Writing Our Love

by Sammi Cee

  * * *

  It wasn’t totally smooth sailing. I had to answer a lot of questions about how it would work and if I was sure, but in the end, they were all supportive. Not just of my unique situation, but of Shelly’s new relationship with Dottie, as well.

  * * *

  It’s been years since my Daniel and Marcy came out to visit Shelly, but he said they’d be planning a trip back in the summer. My parents will be here right after the new year. I expected nothing less from any of them.

  Shayna

  Sixteen

  Shay

  “Shel, how is your mom so calm?” I hear Dottie asking Shel from the kitchen.

  I chuckle to myself at Shel’s response. “My mom’s always calm. She’s never really lets little things freak her out, honey.”

  In an outraged whisper, sounding horrified, Dottie says, “Little things? Are you kidding me? We spent the last two days getting her all moved in with Coop and Eli. As soon as we get back over there, we’re leaving to drive to Eli’s parents’ house. To the parents he already doesn’t think accept him anymore, and he’s bringing his new family which includes his gay lover and their girlfriend. Your mom! Your mom who also happens to be older than them. Why aren’t you worried? What is wrong with you two?”

  Knowing my daughter as well as I do, I know she’s probably standing in there pissing her pants laughing at her girlfriend. I call out, “Dottie, come here, sweetheart.”

  A shamefaced Dottie comes into the living room with my hysterical daughter trailing her. I can’t see the face Dottie makes when she looks back at her, but I imagine it’s not good since Shelly immediately begins trying to get her laughter under control.

  Dottie stands over me as I rest on the couch, and says, “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make this any harder on you. I’m just kinda freaking out here. And it’s freaking me out that you’re not freaking out. What if they’re mean to Elijah? What if they’re horrible to you? And oh my God, you’re also bringing your daughter and her girlfriend. Maybe we shouldn’t go.”

  My heart hurts when I think how life must have been for her that she’s filled with this much anxiety over a dinner. A dinner that not even Coop is concerned with anymore. Although, I’m sure that me agreeing to move in with him and Eli helped. It didn’t make sense not to at this point, I can’t even remember the last time I’d been home for a night.

  Gesturing at the couch with my eyes, Dottie takes the hint and has a seat next to me. It feels a lot like having a serious conversation with Eli in those early days, especially when Shelly comes and rests her hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders to soothe her while I clutch both her hands in mine.

  “Sweetheart, you don’t have to be scared. We’re going to have a wonderful holiday as a family. This afternoon we’ll have a Christmas Eve meal with Eli’s family, and no matter what, tomorrow we’ll all be at Coop’s, well our house, for Christmas. Eli moved all of his stuff into our room, and I made up the bed nice and fresh for you girls. And then, until you guys go back, you’ll come over to our house as much as you want and spend all the time you want with us.”

  “B…b…but what if it’s terrible? They may hate the three of you are together or how old you are. What if they upset Eli so much he doesn’t want to come back or tomorrow he can’t even function? Wouldn’t it maybe be better to put this visit off until after the holidays?”

  Smoothing one hand over the top of Dottie’s head, Shelly says, “Honey, if his parents minded that much, they would have told us not to come. You have to try and have a little faith. And if it gets too bad, I’ll kick some ass.”

  It’s Dottie’s turn to roll her eyes, but she doesn’t glance at my ridiculous daughter. She continues to stare beseechingly into my eyes, and I want nothing more than to reassure her that everything’s going to be perfect. But I can’t do that. I won’t lie to her. “You know what? You’re right. This may go to shit. It really may. And then we’ll come home and still do the same things I just said, and we’ll surround Eli with love. He’s not going to be left out on his own. We’ll all be here for him to help him through. It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”

  Shelley interjects, “Don’t worry, honey. I know you haven’t had a good Christmas in years. I promised you this one will be special. And it will be. No matter what.” She leans down to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek as I give her hands one more reassuring squeeze. Letting her go, I lean back to give them a minute to talk and I contemplate the last several months of my life.

  So many changes I couldn’t have possibly imagined have occurred. And facing the unknown today is scary for all of us. Maybe I should be more worried about Eli’s parents reception of me, but I can’t find it in me to worry. The three of us are building a life that surpasses what anyone can try to take away. Whatever happens, I know that together, we can handle it.

  Coop

  This is it. Breathe in. Breathe out. As Eli walks through his parents’ front door, I can’t help but be concerned for him. I also can’t help but to stare at the opulence of their home. While I’ve always known he was a rich kid, for some reason, I’d never realized how rich he meant. His parents live in a mini-mansion at the end of a long driveway. The way the rocks are formed in patterns with sculptures in the middle speak to the incredible landscaping that must exist when it’s not so cold out. The Christmas decorations are simple yet tasteful, and I’m sure by the time we leave, the strands of lights I can see lining the house and speckling the bushes are going to turn on for a magnificent display.

  I also didn’t realize how large a family Eli’s from. His focus is so often on how disappointing he is to his parents, that we don’t talk about his siblings much. As we enter the foyer, there are five adults—two obviously his parents—and several children. Thankfully, Shay had insisted we all dress nicely as the women are all in dresses and skirts, and the men are all in khakis with blazers. Holiday meals for me growing up meant sweatpants since dad and I indulged and ate way too much food.

  Letting my eyes roam the room, only one word comes to mind, intimidating. Eli’s family is one hundred percent intimidating. When the older gentlemen steps forward with one hand outstretched to Eli for a handshake, I’m struck by the coldness and formality of his greeting. After two sharp pumps of the hand, his father steps back. “Elijah, it was nice of you to make it. Please introduce us to your… friends.”

  That’s it. No hello to him from anyone else, just a brisk handshake from his father. And for some reason, after all these years of feeling like a failure and less than, cowering whenever he had to be anywhere near his family, Elijah changes right in front of all of our eyes.

  His spine straightens, his shoulders square, his head tips up, and his arms v out at the sides while he opens his hands. Turning his neck to look back at us, he says, “Come here, loves.” Shay and I exchange glances, her eyes are as wide as I’ve ever seen them, and I imagine mine are, too. As we go up on either side of him, he clasps our hands, gently tugging us both right up against his side. “Mom, Dad, everyone, I’d like you meet Shayna and Coop, and the two lovely young ladies are Shay’s daughter, Shelly, and her girlfriend, Dottie. This is my family.” Shel and Dot have already moved up to stand by Shay so we’re a united front.

  One of the younger men grunts. “Must be nice. Glad he claims someone as family.” Then turns and stomps out of the room with a young woman running out after him.

  Eli’s mom looks back down the hall the young man exited before turning back to us, approaching slowly, hesitantly. Eli’s father’s face is still an unreadable mask with his eyes fixed on his son, while everyone else stares down at their feet. Before I can move to say or do anything, Shay lets go of Eli’s hand and steps away from us toward Eli’s mom. “Mrs. Norton, it’s so nice to meet you. Your son means the world to us, so it’s nice to meet the woman who raised him into such a fine man.” Then she hugs Eli’s mom, just walks right in there and wraps her arms around the taller, slim woman and squeezes her tight. His mom’s rigid
stance dissolves almost immediately and she wraps her arms around Shay’s shoulder just as tight and begins to sob.

  If Eli could see what I see, him and his father make the exact same incredulous expression at the exact same time. I hear Dottie’s faint, “Wow,” and glance over to see that she’s watching the same thing I am. Eli is an exact replica of his father, a carbon copy. Astonishingly enough, both their reactions to his mom’s outburst reflect shock and nervousness. Shelly, on the other hand, moves right next to Eli with a big grin on her face, threading her arm through his and lying her head on his shoulder. “See, mom’s gut always knows. You have to trust her ways.”

  A woman, whose resemblance to Eli is unmistakable, approaches Shell and Dot, vaguely I hear her introduce herself and offer for the girls to follow her into the family room for refreshments and to watch the children play. Shelly reaches around Eli’s back to pat my shoulder before giving Eli a kiss on the cheek and accepting her invitation. Dottie gives Eli a kiss on the cheek, as well, and links hands with her girlfriend to follow along as the whole family vacates the front entrance and leaves us alone with Eli’s parents.

  Eli looks from his mom and Shay back to his father. “Dad?”

  Mr. Norton tears his eyes off his wife, settling his troubled eyes on Elijah. Clearing his throat, he says, “Maybe we should all take this into the sitting room.” The sitting room? Who has a sitting room? The question plays on repeat as his father turns and goes down the hall, bypassing where the sounds of the others’ voices are drifting from and into an extravagantly elegant room. While clutching my hand, Eli and I follow after him, glancing back to see Shay practically holding Mrs. Norton up while she rubs her back and whispers into her ear. We follow after his father as requested though, leaving the two women alone.

  Eli

  I feel like I’ve entered the twilight zone. My mother never cries, well, she cried the night of my accident, but I haven’t seen her shed a tear since. Coop and I settle next to each other on what I have always considered the most uncomfortable sofa in the world while my dad goes straight to the mini bar he has set up in the corner of the room. “Anyone else need a drink? I feel like we should all have a drink.” My eyes widen as my dad pours three tumblers of brandy, draining one of them immediately before refilling the glass. Coop lets go of my hand to cross the room and take a drink for both of us from my father’s outstretched hands. Once Coop is seated, we all regard each other warily, and I really have no idea what to say.

  Clearing his throat my dad says, “That’s some lady you have there, Eli. I can’t remember the last time your mother burst into tears like that.”

  Before I can respond, my brother Ronnie, who had shocked me with leaving the hall a few moments ago, walks in and with a shaky voice says, “I can. It was the second Elijah was out of sight when we dropped him off for boot camp. The last time before that was when they called us to the scene of the accident where they were struggling to get him out of the car so they could get him to the hospital. It figures it would be him coming home that would make her cry like that again.”

  I feel Coop tense beside me, so I reach over and place my hand on his thigh to calm him. My thoughts are whirling at the anger in my little brother’s voice, but I know I deserve it. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I never meant to be such a failure. I’m so sorry I’ve brought shame and embarrassment to the family. I was so young, and I’ve tried to make up for it, but I know nothing can ever erase my behavior.”

  My mother’s gasp from next to my brother draws my eyes. I didn’t hear her and Shay follow us down the hall. Her face is blotchy from crying, her eyes are watery with dark smudges under the lids, however, it’s the way she steeples her hands in front of her mouth that makes me realize I’ve said something horribly wrong. When she rushes and drops down to her knees in front of me, I’m baffled. This is not my mother, not since we were little kids and she would get down on the floor with us and play with the train set up around the Christmas tree.

  Removing my hand from Coop’s leg, I reach across and hand him the tumbler from my other hand, and I rest my hands on top of my mom’s where she now has them resting on my knees. “Eli, we’re not ashamed of you. Why on earth would you think that?” Tears spill over the bottom of her eye lids as she stares beseechingly into my eyes. I search her expression, every nuance of her face before glancing to my dad. His cheeks are drawn tight, and it looks as if he’s battling tears of his own, his shoulders droop under my stare as he sags back against the bar.

  “But…” is all I manage to get out before my gaze lands on Ronnie, who is now tucked firmly into Shay’s side—how does she get people so comfortable with her so fast—an expression as equally pained as my mom’s on his face. Confused, I turn my head toward Coop to find him smiling at me tenderly. “What am I missing?” I whisper to him.

  My dad responds, tone less formal than when he greeted us at the front door, and possibly a little sad. “Elijah, what ever gave you the impression we think you’re an embarrassment? We’re so proud to have a son who served our country for years. We’re disappointed that you didn’t find a job closer to home—to us—but we knew that Cooper was your best friend for all those years, even if you never wanted us to meet him, we knew he played a big part in your contentment while being enlisted. And now, well, we’re happy you found a job that you obviously love and are making your way. I don’t understand why you would think we’re disappointed in you.”

  My mom’s hands tighten on my knees. “Eli, please, we don’t want you to hate us anymore. We all miss you. I miss my son.”

  Feeling like I’ve been sucker punched by my own mother from the pain in her voice, my head rears back. “Hate you? Why would I hate you? I love you; you all hate me.” The silence that descends is only broken by mom’s muffled cries as she leans her forehead onto her hands on my knees. My dad walks over, kneeling on one side of her, wrapping his arm around her, regarding me somberly, while Ronnie walks over and kneels on the other side of her. Shay comes to sit beside me, her hand immediately going to the back of my neck as Coop rubs my lower back from the other side.

  Ronnie gives me a tentative smile, his eyes glossy with moisture. “Lij, is that what you’ve thought all these years, that we hate you?”

  “Of course, and I don’t blame you. The accident was horrible, and I could’ve hurt someone. I was so irresponsible and reckless. I don’t blame any of you for wanting me to go away. Sending me to the military was the best thing you could’ve done for the whole family. I get it, I do. But I was hoping after enough time passed that you would be able to forgive me, want me to part of the family again.”

  “Oh, Elijah, this is my fault. Your mother has begged me for years to talk to you. But I told her that we had to respect your choices.” With a sigh, he says, “I’ve told the whole family that you’re an adult, and we couldn’t badger you to do what we want. The doctor had said… but we thought. All these years of miscommunication. Eli, what do you remember from after your accident?”

  Suddenly Ronnie jumps up. “Hold that thought. Don’t say another word until we go in the family room. Come on. We have to go in with the others to have this conversation.”

  On autopilot I stand up when Coop gets up and pulls me up next to him. Ronnie walks down the hall with my parents right behind him and us in the rear. He leads us to the tv room. It’s always been my favorite spot in the house. It’s a massive room, but tucked back away to the side from the others, it’s the room mom has always kept warm and inviting. This isn’t the room company was ever invited into, this room was for the family.

  The couches are comfortable, the Christmas tree in this room obviously decorated with ornaments the children have made, even running a quick eye over it I can see the pipe cleaner ornaments and the ones made of foam. Ornaments made with love instead of the fancy ones decorating the trees in other areas of the house. Those trees are elegant and for show, but the one in here has always represented family.

  Ronnie is a ball i
n motion as he leads us in, turning off the tv, getting each of the children settled with their parents with something for them to do in their hands, and he directs my other siblings to get comfortable. He quickly runs through the conversation we’d been having, and my oldest sister’s face softens as she smiles brightly at me. My sister, Darla, who’s a couple of years older than me looks at her husband, exclaiming, “Well, fu—you were right. So many wasted years.”

  “Told you,” he says back, looking like the Cheshire Cat, chuckling when my sister sticks her tongue out at him.

  “Told her what?” Cooper asks.

  “Okay, Dad, now talk,” Ronnie says triumphantly.

  We had walked in and settled on the couch to the right of the fireplace next to Shel and Dot, and my mom had sat in the recliner right next to the couch with dad perched on the arm of her chair. “Son, what do you remember from after the accident?”

  “Um, the night of the accident is really fuzzy. I remember the pain, asking the guy who was trying to help me to please get my mom. I remember thinking I was going to die. I don’t remember the ride to the hospital, but I vaguely remember mom crying when I woke up the next day.”

  Jessie, the oldest, says, “Eli, you didn’t wake up for two weeks.”

  “Two weeks?” Shay asks. “Lovey, you never told us that.”

  “I… I don’t remember that. So many of the days after the accident blurred together. I know I had to finish out my senior year from home, and the school sent a tutor. They told me I could graduate and walk with my class, but I didn’t want to face anyone from school. Especially after dad told me I couldn’t go to college, that my enlistment had been all set up with the recruiter.”