by Renee Dyer
“Giddy up, baby,” she yells out. “Oh my God. Josh is fucking fine. I mean F-I-N-E, motherfucking fine! How the hell does Kelly write these men to be so mouthwatering, ‘I want to lick my kindle to get at them’ hot? And Heather, don’t even get me started on how much I love her. But, what about the bitches in that book? Two of them, really? It isn’t enough when I want to jump in my kindle and kick one bitch’s ass. There had to be two of ‘em. I almost wrote to Kelly on Facebook to ask her if she was trying to kill me I was getting so riled up.”
I watch, thoroughly amused as she goes on for several minutes about the characters she loves. Ari’s fiery personality, Jefferson’s hot ass, Ellie’s sweet side, and Gunner the romantic; she talks about each of them. Her face lights up with excitement talking about her favorite series. And, of course, she talks about how the books would never be complete without Grams and Gramps. I chuckle at her quips and nod my head along with her. The book was amazing.
“Did you see what she did for my Ellie though?” I hear how she chokes up. Alahna has a soft spot for Ellie’s character. She has since the moment she read Wanted. She’s peering at me, looking to see if I understand what she’s asking.
“Do you think it’s time for you to make a call yet, Alahna?”
She shakes her head sadly. “It will never change. They’ll never change, Adri.”
I take her hand in mine and give it a squeeze. “If you ever change your mind, I’ll be there with you. You don’t have to do it alone.” She gives me a slight nod of her head, but the memories that haunt her don’t leave her eyes. Luckily, it’s time to open shop so it will give her something different to focus on.
Right before lunch, a large floral arrangement is delivered. I smile at the sight of it and Alahna catches me. “First day back and Tucker is sending you flowers already. That man wants to make sure you know he misses you.”
“Actually, I had them sent here.” I see the confusion on her face. A knot forms in my stomach, but there’s no reason to keep where I’m going a secret. “They’re for Alex. I’m going to see him during lunch. Don’t worry, I’ll be back for the next client.”
I can see the surprise flicker across her face. It’s obvious she doesn’t know what to say at first. She fidgets from foot to foot, looks from the flowers to me. “Do you want me to go with you?” I appreciate the sentiment, but this is something I need to do alone.
“Thank you. But, I think I need to be by myself. I have some things I need to say to Alex.” She nods her head, but I can tell she isn’t sure about letting me go. That’s on me. I’ve been lost for so long, broken and unreachable. I’ve left my friends watching a shell of me walking around that they couldn’t touch or be close to. It’s time I start repairing all of that.
And, it all starts today with Alex…
With a churning stomach, I pull up to the cemetery. I try to focus on it being a beautiful, sunny day. I know autumn will be here soon and it will turn cold, but today is the perfect September day: mid-seventies, light breeze. I park my car, look over to the flowers, and can’t stop the laughter that barrels from my throat.
The florist must have thought I was a lunatic when I ordered them. I asked for an arrangement with every kind of flower she had in stock and to do her best to make it look presentable. She did that. It’s stunning, the colors so vibrant and every shade imaginable shines through. Alex was always trying to find my favorite flower. Today, I want to give him back all of them. I know they will wilt away in a couple days, but I plan to come back and plant a shrub that will grow here year round. I needed something today that represented him and me. These flowers are perfect.
Grabbing the flowers, I start the walk to his plot. Each step closer to where I know he’s buried brings me a mixture of pain and freedom. I stop in front of his headstone and instead of breaking down like I always thought I would, I smile. “Hi, baby,” I say as I bend down and place the flowers at the base of his headstone. I take a second to run my hand along the stone and the grass, needing to feel the area where he’s been laid to rest. It’s still so surreal to me that this is where he is.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come see you.” I have to stop for a second and think of what to say to him. “I thought if I came to see you that I would fall apart and never be able to pick the pieces back up. I’ve been barely living since you’ve been gone. I don’t say this to upset you, I just want you to understand why I haven’t been here to see you.”
I look around the cemetery at the manicured grounds. I look at the different headstones and just like when I was with Tucker at this mother’s grave, I notice the items loved ones have brought. Guilt swamps me. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner, Alex. I should have. I brought you flowers. I hope you like them. I asked the florist to put all of my favorites in there. I know how much you loved surprising me with flowers.”
It seems so strange telling him about the flowers and I’m not sure this is what I want to be saying at all. I’m not really sure what I want to say. What do people say when they visit the people they lose?
“I heard a song the other day that made me think of you. Big surprise, right? You know me and how much music plays into my day. I’d be lost without it. I was driving and this song started playing. I wasn’t listening at first, but then the words started catching in my ears. She was singing about how six foot two was her favorite height and it instantly brought images of you to my mind. It made me think of hugging around your waist because it was easier than trying to reach around your neck. Damn me and my shortness,” I say on a small laugh.
“Then, she sang a line about green eyes and I could see your face. I felt like you were in the car with me. It took my breath away. I know you aren’t here anymore, Alex, but sometimes, things happen that make it seem like you never left. But, the thing in that song that got to me the most is when she sang about him marrying her on an April night. You know why that got to me, don’t you? Do you remember the night you asked me to marry you on April Fool’s?”
“April Fool’s Day? Really, Alex? That’s when you want to get married?”
“Actually, April Fool’s night, to be exact,” he says, grinning at me like he just won the lottery or something grand like that. I can’t tell if he’s joking or serious and I need to find out. He has to be kidding. April Fool’s… people will think our invitations are a joke. What the hell is he thinking?
“Alex, that has to be the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Can you imagine what people will think when they look at the invitations? No one will take them seriously. Our whole wedding will be a joke.”
“I’m sure we can word it in a way so they’ll know that we’re serious, babe. I want to marry you on April Fool’s. You get to plan the rest. Can’t I have this?” I look into his green eyes and all I see is love. I want to spend the rest of my life having him look at me with love shining from his eyes like it is now.
I smile at him and kiss him quickly. “Tell me why April Fool’s and then I’ll give you an answer.” I can’t imagine there’s anything he can say that will make me think getting married on that day is a good idea, but I’m willing to hear him out. He takes my hands in his and looks me straight in the eyes. The corners of his lips tilt into a smile and I know he plans to try to convince me to see things his way. I have to admit, I’m curious.
“Have you ever taken the time to experience how it feels when you laugh? I have. It’s pure joy. It’s a feeling of elation and it’s infectious to those around you. There’s nothing in this world more magical than your laughter. Watching you when you laugh and smile, Adri… it’s beautiful, baby. It’s when you’re your most beautiful. Marry me on April Fool’s and I promise to spend every anniversary, for the rest of our lives, making cheesy jokes and pranking you. I’ll do anything I can to see you laugh. Let me be the biggest joke of your life.”
I launch myself into his arms and wrap myself around him. “I love you, you sentimental fool. I’ll marry you whenever you want.”
He p
ulls my face back to look into my eyes with a smile so big on his face, his eyes are crinkled. “Are you sure?” I nod my head yes, overwhelmed with the emotions running through me. “I love you so much, Adri. I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how much.” He brings his lips to mine and as always, I’m lost the moment the softness of his skin touches mine.
I wipe a tear from my cheek and smile because I realize the tears I’m crying aren’t tears of pain. These are tears of happiness. That memory was one of my happiest memories of Alex and it didn’t bring me to my knees, praying for God to take me too. There is no panic attack. There is only peace. “Oh, Alex, now do you see why it has taken me so long to start moving on? You consumed all of me. You were the happiest parts of my life. Letting go of that was too much. And I didn’t know how to tell anyone that without hurting them, too. You were the person I would have said these things to, but when you left, I suddenly didn’t know who I was supposed to talk to anymore. Talking about you could only hurt. Hurt me. Hurt our friends. Our family. We all love you so damn much. Losing you broke us in ways I don’t know that we’ll ever come back from.”
I have to stop for a minute to catch my breath. I didn’t mean to say all of that. I don’t want him to feel guilty. It wasn’t his fault he left. It was never his fault. As much as I’m not angry at him, I am angry that he’s gone. Tucker’s right about that. Tucker… I want to tell Alex about him, but I don’t know where to start. A small part of me still feels like I’ve betrayed Alex with him. That part lessens each day. I know I’m allowed to move on, but sometimes it’s still hard to tell my heart that.
“That memory of you, of the day you asked me to marry you on April Fool’s, a few months ago, it would have broken me. I’ve come a long way. I often wonder if you can see that. If you can see me.” I wipe another tear away. I don’t even know why I’m crying now. I think it’s because I’m just realizing that I’m really here, at Alex’s grave. The full reality that he’s gone and never coming back is hitting me, and as much as it hurts, I’m okay. I’m not great, but I’m healing.
“Daughtry put out a new song that I just know you would love to pick on me about. It’s called Waiting for Superman. I think of so many things when that song comes on. All the times you and Pres tried to convince me that Batman was better than Superman because he’s just a man with gadgets and Superman is an alien with superpowers. The night you saved me from Lucas. That one time when you and I dressed up as Superman and Lois Lane for Halloween and the fun we had when we got home from the party. It still makes me blush sometimes thinking of that night. But, you were always my Superman, Alex. You always came back for me. Maybe that’s why I had such a hard time letting you go. I couldn’t believe you weren’t coming back for me.”
I sit down and start to run my fingers through the grass, needing that connection, knowing he’s down there. Knowing I’m not just talking to air. What I’m about to tell him is hard for me to say, especially to him, but he’s my best friend. He’s the one I want to talk to.
Taking a deep breath I start, “I thought there would only ever be one Superman in my life, but I was wrong. Someone has come into my life recently and he’s been saving me, little by little. He’s been saving me from myself. I’m not sure what you can see or if you can see me at all, but he told me a story about you being my guardian angel and I really want to believe that. I want to believe that you’re still here and you’re looking over me, Alex. If that’s true, you already know about Tucker. I’m sorry if it hurts you to see me with him. I tried to fight it, but he makes me happy. He makes me not hurt so much. And, he told me I never have to say goodbye to you. He understands that I love you. I don’t know if I ever would have come to see you if I hadn’t met him. I’m sorry to say that too, but it’s true. I was just so broken. Tucker is helping to fix that… fix me. I really think you’d like him.”
I don’t know what else to say so I sit in silence, my hand lying flat on the ground. I’m trying to force my love through the ground, down to Alex. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean there may not be some of his essence there still. I don’t know. If there is, I want him to know he will always have part of my heart.
I sit for a few minutes more before I know I have to get back to work. A serenity has come to me by being here. It feels like Alex has wrapped his arms around me, hugged me tight, and told me everything is going to be alright. I know that’s silly, but that’s what coming here has done for me. I put two fingers to my lips and then place them to his headstone. “Don’t worry, I won’t be a stranger,” I say before I walk away.
Chapter Twenty One
Tucker
“Hey, sweetness, how was your day?”
Her happiness slams into me through the phone and my jealousy does too. I want to be the one making her happy. I try to calm down, but being far away from her and still caring for Grams is making me a cranky asshole. I plop onto Grams’ couch and try not to let my bad mood waft through the phone lines to screw with her mood.
“It’s been a great day today, Tucker. I’ve been waiting for you to call so I can tell you all about it.”
“Well, I guess you better tell me then before you combust,” I joke, only half feeling the humor in my words. I’m trying, but our distance and knowing Mikos is nearby has my nerves frayed. It doesn’t help knowing I’m heading back to Vancouver tomorrow, leaving Grams in the hands of a bastard I don’t trust.
“I went to Alex’s grave today.” I almost drop the phone. This is what has her so happy. No wonder my jealousy kicked in. My gut was telling me something was up. I get it now. It’s always about him. When am I going to get that?
“Tucker, did you hear me?”
“Yeah, you said you went to Alex’s grave.” I can hear how miserable I sound, but I don’t have it in me to hide my feelings anymore. If she’s going to tell me how wonderful he is and how much she still loves him, then I want her to just get it over with. I can’t keep going down this road with her.
“I did say that, but I also said it was thanks to you that I was finally strong enough to take that step.”
Huh? What the hell do I have to do with her going to Alex’s grave?
A light chuckle sounds through the phone and I can hear her breathing. How I wish I were sitting with her, holding her as she tells me this. I wish I could see her face to see if she’s really okay or if she’s faking the excitement I hear. I can’t see how going to his grave is bringing her this joy when she has struggled to breathe most days since he died. “I watched you at your mom’s grave and it’s hard to explain, but you looked so… at peace. I think that’s the best way to describe it. There was a happiness that came over your face as you sat there talking to her. I looked around the cemetery and I realized it wasn’t as scary as I’ve been envisioning it to be.”
“Envisioning it? Adriana, are you telling me you haven’t been to Alex’s grave before today?” I don’t mean to cut her off, but I’m in shock from her words. With how in love she is with him, I figured she would have been going to see him daily. At least several times a week.
“Not since we buried him. It felt so final. I thought if I went there then I had to say goodbye to him, but then you told me I didn’t have to. It changed everything, Tucker. You made me see that I can always have my best friend in my life.” I can hear her smile through the phone and I want nothing more than to hug her. “It felt so good to talk to him. I talked about some memories of ours and admitted how much we all miss him and how hard it’s been to move on for everyone even though I didn’t mean to say that. I even told him about you. I’ve waited all this time to go there thinking I wouldn’t survive being there, but the tears I cried today were happy tears. They were for memories that made me smile and because I know whenever I need my best friend, I just need to get in my car and go see him. You gave me that, Tucker. Thank you.”
I don’t know what to say so I sit there silently. Her words roll through my head. She told Alex about me. She told Ale
x… about… me. Holy shit, she told Alex about me.
She must know I’m unable to process her words because she asks, “How’s Rose?”
I sigh, not because Grams isn’t getting better, but because I’m reminded that in the morning I’ll be leaving her with a person I don’t feel is capable of taking care of a piece of dirt. “She’s not as tired and she’s getting some of her spunk back, but I wish I didn’t have to head back to the show tomorrow. I don’t like leaving her with him.” I hear the malice in my voice when I say ‘him’.
“You have to trust that she’ll call you if she needs anything.” I know she’s right, but I worry that she won’t because she won’t want to drive the wedge further between Mikos and I. I don’t say this to Adriana, though. I don’t want to worry her. She made great progress in her healing today and I don’t want to dampen her spirits.
“I know, sweetness. I can’t help but worry about her. She’s all I’ve had for such a long time.”
“She’ll be okay. She’s a tough ole bird,” she jokes. I want to joke with her, but I can’t. Mikos being here has taken all the happiness from me.
“There is one good thing about getting back to Vancouver,” I say, mischief in my tone.
“Oh yeah?” she asks. “What would that be?”
“I can finally Skype with you because I won’t be around anyone else. You’ll have no excuses. Learn how to use it tomorrow because I want to see that beautiful face when I get back.” I smile and really feel it for the first time since she left to go back home. Knowing I’ll get to see her, even if it’s only through a computer screen, has me feeling twinges of, dare I think it… happiness.
“I promise, my electronically challenged self will be ready by tomorrow night. I miss you.”
“Miss you too, sweetness.”
We hang up the call. We never say goodbye. I’m not sure if it’s because of the first time we were in the airport together, but we have an unspoken agreement to not let those words pass our lips.
