by Crowe (epub)
Anna Lee was conflicted. She liked Irma well enough, though the big Irish woman seemed of late to have made it her mission in life to hound Anna Lee about finding a boyfriend. “Jus’ look at the way yer dressed, dear,” she’d say in that thick Irish accent, gesturing at the long, dark, wool dresses that Anna Lee wore wherever she went. “Closed at the throat and covered all the way to yer wrists and ankles,” she’d wail, shaking her head. “Why, they don’t even know yer a woman underneath!”
“Father says ---”
“Pay no mind to yer father, dear.” Irma would wink at Anna Lee. “You jus’ trust a woman’s word on this one.”
Anna Lee had to smile in spite of the near-constant admonishing. It sounded like something her mother would have said. Somehow, that made things worse. Anna Lee couldn’t stand the thought of dishonoring her mother’s memory. Somehow she felt that letting herself love Irma for who she was would be like losing her mother all over again.
It was a fine early summer afternoon in 1860 when Anna Lee decided to head over to the hill and clear her mind and her heart. On instinct she unbuttoned the top two buttons of her dress, giving herself a little more room to breathe, both in a physical and an emotional sense. She took off her shoes and stockings and carried them, curling her toes in the lush, green grass. Her feet knew the way on their own, allowing her to mull over what it was that had been troubling her. Every time she felt as though she was about to grasp whatever it was, it slipped away from her, like a splinter that she just couldn’t grip.
And if I can’t get my head around what’s botherin’ me, Anna Lee thought, then, it’ll keep workin’ it’s way in deeper until it gets infected and too sore to touch.
She was so caught up in her own thoughts that Anna Lee didn’t even see the boy until she was right on top of him.
“Oh!” she cried out in surprise and clutched the front of her dress. She had never gone out in public looking the way she did when she came to the hill. The thought of the Reverend’s daughter running around with her dress unbuttoned and her shoes off was indecent!
The boy turned, saw her, and sprang to his feet. He wiped at his eyes, embarrassed, hoping that she hadn’t seen him crying just now. “I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I didn’t know anyone else ever came up here.”
Anna Lee was furious. This was her hill. “Well,” she said, trying to button her dress with fingers that were shaking with anger, “now you know. I come up here all the time.”
The boy looked away, reminding Anna Lee of a scrawny old dog she had once seen in town as it sniffed around looking for a bite of food to pinch. She felt sorry for the boy; he hadn’t meant to intrude. She felt ashamed at her reaction. She had been raised better than to lash out like that. What would her father have said if he had seen her act this way toward someone who was in distress? What would her mother have said?
The latter thought struck Anna Lee deep within her heart. Still, didn’t she have some right to be angry? Hadn’t he surprised her? And what was he doing up here on her hill, anyhow? Anna Lee changed tactic, hoping it would get the boy out of here sooner so she that could have the hill to herself again.
“So,” she said, taking a seat on the grass and pulling on her stockings. “You’re okay now?”
“I guess,” the boy said. After a moment, he flopped down beside her. “No, not really.”
Anna Lee sighed. No peace this evening, she thought.
“I thought I had it all figured out,” the boy started. “I thought I could make a go of it. That’s what Grandpa always wanted, you know?”
Anna Lee shook her head. She didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. Still, there was something familiar about him.
“Grandpa always told me that any man that could take on the Knob could be anything he wanted to be. He believed that. So did I. Still do, I guess. That’s why I kept at it after he died.”
The force of the memory that came rushing back almost knocked Anna Lee over. It had been a cold day. Mother had still been alive back then and she had tried to talk Anna Lee out of going. Daddy said it would be good for her to go and watch and maybe understand. He had said something else that Anna Lee wasn’t supposed to have heard, something about the boy.
“It was just me and Grandpa,” he said. “My ma and dad left after I was born. Grandpa said they was bad apples and that he didn’t want me to turn out like them, like my dad, so he made me work with him, bustin’ away at the rock up there on top of the Knob.”
She had been maybe six or seven years old. Her father had taken her to a funeral, but he had said it wouldn’t be like most others. They had driven toward town, then veered off to the right and began to climb their way up the path that spiral to the top of Devil’s Knob. The funeral had been for the old man that had lived up on Devil’s Knob, but what she remembered most was the boy. He had been a couple of years younger than her and all alone. No one else came to the funeral. She remembered how sad she had felt for him all those years ago, how there had been no one to comfort him. She remembered that there had been some complication or another and that she had taken the hand of that scared little boy with the big eyes and tanned skin while the cart with his grandfather’s casket rolled down from the Knob toward the churchyard, leading him along.
Now, here he was years later up on top of her hill.
“After Grandpa died, it was just me and Bart --- that’s my mule --- up there, all alone. Farmer Dugan must’ve felt sorry for me ‘cause he offered to let me stay with him and his family if I’d work his place.”
Anna Lee nodded. She knew the four Dugan girls from church. They used to tease her when they had all been younger, calling her names like “No-Fannie Annie” and the like. She hadn’t thought about that for a long time and it was like picking the scab off of a sore that she had thought was healed over, only find that it still bled just a little.
“Well, I worked for him for ten years, but I always kept my place up on the Knob. Some of the other farm hands used to laugh at me, tell me the only thing that’d grow up on the Knob is rock.” The boy sniffed and wiped his nose his shirt sleeve.
Jeremy, Anna Lee thought. Or maybe Jeffery. It’ll come to me in a minute.
“Well, they was right,” continued Johnny, blinking. Fresh tears shone in his eyes. “I got plenty of rock to grow up on the Knob. Hauled a load down to market this mornin’. Problem is, no one bought any. I’ve been haulin’ loads down to market all spring and ain’t sold one yet.”
“Listen, err…”
“Johnny.”
That’s right, thought Anna Lee. Johnny, uh, something.
“Listen, Johnny, why don’t you tell Farmer Dugan ---”
“I can’t talk to him,” Johnny cried. “I quit workin’ for him when I decided to make a go of it on the Knob.”
“Oh. Well, I’m sure that if you just ---”
Johnny stood and looked out over the Valley. “You don’t understand,” he said, his back to Anna Lee. “This is what Grandpa would’ve wanted. It’s what he always wanted. I know he’s gone, but I’ve got to do this. For him. For me. You know what that’s like? It’s like I’m chasin’ his ghost, or it’s chasin’ me. I can’t do nothin’ without wonderin’ what Grandpa would think, you know?”
“Yes,” admitted Anna Lee, feeling something click into place in her mind. “I do.”
From that day forward, the two met every chance they had on what Anna Lee began to think of as their hill. She came to recognize the sound of his bare feet on the grass when Johnny climbed the hill to meet her time and again. At first she thought it was a joke, the way that he would sit for hours and listen, fascinated, while she spoke about the most mundane subjects; why would anyone be interested in what she had to say? She would be talking along, Johnny gazing at her with those wide eyes, when she would stop short, thinking that this would be the time he laughed at her
and called her nothing more than a silly little girl. Instead, his brow would furrow, sensing that something was wrong, then he’d reach over and take her pale, slender hands in his own tanned ones and ask her to go on. In many ways he was still that same small boy that he had been all those years ago. Aside from working for the Dugans and carting his rocks down to market, Johnny didn’t know much about the world beyond the hard, weathered top of Devil’s Knob.
In time, that empty space inside Anna Lee began to fill. At first she chalked it up to a strong feeling of empathy for Johnny and the struggled he had faced since Grandpa Crowe had died; hadn’t she faced many of these same issues since her mother had passed away? But that didn’t quite ring true with Anna Lee. She knew it was something more. Empathy alone wouldn’t have caused her to look forward to the end of every day, knowing that Johnny would meet her in their special spot. Just thinking about spending time with Johnny caused color to flush her cheeks and brought a twinkle to her eye and a smile to her lips. Anna Lee thought her mother might have recognized the look and would have approved.
Johnny stopped at the top of the hill. He knew she’d be here, Anna Lee came up here pretty regular once spring rolled around. Still, seeing her sitting with her face to the sun drove his decision home. This was going to be hard.
Johnny walked over and sat next to Anna Lee, who continued to look out across the Valley as though she hadn’t noticed him. It was all part of the game that they played. For a moment, Johnny doubted his decision. Being here with Anna Lee felt right; how could he leave this behind? ‘Cause I have to, Johnny reminded himself, feeling his resolve returning. I have to do this for her. For us. He took a deep breath and embraced her left hand in his right. Johnny felt it tremble, then relax.
Anna Lee turned to face Johnny and the contentment that had been there was replaced by a look of concern. Something in the way Johnny looked reminded her of how the clouds gathered before the storm blew in.
“What is it?” she asked, skipping the informal banter that had become their customary greeting. “What’s wrong?”
Johnny wished he could set her mind at ease, but knew that wasn’t going to happen today.
“Well,” Johnny started, only to pause and clear his throat. “You know how the Reverend don’t think much of me, right?”
Anna Lee sighed. They’d had this conversation before. No, she hadn’t told her father about Johnny, and she wasn’t proud of that fact. They weren’t a family that kept secrets, but this was different. She knew what everyone else thought about Johnny and hadn’t considered that her father might see things in a different light. “And you know he don’t think much of anyone. He don’t know we’re up here, and he don’t have to know.”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean,” said Johnny. “He don’t approve of me, just like nobody else in town approves of me.”
“I approve of you, Johnny Crowe,” she said, laying her head on his shoulder. “Is that what this is all about?”
“Yes and no,” he said, rising and brushing off the seat of his pants. “Just let me finish.”
She looked up at him, troubled. Something was weighing on him and it would be best to let him get it off his chest. She waited and watched him pace about, searching for the words to say to her.
“You remember what I told you that first time I came up here? What Grandpa said about making somethin’ out of myself?”
Anna Lee nodded. “I remember.”
“Well, it ain’t much good, beatin’ myself up on top of the Knob anymore,” he said. “Don’t guess it ever was much use. But,” he crouched down in front of Anna Lee and looked her in the face, “I found another way. A way I can be somethin’, somebody.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked. Was that thunder she heard in the distance?
“You see those soldiers in town today?”
Anna Lee shook her head. “No, I was up on Green Hill, doin’ my chores.”
“You shoulda seen ‘em,” Johnny said, his eyes lighting up with excitement. Anna Lee shuddered. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, he was looking through her. “Folk were runnin’ up to ‘em and pattin’ ‘em on the back, tellin’ ‘em to keep on fightin’ and to keep up the good work.” The scene finished replaying itself in Johnny’s mind and his eyes cleared. “I spoke to the Major, the one in charge. He said I could go to Richmond, maybe join up with his army.”
“No.” Anna Lee cut him off, springing to her feet. “You can’t go to war, Johnny.” She cast about, searching for something to make him see some sense. “You can’t.”
Johnny grabbed her by the shoulders. “I am. I leave for Richmond in the mornin’.”
“Richmond!” she cried out. “Richmond! You ain’t never been to no Richmond, Johnny. How you gonna get there?”
Johnny saw a wildness in her eyes that he had never seen before. He slowed down, trying to soothe her. “The Major has a man at the train station in Leesburg. He said to tell him that the Major sent me and he’d get me to Richmond.”
Anna Lee calmed a little, Johnny’s tone having the intended effect. “How much money you got?” she asked.
Johnny was dumbfounded. Of all the reactions he had expected, this question was not one of them. “Huh?”
“How much money you got?”
“Well… I took a load down to market today, but it was the first spring market, so you know how that is and what with the soldiers coming through and all…”
“What did you sell, Johnny?” she asked. “What have you ever sold?” She knew that was a low blow, but it didn’t matter at this point. “How much money you got?”
“None right now,” he admitted, “but I heard some of the soldiers sayin’ they make eleven dollars a month in the army. You imagine that? I ain’t never seen eleven dollars before, and I’d be makin’ that every month in the army.”
“Well, that settles it,” she said. “You ain’t got no money, Johnny Crowe, and no matter what that Major of yours told you, they don’t just hand out train tickets to anyone who wants a ride. You got no money, so there’s no way you’re getting to Richmond.”
Johnny saw the logic of what she was saying. “I guess I could sell Bart,” he said, thinking through the problem out loud. “He’d fetch enough to get me a ticket, don’t you think?”
Anna Lee felt tears well up in her eyes. She fought hard to keep them from coming but they came anyway. She turned her back to Johnny, she did not want him to see her like this. Johnny came up behind her and tried to wrap his arms around her but she shrugged him off and stepped away.
“So, you’re goin’ to Richmond,” she said, her voice shaky. “You’re just gonna leave here, sell Bart, and hop a train to Richmond and join the army, huh?” She spun around deciding that she wanted him to see her after all, wanting him to see the pain that all this talk was causing. “And what about me? What am I supposed to do if you don’t come back? If you’re shot and killed or if you find another woman?”
“No,” Johnny said, stepping forward. He wanted to hold her, but knew better than to try it again, not yet. “I’m comin’ back.”
“You don’t know that,” she said. “What if you get out there and find someone prettier than me and ---”
“Anna Lee,” he interrupted, “don’t you understand? I’m doing this so I can be with you, not someone else. I’ll come back here with money in my pocket. I’ll be a success. People will look at me different. I won’t just be that boy from up on Devil’s Knob anymore. I’ll have some money, we can get married ---”
They both stood in silence, neither believing what he had just said.
Married.
Anna Lee chuckled and wiped her tears. “You know father don’t want me to marry no man but Jesus Christ.”
Johnny moved in, hugging her to himself. “Well,” he said, “I guess if He comes back while I’m gone, then I’
ll understand.”
Anna Lee hit him in the chest, smiled, and wiped her eyes. “You really gonna to do this?”
“I have to,” he said. “I know I ain’t no hero. I’ll probably get shot the first time I see any action.” He laughed, but noticed that she didn’t. “But I have to do this. For us.”
“And you’ll come right back?”
“I’ll be back just as soon as I can. Why, when I come back, you won’t hardly even recognize me no more. I’ll really be somethin’.”
“You’d better,” Anna Lee said, looking into his dark, brown eyes, “or I’ll come find you and drag you back here myself.” She leaned in, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed his lips.
The next morning, Johnny hitched Bart up to the wagon before dawn. By the time the sun had cleared the blue mountains in the east, Johnny was passing Green Hill. He looked up and saw a lone figure on top of the hill looking down at him. Anna Lee raised a hand and Johnny tipped his hat to her, then turned back to the road and moved on.
The two picked their way up the sides of the Blue Ridge Mountains, winding their way past places where winter still held the peaks in its grasp. The path that they followed was in poor shape after the winter. It would be a while still before anyone would come and attempt to make the road usable. Large holes pockmarked the trail, often forcing Johnny to get down from the cart and push from behind while Bart pulled from the front in order to free it from the potholes and set it moving again. Small pebbles and chunks of ice slipped underfoot. A false step in just the right location would send the pair tumbling over the edge of the cliffs that wound higher and higher. At one point the pass narrowed to little more than a footpath along the sheer face of the mountain, and Johnny had all but decided to unhitch the cart and leave it behind when he stumbled upon an alternate route. Just when he would start to think that maybe he had taken a wrong turn, Johnny would find the footprints of the Major’s men in the snow, reassuring him and leading him forward.
