by Renee Dyer
“I thought I ruined him. I thought he’d never be able to love. Thank God I was wrong.”
His back is to me, but I can still see the struggle it takes for him to say these words, hear it in the way they come out just barely above a whisper.
“You saved my boy, Adriana. I can never thank you enough.” He turns to me and the tears misting in his eyes almost cause me to cry. “He never deserved the life I gave him. He deserved so much better, but look at the man he turned out to be. I don’t know that he could have become that had I stayed. I was poison back then. I want you to know, I will spend every last breath I take making it up to him. I love him.”
It has been almost a week since Mikos said those words to me, but they still keep rolling through my head. He came here and bared his soul to his son. Took a chance that Tucker would throw him out and he’d never get the chance to tell him he was sorry. He made me realize I need to stop running too.
I told my therapist that it’s time to tell my friends about the babies and she seemed shocked that I was ready to take that step. In all honesty, I’m a little shocked that I’m going to do this tonight. But, it’s New Year’s Eve and what better way to ring in the New Year than starting fresh? It’s time to let go of the old demons that are holding me back and let myself live. My therapist agrees with my theory. I started seeing her back in the fall, shortly after losing it on Tucker. Not being able to talk to him about the twins without breaking down made me see that I was in need of help.
I didn’t tell Tucker that I plan to tell everyone. I don’t want to lose my nerve by talking about it twice. My stomach is in knots. Everyone will be here soon. We agreed to have a simple night at my house. We’re going to listen to music and play board games, have some drinks and snacks. Dee is due in a month and we thought it would be nice to do something low key for her.
My doorbell rings and every muscle in my body tightens. Tucker is still showering. He laid around after our last round of lovemaking. I wanted to, but I had appetizers to make. Always the good host. Now, I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed with him and forget what I have planned for tonight.
I open the door. “Hey, kid.” Pres walks in and scoops me into his arms, picking me up off the floor and squeezing me tight. I wrap my arms around him, trying to steal some strength from my tough guy friend. Guilt swamps me, knowing I’ll be telling him something that will break his heart in a little bit.
Before he puts me down, I plaster a smile onto my face. I don’t want to tip my hat. Alahna sees too much and she’s already eyeing me. I hug her and thank goodness Mick and Blake are already walking up the driveway before she can ask me anything. I walk around her and hug them too.
“Where’s Hot Stuff? You got him tied up somewhere?” Mick waggles her eyebrows at me and I laugh.
“He’ll be down shortly. He’s showering.”
“Can I peek? Just once?” she asks, gaining another giggle from me.
Dee and Kale show up as Tucker is coming down the stairs. The rest of us have already decided we’re playing Cards against Humanity. A customer told Alahna and me about it a few weeks back at a shoot so I bought it for her for Christmas. We’ve been dying to play it. Especially with Mick. We’ve heard it’s highly inappropriate and can be offensive. She should love it.
Several rounds of the game later with bellies full and more laughs than we can count, we’re ready to chill and watch the ball drop shortly. Music plays softly in the background. I know I have enough time to tell my friends and hopefully let them decide if they want to stay or leave before the New Year strikes. Before I can lose my cool, I stand up, needing the separation from Tucker to be able to do this, and clear my throat.
Everyone stares at me and I wonder if I can go through with this. My mind goes blank with other options of things to say. This must be what stage fright is like. My palms are sweaty and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I try reminding myself that these are all people I love. People who love me.
“What’s up, kid?” Oh, Pres, why did you have to be the one to ask? I look at him and his big brown eyes that normally comfort me, make me feel sadness and guilt. For that reason alone, I know I need to do this.
“Umm, there’s something I’ve been hiding from all of you. Something you should know, but I’ve been afraid to tell you. I’ve been so scared of what you’ll think.”
Tucker sits straight up. He knows what I’m going to say. He holds his hand out to me, telling me he wants to offer me comfort while I expose my deepest pain. My friends watch this exchange between us and I see fear on their faces. I grab his hand and he tugs, asking me to sit back down. I do and instantly I feel a little calmer. I thought I needed separation, but what I really needed is his strength.
“You’re sick, aren’t you, kid? What is it and how long has it been going on?” Preston looks ready to lose control.
“Oh God no, Pres. No, I’m not sick. It’s nothing like that.”
“Thank fuck. Don’t scare me like that. I can’t lose you, too. I’ve lost enough.”
His words hurt me more than anything he could say and I feel my heart start to break all over again. He’s lost enough. My best friend just said my fear out loud. What is he going to do when I tell him he’s already lost more and I never told him? I never gave him the chance to grieve.
Tucker squeezes my hand and I look over to him. He gives me a small nod and I take a breath. I just need that one second to steady myself before I let loose the storm.
“I was pregnant when the accident happened… with twins. They didn’t survive. I’m so sorry.” I rush the words out, afraid if I don’t say them quick, I won’t say them at all.
All my friends are silent, just staring at me. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. I think I expected them to be angry or upset that I didn’t tell them. To hate me for the loss of the pieces of Alex, but this silence is too much to bear. I want to ask what they’re thinking, but I’m too afraid.
A scream of pure distress echoes through the room, breaking me from my thoughts. I look up to see Pres storming toward me, tears streaming down his face. My ox of a friend who does everything to keep his emotions in check is sobbing uncontrollably. He falls to his knees and buries his face in my lap. Tucker stands up and walks over to everyone else. I can’t hear what he says, but one by one, everyone clears the room.
I run my hands over Pres’ back and let him cry. I’ve never, not in all the years growing up, no matter how shitty his life was, seen him break down. Pres is the epitome of tough guys, but here he is crying, and I don’t know what to do.
“Shh, Pres. It’s alright.”
He shakes his head no in my lap. “It’s not alright, Adri.” The words are mumbled against my legs. “It’s not fucking alright.”
Chapter Fifty Two
Preston
I did not just hear Adri right. Pregnant? She was going to have twins? She and Alex were going to be parents? Did he know? Why didn’t they tell me? They tell me everything. My head is spinning.
This is why Adri has been so fucked up. Losing Alex was devastating, but I knew it was more than that. I couldn’t figure out what. The way she shut down. I should have seen that there was more to her sadness. I should have seen that she needed me. I should have never let her push me away.
I failed her.
I’m so sorry, Alex. I told you I would take care of her when you couldn’t. Years ago, I made that pledge and I failed.
“Lucas tried to rape her, Pres. He fucking had her pinned down, and he was going to rape her. I lost it. I wanted to kill him for touching her.”
“Calm down, Alex. I took care of Lucas. He won’t ever touch her again. Actually, he’ll never come back to this school.”
“How’d you do that?”
“I made a deal with his parents. There’s stuff about their son they don’t want going public. Don’t worry. I won’t let him hurt her again.”
Alex paces back and forth in front of me. He keeps grabbing hi
s hair in his hands and I’m worried he might start ripping it out in handfuls. Stress shows in his eyes.
“She never should have been there, Pres. It’s my fault. I pushed her away and this happened. Now, I want to be with her every second and I know I can’t. It’s killing me. I just need to know she’s safe.”
“Don’t worry, man. I’ll help you keep her safe. I promise. When you can’t, I will.”
That promise I made to Alex tears at the very fiber of my soul. I told my best friend I would protect his girl and when she needed protection the most, I left her alone. I left her to fall apart, to pull away from the living... to become more lost in her grief. I failed her and I failed Alex.
“Aaaahhhh!” I don’t recognize the scream that rips from my throat as my own voice. I start for Adri, needing to hug my friend. Needing to apologize in any way I can. I don’t make it one step before the tears start. I don’t cry, never have. It doesn’t matter what shit has been thrown at me, but losing Alex and letting Adri down—it’s all hits me. It’s too much.
I drop to my knees and bury my head in her knees, sobs wracking my body. I know I should be embarrassed that all our friends are seeing me act like such a pussy, but I can’t find it in me to stop. Months of pain mingle with regret and it pours out of me in loud sobs.
Adri tells me it’s alright, but she doesn’t understand it can never be alright. I try to tell her it isn’t, but how do I make her truly understand why? I lift my tear stained face to my best friend who is looking at me with love and concern and it breaks me all over again.
“I promised, Adri. I promised Alex I’d protect you when he couldn’t be with you. I didn’t do that. I left you to suffer in your pain and grief and do you want to know why? Because I was angry with you. I was angry that you shut me out. I was angry at you for giving up. I should have known there was something else going on. You’re my best friend, for Christ’s sake. I’m so sorry.”
“Pres, you didn’t do anything but love me. I pushed you and everyone else away and I’m the one who should be sorry. I never let you say goodbye to Alex and that was wrong. We need to change that. We need to plan a time for all of us to remember him and say how we felt about him the right way. I should have told you about the babies and that I was lost. But, I was so scared you’d hate me.”
“Hate you? For what?”
“For not saving Alex’s babies. I could have given you a piece of him.”
“Kid, do you think I could ever do anything other than love you? Really? After everything we’ve been through? I would have helped you get through this if I knew. Now, I feel like I failed you. I feel like I failed him. I didn’t keep my promise.”
Tears are falling down both our faces and it’s not just for the pain of the conversation we’re having. It’s for the loss of our friend and how we miss him. We silently understand that and don’t need to say anything. We sit here holding onto each other while our friends wait for the signal that they can return to the room.
“I love you, Pres. I always will. I promise I’ll never shut you out again. Please forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, kid. I love you. Best friends forever, right?”
Adri nods her head yes and wipes the tears from my face. She smiles at me.
“He’d be proud of you, you know?”
“Thanks, Pres.”
“For what?”
“Being my best friend and loving me.”
“Always, kid. Always.”
Chapter Fifty Three
Tucker
Leaving Adriana wasn’t as hard this time, but that’s because I have something I need to take care of. I know she could tell I wasn’t myself, but I couldn’t talk to her about this yet. I have to be sure before I say anything—to her or anyone else.
I’ve been thinking about this since the moment Mikos showed me the picture of my brother, since I recognized his face. It affected my attitude for the rest of my visit with her and I hated that, but how could a bomb like that not change me? I grew up believing it was just me. What happens when Grams finds out she has another grandson? Do I tell her or do I demand that Mikos tells her? Who would it hurt less to hear it from?
I’ve been thinking of the different ways to approach him. Do I come right out and say, “Hey, I’m your brother.” Do I say, “Did you know we’re brothers?” What if he does know? What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me? This isn’t a conversation I can act my way through. No matter how I ask him, I know I’m going to talk to him. And, I’m talking to him today.
I don’t have any more time to plan as he walks by me. I close my eyes and remember the story my father told me. I wonder if he knows that story or about me at all. I guess it doesn’t matter. Very shortly, we’ll both know.
I walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder. He peers at me in confusion. We don’t talk normally so I understand that. “Can we step outside where we can talk in private please?”
He doesn’t say a word, just steps past me and heads for the door. His behavior is so standoffish and I already feel brotherly because I want to cuff him in the back of the head. When we step outside, he turns around and in the sunlight, I see it. Them. He does have Mikos’ eyes. But, what I really see now that I’m looking, is all the similarities between him and me.
We have the same mouth and chin. Our noses are a little different, but our cheeks are set the same way. His hair is brown instead of black like mine and he’s a couple inches shorter than me, but he’s similar in build. If our eyes were the same color, you’d never be able to deny we’re brothers.
He’s smirking at me and it pisses me off. I wonder if this is how all brothers feel toward each other. Looking at him now, I know exactly what I need to ask.
“How long have you known?” He raises his eyebrow at me. “Don’t play stupid. I know you’re not. How long have you known we’re brothers?”
His eyes get large and I wonder if I was wrong in my assumption that he knew. Shit. Then he smiles at me.
“Did you just find out, big brother, or did you finally get sick of little brother’s shit and wanted to put a stop to my antics?”
“What? Why?”
“Cat got your tongue? Always thought you were more eloquent than that. The god amongst men, Tucker Stavros, can’t think when his little brother asks a question.”
“Why do you despise me so much, Grant?” I’m trying to stay civil now that I know he’s family, but this bastard has set out to fuck with my life on multiple occasions.
He sneers at me, the look making him appear evil. “You really want to know why I hate you?” He starts walking back and forth in front of me. I can feel rage pouring off him, but I have no idea where it’s coming from. “You had it all, Tucker boy. I’m just the bastard boy that found out when the man I thought was my dad needed a kidney transplant to save his life. Guess what we found out when I went in to see if I was a match. Want to guess?”
His voice is raising.
“I wasn’t his fucking son. It gutted him. They didn’t find a replacement in time and he was already living on one kidney. He stopped looking at me, stopped loving me. I was sixteen years old and the man I idolized died hating me. But, then I found out who my real daddy was and that he was from only a couple towns over. I found out about you. I went to a play you were in your senior year and he was there watching it. He walked away from me as a baby, never looked back because he already had a family. He had you.” He adds emphasis on ‘you’.
“I made it my goal after that to be in all the school plays. When I found out you went to L.A., I knew that’s where I was going. You took my life from me so I was taking your life from you. It’s only fair, brother.” He spits his words at me.
Rage of my own takes over. This motherfucker thinks he knows me. Thinks he knows my life. Thinks he’s the only one who lost someone. It’s time he gets a reality check.
“Listen you little piss-ant, you seem to think you know so much about me, but you don’t know shit. Mikos m
ay have fathered me, but he sure as fuck didn’t raise me. Not after the age of eight. Not after my mom died and that’s because he thought karma was kicking him in the ass for leaving you. I lost my mother and was abandoned by my father in the same fucking week. I never even knew he came to my plays until he told me a week ago, so don’t you stand here telling me how fucking perfect my life was. Almost half of my life, I watched my mother fighting cancer and after that, I wondered every Goddamn day why my father hated me so much that he left me. I thought I was the reason she got sick and died and that’s why he was gone. I’m all kinds of levels of fucked up that even you probably wouldn’t understand. You’ve been attacking me because you’re pissed at him. Be pissed at him, I don’t fucking care. But take your anger out where it belongs because I’m done with your bullshit!”
I don’t wait to hear his response. I can’t take it right now. I’m too pissed off and I know I’ll say something I regret, so I turn and walk back into the studio.
How the fuck did Grant Andrews end up being my little brother?
Chapter Fifty Four
Adriana
I couldn’t have been more shocked if Tucker had told me the president was his brother. Grant? Things could get complicated fast with that. Grant resents Tucker and I’m not sure how they get past it. He said they had a heart to heart and he’s hoping that after they cool down, they’ll be able to see where they both had things rough and try to make amends. That was weeks ago.
Today is January twenty-ninth and Dee just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Alahna and I didn’t have anything on the books for the afternoon, so we shut down the shop and we’re walking into Dee’s hospital room. We can’t contain our excitement over seeing the new addition to the extended family we’ve created in our neighborhood.
We would have come earlier because we only had one shoot first thing this morning, but Kale asked us to let Dee sleep. Little Miss was born a little after midnight and momma needed some rest before visitors started pouring in.
