by Tammy Lynn
Kitten was sitting by the bank when she heard the words float across the lake. Looking around she knew her mind was playing tricks on her. It was EJ’s voice, but he was nowhere to be seen. Kitten knew she had to get a life. After he said the words he saw the vision in the water look up and he took a step forward, then back in shock. What was he doing?
“I love you, too.”
The words came back so clear that he actually thought Kitten was standing behind him. Turning around, he got back on his horse and rode back to the house, swearing this part he would not be telling Candra.
Kitten said it back and it felt right to say those words. Calling Shilo she went ahead and walked the horse home. The rest of the afternoon went in a blur, and that night, after her soak in a hot bath, went to bed with Miss Victoria’s last journal in hand. There were small snippets about how the plantation was going into ruin, the slaves that had died defending the plantation from the fire that was started. Then came one of the saddest entries that Kitten had read, simply titled, ARE YOU REAL? I woke up this morning and the sadness in my soul was inconsolable. Like somebody had died that I was close to. My usual thought in the morning besides Lily is Josh, but today he was blurred around the edges. No longer vibrant in color, but muted, like a color that has been out in the sun too long. I tried to recall the sound of his voice and all I could hear was the sound of the gunfire in the distance. Memories have never failed me before and I’m beginning to wonder if Josh Chamberlain actually existed. Did we share something together or was it just a figment of my imagination? If I could just see him once more, hear his voice once more I would know the answers. I know that he had a family back home and I prayed that he found them alive, but I needed him too. Needed him to assure me of life, to let me know I am passionate, that I am a woman. If there was a way for me to find him just to touch his face once more, to feel those lips on mine once more, to have him touch me like only one other man has in my life, and let me hold onto him as the rays of sun rise over the hayfields of this plantation and ask him to never let me go. I know his answer would be to remain silent because he could never make that promise, but to be held in those strong arms once more, would be worth any tears I would cry later. Just to know that he was real. Lord above, watching us down below, please watch over my Josh. Please let him be safe and let the muted colors of his memory leave so I can have the vibrant colors back in my life.
Kitten stared at the prayer on the page, the same prayer she had heard her mama say every night. She wondered if Miss Victoria ever found out that Josh did make it home. She wanted to read more, but she was bone tired. Weary wasn’t in Kitten’s dictionary, she usually rode hard, worked hard, played hard, but her soul was weary tonight, she closed her eyes reciting the same prayer she had read. In her dreams she heard EJ whispering her name and she spoke aloud, right before sleeping, “EJ, if you can hear me, please know I will wait for eternity for you, will love you until eternity takes my very soul and if it takes eternity for you to hold me in your arms again, I will wait until that time.” In Kitten’s mind as she succumbed to sleep, she heard a deep voice say, “My Kitten, I’m yours for eternity.”
Kitten went into a deep sleep and felt EJ’s loving and protective arms come around her. “I’ll never leave you again, Kitten, not even for death.”
Chapter Three
Kitten was awakened the next morning by Lissa shaking her awake at dawn. “What is it? Is it mama?”
“Yes, it’s your mama. She wants to talk to you. She sounds fine Miss Kitten.”
Kitten drew a deep breath, the sick feeling she had in the pit of her stomach left her. Without her mama she had no one left. Her grandma Lily had passed on years before. Rushing down the stairs, Kitten took the phone. “Mama? What’s wrong?” Kitten didn’t want to hear any bad news, and calling at this time of day, it was always bad news.
“Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart. I want you to come get something from me. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and it’s something you need to see. You come to me, and I’ll explain it all.” Alysia hung up the phone without Kitten saying anything.
Knowing her mama would be waiting and driving the nurses crazy at the nursing home, Kitten went up the stairs and dressed in her best and as fast as she could. Putting on her makeup, doing her hair up like her mama liked it, she did indeed look like a southern belle. The white dress, white gloves, and white shoes were her mama’s favorite, Kitten was just glad she didn’t have to wear the hoops and corsets her mama and grandparents had. Getting into the SUV she started the half hour drive into the city, wondering what in the world her mama had that she needed so bad. Kitten pulled up at the nursing home her mama had insisted in moving into a couple of years ago. Walking in, she nodded at the nurses, knowing that Alysia had already bragged that her “baby sweetheart” was coming in. She walked into the room and saw her mama sitting in the rocking chair looking out the window at the rising sun. “Hi Mama. I was going to come up and see you tomorrow.”
Alysia looked over at her daughter and smiled. “Hi baby sweetheart. I thought it was past time for you to see these. I had been thinking a lot over the last week. I know you have my diary and your great-grandma’s, but you don’t have your grandma’s. I’ve reread them and know that they are something you need to read.”
Kitten took the stack of bound books and sat on the bed. “Mama, I had a visitor the other day. He came to see The General’s room.”
Alysia turned sharply and looked at Kitten. “He was a Chamberlain, wasn’t he?” At Kitten’s nod she smiled. “What was his name?”
“His name is EJ, mama. I fell for him in a heartbeat. He looks just like Josh and Jaret from their descriptions. He left yesterday and went back home.”
Alysia stood and went to Kitten, hugging her tightly. “Went back to Maine, didn’t he? Went back to his family. We are cursed, this family is. We find the love of our life and they already have one. Of course, we do find someone else, but it’s late in life. You know you’ll never see him again. Just like Miss Victoria and Josh, Miss Lily and Elijah, and Jaret and me. It was never meant to be.”
Kitten shook her head. “I can’t believe that. Miss Victoria saw Josh again, a couple of years later. It was in a journal I found that was bound by yellow ribbon. If Miss Lily and you never saw them again, maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but I will find out. Remember Shilo, your horse? I have one of the offspring, also called Shilo, that came from EJ’s horse breeding farm. I think that’s how he found me, but he did find me, Mama.”
Alysia looked over at Kitten, who had tears in her eyes. “Ah, baby sweetheart, please don’t cry. With your courage and determination, I think you might get your prince charming, or die trying.”
Kitten looked at her watch, knowing she still had to go to the feed store today and it was on the opposite end of the county. “Mama, I have to leave. I’ll stop by later if you want.” Kitten hated leaving Alysia, thinking it was the last time she was ever see her.
“It’s okay, Kitten. I have a canasta game that I’m going to win this afternoon against that crotchety old man across the hall. If I win, I get his strawberry jello and if I lose, well, he’s not getting mine.” Kitten laughed with Alysia. “Now baby sweetheart, you take those journals and diaries and read them slowly. Enjoy getting to know your grandma. I love you baby girl.”
Kitten hugged Alysia hard and kissed her soft cheek. “I love you too, Mama.” Kitten went on and did her errands, coming back to the house and finally getting out of the white dress and gloves, she slid into her jeans and a tee shirt, because she did have barn work to do. Taking her long hair and winding it around into a bun, she secured it with pins and headed out into the stables. All the while, working, her mind kept going back to the journals. She couldn’t wait to read what was in them. The question was, would they tell the future, like the others, or would they finally give her hope that she would see her EJ again?
Laying in bed that night, Kitten wondered whether she should go ahead and read
the journals. Maybe it was just about Miss Lily’s life at the plantation during Miss Victoria’s time and her own mama’s time when she was a baby. Shaking her head with self recrimination, she went ahead and picked up the journal that was on top. Looking through the entries most of them had to do with the battles that were around them, small ones, nothing ever major, at least none that Kitten could remember when she was in school. Entries about when Miss Lily’s daddy passed away and Miss Victoria ran the plantation on her own, soon to be a family tradition, unfortunately passed from generation to generation.
Halfway through the journal came the entry marked, The Best Birthday Present. Today is my 20th birthday. My wish had been for my daddy to have seen me hit this milestone, I think he would have been proud. Mama keeps telling me that something special always happens on your twentieth birthday, but I didn’t have much hope of that. Shilo had jumped the fence yet again, and I ended up falling in the pond trying to get her. Odd, though, I heard my name whispered through the trees, and remember mama saying the same thing several times after she would come back from riding to the pond. After washing up as best I could and trying to redo the hair that was on top of my head after the fall in the pond, I decided to just keep it down. Daddy used to call my hair spun gold up and liquid gold on the nights when he would see mama brushing it. Mama went ahead and fried a chicken for supper and we had the last few potatoes, baked. Mama actually made a large tub of butter today, so I went ahead and put some on the potato, melted in my mouth. Then came the surprise she saved for last. Enough flour and lard for a small cake. We haven’t had one in what seems like forever and it tasted like a small slice of heaven. Mama and I were interrupted when Doc rode by and she had to leave to help birth a woman on the other side of the county. Since mama is one of only ones they call on, hardly a week goes by that she is not called on by the doc at least once. I had been talking to Miss Grace about tomorrow’s duties and whether we were going to start canning, when the knock came on the front door. Grace went to answer it, but I told her I would get it and sent her off to her cottage out back. I knew I was breaking the rules, but something told me to answer that door. Standing on the other side was one of the most handsome men I had ever seen. Dark hair surrounded a face that had me longing to touch it, to trace it. Forbidden thoughts ran through my mind of hot, steamy kisses with those lips. I could imagine the tingling sensation that the moustache would cause, and a smile came to my mouth with those thoughts. “Hello, can I help you?” Manners always overruled my emotions, at least they should have, but I was finding it harder and harder to remember the manners I had been taught since I had hit Miss Grace after she had reprimanded me for going outside without her permission at the time. Shaking my head slightly I looked back at the gentleman that was smiling in the doorway. “Excuse me ma’am, but I’m looking for Miss Victoria Chambers. Could you please tell her that Elijah Chamberlain is here?” I remember just staring at that fascinating mouth. “Ma’am?” I looked up at him again and smiled. “I’m sorry, but Miss Victoria is at a birthing right now. Can I help you? I’m Miss Lily Chambers, her daughter.” Elijah stared at me like I wasn’t really here for a second before he smiled at me again. “Pleased to me you, Miss Lily Chambers. I was sent here by my father, Josh Chamberlain. I was to find Miss Victoria and give her a personal message.” Suddenly manners kicked in and I invited him in to sit in the study where the lamps were still lit.”
Kitten couldn’t believe that there were conversations written in Miss Lily’s journal. It was as if Miss Lily wrote it down then everything could be remembered. Kitten closed her eyes and could picture them sitting there. If Elijah had been half as handsome as EJ was , then she couldn’t fault for Miss Lily forgetting her manners. If EJ would show up now, Kitten doubted she would have any manners as she would have to drag him back upstairs and - Kitten didn’t finish that thought. Instead she opened the journal back up, snuggled deeper into her pillow and resumed where she left off.
Elijah scooted toward the edge of mama’s brocade reading chair and took my hand. The touch sent the hairs on my arm to stand on end and if I wouldn’t have been sitting, I would have melted in a puddle at his booted feet. He looked at me at asked if I had ever heard of Josh Chamberlain and I said I had heard mama talk about him for years and told him that the room he had stayed in when he was here was still like it was left and asked if he wanted to see it. All I remember is him looking into my eyes and whispering, “I would love to.” He took my fingers and wound his in between mine as I led him up the winding staircase toward the first door on the right. That room was always in pristine condition, never touched, never redone. Elijah went over and looked at the General’s hat that he had worn to cover up the fact he was Yankee. After looking at the rest of the General’s things, he said he had to leave since Miss Victoria wasn’t back and he would come another day. I didn’t want him to go so I asked him to stay for a little while, even though I knew mama wouldn’t be back until at least late tomorrow. She always stayed to make sure the baby would be just fine, and this baby was a firstborn, so I knew it would probably take longer. “I shouldn’t stay here any longer because it’s not really appropriate for us to be together without anyone here.” Elijah had turned to leave the General’s room when I couldn’t help myself, but to touch his face. I reached up to him as I brought his face down to mine, fitting my mouth over his. If God would have stricken me dead, I wouldn’t have stopped kissing him, I couldn’t have stopped. He whispered, “Forgive me,” and resumed the kiss again, this time pushing his tongue in my mouth. What an intimate and intoxicating sensation, one I could not get enough of. Elijah pulled my body to fit to his and I could feel the effect of the kissing on him. I was scared, but oh, so very excited. I was brazen enough to take his hands and put them on the buttons of my dress. I wanted him to undress me. Strange sensations fueled me on. As his hands made easy work of the tiny buttons, my hands went to his waistband to where I caught the button and undid them, took off the suspenders and let the pants drop. Before I knew it my dress, petticoats and stockings were on the floor, my stockings caught in my shoes, but I couldn’t move. His mouth was on my nipples and I held onto his head, never wanting that sensation to leave. Within a few minutes all of our clothes were off and we were on that sacred bed, the clothing that was there, lay carefully now on the rocking chair, the covers flung to the end of the bed, and the door locked from the inside, just for good measure. Elijah covered me with his body, kissing his way down my stomach and making me squirm from the unfamiliar longings I was having. My hand was bold as I reached for him and felt the thick, hot, but soft as silk shaft extending from his body. Elijah’s mouth between my legs brought my body to release almost immediately. It felt like I was falling through time and space. There are many books that I’ve read that have only described vaguely the feelings I’m having now. When Elijah came back over top of my body and kissed me again I wanted even more. I spread my legs and begged him to make me his. I looked into his blazing blue eyes, illuminated by the moon outside, as he pushed into me. The pain left almost immediately and I wrapped myself around him as he urged me faster and faster toward something just out of reach. Elijah took my earlobe in between his teeth and bit down slightly and that sensation, combined with him rubbing back and forth propelled me forward and the feeling in me was like a piece of string pulled taut to where it was almost breaking and then it happened. Lights exploding behind my eyelids, the feeling of me falling over a cliff, heads over heels, never wanting to stop, and the feeling of Elijah pushing down on me until he stiffened and called out my name. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lily sound so beautiful. It might have been a second or an hour later that we both moved. Elijah and I shared one last sweet kiss before we dressed, put the room back in order, and walked down the stairs. He looked at me and said, “Tell Miss Victoria these words Lily. “I’m at home, but I’m not home, will never be home until I’m wrapped in your loving arms again. I love you.” “Will I ever see you again?” I had to know.
I couldn’t let him leave me if I knew he would never be back. He looked at me and shook his head. “You have to let me go, but always remember I’ll be here within you.” He put his hand on my breast. “Your heart will always carry my love.” I remember telling mama the next evening when she came home and she cried and locked herself in the General’s room for hours. She came down right before I went to bed and told me the story of her love. If Elijah and I are as ill fated as Josh and mama were, at least I had one night to know love.
Kitten felt the tears on her cheek as a breeze blew through the open window. She marked the page she was on and closed the journal, setting it on the nightstand. Her cell phone rang and she jumped. It was late at night, and those calls were emergencies. “Hello?”
“It’s just me.” A deep voice whispered to her and it seemed like he was right there with her. “Are you there?”
Kitten caught her breath and with it, tried to stop her heart from pounding a mile a minute. “I’m here.” Her voice wavered.
“What’s the matter?” EJ could hear the terror in her voice.
“I thought it was mama, that something happened.”
EJ hadn’t even thought about the time, but it was because Candra was sleeping, and he was still breaking his promise not to contact her. “I’m sorry. Do you want me to go?”
Kitten couldn’t bear that and she told him so. “Why did you call?”
EJ looked at the books on his lap. “I read about Miss Victoria and Josh, Miss Lily and Elijah, but tonight I read about Miss Alysia and my dad Jaret. I’ve had the books, I’ve read and reread them, but never set down and really read Jaret’s account. It made me, no I needed to, call and hear your voice. Just one last time. Always remember Kitten, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to have anything happen.” Kitten’s tears returned, along with the desire in the pit of her stomach at just his voice brought. “I know you didn’t EJ, but I don’t blame you. Just tell me something. Why do I hear your voice in the breeze, saying my name, hearing I love you? Why?”
