by Renee Dyer
Who would have thought it would be so tiring to act happy?
Walking into my place, I slap my keys down on the table by the door. As I’m greeted by the picture of Adriana and me that I put there, my heart stops like it does every night. I keep telling myself that I’m going to put it away, but every time I try, I can’t take the idea of not seeing her beauty. It’s too final. I need to believe, if only in a small corner of my heart, that someday I’ll run into her again and that spark we share will flare into so much more.
I pick up the picture and study it for a minute. It’s my favorite picture of us. Most people want the picture where you’re both facing the camera smiling, but we’re not looking at the camera at all. I’m lying on my back on the beach with her lying on my chest. My head is back, giving the impression of me basking in the sun, but I’m really relishing in this gorgeous woman being in my arms. My mind was frantically trying to process how to keep her with me, trying to figure out how I fell for her so fast and how to not screw things up. I was wondering if she could hear how quickly my heart raced at her touch. She was my undoing and it was all captured in that image.
Tracing my finger over the glass, over her face, I remember how her wet hair felt in my hands, how her arms felt wrapped around my side. I miss feeling her body pressed against mine. If Alahna hadn’t been taking these pictures for us, I would have taken her on the beach that day. I couldn’t get enough of her. Every time I see this picture, I want her all over again.
Will you ever stop haunting me? I mentally ask her image as I place the picture back on the table, still not ready to put it away.
Chapter Seven
Adriana
I stand in front of my mom’s house, nervous about ringing the bell. I shouldn’t be nervous, but it’s my first visit since I met Tucker. I’ve never stayed away from my mom this long. I’ve talked to her on the phone, but I kept the conversations short, not knowing how to explain the relationship I had with him. She hasn’t dated anyone since my dad died and I’m not sure how she’ll feel about Tucker and I. It shouldn’t matter now that he’s out of my life, but it does. I’ve never kept anything from her before. I’ve always been able to go to her for advice and tell her anything, but this time I don’t feel like I can and I’m not sure why.
My fingers shake as I ring the bell. With shot nerves, I walk in as is customary. “Hey, Ma,” I yell out.
“Hey, baby girl. I’m in the kitchen. Come on back.” I chuckle knowing that’s where she would be. Growing up, she was rarely anywhere else and I always loved being in there with her.
“You need to stop calling me that. It’s rubbing off on my friends,” I tease as I walk through my childhood home, trying to ease my frayed nerves. The smell of goodies baking wafts through the house and a sense of home overcomes me.
This is why I came here.
Walking up behind her, I wrap my arms around her waist and put my chin on her shoulder. She always smells like cinnamon. She has since I was little and that smell brings me comfort. I’m not sure why I’ve been dreading seeing her. Mom makes everything better. She always has. Letting out a small sigh of contentment, I let go of her.
She turns to look at me and, as always, I’m amazed at how pretty she still is. I get my tiny frame and strawberry hair from her, but her eyes are bright green just like Alex’s were. I love how her hair falls to her shoulders in layers. It’s a new cut, much shorter than she used to keep it. It makes her appear younger and frames her face beautifully. She’s never been one to wear a lot of make-up. A little mascara and blush, maybe a light lip-gloss. Enough to brighten her face, she would tell me, but she really doesn’t need it. My mom is naturally beautiful. She always has been. Her skin has a sun-kissed tone that I was jealous of growing up. I get that tone in the summer, but in the winter, I pale out and it frustrates me. Not my mom. She looks like she’s touched by the sun all year. She’s not dark, just lightly kissed, the perfect tone of golden to compliment her hair and eyes.
“I’ve been missing my girl,” she says. There’s no judgment, no accusation in her tone. It’s simple honesty. I’ve missed her, too.
I walk back into her arms, needing the comfort only a mom can give. Her cinnamon smells wraps around me and I can’t stop the smile that breaks out on my face. “I’ve missed you, too, Mom.” I feel a little stronger with just being in her presence. This is what I needed.
She lets me go and looks me over. I know she notices the weight I’ve lost, but she doesn’t say anything. For that, I’m grateful.
“Why don’t you get us some drinks? I made some Caesar salad that’s cooling in the fridge. We can go sit and catch up till then.”
Her smile is like sunshine and it warms me to my soul. It makes me feel like everything will be alright. My mom has a way of making my pain not hurt so much. It’s so familiar being in her kitchen, grabbing glasses, and going into the refrigerator. I know she’ll want iced tea without asking her.
I bring our drinks to the living room with her following me. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. Sitting down, a peace washes over me. I’m home, here with her. Nothing can hurt me when I’m with her.
“So, you want to tell me why you stayed away so long, baby girl?” She has her hand on my knee and she’s smiling at me. There’s no anger on her face and I love her for that. I wait for the ache to crush me, but it doesn’t. It feels like her strength is pouring into me.
“You know about Tucker?” It’s a weak question, but I’m not sure where to start.
“Of course I do. Adrian came here after he left your house the day he met him.” I see mischief cross her eyes, a twinkle that tells me they had a hell of a conversation.
“That rat. He’s never been able to keep a secret. Always trying to get me in trouble.” I try to sound angry, but my small laugh gives me away.
“More like he was worried about you, sweetheart. That boy loves you more than anything in this world. I think more than me even.” Her smile gets bigger and I know she means that. Adrian and I do have a bond that is unbreakable. I don’t know if it’s the twin thing, but you hurt one of us and the other goes ballistic. I want to tell her neither of us could ever love anyone more than her, but it’s a different love so I keep my mouth shut.
She watches me a few minutes more. Maybe she senses my apprehension over talking about Tucker. I just don’t know where to start.
“You want to tell me about him? Are you still talking to him?”
I shake my head no. “I had to let him go, Mom. It was for the best.” My heart does ache this time. It aches for all that I’ve lost, but I don’t cry.
“Best for whom?” Her face is filled with compassion and understanding, like she knows my heart is shattered. I wish she didn’t know what a broken heart feels like, but I know she does. I’m sure she misses my dad every day. The oven timer dings and I remember she had something cooking. She had taken something from the oven and put something else in when I got here. I was so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t paid attention. “Hold that thought for one second,” she says with her patented mom smile.
I smile watching her walk away. The sound of her in the kitchen evokes so many happy memories from my childhood. She is the reason I love cooking. I get up, planning to see if I can help her with anything, when I see her walking back toward me, a plate of cookies in hand.
“I thought we could have dessert first today. Chocolate chip cookie?”
My heart stops and I’m not aware that I’m falling to the floor until I hear the plate of cookies smash. My mom rushes to my side and pulls me into her arms as I turn into a sobbing mess once again. When will this stop? Chocolate chip cookies? That was my trigger this time. And all because of a note Tucker left me telling me they are his favorite cookie. I remember the line he wrote, that sometimes the best things in life are the simple pleasures. I read that line and thought, I want him to simply pleasure me.
My mom is rocking me back and forth as I cry and I wish that were enough. I thought n
othing could hurt me in this place, with her here. I was so wrong. All of my pain crashed down on me over a Goddamn plate of cookies. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get past this?
“Mom, make it stop please. I can’t take hurting like this anymore.” I beg her to take my pain away. I want her to make me feel better like when I was a little girl. It’s irrational, but I’m so tired of being wrecked all the time.
“Oh, baby girl. If I could, I would take it all away for you. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on so I can try to help.” Her voice sounds panicked and I feel awful. My normally joyful mom sounds sad and lost and it’s all my fault. Still, I can’t pull myself together.
“I’ve lost them both. I’ve lost all of them and I’m never going to be whole again. I’m a mess.” I slam the words out, afraid that if I don’t say them fast, I’ll never be able to. I feel her arms tense around me and guilt swamps me. This isn’t her problem. This is why I stayed away.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have.”
“Adriana Marie Monroe, you stop right there.” My mom puts her firm voice on and I know I had better listen. “I asked you to talk to me and that means I want you to be honest even if it means I have to hear you say things that might hurt. Don’t you dare apologize for that. Now, let’s get to the bottom of your heartache so we can get my girl feeling better.”
If I weren’t in so much pain, I would have laughed at the spitfire wrapped around me. “Tell me about Tucker and why it’s best you don’t talk to him anymore. It’s obvious to me that you’re still hung up on him.”
I look up at her, confused. I don’t know how she could know that. I’ve never spoken to her about Tucker. “Alex liked eating, but peanut butter cookies were his favorite. You freaked out over the chocolate chip ones I brought out. I’m guessing that had to do with Tucker.” I nod my head yes, but make no move to get off the floor. She doesn’t either. “Okay then. Let’s talk this out.” I see the determination on her face and somehow it makes me feel better.
“He was wonderful mom.” I don’t know why that was the first thing I say about Tucker. Maybe I need her to know that or maybe I want her to like him. I’m not sure. “He made me smile when no one else could. But, the closer he got to me, the more I felt like I was using him to feel Alex.” I look at her again to see if she’s disappointed. What I see is tears in her eyes, tears of understanding. She gives me a nod that says she knows exactly what I mean and I feel like she’s going to be the first person to really hear what I say. I feel the first crack in my heart start to mend.
“I felt like he was filling in the hole that Alex left. He would have breakfast with me and make meals like Alex would. He even played the X-box and let me lie in his lap while I read my Kindle. It was too much like me and Alex. I found myself looking for those moments and comparing the two of them. And when things got um…” Oh God, was I really going to admit this to my mom? “Intimate, I would leave him to go to my room where I could talk to Alex. I talk to him every night. He doesn’t talk back. It’s not like that. I’m not crazy.” I rush the words out.
“I talk to your dad sometimes, too.”
“You do?”
“Of course. Sometimes things will happen that remind me of him and I start talking to him or I swear I feel him in the room with me, so I say hi or tell him I still love him. Baby girl, it’s normal to talk to our loved ones after they aren’t with us anymore.”
“But, it’s not normal to treat the new person in your life like they’re your dead husband. That’s why I let him go. I couldn’t hurt him anymore.”
She doesn’t speak for a few minutes and I wonder what she’s thinking. Her silence is nerve-wracking. I want her to tell me what to do.
“How do you feel now that he’s gone? Do you miss him any less?” I don’t need any time to think about her question. I know how I feel because it’s all I think about. I miss Tucker all the time. It torments me day and night. I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder what he would do if I showed up on his doorstep. I wonder if he found another woman to make him feel better.
“I miss him more every day that I’m away from him, but it doesn’t change anything, Mom. Being in my life means I’ll hurt him. I have to give up Alex to be with him and I’m not ready to do that.”
“Did he ask you to give up Alex?”
“Uh, no.” I don’t understand why she’s asking me this.
“Adriana, love is complicated, but it’s also precious. Don’t turn your back on it so soon. You’ll find your balance. I promise.”
“But, he said goodbye to me because I pushed him away.” I hear how the sadness has crept back into my voice. She must have too because she hugs me tighter.
“Trust me, sweetheart, it will work out if he’s as wonderful as you say. You’re the only one standing in the way of you being happy. Let’s get off this hard floor and have some lunch. Luckily I have another batch of cookies, so we can gorge on sweets too.” I love that she’s being playful about the broken plate and ruined cookies on the floor. I feel guilty enough, but her “I don’t care” attitude is definitely helping. I tell her I’ll get the broom if she gets the salads. Her smile warms my heart and dries my tears.
How do moms always know how to make it all better?
Over lunch, I tell her about Tucker. How gorgeous he is. She already knows that from his movies, but she lets me tell her anyways. I keep talking about his eyes, those damn blue eyes that always draw me in until I can’t see anything else. She didn’t know about all of his tattoos and that doesn’t thrill her. She has never been a fan of them, but I think they add to his masculinity and sex appeal.
If she’s surprised that I offered to let him stay in my house the first day I met him, she doesn’t say anything about it. She listens intently as I tell her how Victoria betrayed him and how he ended up in New Hampshire. I explain that I thought he would be safe at my place. Even to my own ears, it sounds lame. Looking back, I realize I was lonely and the second I saw Tucker there was an attraction. It grew the moment he touched me and I felt that first spark. I was a goner from there. I don’t tell Mom that. There are some things she doesn’t need to know. She doesn’t need to know how one touch from him set me on fire and how thinking about it now has me wishing he were here.
We get laughs from his notes, well some of his notes. I tell her about the not so happy parts of his life he shared with me too, needing someone to see the incredible man that I saw. He overcame so much heartache to become the successful man she sees on the big screen. I gush over how he always made things about me even if I didn’t realize that until he was gone.
I see it now.
My mom listens to every word. She never interrupts or makes me feel crazy for how I feel. She lets me talk until I’m all talked out. And when I am, I look at her with a smile. I feel better than I have in months. I’m not perfect or healed. I’m not whole or over my broken heart from Tucker or Alex, but I feel like I can face myself a little better. I feel like a new woman is emerging from the shadows.
We make plans to have dinner and catch a movie soon and I realize I’m really looking forward to that. I need to stop avoiding things that remind me of couples. I’ll never get over anything if I lock myself in a bubble. Holding my head up, I’m proud of myself for the first time in a long time as I gather my purse and keys and start to say goodbye.
“Remember what I said, baby girl.” She waits to speak, making sure she has my full attention. “You are the only one standing in the way of you being happy.”
I smile a big smile at her because I actually understand what she means. I have been my own worst enemy and it’s time I stop that. I may have lost Alex and Tucker, but I’m determined to not let the next opportunity that comes my way pass me by.
Crawling into bed, I look back at my day, at my visit with my mom, and I can’t help but smile. I know I have a long way to go before I’m not a complete mess, but at least I don’t feel like falling apart. I still have Alex’s t-shirt in bed with
me and I know that I need to make the next step to stop sleeping with it, but tonight isn’t that night. It still comforts me to have a piece of him with me through the night. I tell myself I’ll stop spraying his cologne on it, but his scent wrapped around me as I drift off to sleep is my only solace in a world of misery since he left. I’ve tried to break the cycle, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful. I’m hoping I’ll be strong enough soon.
“I went to Mom’s today. She told me something I needed to hear. She said I’m the only thing standing in the way of me being happy. She’s right. She’s always right.” I stare at the empty side of the bed where he used to lie and hate that I can’t conjure his image anymore. I haven’t been able to for weeks and I miss him. I miss the real nighttime conversations we shared and having a life with my best friend. He was my everything.
“It wasn’t always that way though, was it Alex? I wanted you to be mine, but you kept me at arm’s length for so long, telling me we were just friends. I almost gave up on you. Do you remember the night that you finally admitted you loved me all along? Do you remember how it all played out? It’s a night I’ll never forget for as long as I live.” Lying back on my pillow, I let my mind wander back to our sophomore year in college, to the night that changed everything for Alex and me.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I can’t stop my hands from shaking as I brush through my long hair again. I want to look perfect when Lucas picks me up for dinner tonight. I can’t believe I’m going on a date with Lucas Towle. So many girls fight for his attention, but he asked me out. I wish Alahna were here to tell me if I look alright. It’s mid-April and the nights get cold, but I want to look sexy so I throw on a white tank under a fitted, lavender, button-up shirt that I button halfway. I’m trying to give myself a little lift in the boob area, but it’s not easy with what I have to work with. I’ve chosen to pair it with tight jeans and cowboy boots.
I keep looking at my boots, wondering if Lucas will like them. I’m a New Hampshire girl through and through, but I have a serious obsession with my cowboy boots. Most people don’t understand it around these parts. Again, I find myself irritated that Alahna chose to take off with Preston instead of helping me get ready for my first date. My first date. I think I’m going to be sick.
