said with a smile. “Finn, that’s gonna cause problems when we get back.”
“No, it isn’t,” I said. “I get why Sanctuary developed the way it did, since it was founded by rape victims, but things have to change. Exiling rapists and murderers is one thing, but alpha men? That’s bullshit.” The guys didn’t exactly look confident in my speech, but I ploughed on. “We’ll go into the human world if we have to. I know how to navigate things there. You lot could find jobs as male strippers at the very least. No one from my pack is being sent away, ever.”
Jack smiled at that, giving me a nod.
“And we need to collect some crystals before we go.”
We turned to see Brandon and Hicks coming down the stairs. Brandon took everything in with one glance. “They seem to amplify Tirian power.”
“They sure do,” Hawk said, holding up his arm. Both men’s eyebrows shot up at that.
“Alright, you heard the man,” Slade said. “Some big ones, a whole lotta small ones, and a seer, all in the backs of the utes, yeah?”
Both Aaron and Finn nodded.
When we finally walked free of the ruins, it’d gone both better and worse than I expected. But when Jack and Hawk shot me smiles as they headed to the ute and Finn looked at me and held out his hand for me to take, eyeing me to see if I would, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it.
16
I stood by the ute with my hand on the cool metal, just trying to process what had happened. Guys scurried about, getting crystals into the cars, packing away equipment and assessing damage. I should have been doing something, anything, but all I could focus on was the feel of the car under my fingertips, the sounds of people moving around me.
“You OK, love?”
Brandon stood before me, scanning my body.
“I feel like I dropped a tab of ecstasy.”
He snorted at this, then sobered. “What?”
“I’m all warm and fuzzy, and my heart hurts, but I want it to keep hurting. I feel really full, like too full, but I love it.”
He moved in closer, shifting me away from the car and into his arms, and I closed my eyes as I laid my head on his chest. God, I just wanted this to last forever.
“That’s love, Jules.”
“I know
, and it feels so good, and I’ve felt it for every single one of you. Fuck, I love you guys so much, it makes me ache.”
“I reckon you’re a bit pack drunk,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
That was so nice, that little loving gesture. I could feel the care and amusement and satisfaction radiating down the bond, and it kept feeding that feeling inside me. Fuck Leifgart, fuck the Volken and Sylvan and his secret agendas. Fuck all of this shit. I could spend my days moving between each member of my pack. It didn’t even need to be sex, I just needed to touch them, feel them, see them for who they were. They were such amazing guys, and they chose me. My mouth filled with venom. I needed to mark them, all of them, and they needed to mark me. The desire to do just that throbbed within me like it was a living thing.
“Mark me,” I pleaded, looking up at Brandon. I could feel the itch on my shoulder where Aaron’s was, my skin screaming for him. “Please.”
“Jules, you don’t know what you’re asking for.”
“I do. I can feel it in here,” I said, thumping my chest. “You want to, don’t you?”
He just watched me, stricken, but when I parted those plush lips with my thumb, I saw his fangs were out and felt the sizzle of his venom on my skin.
“Brandon?”
“What’s going on?”
Finn and Aaron had appeared at our sides, looking from one to the other in concern.
“She wants me to mark her,” Brandon rasped out.
“Mark her?” Finn said, obviously confused.
“I…I bit her, the other night. She’s wearing my mark as well as the seer’s,” Aaron said.
“Fuck, I have been out of it,” Finn said with a shake of his head. “We need to…have family meetings or something every morning, to keep everyone in the loop of what’s happening, because it seems to change from moment to moment.”
I ground my teeth, fighting back tears, which should have alerted me that something was seriously wrong. I fucking hated crying. Instead, the world went blurry, and the feeling, the longing to have them all around me, touching me, making me theirs as I would make them mine just rode me harder. It hurt, the small distances between us, the careful, logical conversations, that were usually my bag, being had about me.
