by Holly Jacobs
A date. It had been more than a decade since Carly had dated. She’d been all full of suggestions when Samantha had had dating angst and when Michelle had gotten confused over her relationship with Daniel. But now, here she was getting ready for her own date, and she didn’t have any suggestions for herself.
She finally gave up and dove into the stack of clothes she’d made on her bed, grabbing a pair of dressy denim trousers and a white turtleneck sweater. Even though the pants were dressier than regular jeans, they were still denim. And she wore sweaters on a daily basis in the winter, so it wasn’t anything extraordinary. She didn’t want Chuck to think she’d fussed over her clothes.
And she also didn’t want him to think she hadn’t given them a thought.
Jeans and a sweater conveyed both messages, she decided.
“Come on, Mom,” Rhiana called again. “They went into the laundry on Monday. You still haven’t done them?”
Carly stopped picking up the excess clothing on her bed and hung the items back up before storming to Rhiana’s room.
As she’d expected, the floor was littered with a week’s worth of dirty clothes, notebooks, wadded-up papers and probably half the dishes in the house. Carly scanned the mess and spied the pajama pants in the corner, one leg sticking out from behind the chair that Rhiana used as her version of a dirty clothes hamper.
Carly didn’t say anything, just pointed.
Rhiana turned around and spotted the pajama leg. “Oh, great. They’re dirty. Now I’ve got nothing to wear at Dad’s this weekend.”
“You have more than one pair of pajama pants.”
“Yes, but you didn’t wash any of them. The only things of mine on the table in the laundry room were two sweatshirts, a pair of jeans and a few pairs of socks.” She dropped her voice. “I don’t even have any clean underwear for next week. I guess you should do another load of laundry, huh?”
There were times Carly almost exploded with pride in her kids, but there were a growing number of times when pride was the exact opposite of what she was feeling.
This was one of those opposite-of-pride times.
She counted to ten before answering. “I guess you’d better go get a garbage bag, shove all your clothes in it and take it to your father’s with you. His condo has a washer and dryer, right?”
“Mom, they stack one on top of the other. It would take me five or six loads to get all this washed. It would take a whole day.”
She forced a smile. “Lucky for you, there’s both Saturday and Sunday left to get it all done. Otherwise, next week might be difficult with no clean underwear.”
“Mooommm.”
“Rhiana, you officially just took on doing all your own laundry. I’ve shown you how the machine works, how to do it. Now, it’s yours. You’re responsible for getting done what needs done.”
“But Mom…”
“Maybe after a few weeks of attending to your own laundry, you’ll be a bit more considerate. I’ve had a crazy busy week. I got up at five in order to get things done around the house, including the laundry, so that I’d have everything ready for you two when you went to your dad’s today after school.”
“But you didn’t do all my clothes,” Rhiana whined.
“I told you that I’d be doing the laundry and assumed you’d brought me everything you wanted done.” Thinking that settled that, Carly left Rhiana’s room.
“But Mom,” Rhiana repeated as she followed Carly into the hall, “you used to come in and pick my clothes up for me.”
“And that was my mistake. I’m sorry for that. It’s time you found out that things aren’t the same.”
“Right. You’re always too busy to give me what I need now.”
Part of Carly wanted to scream, what about what I need? Another part of her wanted to cringe. She’d worked so hard trying to keep it all together and to be sure the kids’ needs were met. Having Rhiana say she hadn’t managed hurt.
But she knew her daughter was also hurting, so rather than lashing out, Carly simply hugged her. “I am busy. But even if I wasn’t working, I hope I’d have figured out that babying you wasn’t doing you any favors. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet.”
“Great mom you are. You break up our family, burn down the neighborhood and then abandon your kids. Nice going, Mom.” Rhiana turned around, stomped to her room and slammed the door behind her.
Rhiana’s words hit dead-on.
Nice going, Carly.
Maybe her fight with Rhiana set the mood for the day’s Safety Awareness Program. It seemed none of the kids would meet her eye. She smiled, she handed out pamphlets, yet rather than talking with her and asking questions, they acted as if she was infected with some kind of mysterious plague.
It was the longest five hours of her life.
Afterward, Chuck had followed her home, where she’d dropped off her car, and got in his. Now, she was sitting in the car next to Chuck, feeling more and more uncomfortable and out of place.
She longed to turn to him and say, “take me home.” She didn’t know what to do, what to say. And feeling this out of place and awkward only added to her already sour mood.
“Carly, are you okay?”
“No,” she admitted. “It’s been a lousy sort of day. Rhiana and I had a fight, the kids at that school were not nearly as…”
“Friendly?” he finished for her. “Listen, it wasn’t just you. They didn’t have much to say to me either. When I tried to give them information on law enforcement, they gave me a look like being a cop was the last thing they’d ever do, and when I handed out safety info, a few actually scoffed. It was a tough crowd. That sometimes happens. It’s over now though. Your day’s looking up.”
“No, it’s not.” She wished she could suck the words in again because she knew she sounded as petulant as Rhiana had.
‘Hey, I think I resent that.”
“Don’t resent it. It’s not you, it’s me.”
Chuck glanced at her and shook his head. “That phrase is the kiss of death. All men fear it.”
She turned away from Chuck, not wanting to see his expression. It was easier to watch at the snow-covered houses out the window. “But it is me. I don’t know what to do about anything,” she admitted. “Rhiana is entering that difficult age for girls. My mom always said girls were easy until they hit their teens, and she hoped that in my twenties I’d like her again. It didn’t take me nearly that long. I’m hoping the same’s true for Rhiana. And it’s not just the kids. This. I don’t know how to date. Even something as casual as this is supposed to be.”
There. She’d said the words. Admitted how very lame she was. She glanced away from the window and stole a peek at Chuck.
He didn’t seem concerned by her revelation. He simply shrugged. “Take a deep breath, Carly. It’s not really our first. It’s our second if you count dinner at my parents.”
“I don’t. You invited me there as a front to keep your mother off your back. That’s not a date. That’s subterfuge.”
He laughed. “Fair enough, then. So let me help you out, this is the point where I tell you that although I know I said it’d be coffee, since your kids are gone, I thought I’d bump it up a bit. We’re going to Joe Roots for a late lunch, early dinner. Then, maybe a drive around the peninsula. I love it down there this time of year. It’s not really warm enough to walk, but it’s beautiful to look at the ice dunes. I know a place where we can park and see them. And on the drive, and afterward, we’ll converse and get to know each other better. It’s not hard.”
“You already know more about me than you probably should. My divorce, the arson—”
“Accidental arson,” he corrected, then glanced over at her with a huge grin on his face.
She laughed despite her nerves. “Yes. Accidental arson sounds so much nicer. But there’s more. You’ve already seen me crying, embarrassed and more than a little snarky.”
He shrugged again. “And I still asked you out. So relax. I’ve seen you at your worst m
oments, so what else can happen? Now, tell me about your day.”
“Not much to tell. Well, other than the fact that I had a fight with my daughter this morning. She seems to be of the opinion that I’ve ruined her life. I’m not sure it’s not true.”
“How old is she?”
“Eleven, almost twelve. Almost a teen.” At twelve, Sean was only one birthday away from being a teen. It seemed like yesterday they were both babies. They’d both loved and adored her. She could remember the feel of them, pressed against her as she rocked them. That baby scent. The magic of their smiles.
Rhiana wasn’t smiling now.
“Most kids that age are convinced of that. It will get worse for a few years, but eventually they’ll move away from home and come to understand how wonderful you were,” Chuck assured her.
Carly recalled that’s just what had happened when she went away to college. Suddenly her mother, who throughout her teens had felt like a warden, became her best friend. She wished she’d have known how short their time together would be. She’d have done more, called more.
She was pretty sure those sad thoughts hadn’t been Chuck’s intent, so she turned the tables. “Your turn. How was your day?”
“Same old, same old. Went into work early, met with the reporter from the paper, filled out a few forms, then came to the Safety Awareness Program. My job isn’t very NYPD Blue. As you’ve pointed out, I do know a bit more about you than you know about me, so ask me something.”
There was one question that had been begging to be asked. The old Carly—the don’t rock the boat Carly—probably would have let it go, but the new Carly went ahead and asked, “Why do you only date short-term?”
Rather than look offended, Chuck glanced away from the road to her and smiled. “That’s easy. Being a cop is tough. Swing shifts, working holidays. It’s hard on us, although it’s harder on families and significant others. I’ve seen a lot of guys end up divorced, and I don’t want to go that route. If I ever married, I’d want what my parents have, and I don’t see many cops with that kind of relationship, so I’ll just forgo for something less. I always make sure the women I’m dating understand there’s no forever for us. A few weeks of good companionship, and then we both go our own ways. No recriminations. No looking back. It’s neater. Easier.”
Carly thought through his explanation. It made sense. And on some level, she really could identify with what he was saying. Nothing in her wanted a serious relationship again. Yet…
She finally said, “Oh.”
Chuck pulled to a stop at a light on 12th Street, and this time turned her way and didn’t just glance. He really looked at her, as if he really saw her. That was something she wasn’t sure Dean had ever done—really seen her.
“Carly, I know we’re rather new acquaintances, but I recognize that your ‘oh’ means you don’t agree. It’s not like you to hold anything back.”
“It’s not for me to agree or disagree,” she said primly.
A car behind them honked, and Chuck began driving. “Come on, you can tell me. Spit it out.”
“Well,” she replied slowly, weighing her words. “It seems to me that’s a cop-out, pardon my pun.”
“How so?”
“You worry about divorce, so you never allow a relationship to progress beyond the superficial? Sounds like you’re scared, so you’ve set up a comfortable dating criteria that protects you.”
Chuck was busy navigating the busy 12th Street traffic, which meant she was able to study him at will. And she could tell by his expression—the way his brow bunched up and he frowned—that he didn’t like her analysis.
“Not that it’s any of my business,” she added quickly. “I’m scared, too, and I doubt I’ll ever do more than superficial dating again.”
His frown evaporated as he exclaimed, “Wow, we’re two of the most upbeat people around.”
“Hmm-mmm. Is this how most of your dates go?” she teased. “If so, I’m pretty sure that my plan to avoid too much of this kind of thing is a good one.”
“No, Carly, I’d have to say everything about you—from the way that we met, to our first date—is unique.”
And despite his smile, Carly wasn’t the least bit sure that was a compliment.
SOMEHOW THEY MADE THEIR way through a late lunch at Joe Roots, but it was close. Chuck didn’t think of himself as someone afraid of commitment, he thought of himself as a pragmatist. An upbeat pragmatic person.
After they’d eaten, they drove around Presque Isle. He found a perfect parking space beyond one of the far beaches where they could sit in the car, and see the ice dunes, which had been formed when the lake turned to ice and the waves and spray froze.
“I don’t think I’ve ever come down here in the winter,” Carly said. “But I wish I had. It’s beautiful. It’s as if a wave was coming in off the lake, and just froze.”
She leaned forward to get a better look. “Can we go out?”
She’d only worn a coat to the program. No hat, no gloves, no scarf. Rather than point that out, he simply said, “It’s only in the twenties.”
“That’s fine. I’m game if you are.”
“Hang on a minute.” He reached behind his seat and pulled out his work bag and dug around. “Here, put these on.”
She took the hat and the thick gloves he handed her. “I don’t need to—”
“Like you said, you don’t come down here this time of year.”
“But what about you?”
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his own hat and gloves. “I’m good. And I know you’d never let your kids out in this weather without a hat. Just wear them, okay? Please?”
For a moment, he thought she was going to argue. It seemed that Carly felt compelled to resist doing what she was told. Asking seemed to work better because she nodded.
“Yes, Mom,” she teased. Dressed, she opened the door and stepped outside.
He followed and didn’t mention his gloves looked absurdly large on her hands. Really absurdly large.
“We can’t stay long. It’ll be getting dark and the park closes soon.”
“I just want to go out on the dunes for a minute.”
He grabbed her arm before she could dart off toward them. “You can’t walk on them. Ice dunes are notoriously fragile, and these are early this year, so they’re probably even more so. We can take a short walk along the beach and look at them.”
“Now I see why you’re a cop. You’re bossy.”
He couldn’t tell if she was teasing, but suspected she wasn’t. “I just didn’t want to have to jump in and rescue you.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve found being rescued doesn’t sit well with me,” she replied, then started walking far faster than someone as tiny as she was should be able to.
“Carly, wait up. I didn’t mean—”
“I know. It’s not you, it’s me, remember? Let’s forget my snit and enjoy the view.”
He wasn’t sure what had happened. Normally, he’d let it go, but he wanted to figure out Carly Lewis. “Carly?”
“My ex used to think I needed to be rescued, needed his guidance. And for a long time, I was okay with that. But when he left, I discovered the only one I could count on was myself. I don’t want to rely on someone else, and I certainly don’t want to be rescued by someone else.”
“Even if you were drowning?” he joked.
She hesitated, then with a grin and a mock sigh said, “Okay, so if I’m drowning, you can help me. I’m talking literally drowning. Going under, can’t breathe. But if I’m figuratively drowning, let me go. Let me figure it out on my own and I’ll rescue myself.”
He stood next to her and put an arm around her shoulder. “Deal.”
They stood and just looked out at the frozen lake for a long time. “We probably should get going before one of the park rangers comes by to kick us out.”
“Yeah. But thanks for bringing me here. You live somewhere your whole life and take things for granted. I usu
ally come here in the summer, but never really stopped to think how beautiful it might be in the winter.”
He still had his arm around her as they walked back to his car. He was pretty sure Carly hadn’t really noticed, otherwise she’d shrug it off and assure him she didn’t need anyone to hold her.
Bristles. That’s what she wanted everyone to see. But he’d had a glimpse of a woman who found an ice dune beautiful and didn’t want to take anything for granted. She had a hard shell with a gooey center.
And he was smart enough not to mention the insight to her.
They seemed to have turned a corner. The ride back across Erie to the east side of town was much more comfortable.
“Well, thanks,” she said as he pulled into the drive. “I had a great evening.”
“I’ll see you to the door.” He’d already opened his door, positive Carly wasn’t going to sit and wait for him to come around to her side and get her door for her.
He was right.
Carly was out and on her way onto the porch before he caught up. She fumbled in her purse for her keys, then turned to him. For the first time since the ice dune, she looked nervous again. “Well, thanks so much, Chuck.”
What now? He tried to jolly her out of whatever had set off this newest onslaught of nerves. “You don’t have to sound so happy to have the evening end. Remember, my ego and all that.”
“I’m pretty sure your ego can handle my relief that my official FDSD—”
“FDSD?” he asked.
“First date since divorce. Anyway, I think your ego can handle that I’m relieved it’s over. It was another hurdle I had to overcome.”
“A hurdle? You know, a guy could get real conceited with all the compliments you bandy around.” There was an edge to his comment, he heard it and wondered if Carly noticed. She didn’t give any indication. Didn’t seem contrite or embarrassed.
Bristles, he reminded himself. He just needed to get underneath the bristles. “And if we counted that meal at my mom’s, it’s a second date. And they both went really well.”
“Your mom’s did not go well. You set me up to attack your poor, defenseless, mourning brother-in-law.”
