‘Christmas was just fine for me until a few years ago.’
He picked up the knot of fairy lights and began to untangle them, handing Eva one end so he didn’t lose it.
‘We made Seb on a Christmas Eve. That’s a good memory, isn’t it?’
His numb fingers stopped moving as he looked at her. She was bundled up tight in her winter coat, her red hair just peeking out from underneath her woolly hat, and her nose was bright pink over her thick, fluffy scarf. She looked like a model posing for a winter-clothing campaign, and he almost wanted to take a picture of her to capture the image.
‘Yes. But Christmas Eve isn’t all jolly excitement and meeting hot chicks at parties.’
She stared at him, amused. ‘Hot chicks?’
Jacob managed a smile. ‘You were! I’d not expected to see anyone like you at that party. I hadn’t gone looking for a one-night stand, you know.’
She looked about them to make sure there were no nosy neighbours listening in. ‘I’m glad to hear it.’
‘I was looking to...escape. Forget for a while.’ Jacob pulled at more of the wire. ‘What were you doing there? That night?’
‘Well, I hadn’t wanted to go, either, but decided to make the best of it once I got there. From what I remember, your eyes looked...sad.’
Jacob headed back up the ladder, so that she wouldn’t see the look on his face. He didn’t want to talk about Michelle right now. He didn’t want to tell Eva about what had happened. Not yet. Not what he’d done. Because if he did then she might be horrified with him. She wouldn’t see Jacob the doctor, father of her baby.
If he told her the truth she’d be appalled.
Because he’d killed a woman.
A woman he’d supposedly loved.
No one got to do that and then be entitled to happiness. This life—this chance with Eva and Seb—he wanted it, but he wasn’t sure he’d be allowed to keep it if he told her the truth. What if he took her for granted, too? Or, worse still, Seb? What if they argued and she ran off? Or drove off and...?
The thought of Michelle’s blood in the snow smacked him straight between the eyes.
‘That someone special I told you about...she died on Christmas Eve. Each time it rolls around I tend to think about it. That night we met, the party was a great excuse for me to say goodbye to a few friends and hopefully forget for a while.’
‘Did it work?’
He looked down at her from his perch atop the ladder. ‘It did. I met you.’
Eva looked up at him and felt her heart flutter in her chest. He’d met her on the anniversary of this woman’s death, and though he’d been hurt, though he’d been pained by the day, she had helped manage to soothe him—if only for a short while.
She’d always known she’d seen something in his gaze that night—before she’d spoken to him, before they’d got close. He’d been grieving! It seemed so obvious now. And they’d made something beautiful out of something painful.
They’d made Seb. And here they were, years later, together. Who knew how it would end?
She hoped it wouldn’t.
* * *
The days running up to Christmas began to pass much too quickly.
Jacob spent as much time as he could at Eva’s—playing with Seb, having dinner with them and then reading Seb his bedtime story. He also took him out for walks on his own.
Eva began to learn more about the father of her child—he liked reading and photography, and had taken loads of photographs in Africa, some of which she thought he should enter into competitions, they were that good. And she learned about the work he’d done in Africa—first in an eye clinic, saving the sight of thousands by performing simple cataract operations, and then he’d helped build a new school.
He was certainly handy around the house. The dripping tap in her kitchen had been fixed, and he’d shaved a few inches off a door that had never shut properly and he’d even offered to help repaint a room.
But she was wary of taking advantage of him. Of letting things move too fast. He was there for Seb, after all, not her—though they were getting along well as a unit, and she couldn’t help but notice how attractive he still was to her.
Since that kiss after their shopping expedition she’d felt torn about experiencing it again. She wanted to. Very much! But she was afraid of what would happen if she did. Too many times she’d thought she could have something and keep it forever, and it would always be torn from her grasp.
It was difficult to concentrate sometimes, with him in the house. He’d be reading to her son, lying on Seb’s bed with his arm wrapped around him, and she would watch them from the doorway and marvel at how homely it looked and how it made her feel all warm inside and safe. But then he’d come downstairs and put his coat on to leave, and there’d be that awkward moment at the door, when he’d kiss her goodbye on the cheek and then look longingly at her, as if he wanted to do more.
She’d been keeping him at arm’s length. Trying not to let herself get carried away by his being there and the thrill of the season. Letting him know, subtly, that she wasn’t rushing into anything. Believing that if she kept him at a distance she’d be able to stop the pain before it came if anything went wrong—that somehow it wouldn’t hurt as much.
But it didn’t stop her yearning for another proper kiss. She could feel the tingle in her lips at the idea each time he came round, wondering if maybe today he might kiss her again, but Jacob seemed determined to respect her boundaries.
And still Eva was determined to crack his exterior. To delve deep inside this man who had fathered her child and find out more about his past. She wanted to understand him. Know the pain that he carried. Because if she did then she would know if she and Seb were safe from being left behind. She wanted to know about Jacob, and the fact that she didn’t know him as well as she could frustrated her.
Perhaps if she did go and meet his family then it might provide her with the opportunity she needed.
* * *
Jacob was sitting next to her on the couch. Wine had been poured and the fairy lights twinkled outside the window and, in the corner of the room, twisted around the Christmas tree.
The television had been turned off. It was just the two of them. Seb was fast asleep upstairs.
‘I’m glad you came back from Africa when you did, Jacob.’
‘So am I.’
‘I was terrified, you know—at first, when I saw you standing in Minors that day. All I could think of was how was I going to tell you about Seb.’
He smiled at her. ‘You managed it.’
Eva laughed and sipped her wine. ‘Just about. What was it that made you come back? From Africa? Did something happen? To make you come?’
She watched as his blue eyes darkened.
‘Something. Someone, actually. You have to understand I met a lot of patients over there. Heard a lot of sad stories. The people there were brave. Proud. Each one touched my heart, day after day, but there was this one story that I just couldn’t get out of my head.’
‘What was it?’
Jacob poured more wine into their glasses and put the bottle back on the table.
‘This man brought his wife into the hospital. His name was Reuben and he was in his seventies. You could see the life in his face. The wisdom and the pain etched into every line. But he held himself tall and proud. His wife was dying of malaria and we watched her fade every day for about a week.’
Eva listened intently.
‘Reuben told me that he’d met his wife, Zuri, when they were teenagers. They’d fallen in love, but Reuben’s family had arranged a marriage for him to another woman and they forbade him from seeing Zuri. It broke his heart, but he had to do what his father ordered. He married this other woman and they had children and he said it was a good life, if not a loving on
e. His wife died when Reuben turned seventy, and he thought that was it for him. That he would die lonely because his children had all grown up and flown the nest. Until he met Zuri again in the market.’
Jacob smiled.
Eva smiled, too.
‘Zuri had lost her husband long before. She had been unable to bear children and he had walked out on her. She’d been alone for years. But Zuri and Reuben got together and married within weeks of meeting each other again. They’d been married only three months when he carried her into my hospital, exhausted and spent. When Zuri died, just a week later, Reuben stood with me at her funeral, and he turned to me and thanked me. He said that life was short and that if I had any loved ones at home then I should return and be with them. Because you never knew when life could take them away from you.’
‘Poor Reuben.’
‘He told me those three months with Zuri had been the happiest of his entire life. His story stuck with me...eating away at me. I kept thinking about Reuben for months afterwards. The twists and turns of his life. How he’d ended up with the one woman he should have been with from the beginning. How he’d known it was special with her. How the short time he’d had with Zuri was the happiest he’d ever had. I kept thinking of you. Of the night we met. How it had felt...special. How you’d made me feel. I wanted to come back and find you. Tell you. See if there was something we could make of that connection we’d felt.’
Eva nodded. ‘Because life is short?’
‘Exactly.’
He reached up to stroke her face and she leaned into his hand. His gaze was intense as he focused on his fingers, tracing her jawline and then moving down her neck, over the pulse point there that was throbbing madly and down to the neckline of her top. As her pulse accelerated his hand dropped away and he looked up at her, suddenly uncomfortable.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing.’
‘There’s something, Jacob. Please...please tell me. It could help.’
He still looked at her, uncertainty in his eyes.
She could tell that he wanted to say something but was afraid to. Why? Surely he trusted her? Had he done something terrible? Because if he had then she needed to know. Not just for her, but for Seb, too. She had to know who she was getting involved with. It was the only way to protect her own heart.
‘I want to tell you...’
She reached over and took his hand in hers, cradling his fingers with her own, wrapping her hand over his. ‘You can.’
‘I’ve never spoken of this to anyone.’
‘Then, it’s time. If you keep pain inside it eats you alive, Jacob. You can’t live with pain all the time. You know what they say about a problem shared?’
He squeezed her fingers. ‘It’s a problem halved?’
‘That’s right.’
He let out a big sigh and then nodded. ‘A year to the day before I met you was supposed to be my wedding day.’
Eva tried not to show surprise. ‘Okay...’
He let out another breath. It was clearly getting easier to say the more he spoke. ‘I was getting married to Michelle. She was a childhood friend. She lived next door to my parents’ smallholding and we grew up together...and then we became something more.’
Eva tried to imagine him with someone else. Loving another woman intensely enough to want to marry her. The idea of it made her feel uncomfortable.
‘You loved her?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. I thought so anyway.’
Eva frowned and took a sip of her drink.
‘I proposed and we set a date. December the twenty-fourth. It seemed romantic. We’d hoped for snow and we got it, too. For the first time in years it came down quite thick. It had been raining the previous day, so no one thought it would settle, but it did. It made everything look beautiful.’
She could picture it in her head. ‘I can imagine.’
‘I was at the church, waiting. You know how brides are meant to be late? Well, I waited outside for her to arrive, thinking I’d head into the church when I saw the bridal car. She was a bit late, but I thought that was because she was getting ready on her own. She didn’t have a father or any brothers to give her away. She was going to walk up the aisle alone.’
Eva sipped her wine. It all sounded lovely so far. But she knew something was coming. Something bad. She could tell from the way he was telling the story. The fact that he’d never spoken of this. She could hear it in his voice. See the pain in his eyes. The same look he’d had four years ago, when she’d met him at that party.
He looked away. ‘She never made it.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘She was hit by a heavy-goods vehicle. Side impact on black ice. She wasn’t wearing a seat belt and she was thrown from the spinning vehicle. She died on the tarmac, bleeding into the snow.’
Eva covered her face with her hands. How awful! ‘Oh, Jacob, I’m so sorry!’ No wonder he hadn’t wanted to speak of this! His bride...? Dying on their wedding day...?
He wouldn’t meet her gaze. He just stared at the carpet.
Now she understood. Now she understood the look that had been in his eyes at the party. The most horrific thing had happened to him. Of course she could understand it now. Understand why he had kept this in for so long.
But she was glad that he’d felt able to tell her. To confide in her. It meant something. That they were getting closer. That he trusted her with this information.
It all made such sense. His childhood friend, this Michelle, a woman he’d grown up with. A longtime friendship becoming something more, something more intense. Love. Commitment. And he’d lost her on what should have been the happiest day of his life!
She wondered briefly what Michelle had been like. The woman who had been Jacob’s friend...who had become his love. What hopes and dreams had she had about their married life together? She would have got ready that morning, ready for church, for her wedding—and how happy she must have been.
Now Eva understood why he didn’t look forward to Christmas. Why it held bad memories for him.
‘Perhaps now...with us... Christmas can become a good time for you again?’
He looked at her. ‘I hope so.’
‘Thank you for telling me, Jacob. I know it must have hurt.’ She squeezed his fingers. ‘I really feel we can move forward now. I’d like to go with you to your parents’ place.’
Though she still felt nervous about it—and would continue to until they’d been. Until she’d seen how his family were with her. But if Jacob could make this huge step forward by confiding in her, then she could do this for him. It would help him. Her, too. And it would give her the opportunity to learn more about this man she wanted to trust implicitly.
Jacob focused on her as she spoke, nodding. ‘I’d like that. So would they.’
He continued to stare at her and she stared back. They were so close to each other on the couch. Their legs had been touching the entire time Jacob had been speaking and while they’d sipped at their drinks.
She hoped that now he had started to open up about himself he would continue to do so. Perhaps back at his childhood home, confronting old memories, he would do so. She could learn more about him. About Michelle.
What if he still loves her?
The horrible thought impeded on her warm feeling inside and she tried to crush it down. Ignore the fact that she’d thought it. But the more she tried to ignore it, the stronger it seemed to get.
Jacob had had the love of his life ripped from him! It wasn’t a love that had slowly died. It hadn’t ebbed away with the years. She hadn’t cheated on him.
She’d died!
He had to still love her!
And if he loved a dead woman how could they ever truly be together? She wasn’t going to try to compete with a ghost.
/> She couldn’t afford to get involved with him. She couldn’t risk her relationship with him. It would end badly.
Perhaps it would be best if she kept her distance from him until he’d sorted out the feelings he still had.
She looked down at his lips, at his smooth mouth amongst the small forest of stubble that grew around his jaw. A small scar marked a brief valley on his chin. How had he got that? Shaving? A boyhood accident?
What if he wasn’t still in love with Michelle?
Would she be risking ruining their relationship by creating distance between them when she didn’t need to? Would she be fulfilling her own prophecy by keeping him at arm’s length?
Life is too hard!
Her gaze went back to his lips. Then to his eyes. He was looking at her so intently. All she had to do was lean closer, close the gap, close her eyes and then he would be hers...
Eva stood up abruptly, placing her wine glass on the table. ‘It’s nearly time for you to go.’
‘Of course.’
This was best. To have the distance they both needed.
It’s the right thing to do.
So why did it hurt? Why did she want him to stay? Because if he stayed who knew where it might lead?
It was best this way. He was clearly still grieving—he was the last person she should be letting herself get involved with right now. She knew that.
He nodded and grabbed his jacket, pecked her on the cheek and headed into the hallway. She heard the front door open and close.
She pressed her hand to her cheek. The warmth from his lips was fading away.
It felt awful to create space between them, but it was the best thing to do.
* * *
The house was normally quiet when she woke up in the morning, and she could sit and read a newspaper quietly with a cup of coffee before Seb came bouncing down the stairs, full of life and noise.
But this Saturday morning Jacob had arrived early, and the smell of frying bacon filled the house, causing her to salivate. Even though she didn’t normally eat fried breakfasts—she was a cereal and half a grapefruit kind of girl—she wolfed down bacon, two sausages, scrambled eggs and toast.
A Father This Christmas? Page 10
