I pause, embracing the steam as it envelops me, covering the whole bathroom, and then finally I feel ready to strip off my clothes. To bare my skin to the air.
I throw the sweatpants and t-shirt into the corner of the room before stepping under the scalding water. My pale skin turns red from the heat, but it’s not enough. I need to get the feel of him off me, but it doesn’t matter how many times I scrub my skin, he’s still there.
He’ll always be there.
I hiccup a sob, my hand covering my mouth, sure someone will hear me. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want to feel like this. But I can’t stop the tears as they stream down my face just like the water out of the showerhead. They come thick and fast, and when my legs start to wobble, I lower into the tub, bringing my knees to my chest and holding onto myself as hard as I can.
My hair flattens against my face, but I don’t move it. I let it hang there, creating a veil from the evil in this world. The evil who should have done nothing but love me unconditionally.
Why?
It’s the one question I’m sure will never get answered but I’ll keep asking.
I had a plan. A few weeks, that’s all I needed. Time… something we can’t slow down, stop, or speed up. Why can’t we have a fast-forward button? I want to get all this pain over with, I want to start over and make a new life. Instead, I have to live every second with the marks on my skin, and the burns on my soul. It wasn’t meant to happen like this.
I’d stay here under this water forever if I could, letting it all wash away down the drain.
Three showers but I still feel as dirty as I did when he held me down on the floor and—
I gurgle a sound in my throat, squeezing my eyes closed and holding my palms on either side of my head to get the images out of my brain. I may be able to scrub my body clean, but I’ll never be able to erase the hurt and pain he’s caused.
I don’t move, not when the water turns cold, not when I hear a noise outside the door. I wait… counting down the seconds, hoping everything will feel differently when I step out of the tub.
But when I finally turn the water off and wrap a towel around my body, my feet sinking into the soft mat on the floor, nothing happens.
The pain is still there, the sorrow in my soul still screaming out.
I’ll never be the same.
Moving like a zombie, I open the bathroom door and shuffle over to the bedroom.
I halt when I close the door behind me, seeing a shirt and pair of leggings on the bed. Tilting my head to the side, I try to hear if anyone is moving around, but all that greets me is silence.
Reaching for them tentatively, I see the leggings are my size and brand new, much like the oversized shirt sitting next to them.
I don’t think twice about it before I pull them on, relishing in the feel of my arms being covered by the long sleeves. A small crack in my heart starts to fill as I think about what Luke promised last night. I should have told him when he asked instead of giving him the cell back. I should have confided in him and let him help. I thought I had it all under control. How wrong was I?
Standing in the middle of the room, I stare out of the window, watching as the sky starts to brighten, captivated by the natural beauty. At least that’s one thing that will never change. The days will keep on churning, turning into nights.
“Lily?” My hand flies to my chest as I spin around. My wide eyes find the closed door, and when Luke raps his knuckles on it twice, and asks, “Can I come in?” I don’t know what to say.
My breath hitches at the thought of us being in a confined space together, so I step toward the door, pulling it open but not looking up at him.
The silence wraps around us, the air becoming thick with tension until his deep voice asks, “You ready to go?”
My head whips up, the wetness of my hair flicking onto his black t-shirt. “Go?”
His ice-blue eyes bore into mine as he leans against the doorframe. “Go,” he repeats.
“But—”
He stands up to his full height before moving his arm toward me, and I can’t stop my reaction. It’s instinct as I reel back at the thought of being touched right now. His eyes widen before he raises his hands in front of him, silently telling me he won’t touch me.
“I have a plan, but it involves you getting out of here.” He pauses. “Do you trust me?”
I stare at him, my stomach dipping at the intensity in his eyes.
Do I trust him?
Nodding my head, I tell him I do because it’s the truth. I don’t need to think about it. The promises in his eyes are all I need to step forward.
“Words, angel. I need words.”
My head tilts back so I can look at him, and I swallow before whispering, “I trust you.”
His gaze flicks between my eyes, assessing me in his usual way before he inclines his head. “I’m gonna take you away for a few weeks. Somewhere no one knows who you are.”
“Okay,” I say, my voice small.
“I promise I won’t let anything else happen to you.”
I want to scream and shout. Tell him I don’t need him to protect me, tell him he can’t tell me that when he doesn’t know what could happen. But the girl inside of me who’s irrevocably broken takes a sigh of relief.
“We need to get going now before Mom wakes up.”
“What? Are we not saying goodbye? Does she—”
“It’s best she doesn’t know where we’re going, and if she asks me, I can’t lie to her face. If she knows, it’s another avenue for someone to be able to find you.”
I frown, watching him for a beat. “You don’t trust her?”
He looks up at the ceiling, exposing his thick throat as he blows out a puff of air. “I don’t trust anyone.”
My eyes widen, the action causing me to wince. My fingers flutter over my eye, and I wish I could look in a mirror and see the damage he did, but I’m afraid it’ll be my undoing. As long as I can’t see my face, I can overcome this. Or that’s what I keep telling myself.
“Yet you’re asking me to trust you?” My lips lift into the smallest smile, but it’s better than the way they’ve been since last night, and when he looks down at me and sees it, he chuckles softly, holding his hand out.
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
Shaking my head, I walk past him, leaving his hand hanging in the air as I walk down the hallway and down the stairs.
“So you’re one of those, huh?”
“One of what?” he asks, following me, and when I get to the living room, I turn around, giving him my full attention.
“The kind of person who wants everyone to do as he says but doesn’t follow his own advice.”
He watches me for a beat, probably trying to work out if I’m being serious or not, but when all I do is stare at him, he lets out a long breath.
“I’ve learned it’s the only way I don’t get hurt.”
The vulnerability behind his eyes tells me there’s more to Luke than he lets on, but as I’m about to open my mouth and ask him about it, we both hear the floorboards creaking upstairs.
Luke practically flies across the living room, gathering a couple of bags and his keys before handing me a brand new pair of sneakers and ushering me out the front door into his SUV, just in time for his mom to open the door and watch us reverse out of the driveway, her eyes wide and body taut.
LUKE
Silence has never bothered me. I can sit in a room full of people without anyone talking and I’d be comfortable. But the silence that surrounds me in the SUV on the way to the house makes me itch to fill it with anything.
Music, my voice, the sounds of nature through the slightly open window letting a breeze into the car.
I hesitate several times over, afraid I’ll say something to trigger her. Never in my life have I been scared to say something. I’m the kind of person who says what he wants when he needs to. But right now, my brain’s telling my mouth to move but nothing’s coming out.
> Flicking my gaze over to Lily in the passenger seat as I pull up to a stop sign, I stare at her profile; her eyes closed, her cheek pressed against the window and her knees against her chest.
She must feel my gaze on her because she slowly opens her eyes, the blue dull as they connect with mine. That’s when I realize she doesn’t need me to fill the silence, all she needs is to know I’m right here.
Slowly, I move my hand, resting it over the top of hers and squeezing slightly. She didn’t want me to touch her earlier, and I respected that. But I can sense she needs this right now.
I want to tell her I can’t even comprehend what she’s going through in this moment, that I won’t go anywhere, but instead, I lift her hand and bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles before laying it back in her lap and letting go.
“Don’t,” she whispers, taking hold of my hand again and pulling it toward her as she sits up. “Please... don’t let go.”
I swallow, nodding slightly, trying not to figure out what she means by that and looking back out the windshield, pressing my foot to the gas pedal.
“We’re nearly there,” I croak out, my voice rough from not talking for several hours. “You’ll be safe here until…” I trail off, not knowing when until is.
“Until I’m eighteen,” she provides. “Four weeks and then I’m free… right?”
“Right.” I nod in confirmation, but inside I know she won’t be truly free just because she turns a certain age. The fact that she’s only seventeen has a part of me wanting to take her to Charlie, to let him deal with this in the right way. But I know more than anyone that it doesn’t matter how much you beg people to help, sometimes they won’t.
This is her only option, and even though I have a thousand things on my mind right now and two other places I should be, none of it is as important as keeping Lily safe.
Turning down a side road, I go off track, weaving through the trees that surround the house before it appears. It may be in the middle of nowhere, but I still don’t trust anything—not now, not ever.
“Stay here while I check it out,” I tell her, turning the engine off and jumping out of the car.
The leaves crunch under my boots, the stairs creaking as I walk up them and onto the wraparound porch. It isn’t the best-kept house, the white paint peeling off the sides and a couple of boards cracked and broken in places. But it’s out of the way and no one knows about it.
Crouching down, I pull up a board closest to the door and find the key before standing up and twisting it in the lock. Dust particles greet me as I open the door and I wave my hand in front of my face to move them aside.
The house consists of a small living space, a kitchen to the right complete with a small table and two chairs, and then a bathroom and bedroom off to the left. It’s all on one level; windows in every room that I go around and make sure are locked before heading back into the living space. I nearly jump out of my skin when I see Lily standing in the doorway, a small smile on her face as she looks around the bare house.
“I told you to stay in the car,” I reprimand, but there’s no conviction in my voice.
She shrugs, stepping farther inside. “I didn’t want to be out there on my own.” She moves toward the fireplace. “What is this place?”
“A safe house of sorts.” I move toward her, watching as she runs her fingers over the gray, brick mantel. “We used it on a job a couple years back.”
She nods, but I’m not sure she’s really hearing what I’m saying.
“Want me to give you a tour?” I hold my hand out to her when she turns around.
“Sure.” She offers me a slightly bigger smile this time, but instead of taking my hand, she walks past me into the bathroom I just came out of.
“It’s not much,” I say, following her. “But it’ll do for now. It’s more a stopgap than anything.”
She runs her fingers over the top of the sink in the same way she did the mantel, biting her bottom lip. “Are you staying with me?”
Leaning against the doorframe, I tilt my head. “For a couple of days. I’ll show you around the small town and make sure you have everything you need, but then I gotta head back to the compound.”
“Right.” She clears her throat. “And… you’ll come back?”
Pushing off the door, I step toward her. “Do you want me to come back?”
She doesn’t hesitate before she says, “Yeah.”
“Then I’ll come back, angel.” She looks up at me, her head tilted back with how close we’re standing. “I’m gonna get you a burner phone so we can keep in touch while I’m gone, but I’ll be back a few days after that. Okay?”
She’s silent for several minutes and I can see the wheels turning in her mind before she looks away, pushing her shoulders back and standing to her full height.
“Okay.” She looks back at me, pushing a huge smile on her face that I know is for my benefit.
“You don’t have to do that,” I tell her, frowning down at her.
“Do what?” she asks, slipping past me and looking into the bedroom before heading into the living room and pulling the cover off the two-seater sofa.
“Put on a brave face. You don’t have to do that with me, Lily.” She doesn’t look at me, all her focus on the task in front of her as she takes the sheet off the coffee table too and starts folding them into a neat pile.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says, still not looking at me.
Reaching out, I place my hand on her arm, stopping what she’s doing and waiting until she looks up at me. After a beat, her blue eyes connect with mine and I bend at the knees, bringing our faces to the same level.
“You can be you with me, angel. You don’t have to pretend to be okay. You wanna scream and shout? You go on ahead and do it.” I pause, bringing my hand to her face and cupping her cheek. “You wanna cry until you ain’t got any more tears? You do it and I’ll be here to hold you.” I step forward. “But don’t give me your fake smile and act like everything is okay.”
I listen as she takes a deep breath, waiting for her reaction, and when she opens her mouth, I don’t expect her to say, “Is that what you want?” Her eyes mist over, but I see the steel in her not to let the tears slip free. “You want me to be the fragile girl who cries all day and night? Who screams ‘why me?’” She shakes her head, stepping back so I’m no longer touching her. “I already told you, Luke. I don’t need a superhero, I can save myself.”
Running my hand through my hair, I grip it, relishing in the sting it causes. “I’m not tryin’ to be your goddamn superhero!” I growl, spinning around and walking toward the kitchen before turning back to face her. “I may not know what it feels like to go through what you went through yesterday, but I know what it’s like to live with evil. A man who would use his fists and control every single fuckin’ day.” My chest rises and falls, my breaths coming faster as I smack my palm off my chest. “I grew up with a man like that too. So when I see your fake fuckin’ smile, I know it’s there to show everyone you’re okay.” I pause, trying to pull myself together, but something about Lily has me losing my mind and my lips loose when it comes to my past. “But inside I know you’re fuckin’ dying. You’re begging someone to come and save you, crawling on your hands and knees to escape the darkness, to move toward the light.” Her hand moves to her mouth, tears now flowing freely down her face, and part of me feels bad for causing it, but the other part of me is grateful she’s at least letting it out and not keeping it locked up inside. That shit isn’t good for anybody. “You can’t do that behind fake smiles and trying to save yourself, Lily. I’m offering my help, so stop being so stubborn and take it.”
I stop my rant, letting the only sounds in the room fill the air—my breathing and the sound of her tears—and when she finally takes a step toward me, her face crumbling in agony, I know I went too far, but maybe that’s what she needed?
“I can’t get the feel of him off me,” she whispers, hiccupping a sob.
“I can’t stop seeing him over me… holding me down… I don’t want him to take up all my headspace.” She continues toward me, stopping a couple of feet in front of me. “I want to push it away, start over… not have to think about it. But I… I don’t know how.” She shakes her head. “Not without the fake smiles and the front I’m used to putting on.”
“Darlin’, you can put that front on all you want, but when it’s just you and me, you let that shit slide away. You don’t have to be strong with me. Got it?”
She watches me for a beat, hope in her eyes before whispering, “Got it.”
LILY
I stare out the window, the dark night sky clear, the moon shining brighter than it ever has. My thoughts swirl inside my head, not stopping on any one in particular as they whirl around. I want to shut them down, turn them off, but nothing I do seems to stop them.
At least not since Luke left a few hours ago.
I keep telling myself that I don’t need him, that he doesn’t make a difference. It’s all a lie though. If it wasn’t for him, I have no idea where I’d be. In my body and in my mind.
The straight way he talks to me, no bullshit coating over the veiled words is refreshing. He says it how it is, and for once in my life, I’m relishing in it.
Only now he’s gone and isn’t coming back for several days. I get it, he has a life, but I can’t help wanting him to come back to me. To sit next to me, not a word said out loud but thousands of things being spoken with one look.
The crawling sensation finally subsided with him keeping me busy—keeping me safe—but now that I’m on my own it itches, burns, craves to be scrubbed away.
Every little noise has me jumping out of my skin. There’s no way anyone can know where I am, there just isn’t. Not even Kim knows where we’re staying, only that I’m safe. It doesn’t stop me from getting out of bed and going to check all the doors and windows are locked though. For a millisecond I feel safe, that is until the wind bashes a branch against the side of the house.
Catching Teardrops (MAC Security Series Book 5) Page 15
