MANTLE, Mickey [Charles] (1931–98), US baseball player.
1 The son of a miner from Oklahoma, Mantle was led to baseball at an early age by his father. But he struggled with the Yankees and was sent down to their farm team in Kansas City, where he went 0 for 22 in a strong slump. He called his father, saying, “I don’t think I can play baseball anymore.” The next day his father appeared unannounced in Mantle’s hotel room and started packing a suitcase, jamming Mantle’s clothes into it. Asked what he was doing, Mantle’s father told him, “You’re going home. You’re going to work in the mines, that’s what we’ll do. You can work back down there.” Shocked, Mantle bounced back out of his slump, hitting .360 for Kansas City and returning to the Yankees. Looking back years later, he said, “That was the turning point of my life.”
2 Mantle was considered the best switch hitter in baseball’s history. Commenting on his ability, he said, “Hitting the ball was easy. Running around the bases was the tough part.”
3 Mantle loved the game for its own sake, and never for a moment considered a route gone down by many other players too old to continue as active players: being a manager. As he himself said, “All I have is natural ability.”
4 After his retirement in 1968, Mantle was haunted by dreams of returning to the field. They occurred often enough that he spoke of them on several occasions. In his dream he would drive up to Yankee Stadium but would find himself unable to get in. Hearing his name called out over the public address system, he would see his old teammates — Whitey Ford, Casey Stengel, Yogi Berra, Billy Martin — searching for him. At last a hole presented itself in the fence around the stadium, but, as he remembered it, “I try to get through but there I’m stuck.”
5 When a major league player hit forty home runs and stole forty bases one season — a feat that was later duplicated — the attendant publicity was enormous. Mantle, reading the press accolades, was not impressed. “Hell,” he said, “if I’d known they were going to make such a fuss about it, I’d have done it a few times myself.”
MAO ZEDONG (1893–1976), Chinese statesman, founder of the People’s Republic of China and chairman of the Chinese Communist party.
1 It is reported that Mao was fond of a little set speech he would make to visitors: “Our fathers were indeed wise. They invented printing, but not newspapers, They invented gunpowder, but used it only for fireworks. Finally, they invented the compass, but took care not to use it to discover America.”
2 When someone asked him what he thought about the French Revolution, Mao replied, “It is too early to say.”
MARGARET [Rose] (1930–), princess of Great Britain, Countess of Snowdon, and sister of Queen Elizabeth II.
1 While attending a small dinner given in her honor during a visit to San Francisco in 1966, Princess Margaret was introduced to Barnaby Conrad. “You have a very English name,” the princess observed. “Are you English?”
“No, ma’am,” Conrad replied, “but my sixth great-grandmother was. Then she married a lieutenant colonel and soon after became an American. His name was George Washington.”
“Oh,” she said, as only the English can say that word.
MARIA FËDOROVNA (1847–1928), empress of Russia as the wife of Czar Alexander III (1845–94).
1 The czarina was known throughout Russia for her philanthropy. She once saved a prisoner from transportation to Siberia by transposing a single comma in a warrant signed by Alexander. The czar had written: “Pardon impossible, to be sent to Siberia.” After Maria’s intervention, the note read: “Pardon, impossible to be sent to Siberia.” The prisoner was subsequently released.
MARIA THERESA (1717–80), empress of Austria (1740–80).
1 Maria Theresa spent the last few days of her life propped up in a chair as she was unable to breathe if she lay down. Her son Joseph was constantly by her side. After one particularly agonizing spasm she struggled from the chair and dropped awkwardly onto the sofa. “Your Majesty cannot be comfortable like that,” said Joseph, trying to support her. “No, but comfortable enough to die,” said Maria Theresa, and within a few minutes she died without further struggle.
MARIE ANTOINETTE (1755–93), wife of King Louis XVI of France.
1 Told that her people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is reported to have said, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche” (Let them eat cake).
2 Marie Antoinette was painted several times by Marie-Louise Vigée-Lebrun. During one sitting the artist, who was far advanced in pregnancy, dropped some of her colors. The queen at once said, “You are too far along,” and stooped to pick up the fallen colors herself.
3 At her trial before the revolutionary tribunal, Marie Antoinette defended herself with skill and courage, but the verdict and sentence were a foregone conclusion. She behaved with great composure when brought to the guillotine. As she was standing on the platform, she accidentally stepped on the executioner’s foot. “Monsieur,” she said, “I ask your pardon. I did not do it on purpose.”
MARIE de Médicis (1573–1642), Italian-born wife of King Henri IV of France.
1 The queen mother was visited on her deathbed by Fabio Chigi, then papal nuncio in France. To him she vowed to forgive all her enemies, including Cardinal Richelieu. “Madame,” asked Chigi, “as a mark of reconciliation, will you send him the bracelet you wear on your arm?”
“No,” she replied firmly, “that would be too much.”
MARIS, Roger (1934–85), US baseball player.
1 Maris arrived from out of town to join the Yankees in 1959. It was not something the country boy looked forward to. Showing up at the clubhouse in white bucks, he was taken aside by an official who said, “Listen, kid, Yankee ballplayers don’t dress like you. You got them Pat Boone shoes, they gotta go.” So he took Maris to a nearby Thom Mc-Can’s store, where Maris bought two pairs of new shoes — both white bucks.
2 During the 1961 season Maris hit sixty-one home runs, more than any other player in the game, breaking Babe Ruth’s record set in 1927. When told that people expected the same performance the following year, Maris replied, “As a ballplayer I’d be delighted to do it again. But as an individual, I doubt if I could possibly go through it again.”
MARLBOROUGH, John Churchill, 1st Duke of (1650–1722), British general and statesman.
1 Marlborough’s notorious love of money remained with him through his life. In his last years he was once playing picquet with a certain Dean Jones, with stakes of sixpence a game. When they stopped, Marlborough was one game ahead and he asked the dean for his sixpence. The dean said he had no silver at that moment, but would pay the duke the next time he saw him. Marlborough replied that he needed the sixpence to pay for a sedan chair to take him home, and made such a fuss that the dean eventually went to the trouble of sending a servant out to get change for a guinea. Marlborough took his sixpence and departed. The dean watched him leave the house and walk on down the street, conserving his winnings by going home on foot.
MARLBOROUGH, John Spencer-Churchill, 10th Duke of (1897–1972), British aristocrat.
1 The duke lived in some style at Blenheim. Once he had occasion to stay overnight in the much more modest home of one of his three daughters. Before breakfast the daughter was surprised to hear her father bellowing down the stairs that his toothbrush was “not working.” Upon investigation it turned out the toothbrush was not foaming as it should and the duke was angrily demanding a new one. The daughter had to explain that toothbrushes foamed only if toothpaste or powder was applied to them — a task habitually performed for the duke by his valet at Blenheim.
MARQUAND, J[ohn] P[hillips] (1893–1960), US novelist.
1 (The novelist Louis Auchincloss recalls an incident at a party soon after Marquand was released from the hospital.)
“John was back in his old form, swinging his glass in his hand as he entertained his audience, holding forth on what he called ‘the lack of taste and reticence’ in younger American writers. A few minutes later, he was talking about
his weeks in the Newburyport hospital and how, as part of his therapy, an abdominal massage had been prescribed. His nurse, John confided, had whispered to him during the procedure, ‘How lucky I am to be able to manipulate the lower abdominal muscles of a man like you!’ One of the guests at the gathering was the New York grande dame Mrs. August Belmont. When Mar-quand had finished this anecdote, Mrs. Belmont inquired, ‘And where, Mr. Marquand, was the taste and reticence in that remark?’”
MARQUIS, Don[ald Robert Perry] (1878–1937), US journalist and poet.
1 After a month on the wagon, Don Marquis came up to the bar at the Players’ Club and ordered a double martini. “I’ve conquered my goddam willpower,” he announced to the assembled company.
MARSHALL, John (1755–1835), US lawyer; Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (1801–35).
1 On hearing it said that they were drinking too much, the justices of the Supreme Court decided that they would henceforth drink nothing on their weekly consultation day unless it was raining. The following consultation day Marshall duly asked Joseph Story to go to the window and see if there was any sign of rain. Story reported: “Mr. Chief Justice, I have very carefully examined this case, and I have to give it as my opinion that there is not the slightest sign of rain.” Marshall, not content with this assessment of the situation, replied, “Justice Story, I think that is the shallowest and most illogical opinion I have ever heard you deliver; you forget that our jurisdiction is as broad as the Republic, and by the laws of nature it must be raining some place in our jurisdiction. Waiter, bring on the rum.”
MARSHALL, Thomas Riley (1854–1925), US politician.
1 During a tedious debate a senator embarked upon a boring enumeration of “what this country needs.”
“What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar,” chipped in Marshall.
2 Thomas Marshall was never under any illusion about the role and scope of the vice presidency. He once said, “The vice president of the United States is like a man in a cataleptic state: he cannot speak; he cannot move; he suffers no pain; and yet he is perfectly conscious of everything that is going on about him.”
MARTIN, Billy (1928–89), US baseball player and manager.
1 At one point during the 1972 playoffs between the Tigers and the A’s, Martin told his pitcher, Lerrin LaGrow, to throw the ball directly at Bert Campaneris, who had stolen several bases during the game. LaGrow hit the batter in the ankle, upon which Campaneris threw his bat at LaGrow and a general brawl started. Campaneris was asked after the game if he felt regret for his action. “Yeah,” he said, “I should have thrown the bat at Martin.”
2 Martin was well known for being paranoid that his players were secretly in league against him. He often suspected that people in the locker rooms were spies sent to watch him. As one player described him, “Billy was the only guy who could hear someone giving him the finger.”
MARTINELLI, Giovanni (1885–1969), Italian opera singer.
1 Martinelli was once questioned by a newspaper reporter about his smoking habits. “Tobacco, cigarettes, bah!” exclaimed the singer in disgust. “I would not think of it.” The reporter, a little puzzled, reminded Martinelli of an advertisement in which he had asserted that a particular brand of cigarettes did not irritate his throat. “Yes, yes, of course I gave that endorsement,” said Martinelli impatiently. “How could they irritate my throat? I have never smoked.”
MARX, Chico [Leonard] (1891–1961), US comedian, one of the Marx Brothers.
1 Chico wrote Heywood Broun a check to pay off some gambling debts, warning him not to cash it before twelve o’clock the following day. Broun later complained to Chico that the check had bounced. Chico asked: “What time did you try to cash it?”
“Twelve-o-five.”
“Too late.”
MARX, Groucho [Julius] (1895–1977), US comedian, one of the Marx Brothers.
1 Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight of him, stopped, and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed gardener to come and work for her. “Gardener,” she called, “how much does the lady of the house pay you?”
Groucho looked up. “Oh, I don’t get paid in dollars,” he replied. “The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her.”
2 Groucho was descending in the elevator of the Hotel Danieli in Venice. On the third floor the elevator stopped and a group of priests entered. One of them, recognizing Groucho, told him that his mother was a great fan of his. “I didn’t know you guys were allowed to have mothers,” said Groucho.
3 When Groucho wanted to join a certain beach club in Santa Monica, California, he was told by a friend that as the club was known to be anti-Semitic, he might as well not bother to apply. “But my wife isn’t Jewish,” replied Groucho, “so will they let my son go into the water up to his knees?”
4 Groucho sent a telegram to the exclusive Friar’s Club in Hollywood, to which he belonged: “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
5 The maître d’hôtel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. “I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie.”
“That’s all right,” said Groucho, “don’t be sorry. I remember the time when I had no pants.”
“I am sorry, sir,” repeated the man, “you cannot enter the dining room without a necktie.”
Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and yelled, “Look! Look at him! You won’t let me in without a necktie, but you let him in without his hair!”
6 A tipsy man lumbered up to Groucho Marx, slapped him on the back, and said, “You old son-of-a-gun, you probably don’t remember me.” Marx glared at him and said, “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
7 The Marx Brothers, though a closely knit group, also understood their relative values as performers. When they were working on Broadway, Zeppo, the straight man and consequently replaceable, decided to quit the show. Sam Harris, the producer, gave him permission to leave. When Groucho, Harpo, and Chico heard about it, they went to Harris. Groucho said, “Sam, if Zeppo leaves, you’ll have to give us more money.”
8 Groucho Marx intensely disliked producer Harry Cohn, who worked for Columbia Pictures. Once, with his brother Chico, he viewed Cohn’s latest film. When the words “Columbia Pictures Presents” came up, Groucho turned to Chico and remarked, “Drags, doesn’t it?”
9 Warner Brothers threatened to sue Groucho Marx when they heard that the next Marx Brothers film was to be called A Night in Casablanca, arguing that the title was too close to their own Casablanca. Groucho’s reply: “I’ll sue you for using the word Brothers.”
10 During his stint as comedian on a show called You Bet Your Life, Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to twenty-two children. “I love my husband,” Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. “I like my cigar, too,” said Groucho, “but I take it out once in a while.”
11 Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fashionable restaurant before a high-society wedding, Groucho and Harpo noted that the automatic elevator opened directly into the dining rooms on the various floors. As the elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a surprise for the assembled bachelors and emerged — carrying their clothes in valises and wearing nothing but top hats.
To their consternation, they were greeted not by raucous roars of male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was entertaining her friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared; they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape themselves in tableclothes secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject apologies to the horrified ladies, and slink ignominiously from the room.
12 Marx despised the empty clichés of business correspondence. A letter from h
is bank manager ended with the standard phrase, “If I can be of any service to you, do not hesitate to call on me.” Marx immediately put pen to paper. “Dear Sir,” he wrote, “The best thing you can do to be of service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your richer clients and credit it to mine.”
13 For many years, every time they met, Samuel Goldwyn’s first words to Groucho Marx would be “How’s Harpo?” Marx grew rather tired of this. Finally, on meeting Gold-wyn again and facing the inevitable inquiry, he said, “Listen, Sam, every time we meet — every time for years — you always ask, ‘How’s Harpo?’ You never ask me anything else, and to tell you the truth, I’m getting goddamn sick and tired of it. Why don’t you ever ask me how I am?”
“How are you?” asked Goldwyn obligingly.
“I’m fine,” replied Groucho.
“And how’s Harpo?”
MARX, Harpo [Arthur] (1893–1964), US comedian, the member of the Marx Brothers team who often pretended to be mute.
1 Among the guests at a dinner party were Harpo Marx and his wife, Susan. The English writer Jonathan Miller quizzed one of the other guests afterward, hoping to hear firsthand some of Harpo’s witticisms. “What did Harpo say?” he asked.
“He didn’t say anything.”
“How about his wife?”
“She didn’t say anything, either.”
“Oh,” said Miller in pretended disgust, “stealing Harpo’s bit, eh?”
2 Harpo Marx on a visit to New York was plagued by representatives of charities wanting him to appear at benefits. One persistent lady telephoned him no fewer than twelve times in forty-eight hours. Harpo eventually agreed to appear for her charity. To ensure that he would not escape her at the last minute, she called to escort him personally to the benefit. As they were leaving the hotel suite, the telephone began ringing. “Don’t you want to go back and answer it?” the lady asked. “Why bother?” responded Harpo with a weary sigh. “It’s undoubtedly you again.”
Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes Page 66
