Tell me, Alice Buckle, what car would you be if you were a car right now?
That’s easy: a Ford Escape. A hybrid. Base model. Well-used. A scraped-up front bumper. Pings all over the doors. A mysterious rotten-apple smell rising up from the floorboards, but dependable. A car with all-wheel drive that’s good in the snow but whose potential is totally wasted because its owner lives in a city where the temperature rarely dips below 40.
And that, right there, is the problem.
18
25. William’s girlfriend’s name was Helen Davies and she was the VP of Branding. The rumor floating around the firm was that they would be engaged any day. They came in together in the mornings, sipping their coffees. They’d go to Kendall Square for lunch. She’d retrieve him at the end of the day and off they’d zip down to Newbury Street for cocktails. She was always stunningly dressed. I shopped at Filene’s Basement.
I was put to work on a toilet paper account. It wasn’t as bad as it sounded. I got to go home with rolls of TP samples and think of inventive new ways to say gets your ass really clean with just one sheet.
I put him out of my mind. Until one day he sent me an email.
– Are those running shoes on your desk?
I emailed him back.
– Sorry! I know that’s a filthy habit. Putting my shoes on working surfaces. It won’t happen again.
And then he emailed me again.
– Just went by your cubicle. Where are they now?
– Where are what now?
And then a flurry of emails.
– Your running shoes, Brown.
– They’re on my feet.
– Because you’re going home?
– Because I’m going running.
– When?
– At lunch.
– Where?
– Um-outside.
– Yes, Brown. I assumed outside. Where outside?
– I start at the Charles Hotel. I do a five-mile loop.
– Meet you there in fifteen minutes.
19
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Timing
Date: May 18, 12:50 PM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
It might take me a little longer than usual to get the answers back to you, as things are a bit crazy here. I should probably let you know that my husband was demoted. I’m sure we’ll figure it out, but it’s been stressful on all of us. I have to say it’s a strange time to be recounting our courtship. It’s hard for me to reconcile the young, vibrant William and Alice with the currently middle-aged us. It makes me kind of sad.
All the best,
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Timing
Date: May 18, 12:52 PM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
I’m very sorry to hear about your husband’s job. Please take all the time you need. Going back to the beginning is often difficult and dredges up all sorts of emotions. But in the long run I think you’ll find it enlightening to return to the past.
Sincerely,
Researcher 101
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Gambling
Date: May 18, 1:05 PM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
Sometimes when I log on to my computer I feel like I’m in a casino sitting in front of a slot machine. I have the same shivery feeling of anticipation-that anything is possible and anything can happen. All I have to do is pull the lever, i.e. press Send.
The rewards are immediate. I hear the machine churning. I hear all the lovely chimes and whooshes and pings. And when the symbols come up: “Kate O’Halloran likes your comment”; “Kelly Cho wants to be your friend”; “You have been tagged in a photo”-I am a winner.
What I’m trying to say is thanks for such a quick response.
Best,
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Unreachability
Date: May 18, 1:22 PM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
I understand what you’re saying completely, and often feel the same way, although I have to admit it worries me. It seems like we’ve gotten to the point where our experiences, our memories-our entire lives, actually-aren’t real unless we post about them online. I wonder if we might miss the days of being unreachable.
All the best,
Researcher 101
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Unreachability
Date: May 18, 1:25 PM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
I do not long for the old, unreachable days. When I’m plugged in I can go anywhere, do and learn anything. Today, for instance, I visited a tiny library in Portugal. I learned how the Shakers weave baskets and I discovered my best friend in middle school loves blood-orange sorbet. Okay, I also learned that a certain pop star actually believes she’s a fairy, an honest-to-goodness fairy from the fey people, but my point is access. Access to information. I don’t even have to look out my window to see what the weather is like. I can have the weather delivered every morning to my phone. What could be better?
Sincerely,
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Weather
Date: May 18, 1:26 PM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
Getting caught in the rain?
All the best,
Researcher 101
20
WEEKEND FORECAST
T HE B UCKLE H OUSEHOLD
529 I RVING D RIVE
ALERT: Rapidly Developing Class 3 Marital Storm
Saturday AM
Windchill: Cold. Extremely cold. Freezing out husband while trying to pretend nothing is wrong.
Hi: Making it through day without screaming.
Lo: Head in hands. Soft moaning. Constant bouts of shame and mortification imagining KKM employees emailing Cialis video to hundreds of friends and said video then going viral.
Visibility: Limited. Refuse to look above husband’s jaw in order to avoid eye contact.
Share Weather: send to [email protected]
Instant Message from [email protected]
Nedra: Poor William!
Alice: Poor William? Poor me!
Nedra: This is what you get for going behind William’s back.
Alice: Did you even watch the video?
Nedra: Want my advice?
Alice: That depends. What will it cost me?
Nedra: Forget you ever saw it.
Saturday PM
Heat Index: Very High. Boiling hot.
Hi: Sitting on the couch watching Masterpiece Theatre.
Lo: Mentally trying to count the number of times we’ve had sex in the past twenty years while pretending to watch Masterpiece Theatre. Can’t do sums in head. Use fingers to add. Estimate 859. What’s wrong with that?
Visibility: Poor to none. Dense fog while trying to guess the number of times we’ll have sex in the next twenty years.
Share Weather: send to [email protected]
Instant Message from [email protected]
Nedra: Do not withhold sex.
Alice: Why not?
Nedra: This is not about sex.
Alice: What’s it about?
Nedra: Intimacy. There’s a difference.
Alice: What do you suggest?
Nedra: Reach out to him.
Alice: What kind of a divorce lawyer are you?
Sunday PM
Wind: Calming.
Hi: Horosc
ope says unexpected romance on its way.
Lo: Viewing Cialis video for the eighth time. In my defense, repeated viewings of video are the best way to desensitize myself to the horrific public humiliation inflicted by my husband. I think I deserve a medal. I tell my family I deserve a medal. For what, they ask.
Drought Conditions: Improving. I sat next to him on the couch.
Share Weather: Send to [email protected]
Instant Message from [email protected]
Nedra: Did you delete the bloody video?
Alice: Yes.
Nedra: Good girl. Now move on.
Alice: Horoscope says romance is on the way.
Nedra: Sure it is, sweetheart.
Alice: I just have to be patient.
Nedra You have it good. You know that, don’t you?
Alice: Being patient is not easy for a Virgo.
Nedra: Or a divorce lawyer. CU.
21
26. Not emptying out the coffee grinds. Pee on the bathroom floor. Not shutting the bathroom door while peeing. Reading over my shoulder. Jeans inside-out in the laundry basket.
27. Three, okay, five.
28. Once a year.
29. In every way. In no way. I can’t answer that question.
30. A book of stamps.
31. He was waiting in the courtyard of the Charles Hotel. Wearing his Walkman. He nodded at me, we took off, and he didn’t say a word for the entire run. I, on the other hand, didn’t shut up-at least in my head. Asics, huh; must have wide feet. Why isn’t he talking? Does he hate me? Are we doing something wrong? Am I supposed to pretend we’re not running together? Why doesn’t he run with Helen? Helen of Troy? What is he listening to? Is this a date? Jesus, he’s cute. What kind of game is he playing? He smells like Coast soap. Are my thighs jiggling? Yep, he just touched my breast with his elbow accidentally. Does he know it was my breast? Was it on purpose? Why isn’t he saying anything? Well, screw him, I’m not saying anything either.
We ran five miles in forty-one minutes. When we got back to Peavey Patterson he nodded once more, then went left, to the executive washroom. I turned right, to the employee bathroom. When I got back to my desk, my hair stuck up in a messy, limp ponytail, there was an email waiting for me. You run fast.
32. That if we weren’t careful, it was possible to forget one another.
22
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Hello
Date: May 20, 11:50 AM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Things haven’t been great between my husband and me, which makes it hard to answer the questions. Especially the ones about us falling in love.
All the best,
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: May 20, 11:53 AM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
That’s completely understandable given the circumstances, although I have to say you do a wonderful job with the questions. You seem to remember all the details, which, come to think of it, may have something to do with the difficulty you’re experiencing. You recall your past so vividly. When I read your #31 I almost felt like I was there. I’m curious. Are you able to experience the present with the same sort of attention to detail?
I hope things have improved with your husband’s job situation.
Sincerely,
Researcher 101
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: May 20, 11:55 AM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
I’m not sure they’ve improved, but at least I’ve cut down the time I spend in the grocery store trying to choose between Minute Maid or Tropicana. Now I just grab the SunnyD. And no, I am not capable of experiencing the present with the same sort of attention to detail. But once the present becomes the past I seem to have no problem attending to it obsessively.:)
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: May 20, 11:57 AM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
What ever happened to Tang?
Researcher 101
From: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: May 20, 12:01 PM
To: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Researcher 101,
You know, I can’t help playing “what if” right now. What if I had been a biker, not a runner? What if William had married Helen of Troy instead of me?
Sincerely,
Wife 22
From: researcher101 ‹[email protected]›
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: May 21, 1:42 PM
To: Wife 22 ‹[email protected]›
Wife 22,
In my experience “what if” is a very dangerous game.
All the best,
Researcher 101
23
I’m sitting on a bench, my phone in my hand, while a hundred or so children run circles around me. I’m on recess duty. Some of the teachers hate recess duty, they say it’s exhausting and mind-numbingly tedious, but I don’t mind it. I’m excellent at scanning the sea of kids, reading their body language, listening to the pitch of their voices, and getting to them moments before the illegal hair-pulling, Pokémon card trading, or Hello Kitty glitter lip gloss application begins. This kind of intuition can be either a gift or a curse, but I like to think of it as a gift. Recess duty is like driving. The surface is hyper-alert, leaving the rest of me free to process what’s going on in my life.
I took Nedra’s advice and never told William that I went behind his back and spoke to Kelly Cho. That makes two secrets I’m keeping from him now-the marriage study and my viewing the Cialis focus group tape. I did get a little hysterical while sharing my budget spreadsheets with him and said something along the lines of you have to try harder. He says he’s investigating openings at other ad agencies in the city, but I’m afraid it’s futile. Things are bad everywhere. Shops are closing and ad budgets are shrinking or disappearing altogether. He has to make it work at KKM. As far as the Cialis focus group, I’ve decided I will never go to another KKM product launch again.
And my job? I’m lucky to have one. When the school year ends, I’m going to approach the Parents’ Association about the possibility of making my job full-time in the fall. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll have to look for a higher-paying job. I need to bring in more income.
The bell rings and the kids start running back into the building. I open my Facebook app quickly.
Shonda Perkins Alice Buckle
Definition of friend: Somebody you’ve actually had a meal with in the last year.
43 minutes ago
John F. Kennedy Middle School
Suggests you limit your child’s screen time to one hour per day, this includes texting, tweeting and Facebooking. This does not include conducting online research for classes.
55 minutes ago
Weight Watchers
Come back! We miss you!
3 hours ago
William Buckle added Tone Loc and Mahler to favorite music
4 hours ago
William Buckle added Deer Hunter, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and Field of Dreams to favorite movies
4 hours ago
Tone Loc? “Funky Cold Medina” Tone Loc? And William’s favorite movie is Field of Dreams? We are decidedly not in a field of dreams. A field of thorns, maybe. William was demoted for telling his entire company how many times a month we have sex, and I’m sneaking around be
hind my husband’s back, telling a total stranger about how he once touched my boob with his elbow. Like my namesake Alice, I’ve slipped down the rabbit hole, fall, falling, fell.
24
33. If it’s a subject that interests him.
34. I was sleeping with a guy named Eddie. I met him at the gym where I swam laps. Eddie was a trainer in the weight room. He was sweet and uncomplicated. He had these red cheeks and perfect teeth. He wasn’t my type, but his body-oh, my God. Our relationship was purely physical and the sex was amazing, but I knew it would never go anywhere further than that. Of course I hadn’t told him this yet.
“Hey, Al, Allie!”
It was Friday afternoon and I was standing at the counter at Au Bon Pain ordering a chicken salad sandwich and a Diet Coke. I had been in line for fifteen minutes. There were twenty or so people queued up behind me.
“ ’Scuse me, ’scuse me. I’m with her.”
Eddie pushed his way to the front of the line. “Hi, doll.”
I had never been with a man who called me “doll” before, and I have to admit I liked it-until now. In the bedroom it made me feel petite and Bonnie and Clyde-ish, but here in Au Bon Pain it sounded cheap.
He kissed me on the cheek. “Man, it’s crowded in here.”
He wore a blue bandana tied around his head, Rambo-style. I had seen this bandana in the weight room, which was, as far as I was concerned, where a bandana worn like this belonged. We really hadn’t been out in public yet. Normally I went to his apartment or he came to mine; as I said, our relationship was really about sex. But here we were in Au Bon Pain and here he was looking like Sylvester Stallone, and I was mortified.
“Aren’t you hot?” I said, staring blatantly at his forehead, trying to silently telegraph you’re in Cambridge, not the North End, take that ridiculous thing off.
“It is kind of hot in here,” he said, slipping out of his jeans jacket, stripping down to a wife-beater. He leaned forward, his deltoids flexing, and put a twenty on the counter. “Make it two chicken salads,” he said, then turned to me. “I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Well, you did! Surprise me, I mean. Um-I think they have a no-tank-top rule in here.”
Wife 22 Page 6
