by Lisa Suzanne
He starts toward me, but I don’t want to kiss him before I’ve had a chance to brush my teeth—to get rid of the taste of Mark’s peppermint mouth on mine. I allow Brian to pull me into a hug, praying he doesn’t smell sandalwood on my skin.
“What’s wrong?” he asks when I stiffen.
“Sorry. I have to pee.”
He chuckles and lets go, holding his arm out toward the bathroom. “Be my guest.”
I grab my purse and head to the bathroom. I spend extra time freshening up, trying to scrub the guilt away with a whore’s bath. It’s the first time I’ve given myself a whore’s bath where I actually sort of feel like a whore. What I did last night…it was wrong.
I hold my head in my hands for a split second, wondering where the responsible, wholesome girl I used to be disappeared to. The answer hits me like a brick: the very second Mark Ashton took me to bed, everything changed.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Brian’s not in his bedroom anymore. The door is open, and I hear voices coming from the kitchen. I walk that way, and I find Brian talking to Mark like everything’s normal. They both sit at Mark’s table, curls of steam rising from the coffee mugs in front of them. Mark faces my direction, and Brian faces the window.
Mark’s eyes land on me, and I feel their searing burn even from this distance. My heart twists and desire warms my belly.
Then Brian turns around and I shift my gaze to him. My heart twists for him, too.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Brian says softly, and then he stands and strides toward me. I want to die on the spot. My boyfriend is about to kiss me in front of the man I secretly had sex with last night.
I tear my eyes from Mark and force them over to Brian. He pulls me into him, and I can’t help my glance over his shoulder at Mark. His eyes burn into mine for the briefest second, and then he averts his gaze from me and focuses on the view out the window.
Before his eyes move to the window, though, I spot it. The pain, the ache. The hurt and heartache. The fact that Brian gets to pull me into his arms in the middle of his kitchen.
I keep trying to fool myself into believing it’s not real, but I saw it there. If it’s not real, if this is just some competition between brothers like Brian claims, then Mark is one hell of an actor.
Brian presses his lips to mine, and he tries to open my mouth with his tongue, but I stiffen and pull away—not because it’s Mark sitting there, per se, but because I’d feel a little awkward sticking my tongue in my boyfriend’s mouth in front of anyone.
He gives me a wounded glance, and I just nod pointedly toward Mark. Brian rolls his eyes.
“I should get going,” I say to Brian. “Let me know about Germany.”
Mark glances over at his brother, carefully avoiding my eyes. “Germany?”
“The deal I was working on in Houston fell apart,” Brian says. “I might need to fly out to Germany to get it back on track.”
“When?” Mark asks.
Brian shrugs. “Depends. They’re still in Houston for a few more days. Probably next week.”
“And you’re going with?” Mark asks, allowing his eyes to flick to me.
“I might,” I say softly, my eyes on his.
Brian turns back to me, ignoring his brother’s interrogation that’s not his business. I force my gaze from Mark’s.
Brian presses a kiss to my cheek. “Let’s get your passport in order and once I have confirmation I need to go, we’ll figure it out.”
I nod and walk over to the door. “I’ll see you later,” I say to the room in general. I don’t even know who I’m talking to at this point. I’m not even totally sure who I want that last phrase aimed at; I just know I need to get out of there and away from them both so I can sort through my feelings.
Brian’s right behind me and follows me out into the hall. “You okay?” he asks as I wait for the elevator.
“Fine,” I lie. “Just tired.”
He comes in for a hug, and I wrap my arms around him, totally conflicted about everything—my feelings, which man I love, whether I love either…whether I love both.
The elevator comes, and I give Brian a small kiss. I have to. That’s what a girlfriend does when she’s leaving her boyfriend.
*
Life hands us so many choices.
Some choices are automatic and require no forethought: swerving to miss hitting the car in front of you, taking off your bra as soon as you get home from work, finishing the bowl of ice cream, calories be damned. Even though they’re easy, a conscious effort to decide between two things still exists.
Other choices are more challenging and need a little consideration: the white shirt or the black, chicken or fish, which restaurant to go to for dinner with your best friend who is as indecisive as you. Even though those decisions are a little more difficult, one choice always sticks out as the right one.
But some choices are so difficult that no amount of musing, rumination, gut instinct, or meditation can help puzzle out the right answer. For me, that sort of choice centers on two people who just happen to be brothers.
Brian or Mark?
The question echoes constantly in the recesses of my mind, over and over, a hall of mirrors. No matter where I turn, it’s the wrong answer. I’m hurting one brother if I do right by the other. No matter where I turn, it’s the right answer. I’m hurting one brother if I do right by myself.
Someone’s going to get left behind. Someone’s going to lose. Someone’s going to end up with a broken heart.
I’m just terrified that the someone is going to be me.
I’m sitting on the couch in the family room staring blankly at a television that isn’t even turned on. I’m completely lost in thought when Jill walks through the door. I feel an immediate sense of relief. My best friend is here. Finally we can talk about the events of the last twenty-four hours…events I’m still not sure I believe happened.
I immediately start crying when she walks into the room. I’m an emotional disaster.
“Reese, what’s wrong?”
I shake my head and gasp for air between tears.
“Is it Brian?”
I shrug.
“Mark?”
I nod.
“What happened?”
I pull in a shaky breath and let the words tumble out of me. “He snuck into Brian’s room last night and we had sex.”
She starts pacing in front of me. “Oh my God. Where was Brian?”
“Some emergency at the office.”
She gasps.
“I—” I start to tell her that I slept with both of them last night, but I stop myself.
“What?” she asks.
I look down at the floor. “Brian and I were…”
“You were what?” she prompts.
“We were, um, together before Mark and I were.”
“You were with both of them last night?”
I nod, my cheeks burning with shame as I admit my darkest secret to my best friend.
“Are you going to tell him?”
“How can I?” I shake my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Who do you want to be with?”
I’m not sure the answer that comes to my mind and the answer that tumbles out of my mouth match. “Brian.”
“Are you sure?”
I lift a shoulder. “I want a normal relationship with a normal guy. Mark doesn’t want me for any other reason than because I’m with his brother.”
“You’ve convinced yourself of that, but from everything you’ve told me, I’m not sure I buy it.”
“So we’ve got a passionate, fiery thing between us. It’ll fizzle in time.”
“Will it? Or could it be the base for a connection like you’ve never felt? The start of the most meaningful relationship of your life? Whatever you decide, take it from someone who was on the receiving end of that sort of blindside. Choose quickly. Be honest. Don’t string them along.”
I let her words mingle around my head. She’s right. O
ne of these men will give me the most meaningful relationship of my life.
I just have to figure out which one it will be.
three
My sister surprises me with a text announcing a surprise visit—a visit that isn’t all that much of a surprise considering we talked about her coming to see me when I was in Phoenix.
Rachel: Decided to drive up for the weekend. If you’re busy I can get a hotel.
I’m thrilled my sister is on her way to visit. I need someone to talk to about the absolute mess I’ve suddenly made of my life, and I didn’t get the chance to talk to her when I stopped home a few days ago.
To be fair, though, I hadn’t slept with Mark for the second time at that point, either. Everything’s become so much messier in such a short amount of time.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts over the past couple days. Brian has been putting in a lot of time at the office with some new accounts he acquired, so we’ve barely seen each other since he got back from Houston. Jill’s been holing herself up with work, and when she’s not there, she’s with Becker. I can’t help but feel like she’s been avoiding me since my confession. She was cheated on not all that long ago, and I’m sure what I’ve done brings up painful memories for her. Tess is out of town, so I’m sitting idly at my house, staring at the television that isn’t even turned on, trying to process what in the fuck I did a few nights ago.
I haven’t heard from Mark. I’m torn on how I feel about that. On one hand, I’m relieved. It’s giving me a chance to put what we did behind us. On the other hand, I’m curious. Did he get what he wanted? Is that why I haven’t heard from him? Or is he off tending to his career?
My sister doesn’t know Brian, has no idea I slept with our rock star idol, and she has a good head on her shoulders. She’s in a solid relationship with Ben, and I admire that about her. She may be younger than me, but she certainly has her shit together much more than I do.
The second her text comes, I feel a sudden sense of relief. She’s family. She’ll be able to provide me with some perspective and she’ll be on my side because that’s what sisters do.
Me: I’m never too busy for you and of course you can stay with me.
Rachel: Should be there in five hours or so.
Me: Don’t text and drive!
She doesn’t reply, so I assume she took my advice.
I text Brian next.
Me: My sister is driving up right now. Want to do dinner with her?
His response takes some time, but I assume it’s because he’s at work.
Brian: I need to move a few things around, but I can make it work. I’ll have Kelsey make reservations. Anywhere special?
Me: You pick.
Brian: For three?
Me: Make it for four in case her boyfriend comes.
My phone rings a few minutes later, and Brian’s name flashes across my screen.
“Seafood okay?” he asks after I answer.
“Fine,” I say. I slept with your brother.
It’s always on the tip of my tongue, but I can never bring myself to say the words. I’m glad he’s been so busy at work. It’s given me a little time away from him, time to miss him and realize how much I love him, that I might’ve made a horrible mistake.
But then I think of the two nights I shared with Mark, and I can’t honestly call either of them a mistake. Something that deep can’t be a mistake.
“We have an eight o’clock reservation at the Wynn. I called to see if you checked your passport yet.”
I pick up the passport and stare at the date as I cradle my phone between my ear and my shoulder. It doesn’t expire for another year. “It’s valid. But I don’t know, Brian. It’s getting close to school starting back up again. I have a lot of planning to do, and our back to school week for teachers is coming up quickly.”
I planned on going with him. I keep telling myself that I just don’t want to go this close to school getting back in session. Besides, sitting on a plane for half a day to get to a location where I won’t get to see the person I’m traveling to see since he’ll be working all day doesn’t sound like the best use of my time.
“I want you there with me,” he says with persistence.
“When are you leaving?” I toss the passport on my dresser.
“Next Thursday.”
“How long will you be gone?” I twist a lock of hair around my finger.
“I’m guessing ten days. Possibly longer.”
“Will you be working the whole time?”
“A lot of it.”
“Is Kelsey going?” I have no right to feel jealous of his secretary. None. I gave up that right when I slept with his brother.
But I still don’t trust her.
He sighs. “Yes.” He sounds annoyed by my question.
“Okay,” I finally say, convincing myself it’s the right thing to do.
“Okay—as in you’ll come?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“It’s a long way to travel only to have you working the whole time. Plus, I have work I need to do before school starts.”
“Work on the plane. You can do tours and sightsee. Frankfurt has lots of culture.”
“You’re right.” I force some excitement into my voice. “It’ll be fun.”
“It will. I’ll have Sunday off, so we’ll at least have a day off to explore together.”
I hear the doorbell and pad barefoot through the house to answer it. “That’ll be f—”
I open the door as I talk and my sentence ends when I see who’s standing on the other side. As soon as I think I’ve figured it all out, I’m thrown for another loop.
I clear my throat. “Can I call you back?” My eyes are on the man at the door as I speak into the phone.
“That’s okay. I need to get back to work.”
“See you tonight.” I end the call without tearing my eyes from Mark. Four days felt like a lifetime now that he’s standing in front of me again, but I hold onto all the reasons why he’s bad for me as I stare at him. “What are you doing here?”
His eyes are shadowed and his stubble is scruffy. He looks dark and dangerous standing on my porch in jeans and a black shirt. I catch a whiff of his sandalwood scent on a gentle breeze, and it takes me immediately back to his bed…to Brian’s bed. I rub at my nose to force the scent away.
“I had to see you.” His eyes are forlorn and he’s almost convincing me. But I can’t—I can’t do this to Brian. Not again. I won’t.
“Why?” I whisper. Heat stings behind my eyes.
“Because I had to go to LA for the past few days and I think I might be in—” The jarring ring of my cell phone interrupts him. We both look at the device in my palm. I glance at the screen. “Ignore it.”
“It’s your brother.” I accept the call and look back at Mark. Pain is evident in those green depths—pain because I took the call or because it’s his brother calling me or because I’m not inviting him into my home. “Hello?”
“Sorry for calling right back, but I just realized I have a meeting at six. Is it okay if we meet at the restaurant?”
“You could’ve texted.”
“I know. I just wanted to hear your voice again.”
A part of me melts at that, just as it should. The other part of me stands torn as I stare at the man on my front porch. “Sure. That’s fine.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“You too.” The “L” word feels strange on my tongue in front of Mark, so I don’t say it. I hang up and turn away from the door. Mark steps through it and shuts it behind him.
“I can’t keep doing this,” I say. I keep my body turned away from him and my eyes off him. “I need you to just leave me alone.”
“I need that, too. God, do I need that.” His voice is edged with sincerity and pain. “Believe me.”
“Why haven’t you been in touch?” I ask, still facing away from him. I realize my words might give him the hope he�
�s seeking, but they’re out before I can stop them, and my voice comes out as much more of a challenge than I intend it to.
“I didn’t want our first contact to be a fucking text message.” He moves in behind me and digs his fingers into my hips. He lowers his voice to a whisper, his breath warm against my ear, and my body tingles with need for him as butterflies race around my stomach. “I needed to tell you in person that you’re my every waking thought. You’re the air I breathe. You’re somehow in my blood, a venom infecting my body.” He leans down from my ear and presses a soft kiss to my neck, and I stiffen despite the tumultuous shudders racing through my spine. “I can’t stay away.”
“Mark, you can’t say those things to me.” I force the weariness into my tone. I won’t give into him. I’ll stand strong for Brian. He’s my choice. “I’m with your brother.”
“Leave him. Be with me.”
I spin around to face him, and I force myself back a step so his skilled and talented hands aren’t heating my body any longer. So his lips aren’t within range of my skin. “So you can win some game between the two of you?”
He shakes his head, his eyes full of regret. “That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what’s it about?”
“It’s about not allowing potentially the best thing that could ever happen get away.”
“I already told you. I can’t do this.” I’m trying for a firm disposition, but I feel my strength slipping away under Mark’s scrutinizing gaze. “I’m going to Germany with Brian next week.” My voice is flat and devoid of emotion.
“Don’t go. Stay with me.” His eyes are pleading with me, and I have to fight against him with everything inside me. “Give me a shot to win you over.”
My heart slices in two as I say the words I’m supposed to say. “It’s not about winning or losing, Mark. It’s about doing what’s right.”
“Staying with my brother is what’s right?”
“I don’t know, but seeing you when he’s not around certainly isn’t.”
He closes the small gap between us and places his hands back on my hips. “What about the other night?” His voice is low and sultry, reminiscent of my favorite Vail ballad, and I nearly give into him.
I close my eyes, intent on fighting this—fighting him. Intent on being faithful to Brian. My boyfriend. Because that’s what he deserves…what we deserve.
