~
Brooke felt as though her heart were shattering into a million pieces, pain radiating in every direction. It’d been bad enough before. But when they kissed… It’d given her that brief glimpse into what forever could be like. And she’d clung to the hope that Chess was finally in the same place. She should’ve known better than to give her heart to him. Except that it was too late because it’d been all his for far too long.
Chess gently gripped her upper arms. “No. It’s not you. I wish…” He swallowed hard.
“Wish what?” Please. Please tell me you love me and I’m not alone in this. She prayed he’d talk to her. Tell her how he was feeling.
A band of emotions marched their way across Chess’s face. It was defeat that finally lingered. His hands slid down to hers. He held them, squeezing almost too tightly. When he gazed into her eyes, there was no mistaking the sadness and determination there.
Brooke jerked her hands from his. The air surrounding them felt as cold and empty as the space in her chest. Blood rushed in her ears. Loneliness settled over her heart like an icy blanket. “You need to go.”
“What?” Chess walked around her until he could see her face. “I don’t want to leave like this.”
“I need you to go.”
He reached for her arm, but she took a step back.
“Brooke. Please stop so we can talk about this.”
“Talking gets us nowhere. I’m done trying.” Half blinded by tears, she flung her door open and motioned for him to leave. All she knew was that she needed him out now before she suffocated. He hesitated but finally jogged down the stairs, got into his truck, and drove away.
Brooke stood there for several minutes, tears streaming down her face, until she finally swiped them away. Grief gave way to anger as she stared at the rose bush Chess had given her.
The five white and pink blooms mocked her as they bobbed in the wind. She clenched her teeth and reached for the nearest rose. She tore it from the branch in one motion and threw it over the side of her tiny balcony. The other four followed soon after until the bush was bare.
That bush had been one of the sweetest things he’d ever given her. And she’d allowed herself to hope even then that it meant more than friendship.
She’d been fooling herself. How long had she wasted time waiting for Chess to truly see her? He said it wasn’t that he didn’t want her, but how was she supposed to believe that? She replayed the kiss in her mind. Even now, as angry and hurt as she was, the memory of his lips on hers triggered an involuntary shiver.
What if that kiss hadn’t meant the same to Chess? What if, after pulling away, he felt nothing for her?
Her shoulders slumped. Maybe, after everything, she wasn’t enough for Chess.
Billowy clouds threatened to make good on the weather station’s promise for more rain over the next forty-eight hours and perfectly matched her storm of emotions. Defeated, Brooke turned her back on the pathetic rose bush and went inside.
Every time Chess was nearby, she had to fight against the pull of her heart. It’d be easier to learn to live without it if she could get some physical distance. Joel and Anna were supposed to come by in a few hours to take her car shopping. By tomorrow, she’d be independent again and free to take steps toward moving forward with her life.
~
Brooke gave Anna and Joel both a hug back in her apartment later that evening. “I appreciate you guys going with me to find a car. I’m relieved to be mobile again.” She smiled at her friends and tried to ignore the headache that had developed over the last couple of hours. Combine that with her tired eyes from crying after Chess left, and she was a mess.
Twice they’d asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t want to talk about it. Couldn’t, or she’d fall apart again.
Joel motioned to the laptop screen on the kitchen table. The apartment listings Brooke had been browsing were clearly displayed. “Did you find anything?”
Brooke cringed. This wasn’t exactly the way she’d thought to break the news to them. She shrugged. “A few that might work.”
Anna read one of the listings. “In Dallas?”
“Yeah.” What else could she say? She hadn’t even tried to find one in Quintin.
“Is that what you genuinely want to do?” It was clear by Joel’s expression he knew quite well it was all about putting distance between herself and Chess.
Was it horrible that she wasn’t even feeling sad right now? She’d run the gamut of emotions lately. The tears had run out, and she was trying to think logically.
“It is. I can make it to our family dinners every week. I’ll only be a phone call away.” Her voice caught. “I need to do this for me.”
Anna put an arm around her and gave her a hug. “We get it. We want to make sure you know none of us are leaving you behind.”
Brooke smiled at her kind words. “I know. But I need to find something to work toward. I don’t want to stay where I am forever.” She reached out for their hands. “You are the brother and sister I never had and always wanted. I won’t be far. I’ll be there for your anniversaries. I wouldn’t miss a holiday. And I’ll spoil my nieces and nephews rotten.” At those last words, Anna’s face turned pink. Both Brooke and Joel chuckled and gave her a hug. “I’m serious. You guys can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Joel gave her a small nod. “I’m proud of you.”
Anna motioned to the computer. “Come on, show us what you’ve found. Maybe we can help you narrow down the choices.”
As they made fun of some listings and put stars next to others, Brooke laughed harder than she had in a while.
~
Kissing Brooke had been a huge mistake. But even as the thought registered, he knew he’d been no more capable of walking away at that moment than he would be of clearing the sky of clouds right now. It didn’t matter though. One moment of weakness on his part, and he’d ruined what little of their friendship remained.
Worried about her, he finally convinced himself to try to call her later that evening. When she never answered, he headed over to Joel and Anna’s house.
Joel opened the door on the second knock, his expression guarded. “Chess. What’s up?”
“Have you heard from Brooke? She won’t answer her phone.” Even if she’d answered, he had no idea what he would’ve said.
Joel shot him an accusing look. “We went car hunting this evening, and we took her home.” He ushered Chess inside. “She refused to talk about what was bothering her, but it was clear it was something big.”
Chess took in Joel’s defensive stance and the way Anna stood against the doorway, her arms crossed and her jaw set. They weren’t happy with him. Well, they could join the club in which Chess was a founding member.
Joel put a hand on the back of his neck. “What happened, Chess?”
The last thing Chess wanted to do was verbalize the events earlier that day. He threw Anna a hesitant look, and she nodded, leaving the room so he could talk to Joel. “I messed everything up. Probably for good.”
Joel moved to the side so Chess could enter the house. “What did you do?”
“I kissed her.”
Joel’s eyes widened. “And then?”
“I apologized.”
Joel sucked in a breath, and it was clear he imagined exactly how everything had gone.
Chess paced across the room and back again. “I know. You don’t have to tell me anything because I’ve beaten myself up over it a hundred times. I need to talk to her. Make sure she’s okay.”
“And if you talk to her, are you going to change your mind about the two of you being together?”
Chess’s head warred with his heart and eventually won. “No.”
“Then let her be. It’s the best thing you can do for her right now.” Joel motioned to the living room and they both sat down.
Joel waited for Chess to say something and when he didn’t, Joel finally spoke up. “What’s holding you back? Is it Brooke?”
“Chess, we’re not guaranteed anything in this world. Nothing is a given, not employment or weather, our homes, or even our lives. What happened to you and Nathan is on your parents and on the social workers for letting you guys fall through the cracks.” Joel pointed a finger at him. “You are nothing like your father. And Brooke sure deserves more credit than you’re giving her, too. You can blame an unstable economy, or the alignment of the stars, or anything else you think will make you feel better. But the truth of the matter is, you’re trying to swim while shouldering a responsibility that’s too heavy for you and not even yours to bear. You’re going to keep treading water until you find a way to release that baggage.”
How was he supposed to do that? Joel could talk all he wanted to, but Chess couldn’t stand the thought of failing Brooke.
“I’m not sure that I can.”
“Are you in love with her?”
Even before he had to ponder the question, his heart leapt with the answer. “Yes.”
“Then you’ll find a way or you’ll have to let her go.”
Chapter Eighteen
Chess beat himself up all the way to Nathan’s apartment the next day. He slammed his palm against the driver’s door. What he needed was some good physical work to help distract him. But the movers who brought the truck said they had to be the ones to unload everything due to company policy. Instead, they waited until the movers had done just that, and then Chess helped Nathan rearrange the furniture in the new apartment.
An hour later, Chess buried all thoughts of Brooke as he and Nathan maneuvered the couch against the far wall of the living area as Mia watched. Nathan had the genius idea of setting up the portable crib to give Mia a place to play and not get under foot. She spent most of the time watching them walk back and forth while chewing on some toys.
Nathan moved a box to a stack in the kitchen and stopped to tickle Mia’s tummy. “She’s being such a trooper while we’re doing this.”
Chess watched Nathan move several more before he stopped and raised an eyebrow. Chess shrugged. “I’m just making sure you do it right.”
Nathan shoved him good-naturedly. “Right.”
Chess nodded toward Mia as she flung a toy against the side of her play yard. “You used to do that to me all the time.” Nathan seemed confused, so he elaborated. “You might have been a little older than Mia. But we had a set of wooden blocks you liked to play with. Sometimes I’d build towers, and you’d knock them down. But your favorite game was to grab a block I was using to build with and chuck it as far as your little arms could throw. You’d laugh hysterically watching me retrieve it making it impossible to get frustrated with you.”
“That sounds like something I would’ve done.” Nathan’s smile faded a little. “I wish I remembered you more. I think I recall something about an orange swing you’d push me in.”
“It was at the first foster home we went to. You were almost three, and you’d never seen a swing before.”
Nathan’s brows rose. “I’ve taken Mia to the park. I take it our parents never did.” He picked Mia up and the three of them settled on the couch.
Chess shook his head. “I’d only been to the park once or twice before you were born. We stayed at the house. I don’t even think our mother brought us grocery shopping with her. I took care of you until we got into foster care.”
Nathan’s jaw dropped. “You were what? Five?”
“Yep. I changed your diapers, fed you. Our mother had pretty much checked out by then and it was up to me to keep you safe. You know, I always felt bad she was never there for you. I think she always had a lot of difficulties, but I remember her playing with me and laughing when I was little. More of an impression of it now than specific memories. And I wish you had those, too.”
“I remember you tickling me and laughing until I couldn’t breathe. And there was a kid who stole my ball. You tackled him and got it back for me.” Nathan chuckled at the thought. “I have those memories, Chess. They’re with you, instead of our parents.” He paused. “You stood in that gap for me back then. As my brother, you did more for me than even you probably realize.”
Unshed tears pricked the back of Chess’s eyelids, and he swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I didn’t want things to happen the way they did. It nearly killed me when they took you away.” He stopped and cleared his throat. “I didn’t know if you were okay or if someone was taking care of you. You were all I had. When you were born, you may not have come into a stable family. But you made my life a lot brighter because I finally had someone to talk to and spend time with.” A tear escaped the corner of his eye and he brushed it away. “I look back and I think we saved each other. I searched for you for so long. I’m sorry I never found you.”
Nathan was staring at the floor. “I wish I’d known and had a way to contact you earlier. I was young…” He paused. “I didn’t fully understand what happened, but I grew up knowing you’d been there. But it was more like a distant memory or a fading dream. I had nothing I could really grasp.”
“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t mine.” Chess blinked rapidly, forcing the rest of the tears back. “I know your adoptive parents don’t get along and you don’t see them much. But did you have a happy childhood?”
Nathan smiled. “I did. They weren’t perfect, but I went to parks and had playdates. They were there for every one of my school programs. Things degenerated as I got older, but yeah. It was a good childhood.”
Chess clapped his brother on the shoulder. “I’m real glad of that.” It was all he’d longed for growing up. That no matter where Nathan was, he was happy and being taken care of. That he grew up in a more stable environment than Chess had. Thank you, God, for watching over him when I couldn’t. He felt a little silly praying like that. What were the odds God even recognized his voice? An overwhelming peace flooded him. For the first time, Chess thought about his past without the heavy regret that usually accompanied the memories.
Nathan lifted Mia into the air and whooshed her back down again, making her laugh. “We have more boxes to move and it’s getting late.” He set Mia down in the play yard and handed her a toy.
With the baby settled, they resumed shifting furniture around.
Nathan spoke over his shoulder. “If you don’t mind my asking, what’s up with you and Brooke?”
Chess nearly dropped the box he was carrying. He looked at Nathan, trying to determine the meaning behind the question. “Why? Are you interested in her?”
Nathan guffawed. “No. But I can tell you are. So, what’s holding you back from asking her out?”
“Brother, you just asked a question that could take hours to answer.”
Nathan grinned at him. “I’m not going anywhere.” He sat on the arm of his couch for emphasis.
Chess considered dismissing the question, but Nathan’s expression was open, and Chess finally told his brother about the reasons behind his decision.
At one point, Nathan stared at him with an open mouth. “Hold on, let me see if I’ve got this right. You’ve turned down a gorgeous woman who obviously loves you because of me? That’s a lot of responsibility to pile on my shoulders considering I’ve only known you all for a little over a week.”
Chess rolled his eyes. “Not because of you. But because I can’t seem to protect the people I care about the most. I was supposed to be there for you and look what happened? I watched our father as he flung insult after insult at our mother. Little by little, everything she was faded away until only a shell of her was left behind.” He swallowed hard. “If I pursue a relationship with Brooke, and at some point things fell apart, I couldn�
�t bear to see her hurt like that.”
Nathan stared at him. “You’re comparing yourself to our biological father? I may not remember him, but he had a choice. A lot of choices, and every one of them defined who he was.” He stared at the play yard and Mia, who had fallen asleep. “I could’ve walked away from Mia, but I chose to parent her to the best of my ability and to be there for her no matter what happened in the future. The situation with Gwen was a nightmare. While I can’t imagine finding someone else to spend my life with right now, I have hope that the right woman will come along one day. I refuse to allow the choices Gwen made to rob me of a future.”
Chess took in what Nathan said and cringed. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
Nathan hiked an eyebrow. “Isn’t it?”
The room had darkened as another round of storm clouds moved in over the last hour. A clap of thunder shook the apartment. Chess looked to Mia, expecting the baby to have awakened. She continued to sleep, blissfully unaware of the weather outside. “I don’t know how she sleeps through that.”
Nathan smiled lovingly at his daughter. “Because she innately knows, no matter what goes on out there,” he pointed at the window where rain pelted the glass pane, “that I’m here for her. We can’t control what happens around us, Chess, but we can control the choices we make in the midst of it all.” He paused. “It’s funny how everything is working out. A month ago, it was me and Mia. And now, here we are. I’ve gained a brother, new friends, and a new job. It goes to show, no matter how bad we think things are, the storm will eventually clear.”
Someone to Trust (Life Unexpected Book 2) Page 14
