Tonight, it was different. During the match, I couldn’t get Lauren off my mind. I kept thinking of her sitting just a couple yards away. I wanted to win. I always want to win. But tonight, for the first time, I wanted to win for someone else. I wanted to make someone proud.
That’s never happened to me. There’s never been anyone to want to please. The gang leaders I used to take orders from don’t count. I only wanted their twisted kind of respect—the kind that isn’t really respect at all, but is instead a kind of currency used only on the streets. As far as foster parents, I never had any that were looking out for me, in the long term. Some of them were nice, sure, but even to them, I was just another kid.
She must feel my gaze on her, because Lauren opens her eyes.
“You’re always looking at me.”
“I’d be stupid not to.”
“Oh yeah?” she asks in that silly, excited voice that somehow still manages to be sexy.
“Yeah.”
That’s all I can say. There’s nothing more to add. I’d reach over and run my fingers through her hair if I could, but I’m all the way on the other end of the tub. For now, I just need to look at her. Which is fine. I could stare at her for days.
For years, it’s as if I’ve been on the run, first hopping from home to home, then from gang to gang. Next, prison. Now, casinos. I don’t even own a house or rent an apartment. I’m a drifter, living in hotels and feeling sometimes like I’m lost to all of time and space.
Sometimes, I wonder if anyone misses me, or if anyone outside of the casinos ever thinks of me. There have been women. Mostly casual flings. I’ve tried to make something serious work a few times, but for the most part, it’s just never been right.
Looking at Lauren now, though, I can’t help but think that the tide just might be turning.
Chapter Nine
Lauren
I’m still here.
It’s my first thought when I open my eyes and find myself in Jay’s hotel suite. Every moment since I met him has been breathtaking.
And now I have to leave.
A second after my heart swells with happiness, it plummets to the bottom of my stomach. My time in Macau—my time with Jay—is over. I have to be at the airport in Hong Kong in just a few hours. Soon, I’ll be back in New York. And Jay?
I don’t know where he’ll be. I don’t know where he belongs. I just know that he doesn’t have a home base anywhere near me, and he hasn’t even brought up the idea of visiting New York.
Wherever he’ll be tomorrow, it’s sure to thousands of miles away from me.
I roll over and look at him sleeping peacefully next to me. Have these last few days been as good for him as they’ve been for me? If Jay misses me half as much as I’m sure I’ll miss him, the moment I walk away, it’s going to feel like his heart is bleeding.
He opens his eyes and yawns. “Hey.”
“Good morning.”
Scooting over to my side of the bed, he lays his arm across my chest. I snuggle closer and relax into his warmth.
“You’re leaving soon,” he states simply.
It’s too painful of a fact to acknowledge out loud, but I have to.
“Yeah,” I agree.
He winds his fingers through mine and holds my hand close to his chest. “Are you excited?”
“No,” I sigh. “I mean, the last couple days have been something out of a dream, so…”
“Yeah,” he muses. “I know what you mean.”
So, ask me to stay.
It’s crazy, but I actually want to say that. Here, in this hotel room with Jay, I want to forget about my life and never return to New York. I want to become a new person—a person who exists by his side. Maybe, down the road, I’d regret abandoning my family, friends, and career—but right now, it’s the only thing I want to do.
“I’ll take you to the airport.”
I cringe. Of course I want to be with Jay until the very last moment, but my parents are going to be at the airport. We texted the day before, agreeing to meet there before our flight. The two of them thinking that I took off and spent a couple days sightseeing and sketching by myself in Macau is fine, but if they saw Jay and found out I had actually spent my last few days in the hotel room of a gambler I just met…
It’s not that I’m ashamed of him, I just can’t bear the questions. Plus, I don’t want to present my parents with something as overwhelming as a romantic fling—especially since it’s something they could use as future ammunition against me.
You’re not ready to start a business, Lauren. You ran off and stayed with a guy you don’t even know. It’s just plain irresponsible.
I can hear my father’s voice right now, turning my choices around and using them as evidence of my immaturity.
“You really don’t have to do that,” I respond. “I’m sure you have things you can do other than take me all the way to the airport.”
He laughs. “I’m a gambler, Lauren. I only work a few hours a month. Besides, I want to take you there.”
His response is so earnest and sweet that I feel like I’m going to cry. There has to be some gigantic skeleton in Jay’s closet for him to be single. Any woman would be crazy to pass him up.
I sit up. “Honestly, my parents are going to be there, and I just don’t want them asking me any personal questions…”
Jay nods and sits up as well. “Say no more. I understand.” He presses his hand against my cheek and comfort washes over me.
“You could come with me to the dock,” I whisper.
“That sounds perfect.”
My heart is heavy as I shower and get ready to go. I put on the dress and heels I was wearing when I arrived and decline the other dresses Jay bought for me—they’re another thing that might prompt questions from my parents.
Breakfast arrives, but I can’t eat a thing. My stomach is too twisted into knots. As we walk out of the hotel and take Jay’s chauffeured car to the dock, what can only be described as a sense of dread envelopes me.
This is it. The fairy tale is over.
Jay stays with me while I get my ticket for the ferry, and then stands with me on the dock and watches the giant boat pull toward us.
He slowly turns to me, a strained look on his face. “I wish I could smile right now.”
I exhale in relief. “Honestly, it’s nice to hear you feel the same.”
Jay twines his fingers with mine and steps as close to me as he can get. “I want to see you again. I don’t want this to end.”
The fear, the anxiety, it all vanishes in an instant. Hope and excitement flood through me.
“I want to see you again, too.”
I’m aware that I probably sound like a giddy schoolgirl, but I also don’t care. Jay wants the exact same thing that I do. With both of us in agreement, nothing is going to stop our second meeting from happening.
I frantically search for words. The ferry is getting closer, and I can’t miss it. There isn’t another one for a couple hours, at least, and I need to be at the airport before then.
“I… How do we make that happen? I mean, where do you…”
Jay smiles coyly. “I’m staying here for another couple days, and then I’m headed to Monte Carlo. There’s a tournament there in just over a month. Do you think you can join me?”
I think fast, mentally running through my summer schedule. I have training at my summer waitressing job in two days, but the manager there promised me she does everything she can to be flexible with her staff members’ schedules. Maybe if I go ahead and request that week off work, I’ll be able to make it.
“I’ll make it,” I say. “Absolutely.”
And I mean it. Nothing is going to stop me from seeing him again.
He glows. “Good. Hey, your friend Petit will be there.”
“Oh my God.” I roll my eyes. “Just when I’d managed to forget he exists, you had to go and bring him up.”
“The disgust is mutual.”
“Well, it can be one more thing we
share.”
“Here’s hoping there will be many more,” he says gently.
As he pulls me to him, his eyes shine. Our lips press together in a sweet and tender kiss. Just like every time he touches me, my head spins and my stomach flips.
Jay breaks the embrace and looks over my shoulder. “It’s time.”
I sigh and twist the fabric of his T-shirt around my fingers. He looks especially sexy today, with the easily accessible sight of his biceps and tattoos making me weak in the knees.
“I’d pay a million dollars for that ferry to break down right now.”
Jay laughs. “Hey, you know, I happen to have a million dollars.”
“Oh, really? You don’t say?”
“Unfortunately, I don’t think any amount of money can make magic real.”
“Shoot.”
A voice echoes over the nearby intercom, calling for passengers to board. Jay gives me another quick kiss.
“I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.”
We hold hands as I walk away, until our fingers slip out of each other’s. I watch Jay as I board the ferry, and I stay at the back of the boat, pressed tight against the railing. It’s the way I came to Macau, and it’s the way I’ll leave it. As the ferry begins to move, my eyes never move from Jay, and he never takes a step away from where I left him.
We wave, and he grows smaller, until he’s nothing but a dot on the pier. And then, he’s gone.
I don’t see anything in front of me during the whole ferry ride. The car ride to the airport is the same. It’s Jay’s face in my mind: him winning the tournament in the casino; his face in the first moment we met, when I spilled his drink; him kissing me as we tumbled into his suite, the world spinning too fast around us.
“Lauren!”
The sound of my own name startles me. My mother waves a magazine at me from near the security line. Next to her, my grim-faced father stands. I can already tell the text I sent him didn’t do much to assuage his irritation toward me.
I make my way over to them, reminding myself to be pleasant.
Mom frowns as I get closer. “You didn’t go shopping in Macau?”
I look down at the dress I was wearing the last time they saw me. “I didn’t have a suitcase to bring anything back in.”
She laughs as though I’m being absurd. “You could have bought a suitcase. Did you just wear that one dress the whole time you were there?”
And this guy’s boxers.
“I showered,” I offer.
She shakes her head. “My silly girl… Come on, we need to get through the line. They always take forever.”
She scurries ahead, but my father stays planted where he is. “Have fun?”
His tone is so deadpan I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or honest. Emotions can be hard to gauge with him. Maybe he’s trying to be nice. I take a deep breath and remind myself this isn’t a war.
“I did. It was just what I needed. I thought about what we talked about, and I can see your point of view. What you and Mom are telling me makes sense.”
The expression on his face softens. For a moment, he seems too surprised to speak. “Oh. Well…that’s good to hear.”
He clears his throat and looks away, like the conversation is over, but he doesn’t make an attempt to follow my mom.
Another long moment passes. I know he’s waiting for me to tell him that I’ve changed my mind, that I’m forgetting about pursuing my illustrating dreams and I’m going to go to grad school instead. For him, that would be the cherry on top of this conversation.
But I’m not doing any of those things. My plans haven’t changed since we last saw each other. I’ve just become more appreciative about what I have. I think of Jay, and what it must have been like, growing up in multiple foster homes. He never had a mom and dad, never had anyone to believe in him and encourage him.
In some ways, I’m at a disadvantage. In some ways, I’m spoiled. In other ways, I’m simply blessed.
“This was an awesome trip, Dad. Thank you.”
Again, he looks speechless. Walking past him, I go and join Mom in the security line. She surveys me up and down for the second time.
“Well, you might be wearing the same dress, but you do at least look well-rested.”
“Do I?”
“That hotel you stayed at, what chain was it a part of?”
“I’m not sure,” I say nervously.
Aware that they’d be worried about where I was, I’d emailed Mom the address of Jay’s hotel. I knew it was making a risky move, allowing the chance that one of my parents might call the room and get the voice of a strange man on the line. I hadn’t been able to just vanish, though. I owed my parents more than that.
We slowly make our way through the security line. Once Mom and Dad are settled in our terminal, I use the excuse of going to get a cup of coffee to do some texting in private.
I’m just about to respond to Willow’s last message from the other day, giving her the brief synopsis of my time with Jay, when a message from an unknown number pops up.
I’m going to miss this.
It’s a picture of me sleeping in Jay’s bed in the hotel. My hair is a mess, and I’ve got raccoon eyes from sleeping with makeup on, but I look happy—even in my sleep. I almost forgot that I’d programmed my number into his phone the other day.
I already miss this, I reply.
I lean on the wall and close my eyes, allowing the last few days to play back one more time. When I open them again, there’s another text from Jay, containing the date and location of the Monte Carlo tournament.
I quickly look through my phone’s calendar to see how far away the date is.
“Five weeks,” I whisper aloud. “Just five weeks.”
It’s going to be the longest five weeks of my life.
Chapter Ten
Lauren
“Make sure to stir the sugar really well, so that it all disintegrates,” I instruct Callie, the restaurant’s newest member of staff.
Just a few weeks at West Side BBQ and, according to the day manager, I’m already seasoned enough to be training incoming servers. Not that I mind. I’d rather be in the kitchen teaching someone how to make sweet tea than up front dealing with the rambunctious group of teenagers that just came in.
Callie wrinkles her nose. “That smells so sweet. I never thought sugar could smell bad.”
“It can when it’s this much sugar.”
In my apron pocket, my phone buzzes, making my heart leap. It’s not an unusual occurrence. Every time my phone makes a noise these days, I practically drop everything I’m doing and snatch it up, thinking it might be Jay.
After leaving Macau, we texted back and forth a few times, but I calmed things down after that. I didn’t want to seem too eager, and I knew we would be seeing each other in Monte Carlo soon. Plus, in a weird way, texting him and always looking for his next message made me sad. It seemed to make me miss him more.
“You’re doing great,” I tell Callie. “Just add some more hot water and keep stirring. I’m going to go take a quick break before we roll silverware.”
Heading through the small kitchen, I leave the restaurant through the back door and exit into the alley. There’s a chair back here for smokers, and a battered Chinese screen one of the employees put up to shield our view of the garbage cans. It’s a nice touch, even if it still smells like trash and cat pee.
I don’t smoke, but I do obsess over my phone. Despite the fact that I haven’t texted Jay in almost a week, and I know waiting around for his next message makes me unhappy, I still can’t help but check every ten minutes to see if he’s gotten in touch.
No, it doesn’t make sense, and yes, it’s kind of pathetic, but that’s life.
Perching on the plastic chair, I dig in my apron pocket, rooting around through credit card receipts and loose change in order to pull out my phone. The text is from Willow.
Girl, when are you off work? Just had the worst aud
ition ever. I need margaritas NOW!
I smirk to myself. Willow is pursuing the right career in acting, because she’s easily the most dramatic person I’ve ever met. That woman doesn’t need a stage. Give her a bit of tequila and five minutes, and she’ll have you on the edge of your seat listening to her life story.
I send her a text back telling her to meet me at our favorite taco spot downtown in an hour, and then glance back toward the closed kitchen door. Callie hasn’t come out yet crying and shaking, like last week’s trainee did, so I can only assume that things are going somewhat well inside.
I pull up Jay’s name in my contacts. I want to text and ask if we’re still on for Monte Carlo next week, but something stops me. Maybe I’m just stubborn and it’s that hang-up about not wanting to appear too eager. Or, maybe I’m feeling weird because it’s been so long since we saw each other.
We had an amazing time in Macau, enjoying what was maybe the best time of my life. To go from that, to nothing, has me feeling upended.
Are things going to be the same between us when I get to Monte Carlo? Or will a new time and place mean everything is different? I’m trying to be realistic, to not have delusions. I know Jay is into me, just like I’m into him, but I also know there are a hundred other factors at play.
I don’t even know what he’s been doing with his time since we last saw each other. Our texts have been pretty basic, and he’s not on social media, so creeping on him online isn’t an option. If I want to get to know him better and talk to him, it looks like I’m going to have to do it the old-fashioned way and see him in person.
Eventually, I put the phone away without sending anything, and go back inside. Callie has finished making the sweet tea, though there are lumps of sugar settled in the bottom of the pitcher. Oh, well. I show her the rest of the closing duties and clock out before rushing out the door and catching the train downtown.
Since it’s halfway between lunch and dinner, it’s the perfect time to snag a table almost anywhere. Willow waits for me at one of the corner ones; her dark, bobbed hair is pinned back and a loose crop top hangs off her shoulders. She looks more like a dancer today than an actress, but that’s Willow. Tomorrow, she might look like a doctor or a librarian. It all depends on the mood she wakes up in.
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