by Brooke Page
Ashlynn knew I wouldn’t be able to completely cut her out. She had taken advantage of my forgiveness many times. She knew she had power over me ever since we were little kids. I couldn’t swallow the thought of my best friend taking my boyfriend deliberately.
I somehow convinced Jamie that Ashlynn didn’t need to leave. School would be over soon, and I could cut her off completely then. It wouldn’t have been so awful living with her if Ashlynn and Connor hadn’t started dating officially. Ashlynn threw it all in my face too. She would always tell me when they were going out together and how she would be staying at his house. Whenever she came home from a night with him, she would brag about how wonderful her night was and how her life couldn’t be any more perfect. It took all of Jamie’s patience to not deck her by the end of the semester. I simply tried to focus on school work; and tried to avoid Ashlynn as much as possible. The only good part of the horribly fucked up situation was Connor refused to come over to our place. Probably because Jamie would “rip his dick off and shove it down his throat.” Her sneer at him made me smile for the first time in weeks.
Once Ashlynn moved out to go start her adult life with Connor, Jamie convinced me to start having fun with her. The night before our graduation Jamie yanked me off the couch and said, “You’re not doing this to yourself anymore. We are going to take a break from the real world and party our asses off. We are going to be the hottest chicks in this town and run this city, and I don’t give a shit if you think this is possible or not because I am so sick of you being controlled by that monster in your head that says you aren’t good enough for anyone or anything.” Her endearment broke my streak, and I decided it was time to stop sulking and finally go into a “not giving a fuck” stage.
My family was not happy with my decision to stay in Florida. I got every speech from, “You’re not being responsible,” to “It’s time to grow up,” to “I’m sorry Connor hurt you, but this isn’t how to handle it,” and the best one, “Your father can get you any job you want if you come back to Grand Rapids.”
I hated the last one the most. I hated the fact that because of my last name I could snap my fingers in Grand Rapids and get whatever I wanted. Well I wanted my own life, not one that would be controlled by my name.
So Jamie and I got an apartment downtown by all the clubs. We both got jobs at the local gym; and worked our asses off for two hours every day; then went out at night. My body got slimmer, and I turned into someone I didn’t know. I wasn’t afraid to approach a guy at a bar. Granted, I had to have a few drinks in me at first, but they no longer intimidated me. Soon the guys started to come on to me. It didn’t take long either. Jamie kept telling me I was a sex goddess who just needed to come out of her shell and live a little.
Then I did something awful and brought a guy home. I didn’t even know his name. I remember I woke up and he was putting his clothes back on. He turned to me and said, “Thanks for a great evening,” and left. I felt so guilty and sheepish. Jamie came in and sat on my bed.
“Well he was a looker. Nice grab last night.”
“Jamie I feel awful; he totally used me.”
“Becca, you used him too.” She said with a major DUH sound.
Then it hit me like a stone from a slingshot. No one would ever use me again because I would use them.
So that was our life for a year: work, workout, go to the club, get drunk, and get laid. A bit much like a man’s life, but it seemed to numb my pain and cure my insecurities about myself. Those men saw something in me that was attractive. So attractive that they would hold me and squeeze me and tell me everything I wanted to hear to get me to say yes to them. So what if it was just for the night? I didn’t want another Connor, another person to leave me for my best friend or another girl who was prettier and had more to bring to the table than me.
Our madness stopped when a guy I brought home was a little too persistent. He was very rough and knew exactly what he wanted. I wasn’t feeling it and tried to subtly stop him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Thank God Jamie had brought home his friend who heard me yelling and came in and yanked him off of me. He spat, “Not fucking again you dick!” and apologetically looked at Jamie and dragged him out of our apartment.
After a night of crying in Jamie’s arms, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to stop numbing my struggles with the lifestyle we created and start my life. Jamie agreed, a bit reluctantly at first, but she knew I needed it and that, in the long run, it would be best for her as well.
The next two weeks I filled out every application I could find to anywhere. The best opportunity I had was to my horror, Grand Rapids, Michigan, my lovely hometown where my family would devour my attention. But I had to take it before I spiraled out of control again. Jamie miraculously found a job the very same day in Grand Rapids. We decided it was fate and would get an apartment together in the city. I tried to push out the thought of my father having any part to do with it, but they had no idea I was applying for jobs, so I figured I had done it on my own.
So here I sit waiting for my flight to take me in hopes to a new beginning instead of reliving a past. I had changed so much from when I lived at home with my parents to going away to college. I didn’t want to return to the sad little girl with no self-esteem and no faith in her capabilities. But I didn’t want to be the girl who succumbed to a boyfriend like I did in college, and I dreaded being the careless “I just don’t give a fuck” girl I was in my first year out of school. I needed to become part of all three and not just one.
~
I waited in the pickup area at the airport. My mother insisted that Roger, her driver/butler, would come pick me up and take me to my new apartment. I normally would refuse this, but I loved Roger. He was the only person who kept me sane in my parents’ house. He was like the grandfather I never had. He was always formal and polite but knew exactly what to say when I had been put down by my family.
I jumped up to hug him as he came out to open the door to the black Lincoln Navigator. His face turned red, and he hugged me awkwardly. He was never comfortable when I would hug him. He never wanted to look like he was crossing a line with his employer. But I didn’t care, I loved him, and he would always have to put up with it from me.
“How was your flight Miss Stine?” He asked formally, as he started to pull out of the parking space.
“It was alright; a little bumpy in the middle, but we made good time.” I shrugged.
He smiled at me through the rear view mirror. “Well we will arrive at your new condo in about 20 minutes. The movers should be near finished. Mrs. Stine insisted they unpack all of your belongings apart from your bedroom and bathroom boxes.”
This infuriated me. I didn’t need someone to unload my things. Thank God she told them to back away from my personal belongings. I would hate the thought of someone pulling out my lacy undergarments.
“She still doesn’t know when she is overbearing, does she?” I grumbled. I saw Roger smirk in the mirror. He knew my mother was crazy over protective and controlling. He had to endure listening to her comments about my siblings and me. I normally got the negative comments, whether they would be about my weight or my drive. She never straight out said I was fat, it was always just little comments like, “You look a little heavier in this picture,” or “Don’t worry honey, most of the girls in your grade are just really skinny.” What kid wouldn’t think of this as being called fat? The worst was, “You will slim down once you hit middle school, don’t worry.” I don’t think I had ever expressed to her that I was worried; she was the one who had to have the perfect child.
All in all, my mother did love me and wanted the best for me. She just had a roundabout way of showing it.
We arrived at the River House Condos in the timely matter that Roger predicted. It was at least 30 stories high, and my father had insisted on gifting me my first year’s rent. Little did I know he actually had purchased a two bedroom, two bathroom lofty condo versus one of the apartments.
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br /> I grabbed my bag before Roger could get to it and made my way to the entrance. Roger followed me to make sure I made it to the 28th floor and wanted to be sure I felt comfortable.
“Can I help you with anything, Becca?” He said with his hands held behind his back.
I searched the large condo and sighed. This was too much. I wanted to do this on my own, but my parents were already controlling the situation. As soon as I was settled into my job, I would sell the condo and find something on my own.
“No Roger, I’m fine. You can go ahead and leave. Go do something fun, I will tell my parents you stuck around and helped me out for a few hours.”
Roger smiled at me and turned to leave. I’m sure he was going to head straight home. He loved doing whatever my family asked of him. Fortunately my parents were always wonderful to their staff and did everything they could to make them feel comfortable and a part of the family.
I explored the condo once Roger left. It had 15-foot ceilings throughout the space and was very modern. Sleek, light gray walls covered the living room with a large white brick electric fireplace. The floors were a very dark black hardwood with a large area rug in the middle of the white leather furniture. The kitchen was just past the living room painted with red walls and black cabinets and stainless steel appliances. There was an island counter that had white and gray speckled granite and four black bar stools.
Just past the kitchen there was a dining area with a large glass table with eight black chairs surrounding it. In the middle of the table there was a large bouquet of lilies with a note:
We are so happy you are back in Grand Rapids. Congratulations on the job.
We love you.
Mom & Dad
The card made me smile. They really did mean well. They were okay with having things done for them. My mother was fine with hiring people to move her things and clean up after her and drive her around; I wasn’t. I wanted to take care of myself. One day I was going to have to figure out how to tell them this. I put down the note and continued on throughout the large space.
There were hallways going off of the living room and kitchen leading towards each separate suite. Each bedroom had an attached bathroom and a large walk-in closet. The bathroom had a huge bathtub and walk-in shower made of clear tile with a foggy glass door. The counter tops were crystal white and the cabinets were black. Glass tiling made up the wall behind the vessel sinks making a large border around the mirror. My bedroom had the same sleek gray walls as the living room. My mother purchased a new bedspread which was a black and white modern decor; with an arrangement of red, black, and white throw pillows. There was a large picture of a woman drinking coffee with an oversized hat with a black and white color scheme. The dresser was black along with two end tables on either side of the bed with red lamps on top. There was a sliding door leading to a deck which over looked the city with a huge hot tub made of concrete that had exotic plants surrounding it. No doubt the plants were fake; this is Michigan after all. It was very serene on the deck, and I pictured myself spending most of my free time out there.
Across from each room there was a study. My mother had made sure my drafting table and supplies were all neatly organized within the room. This was no good to me. Now, I had no idea where anything was. I knew she was trying to be helpful, but the woman was maddening.
There was a flat screen television hanging in the corner of the study and a large fluffy chair with a matching ottoman. I sank down into the oversized sofa chair and stared at the ceiling. How did I ever think I was going to pull this off? Coming to Grand Rapids and not having my parents try to control my life? I was 24, and they had picked out a condo and bought all new furniture and handed it to me. And I let them! I needed to find my voice in this city. Maybe I should just take off and leave. No, that wouldn’t solve anything. And Jamie had already committed to moving her life out here. I couldn’t leave her. She was the only thing stable in my life that didn’t drive me insane.
I casually got up and went into my bedroom to unload my belongings. Once I felt half way in order I heard my stomach growl. I forgot about getting food. I called and ordered some take out, figuring I could save half and bring it to my first day of work tomorrow for lunch.
I had a real problem with food.
Ever since I was little my relationship with food wasn’t normal. With my mother constantly comparing me with everyone else’s little girls, including the perfect Ashlynn, I was always afraid to eat in front of people. This would lead to not eating at all; then binge eating later. Unfortunately, this would be why most of my life I wasn’t the perfect size two, but closer to an eight. I only got a grasp on normal eating habits when I was off with Jamie on our own. She ate all the time and managed to stay skinny, where I had to hit the gym twice as hard and really stay away from all the good stuff. Jamie would give me shit if I didn’t eat and would force me to sit with her and eat a healthy meal. It was good for me; it made me drop that extra 30 pounds I had always carried with me. I would have been happy to lose another 10, but for some reason it just wasn’t going to budge. I swear it was all in my ass. Jamie always gave me crap saying she would give anything for it. I just thought it was huge and added a size to my jeans.
Connor never said anything about my weight, which was a good and a bad thing. He never said I needed to lose it, but then he never said I was perfect for him either. Either he really didn’t think I was appealing in that way or he just didn’t think to tell me. This caused me to be so self-conscious. I hated taking my clothes off with him around, and the lights were always off. It didn’t make a difference to him either way. I guess he didn’t care as long as he was getting some.
I still never felt comfortable in a bikini or clubbing outfits. Jamie would always encourage me, telling me I was beautiful, and I needed to stop thinking otherwise. Ashlynn was a lot like my mother, comparing me to other people and telling me it was okay that I didn’t look like them.
My salad arrived, and I immediately took half of it and put it into a container for work. When I went to open the fridge I gasped. My mother had filled it with food. I was shocked. Does this woman have no boundaries? At least it wasn’t a bunch of junk food. I wasn’t sure if I was annoyed or grateful for her attentiveness to what she bought.
Once I was done eating, I picked out my clothes for my first day of work. A cream short sleeve sweater dress that rose just above my knee with a large brown belt. I figured I would wear my burnt orange heels and my dark orange pendant necklace with brown alternating jewels. The outfit was perfect for the season; it was early September and the leaves were starting to change color. It was 60 degrees out so I would have to wear a jacket. Florida thinned out my blood. Normally, I would have been fine in short sleeves in 60 degree weather.
Just as I was going to brush my teeth and put on some sweats my phone rang. It was Jamie.
“Hey Chica! All settled in?” She exclaimed. She was so excited to move, but she had to wait another week before she could get out here.
“All I need is your crap lying around, and I will feel settled,” I said. She laughed and chatted about all that she had to pack and get done before she drove up. Her parents gifted Jamie a Jeep Commander for a “finally getting your life together” present. This was a grand gesture from Jamie’s family. They worked very hard for their money and buying their daughter a new car would take a toll on their savings. Jamie didn’t want to accept it, but her parents had insisted. They thought I was a good influence on her and they thought she was settling down because me. Only if they knew it was the other way around.
“Are you excited for work tomorrow? Sucks your first full day back will include 8 hours of being a grown up.”
I sighed, “I know, but this is the one thing I am sure of. I am actually excited. I was just going to do a little bit more research on the company when you called.” Truth was, I had looked at their website a dozen times. Jamie knew this too.
“Better make sure you memorize their code of conduct,
” she joked.
“Ha ha, I just want to be prepared.”
“You have been prepared since before your first interview. You will be fine. Hopefully your desk will be next to some eye candy,” she said with a flirt.
“Yeah, and he will be married or gay.” I snorted. “Besides, I’m not looking for a man right now.”
“Yeah, but you never know who you are going to meet,” she said. It reminded me of Connor and made me frown.
“Well I have to get going. Get your shit in order and get up here,” I teased.
“Will do. Have a good night.”
I hung up the phone and sighed. What would I do without that girl? I went into my office and fired up my new computer, another nice furnishing from my lovely parents. I went onto the Conklin Architecture, Construction, and Design website. I scooted around it, moving from the architecture page to the history of the company; it was quite fascinating to me. The original founder of the company had started out in Grand Rapids in his parents’ basement and quickly built his company up and moved to Chicago because, at the time, there was more opportunity to build there. After 20 years in Chicago, he expanded with his son back to Grand Rapids. Now they have huge buildings in Chicago, Grand Rapids, and their newest building in Cleveland, Ohio. The founding father of the company had just passed away a year ago, and left the company to his son and three grandsons. There was a picture of the five of them cutting the ribbon in Cleveland. They were all very attractive. The caption below the picture revealed the names of the men in the picture. The grandfather, Robert Conklin Sr., was in the middle holding scissors, with his son, Robert Jr., on his left and a grandson, Mitchell. On his other side were his other two grandsons, Tyler and Nathan. The two grandsons on the right seemed very happy and proud, while his son seemed distracted, and had a hint of a smile on his face. The other brother shyly smiled.
