He made his way over to where she stood, glanced around and then back at her, lowering his voice. “Look…I wanted to apologise. I have no clue what’s going on with you and Jason and it’s none of my business… If I’m completely honest, it was jealousy talking. Now forgive me for saying what I’m about to say, as I’m aware that it’s highly inappropriate, but I feel it needs to be said by way of explanation for my outburst. I find you very attractive, Stevie, and I’d kind of hoped that us being here together might give us a chance to get to know each other better and that maybe you’d realise you liked me too. I see now that it’s not going to happen. And it’s obvious that there’s something between you and Jason. But…the way he looks at you is…well…odd. He looks at you like he’s known you forever. Like you’re the love of his life or something. He looks like he wants to swallow you whole. What I mean is…just be careful, okay? He looks like he could chew you up and spit you out. And…I just wanted to say that I’m here if you need me.”
She was shocked by this latest development and of his description of the looks Jason had given her. But she smiled sweetly and nodded, unsure of what else to say.
Once her sprayskirt was fixed in place, helmet on, and her perfectly fine lifejacket was zipped up, Harry secured her into her boat. She joined the rest of the kids as she paddled like crazy getting nowhere fast. Before long she was upside down under the freezing cold water of Loch Morlich. Once she righted herself again, she started the whole cycle over. Paddle like crazy, lose control, roll, repeat. In the end, she gave up and sat stationary in her kayak, watching the others have fun.
Even as the clouds closed in overhead and she was finally subjected to the rain that Scotland was noted for, her thoughts continually drifted back to Jason and his arrogant defence mechanism. There was no wonder he hadn’t had a proper relationship in ten years if that was how he behaved. It was as if he was terrified to let anyone get close.
Seeing his eyes this morning filled with a combination of rage and lust was quite frightening and—even more disconcerting—a major turn on. Clearly, he was a man who could be fierce, a trait he had surely picked up along the way. It was certainly not something he was known for ten years ago. Back then he was sensitive, mild and calm, a deep thinker. He had called his former self a prissy wimp this morning. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She had never viewed him that way. But he clearly disdained his past, and that was understandable considering what he had endured.
She shook her head, deciding that mulling over this was a waste of her time. She began paddling once more, but no sooner had she begun than she was under the water yet again.
****
At the end of a very long and tiring day, the students had all disembarked the bus in the low light of the mid-evening and made their weary way to their cabins to shower and change for dinner. Stevie felt achy and bedraggled. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were still damp from the rain and capsizing countless times, despite the instructions Harry was shouting over the noise of the raucous teenagers.
Once all the students and David were out of sight, she made her way to Jason’s cabin. She had no clue what to expect. She had no clue if he’d even be there. But something compelled her to go and find out.
Chapter Twelve
The lights were off when Stevie arrived at the cabin. Not letting this discourage her, she walked around to his door to find that it had been left ajar. She pushed it open and stepped inside. The place was silent.
“What do you want?” came a gruff voice from behind her. She physically jumped. He stood silhouetted in the doorway, and as it had dropped quite dark outside, his face wasn’t visible.
She sighed heavily. “I came to apologise for what I said this morning.”
“Right. Well you’ve said it, so you can fuck off back to your cabin now.”
She inhaled sharply as his words cut her. “Jason…please. I didn’t mean it. You are nothing like your father. It was wrong of me to make such an evil comparison.”
“Nope, you were right. I have got his blood running through my veins. I just never imagined it would be you who pointed that out to me. Now, please leave.” He stepped aside for her, but she stayed rooted to the spot.
“No, I’m not leaving. Not this time.”
“Suit yourself. I’m having another drink, and then I’m off to bed to try and forget this past few days ever happened.” He walked past her. “You can let yourself out.”
He walked over to the counter top and flicked a switch which made the under cabinet lighting illuminate. He grabbed a half empty bottle of single malt, poured three fingers of the amber liquid into a glass, and downed half in one gulp, hissing through his teeth after he’d swallowed. He turned to face her, and his eyes were red rimmed.
“You still fucking here?”
She nodded. “Jason, I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Nah, leaving is my job, eh? And I’m fucking good at it apparently. The best,” he mumbled, the Scottish tinge to his accent strengthening in his less than sober state.
Tentatively, she walked toward him. “Are you drunk? You’re swearing a lot. Have you had a lot of that today?”
He shook his head. “Nah. This is only my second…maybe my third…fourth. Why?”
“Because I need to say some things to you, and I want you sober.”
His head lolled back and he groaned. “Awww, Stevie don’t do this, okay? Enough. I’ve heard just about as much as I can take of your fucking judgemental words of wisdom. Save it for your students, all right?” He rubbed his eyes.
Oh great. I’ve really done a number on him, haven’t I?
“Please, Jason. Come and sit with me.”
He puffed out his cheeks and acquiesced as if he had no energy to argue. He slumped down on the sofa while she fumbled with a lamp on the table. She removed the glass from his fingers and grasped his now empty hand in hers. He looked down at their entwined fingers and frowned.
“Jason, I need you to know that what I said was totally out of line. I was just…” She sighed heavily. “I felt intimidated by you when you backed me up to the wall. I had a boyfriend…not Miles…someone else…who hit me a couple of times when I wouldn’t sleep with him, and so it made me feel uncomfortable when you—” She was caught off guard by the groan that left his chest as he leaned forward and punched the sofa at the opposite side to where she sat. She jumped.
“Fucking idiot!” he shouted. “I always make such a damned mess of everything! Why can’t I just do the right thing, eh?”
She stroked his leg in a bid to soothe him. “No…no…you weren’t to know, and I know you well enough to realise that you were just upset and frustrated by my mixed signals. It doesn’t give you a right to intimidate me. I won’t let any man do that to me again. But I know you well enough—”
He snapped his head around to her. “No, you don’t! That’s the trouble! You know eighteen-year-old me, who was all sweetness and fucking light. Who I am now bears no resemblance to him. I’ve seen active service in some of the scariest places on earth. I’ve killed people. You have no clue who I am anymore. I’m not even sure I know who I fucking am!”
Hearing this admission made her heart ache. This already damaged man had joined the army to put his anger to good use, but it clearly hadn’t worked in his particular case and had only served to damage him further. She closed her eyes as tears cascaded down her face.
“Don’t cry, Stevie, please. It breaks my heart that you cry because of me. I used to make you smile…and now look what I do… I can’t bear it, sweetheart…please.” He scrambled closer to her and pulled her into his lap where he held her to his chest. “Please…shhh. Please don’t cry. Not because of me. I’m not worth it.” He stroked her hair as she sobbed into him. He began to kiss her hair and her cheeks where the tears had left damp trails.
After a few moments, she began to kiss him too. She cradled his face and kissed his mouth. She could see the moisture around his eyes glist
ening in the lamplight. She kissed him again, wiping under his eyes with her thumbs, there was no talking, just kissing and caressing. He reciprocated gently at first.
He ran his hands down her back and slid her bottom nearer to him. She kissed him with increasing urgency and thrust her tongue into his mouth. He groaned the same pained sound he had made the night before.
“Jason…make love to me… I want to help you forget what I said… I didn’t mean it… I want to prove that to you.” She looked directly into his eyes as she spoke, hoping that her sincerity was evident.
He shook his head. “No…no…I won’t…you can do better than me. There was an element of truth in what you said.”
She took his face in her hands again. “Jason…no…I was wrong. I want you to make love to me. I want to feel how I felt last night…please?”
“No…I can’t…not like this. Not when you’re feeling guilty. Pity sex isn’t my thing.”
She stood from his lap, remembering that she was still damp from the smelly loch water. She held out her hand. “It wouldn’t be pity sex. I need you. Even if you just hold me tonight. Please?” He didn’t move as he gazed up at her with a blank expression. “Come on, we’ll take a shower then. I’ve spent most of the day upside down in the water. You can wash my hair.” She smiled. When he still didn’t move, she tugged at the hem of her top and pulled it over her head. Next she kicked off her boots and slipped down her khakis.
She stood before him in her underwear, plain black, every day cotton underwear, nothing fancy—a fact that she regretted now that she was displaying it so brazenly. His expression changed. Biting his lip and with dilated pupils, he stood slowly. She stepped toward him and grasped the hem of his T-shirt. In one swift move it was gone. Next she crouched and lifted each foot in turn and removed his heavy boots and socks. Then his pants were pulled down his long toned thighs, and he stepped out of them. He stood before her in black fitted boxers.
Stunning.
Confidently taking his hand, she led him through the door past his bedroom and into the bathroom. Leaning over, she turned on the water in the walk-in shower. He watched her every move silently. She checked the temperature, and when it was about right she turned to him. Crouching before him again, she tugged his boxers down his legs, freeing his arousal. Gripping his hips, she kissed him there and glanced up to find his eyes closed and lips parted. Standing once again, she unhooked her bra. He opened his eyes again and continued to watch her. She slipped her panties off and grasped his hand once again, drawing him forward to join her under the water.
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back onto the tiles. She found his body wash and squeezed some into her hands. She made lather and spread it slowly all over his chest and down the rest of his toned, muscular torso. She took his arousal in her hands and worshipped him again as he stared at her hands and braced himself. His breathing became erratic and loud until he threw his head back, closed his eyes, and made a guttural noise as he came, grasping her arms and pulling her into his chest. Eventually, he dropped his head back down and looked at her.
Her tears were relentless. “I’m so sorry that my words hurt you. I’m very angry with myself for what I said. It was wrong. I can’t even begin to imagine the things you’ve done and the things you’ve seen, but those things were necessary. What I said wasn’t necessary in any way. I wish I could wash my words away with the soap so they can’t hurt you anymore. It’s your turn to forgive me now. Do you think you can?”
He nodded as he kept his glassy eyes locked on hers. She rubbed the soap from his body, and while he stood, allowing the suds to rinse away, she washed herself under his watchful gaze.
She let the water cascade over her hair and face, and whilst her eyes were closed, his breath heated her neck as he began to leave a trail of feather-light kisses on her over-sensitised skin. It was as if he had awoken from a trance. She didn’t speak or make a sound. She simply brought her arms around him and cradled him to her. He slipped his arms around her and pulled her close, still leaning against the tiles.
He slid down the wall and pulled her with him. “I’m sorry too…the things I said about fuck buddies—”
“Hey…let’s pretend that it all washed away. Let’s not keep dragging awful things back up. It’s all forgotten, okay?”
He nodded against her neck. They stayed huddled together until Jason began to shiver. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” She pulled him up and wrapped him in a clean towel that was folded on the vanity unit. She wrapped herself in another and pulled him by the hand toward the bedroom. Once inside she rubbed him down with the towel and then did the same to herself. She pulled back the covers and climbed in naked, holding her arms open for him. He climbed in beside her and immediately nuzzled into her breasts. He stayed there just holding onto her as she stroked his back.
After a while, his breathing changed, and she could tell he was sleeping, so she closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off too. The last couple of days had been draining, to say the least. Sleep was something she definitely needed.
Chapter Thirteen
Once again Jason opened his eyes to find that his arms were wrapped around Stevie.
My soul mate.
He thought back to the events of the night before. He was ashamed of his behaviour. If there was a sure-fire way to push this woman as far away as she could possibly get, he’d done it. Yet she had come back to him. She’d comforted him. She’d wanted to take back her hurtful words even though he probably deserved them, and she’d stayed with him. If only it was as simple as taking back words to rid oneself of terrible memories.
Last night had been so intimate, even though they hadn’t made love, just being washed and pleasured by her and then being held to her breasts and falling asleep in her arms. It was the most intimate night he’d spent with anyone.
Ever.
And now he lay as still as possible, barely breathing. He didn’t dare move a muscle, considering that things had gone so terribly wrong the last time he had awoken with her in bed beside him. Instead, he carefully inhaled her scent. Except this time she smelled of him—his body wash at least—and the scent enveloped him warmly like her arms had done, giving him sense of belonging that was long overdue; like she was marked as his for real, even though she really wasn’t. In a few days time, she’d be gone and he would be changed irrevocably. He watched her sleep for a while, trying to commit to his memory the way she looked and felt in his arms. It would be a cruel memory to be left with, but it would be marginally better than having no memory of it at all.
Her eyelids fluttered open, and she gazed up at him. He held his breath. Waiting. To his relief, she leaned up and kissed him, stroking her nose down his tenderly. Pulling herself to a sitting position she pushed him onto his back and began to kiss his chest, his tattoos receiving special attention. He closed his eyes, soaking up each and every sensation.
Smoothing her hands up and down his body, she grasped him again, sliding her hand up and down as she kissed his neck. He remained silent, expecting that any moment he would wake up and the latter part of last night and the whole of this morning thus far would have been a cruel dream. He waited, but other than the wonderful sensations shooting around his body like shafts of light, awakening every nerve ending, the dream remained a reality.
She rose above him and took what she wanted, slowly and tenderly. He gazed up at her to see her head back, lips slightly parted and her eyes closed. So, so beautiful. And so damned sexy. She began to move on him, and he slipped his hands up to caress first her waist, enjoying the concave curve down to her hip. This wasn’t just sex. This meant something. Knowing this terrified him, but watching her, feeling her, having her here was better than any dream he’d experienced in the time they had been apart. The look on her face was mesmerising. She was lost in bliss. How had he survived all these years without the other half of his soul? The question would no doubt remain unanswered thanks to the brief nature of her visit and he wondered
how the hell he would cope when she left if this was how she affected him still.
Leaning forward, she pulled the long veil of her deep auburn hair over one shoulder and placed her hands on his chest, opening her eyes. They were somehow no longer vivid blue but dark indigo. She stared deeply into him as if looking into his soul and moved faster until her mouth was open and her brow was furrowed. He watched her in awe. Never had he experienced such an array of emotions watching a woman come apart like this.
Her nails dug into his shoulders, and she cried out, tears springing from her eyes and down her face, falling in chilled drops onto his heated skin as she kept her eyes locked on his and repeated his name over and over.
Hearing her call his name in her desperation sent him heaven bound as he gripped her waist with one hand and her breast with the other. “Stevie…oh please…” His garbled and almost incoherent words fell from his lips as he stared into her blue eyes.
She smiled down at him as he began to fall back to earth from somewhere around Jupiter. He tugged her face down to his and kissed her deeply before whispering, “My…soul…mate,” again as he caressed her cheek. “You know…I don’t mean to make you cry. You’re supposed to feel good.” He kissed her hair.
“I do feel good. In fact good doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel with you when we’re together like this. I’ve never had such an emotional reaction to…making love like I do with you. So don’t take it as a bad sign.” She nuzzled his chest and traced his tattoos with her fingertips. He decided to let the matter drop. She had hesitated before saying making love as if she wasn’t sure what label to put on it. But the reaction she’d had reassured him that it certainly wasn’t just sex to her.
Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) Page 12
