“I don’t think the Princesse would have thought like that.”
“My dear Kate, how can you ever know what is going on in other people’s minds? Now try and sleep. When you are rested you will be able to take a clearer view of all this. Then we’ll talk again.”
“If I could believe …”
“You can believe. I tell you, you can. I know. I can see it so clear.
I really knew her better than anyone else here. She was open with me.
She confided in me. I knew something of what was in her mind. She has taken her life because she thought it was the best thing for herself . and for others. I see it clearly. “
I wish I could. “
“You will… and when this has all blown over … you are going to be happy. I promise you.”
“You are wonderful, Clare, You comfort me … as you comforted my father.”
I took her draught. It did enable me to get a few hours’ of sleep, but I was awake early and I trembled to contemplate what the day would bring forth.
There was much coming and going at the castle all during the morning.
I did not go out. I could not bear to. Jeanne took Kendal out walking in the woods.
Rollo come that morning. He looked very serious but I could not guess what he was thinking.
Clare, who had been in her room, came down dressed for going out.
She left us together.
I said: “Rollo, this is terrible. How could it have happened?”
“She killed herself. She took the leap. You know how unstable she was.
Why are you looking at me like that? “
He came towards me, but I shrank back.
“You are thinking .. he began.
I did not speak.
He went on slowly: “I know. It is what some people will think. It’s not true, Kate. I did not see her at all during yesterday. She went out alone. I was here all day.”
“You … you wanted her out of the way,” I heard myself say.
“Of course I wanted her out of the way. She was stopping us … I knew you would never really want to come while she lived. And now … she is gone.” He paused for a few moments, then he went on: “She killed herself. It was suicide.”
“But why? How?”
“Why? She was always sorry for herself, saying she had nothing to live for. She has talked of doing it many times … and now she has.”
“I wish …”
“What do you wish? Are you telling me that you don’t believe me? Say it, Kate. Say you think I did it. You think she went to that spot … as she generally did. You think I followed her there.”
“Did you … once before … and find me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he admitted.
“I wanted to get away from the castle and talk to her quietly. I always knew we were overheard. I wanted to meet her there … alone to talk to her … to reason with her …”
“And yesterday?”
“I have told you I did not see her yesterday. Why are you looking at me like that?”
He had taken me by the shoulders.
“Tell me what’s in your mind,” he said.
“I … I think it would be best… for all of us … if I went away.”
“Go away … now that we are free!” There was a look in his face which frightened me. I thought then: He killed her. He has to have his own way.
“It will be difficult,” I heard myself stammering.
“There will be questions … enquiries … So much is known about us. Whispers .. scandals … I should never have stayed here with Kendal. What will it be like for him here? Whatever happens there will be talk. There will be this shadow hanging over him. I must get away. That seems very clear to me now.”
“No, you shall not go. Now now.”
“You have always taken everything you wanted,” I told him.
“But there comes a point when you cannot go on. People cannot be brushed aside just because they have become an impediment.”
“You’re condemning me as a murderer, Kate.”
I turned away. I could not bear to look at him. He was angry now. He had my shoulders -igain and he shook them.
“Is that what you think of me?”
“I know you are ruthless.”
“I love you and the boy, and I want you with me for the rest of my life.”
“And she was in the way.”
“She was…”
“She will always be there. Don’t you see that? I shall never be able to forget her lying in that ravine … sent to her death.”
“Sent! It was her own wish.”
I shook my head sadly.
“There will be accusations.”
“People are always ready to accuse. Even you, Kate.”
“Please swear to me that you did not kill her.”
“I swear it.”
For a moment I allowed myself to slip into his embrace and to feel his kisses on my lips.
But I did not believe him. Everything he had done had shown me that he would always attempt to get his own way. Now he wanted me and Kendal and she had stood in the way. So she was now dead.
Whatever I said, whatever I did, she would always be there.
I said: “There could be a trial.”
“A trial of whom? Of me? My dearest Kate, this is a case of suicide.
Nobody would dare officially to accuse me of murder. What, here . in my own domain . and the country in turmoil, still struggling to set itself to rights! There is no fear of that. “
“What do you fear, then?”
“Only that you will leave me. I have nothing else to fear. She no longer wanted to live so she took her own life … and in doing so she has left me free. I had to see you, but I think it would be better if you didn’t come to the castle just yet. One of the maids can bring William here for his lessons. This unpleasant business will soon blow over. I shall come here to see you, Kate. Tell me that you love me.”
“Yes,” I said, “I’m afraid I do.”
“Afraid? What are you afraid of?”
“Of so much.”
“In time, we’ll build something, you and I. I’ll have what I have always wanted … one whom I could truly and wholeheartedly love .. and the children we shall have together.”
“I wish it could be so.”
“It shall be. It can be now. I promise you.”
I wanted to believe him. I tried to force myself to believe him. I said to myself: We will live through the difficult days and ahead of us there will be the happiness which we both want.
But the terrible misgivings stayed with me and I knew that forever she would be there between us, the shadowy third whose death had been the key to our own desires.
Clare came to sit by my bed that night. She said: “I heard you tossing and turning and I made another little draught for you. You mustn’t get into the habit of wanting them, though.”
“Thank you, Clare.”
“What did he say today?”
“That he didn’t do it.”
“Of course he didn’t. She did it herself ” That was what he said. But even if it were true, he drove her to it. he and I together. “
“No. She drove herself. I’ve told you so many times how well I knew her, how she confided in me. She saw that it was the best way. She would never have been happy. She had decided against making a try to be so a long time ago. Invalidism appealed to her. She had a child but she neglected him. Some women could have found happiness in him. I think she saw all that at the end. She thought hers was rather a worthless life and that others could gain so much from her departure from it.”
“I knew her too, Clare, and I don’t think she would have reasoned that way. If she would have done, why should she deny Rollo the divorce he wanted? No, I think she was looking for revenge on him. Why should she have taken her life to make it easier for him? A divorce would have been enough to give him his freedom.”
“Well, divorce is not considered a true break-up
of marriage in some quarters. The Baron wanted there to be no suggestion that his sons were not recognized as legitimate … everywhere.”
“But his son is illegitimate.”
“When you are married he’ll get him made legitimate. That can be done.”
“William is recognized as his son.”
“And isn’t.”
“Oh, it’s all so involved … so tragically involved. I don’t think I could ever be truly happy. I should always see her lying there. I should never be able to forget her, and in my heart I would always suspect that my happiness had come through … murder.”
“I believe you have convinced yourself that he killed her.”
“Not convinced … but-and I would tell no one else but you— I should always wonder. Others would too. It would be a shadow to haunt our lives. We should never be free from her. It would affect our love for each other. We should be haunted … haunted, Clare, forever. I think I ought to get right away. I want to take Kendal with me.”
“He will never be happy away from here.”
“He will learn in time. I shall have to deceive him just at first. I think I shall tell him that we are going back for a holiday … let him think that we are coming back here.”
“And you will come back?”
“No, I shall try to start afresh. I shall find somewhere in London.
Rollo must never know where. I can’t go back to
Collison House with you. I shall have to have somewhere where Rollo cannot find me. “
“If.he did, he would persuade you that what you are doing is wrong.”
“Do you think it is wrong, Clare?”
“Yes, I do. You have a right to happiness. You can be happy. You love him. I know what he did to you. I know the sort of man he is … but he is the man you love. Kendal adores him and he is his father. He’ll never be happy away from him. He is too old to get over it now. He will always remember and yearn for him.”
“He must forget… in time.”
“I tell you he will never forget his own father.”
“He didn’t know he had one for a long time.”
“You are contemplating doing the wrong thing. You should take what happiness is offered you. There will be a difficult time to follow, perhaps, but that will be forgotten and then you will come into your own. I long to see you as Madame la Baronne … and Kendal happy .. and little William … he’ll be overjoyed. You should be happy, Kate. We’re put into this world to be happy. I promised your father that if ever it was in my power to make you happy. I would do everything possible.”
“You have, Clare.”
“Yes, I have. And now you are talking of throwing away this chance. I want to see you happy before I go.”
“Dear Clare, you are so good. You care so much for others … and make their problems yours. But I know myself, and I think I know best about this. I am never going to be happy with this shadow between us.”
“Because in your heart you believed that he killed her?”
“I can’t stop myself. The doubt will always be there. I can’t live with it. I have made up my mind. I am going to start afresh.”
“He will never permit it.”
“He won’t know how to stop it. I want you to help me. I am going to slip away… quietly. And then I shall lose myself in England.
Somewhere where he will never be able to find me. “
“You will let me know where you are?”
“When I have found a place I will write to you at Collison House, but you will have to promise to keep my secret. Will you?”
“I will do anything for you, you know.”
“Then you will help me now?”
“With all my heart,” she said solemnly.
When I awoke in the morning I was certain I had come to the right decision, though I had never felt so unhappy in the whole of my life.
I realized only now how deep my feelings for this man had gone. There would never be another in my life. I would dedicate everything to my child, but I knew that he would never forget and perhaps continue to blame me for taking him from the father he had grown to love and admire more than anyone in the world. And when he no longer saw the Baron, I knew that the picture he retained of him would grow more and more splendid.
I saw the weary years stretching ahead, bereft of joy. I must start a new life. The plan was beginning to evolve. 1 must make my way to London, find lodgings there until I could find a studio in which to work. All I had to recommend me was my father’s name. That counted for something. But would the success I had had in Paris have been heard of?
That was what I had to discover. So I must slip away from here secretly. I wondered how I was going to get Kendal to come with me. He was no longer a small child-in fact he was old for his years, and already I could see Rollo in him. But I had to find some way of getting him to leave quietly. Clare would help me.
One thing was certain. Rollo must not know, for if he did he would do everything he could to prevent me. But I must go. Of that I was certain.
I walked round the moat and looked at the castle. I would remember it always in the years to come. There would be a perpetual ache in my heart and a longing for something that never could be.
Marie-Claude dead had driven as big a rift between us as she ever had alive.
My thoughts were in turmoil when I returned to the Loge. It seemed quiet and empty. Kendal and Jeanne were not there. Nor, it seemed, was Clare.
I went up to my room to take off my cloak and there lying on my bed was an envelope addressed to me. It was in Clare’s handwriting.
Puzzled, I took it up and slit the envelope. There were several sheets of paper inside.
I read the opening words. They danced before my eyes. I could hardly believe I was not dreaming. I seemed to be plunging deeper and deeper into nightmare.
My dearest Kate [she had written], I have been up all night trying to work out how to do what I must do. I realized when we talked last night what I had to do. It seemed that there was only one way.
Marie-Claude did not commit suicide. She was murdered and I know who killed her. “
Let me explain to you. I have always been the sort of person who had little life of her own. I always seemed to be on the edge of things looking in. I loved hearing of people’s lives. I loved sharing them.
I was grateful to be taken in and allowed to. I grew so fond of them.
I have been deeply fond of many people. none like you and your father though, because you brought me right into your family . you made me one of you . and gave me more of a life of my own than I had ever had.
I do want you to understand me. I know you think you do, but you don’t really know the essential part of me and you have to if you are going to understand how everything happened. We all have hidden places.
Perhaps I haven’t any more than anyone else.
When I was young I had no life of my own . There was only my mother’s. I was with her all the time . reading to her . talking to her . towards the end doing everything for her. She was very ill and suffered a lot of pain. I loved her dearly. It was hard watching her. She wanted to die but she couldn’t. She just had to go on lying there suffering, waiting for the end. It is unbearable watching someone you love suffer, Kate. I thought constantly of how I could alleviate her pain. One night, I gave her an extra dose of the painkilling medicine the doctor had given her. She died peacefully then. I didn’t regret it. I knew I had done the right thing. I was happy because I had done that and saved her from the terrible nights of pain.
Then I came to you and you were all so warmhearted and you accepted me in Evie’s place and you seemed to be so fond of me. I loved the life.
It was so different from what it had been. I was fond of everyone in the village. Such nice good kind people . particularly the twins.
I was drawn to them . mainly because of Faith. Poor Faith, she wasn’t happy, was she? She was always afraid. I suppose we all have a certain amount of fear in us, but Fait
h had a double share ‘because she had her sister’s as well. I knew she was very unhappy and tried to hide it because she didn’t want to spoil everything for her sister.
Did you know at one time Hope almost decided not to marry because she knew it would break that close tie between herself and her twin? She was desperately worried about how Faith would get on without her. They were like one person. Well,
Faith wasn’t happy. Hope wasn’t happy . but when Faith wasn’t there, Hope could be. They used to confide in me, both of them . so I saw the picture from both sides.
There was that spot, you remember. Rather like the one here. That dangerous drop. What was it called? Brackens Leap? Well, I talked with Faith. We walked together and we talked and we talked . and there we were looking down. I didn’t plan it. It just came to me that it was the right thing to do. And it was. Hope is very happy now. Those lovely children she’s got, they are charming. It’s such a happy family. And they visit the grandparents, and all the tragedy is forgotten now . because joy came out of it. Faith is forgotten now as you would have forgotten the Baronne.
Then there was your father. He pretended to come to terms with his blindness, but he never did really. I knew him so well and I knew how sad he was. Once he broke down and told me what the loss of his sight meant to him.
“I am an artist,” he said, and I am going into a dark, dark world. I shan’t see anything . the sky . the trees . the flowers and you and Kate and the boy . ” I knew his heart was broken. I knew that to take his eyes away from an artist was about the most cruel thing life could do. One day he said to me, ” Clare, I’d be better off dead. ” Then I knew what I had to do. I remembered how easy it had been with my mother.
And that brings me to the Baronne. She wasn’t happy. She never would have been. She looked inward all the time . to herself. She didn’t see anyone but herself very much. That poor little William . he was so neglected and unhappy . until you came with Jeanne and Kendal.
The Demon Lover Page 37
