She snorted. “Good grief, Jason…can I have some crackers to go with all the cheese?”
Sadness overtook him at her reaction, but it was clear from the blush in her cheeks and the water in her eyes as they looked anywhere but at him that she didn’t really feel that way. What he’d said had hit a nerve and self-preservation mode had kicked in.
He leaned forward and looked into her eyes. “Stevie, I left my heart because, as I said to you up in Scotland, you still had it. I thought I could leave you behind and forget. I’m not sure who I was trying to kid. I was delusional to think I’d ever get over you. And seeing you again made me realise and admit to myself that I hadn’t forgotten at all. All I’d done was push the feelings I had into a little box on a shelf in the deepest recesses of my mind.”
She fiddled with the long stemmed spoon on her saucer. “Oh.”
“Seeing you again made me open that box and dare to peer inside. And what I saw terrified me.”
“In what way?”
“Because from day one of you turning up at the camp I’ve known…I’ve known that we should be together. We should have always been together and I ruined that. And now…now you won’t or can’t give me a second chance.” He dropped his gaze back to the swirls of sugar on the table.
“It’s not as simple as that. And it’s not because I don’t care. You have to understand that I have a life here. I simply can’t just uproot myself. What would I do if things didn’t work out? If you got scared and ran again? I’d be alone up there. I would have moved hundreds of miles away from everything I know and love for you. But what would I have for me?”
He gazed up at her once again. “But you know my reasons for leaving now. That wouldn’t happen again. And you could get a job, you’d make friends.”
“All on your terms. I’ve made bad decisions before, Jason. I married Miles because he wanted me to. It didn’t work out. I can’t repeat the same mistake again.”
He leaned forward. “But who’s to say it’d be a mistake? You set off on something like this with a negative attitude and you’re dooming it to fail. I just don’t get why we can’t try. I want to try.”
She sighed heavily and slumped in her seat. “I’ve witnessed first-hand what long distance does to people—”
“But I’m not Jed. I know what he did to your mum. I wouldn’t do that.”
“You say that now…just like he did. I…I’m sorry but I can’t look beyond here and now, Jason. I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t.”
She heaved a long sigh. “Okay, you’re right. I won’t. I don’t want to do that to us. I don’t want to sit at home spending my time wondering what you’re doing and who you’re with…or if you’re still as interested in me when I’m hundreds of miles away and can’t touch you or talk to you face to face. Phone calls are not the same. We both have needs that can’t be met by someone who’s so far away. And I don’t just mean sex.”
“So, we really are at an impasse then.”
A sad determination appeared in her beautiful blue eyes. “No, Jason. We have to accept this for what it is. At the end of it we have to move on. I’ve never lied to you. I’ve been honest about this from the start. Your business is up in Scotland and my job is here. Neither of us can afford the time or money to trek up and down the country all the time. I’m…I’m just trying to be realistic.”
He laughed humourlessly and shook his head. “Are we both just too stubborn?”
“No, we’re both making sure we have what we need to get by in life.”
He listened to her words as his chest ached. They really had reached an impasse, despite her unwillingness to admit it. He was willing to try but she wasn’t. Nothing else could be done.
That was that.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
They left the coffee shop and began on their way again. Stevie was on a mission to try to convince him that London could be home for him again. They walked along together browsing in the quirky little boutiques and second hand shops. They tried on silly hats and disguises in the old joke shop and took photos on their phones.
The good old-fashioned record shop was Jason’s favourite place. He searched for what seemed like hours through old vinyl LP’s that reminded him of happier times in his childhood. They laughed at some of the seventies album sleeves and had a competition to see who could find the funniest. Later, they listened to Led Zeppelin’s “Ten Years Gone” in the close confines of the cramped listening booth, their heads pressed together to share the headphones.
The music oozed melancholy, and the irony of her song choice wasn’t lost on him. Leaning so closely to her was stirring him up again. Their eyes were locked for most of the track as their foreheads touched and their breath mingled. Despite the desperate desire to do so, he didn’t kiss her. The look in her eyes and the way her lips remained parted told him she wanted him to. But he managed to restrain himself.
Only just.
The little dress shop next to the record shop is where she had spent the longest. All the clothes were handmade by the shop’s owner Maria Marcone. She insisted to him that Maria was destined for greatness, as her designs were so beautiful and the fabrics she used were, according to Stevie, the most stunning textures and colours. She ended up spending two hundred pounds on a new outfit, which she insisted was a bargain for individually designed clothing. Jason nodded and secretly yawned and rolled his eyes when her back was turned, but it earned him a punched arm and twisted nipple when he was finally caught in the act.
Although he wound her up about being bored, he secretly loved watching her trying on what seemed like a million different outfits. She looked gorgeous in each and every one. And all he wanted to do was take her back to her house and undress her again. Although what he felt wasn’t all about sex, he really did want to make the most of being with her that way. For all the good it was doing him. But he figured he would be leaving here with a broken heart regardless.
She took him to a little patisserie owned by a cool Frenchman called Michel LaPierre. Michel had moved to the area from his home in Normandy almost twenty years ago to be with his girlfriend, whom he had met whilst she was on holiday near his hometown. His pastries were divine, and Jason managed to munch his way through a large selection whilst they walked in between shops.
She even resorted to taking him to the largest inner city park in the area, where they sat and finished the last of the pastries. She seemed determined to prove that there was an abundance of fresh air here too. Jason loved her all the more for it. But they both knew it would change nothing.
As they sat watching a mother duck and her chicks swim around on the pond, she nudged him. “See, we even get fresh air in London.”
He smiled and nudged her back. “Okay, touché.”
“Do you know where else we should go?”
“I know exactly where we should go.”
They strolled toward the bike, and once they were ready, they set off to visit their special place down by the river. Once they arrived, they walked hand in hand to their favourite patch of banking and sat.
“I came here before I went to visit Mick. It was strange being here again. It’s even stranger being here with you now.”
She glanced up at him. “It’s like we’ve travelled back in time somehow.”
“Do you think if we knew then what we know now we’d have still done things the same?”
“Hmmm…I would’ve tried to help you if I’d known what I know now. I would’ve tried to stop it. Maybe then we wouldn’t have lost ten years.”
He dropped his gaze to the long grass that surrounded them. “Where do you think we’d be now? I mean, if you’d been able to stop it all? Would we still be together?”
She smiled and turned her face away, discreetly trying to wipe away a stray tear. But he’d already seen it trickle down her cheek.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Stevie. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She turned back to face him. “I know. I just�
�this is the first time I’ve been here since you left, and even though you’re here…I still feel like I’m alone.”
He leaned forward and took her chin between his thumb and finger. “I thought of you every day. Even when I didn’t realise I was thinking about you. Looking back now, I know that… I’d catch a fragrance…hear a song…see a girl with long auburn hair…and they would all be you. I dreamed of you. I missed you every day.” His voice had lowered to a whisper.
He kissed her then and pulled her down in the long grass just like he used to when they were teenagers. He cradled her head with one hand and her cheek with the other as she ran her hands through his hair. This kiss wasn’t lust filled or urgent. It was tender and innocent, filled with love and adoration, and it made Jason’s heart ache just a little bit more than it already had.
After spending an hour sitting in each other’s arms, they left the riverbank and made their way back to her house. Jason parked, removed his helmet, and checked his watch. Six thirty. She pulled off her helmet with bear ears and ran a hand through her hair. He stifled the groan fighting for release. She had no idea how sexy she was and how the smallest of things she did affected him so deeply.
Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her chastely and said goodbye, then watched her as she walked away from him and opened her front door. She turned around and waved with a sad smile as he looked at her with what he was sure was the same amount of sadness in his eyes. His mobile phone rang as he was about to put his helmet back on and ride away, but noticing it was Dillon calling, he answered.
“Hi…Jason, it’s me…Dillon.”
“Yeah, I got that from the caller ID. What’s up, little brother?”
“I…erm…have to work tomorrow, but I was wondering if you wanted to go to the house…Mum and Dad’s I mean. I thought maybe you could make a start on clearing things out for me? I know it’s a lot to ask, but I don’t know when I’m going to get the time to do it. But I think we at least need to make a start. On our rooms maybe. It needs doing. You know…so we can both just move on after the funeral. Oh and the funeral is next week… Thursday at noon. They couldn’t do it any sooner. I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Oh…right…yeah of course. I’ll erm…I’ll go and make a start.”
“Yeah, thanks. Leave my old room though, eh? I’ll sort that. Just maybe start on your room. That way you take anything that you want to keep. It’ll be a bit of a painful trip down memory lane for you, I guess. I might get a clearance company to do the rest. I just don’t think there’s anything I want from the rest of the house. It’s all…it’s all tainted.”
Jason exhaled. “I know, Dillon. It’s going to be difficult for both of us I think. I’m…I’m sorry, mate.”
“No need to be. I’ll maybe see you tomorrow night if you fancy going for a drink, eh?”
“Sure thing. That’d be good. I’ll give you a call.”
“Yeah…bye Jace.”
“Bye, little bro.”
Jason climbed off the bike and headed for her front door. He suddenly couldn’t stand the idea of going back to the hotel alone. He knocked hard, and she flung it open immediately as if she had been waiting for him.
“Couldn’t stay away, eh?”
“Not for long, no. Look, Dillon called and asked me if I’ll go and sort my old room tomorrow. Pack up any shit I want to keep. Although I doubt that there’ll be much. I wondered…”
A smile spread across her face. “If I’d go with you and hold your hand?”
He turned his mouth up at one side. “Yeah…would you?”
“Well, it’s my summer holidays you know, and I have lots of things I could be doing.”
His smile faded and he shook his head. “Oh, shit of course. Sorry, I—”
“But none of them are as important as helping my dear friend Jace clear his childhood bedroom.”
He huffed out a sigh of relief. “Awww, thanks, Stevie. I really do appreciate it. I just couldn’t bear the thought of going there alone.”
“No, I’m sure it’ll be difficult for you.”
“Yeah, I can’t say I’m looking forward to being there again.” He stepped back, but inside he was praying she’d stop him. “Anyway…I’ll see you tomorrow.” He turned away.
“Look…I’ve ordered pizza. Why don’t you just come in and eat with me. Stay over if you like. You may as well.”
Yes! Thank you God.
Turning back to face her, he nodded. “Thank you…thank you so much.” He stepped inside the door checking around for Rowdy, the hound from hell, but he seemed to elsewhere. “I didn’t want to be alone in that hotel, but at the same time, I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage. We seem to keep…you know…ending up in bed. But we don’t have to do that. Your friendship is more important.”
She nudged his shoulder. “Stop being such a girl and go grab us a beer from the fridge, will you?”
Jason chuckled at her lack of subtlety and did as she asked. He placed the beers on the table and went up to the guest room to strip out of his leathers.
****
Stevie followed Jason up the stairs after deciding that if she was slobbing out with pizza, beer, and Jason she needed to be wearing less clothing. The layers she had donned for the bike ride were now making her feel suffocated and far too warm. She was about to pass the guest room door but stopped when she glanced through the opening. Jason was removing his leathers. She had a mighty fine view of his sculpted derrière as he bent to pull the tight pants from his legs. He stood again and stretched his arms over his head revealing his tattooed back and fading bruises from his run in with Dillon. She swallowed as her mouth began to water, and the muscles south of her waistline clenched needily.
Frustration that he affected her this way took over and she sighed. Why couldn’t he have gone patchily bald, lost his teeth, and acquired a flabby beer gut? It would be so much easier than seeing his sculpted muscles, smooth skin, and…oh my word, those tattoos.
“Like what you see, pervy?” he asked without turning around.
She inhaled sharply and widened her eyes. “I wasn’t…I didn’t…I mean, I…erm…sorry.” She cringed just as he turned around to face her, his fitted boxers leaving nothing to the imagination. “Don’t you wear jeans under your leathers?”
“Nah…Not enough room.” He grinned.
She gulped as her eyes slid, involuntarily, to his crotch. “No…I…can imagine.” Her mind wandered off somewhere entirely inappropriate and very smutty.
Laughter erupted from his chest. “Oy! I didn’t mean because of my package! You really are a perv, aren’t you?”
She narrowed her eyes at him, annoyed that the blush in her cheeks had betrayed her. “Food will be here in five. I suggest you let me go to the door. I will clearly be the one wearing clothes.”
Jason pouted, which didn’t help matters. “Really? That’s a shame. I was hoping I’d get to ogle your ass all night in those skimpy knickers of yours.”
“Funny. My ass is going to be well and truly covered up, thank you. And who’s being the perv now, eh?” She walked away, hearing him laughing, and closed her own bedroom door behind her so that he couldn’t peep in. She couldn’t help the huge grin on her face.
She was well aware that she had filled out in the last ten years. She wasn’t huge, but she was definitely a lot curvier than when he had last seen her. But he didn’t seem to care and she loved that. His every glance told her that he desired her, and that instilled a confidence in her that she hadn’t felt in so long. It almost made her feel like walking around in something skimpy just to wind him up. She toyed with the idea for a while, but then decided on yoga pants and a hoodie.
She was on her way downstairs when the doorbell rang, so she grabbed her purse and opened the door. Swiftly paying the spotty teenager—an ex-pupil no less—she took the large box through to the lounge.
“Hmmm, smells good. I hope there’s enough here for you too.” Jason grinned.
&nbs
p; She raised her eyebrows at him. “Oh don’t worry. I’ll resort to dirty measures to ensure I get my fair share.” As soon as the unintentional double entendre had left her mouth, she knew what his response would be, and her cheeks heated.
Jason’s voice dropped to a sultry whisper. “Oh really? Do tell. I’m intrigued about these dirty measures.” He bit his bottom lip and she almost groaned.
Instead, she shook her head. “Actually, I meant that I would just get Rowdy in here to watch you whilst I eat my share of the pizza.”
His face dropped. “Oh…shit. Where is the mad hound anyway?”
She stuck out her bottom lip. “He isn’t mad. Don’t be mean. My friend and neighbour Joe has him today. He goes hiking and Rowdy loves to chase birds. God only knows what he’d do if he was ever quick enough to catch one.”
Jason’s eyes widened. “Erm, I think it’s pretty bloody obvious what he’d do if he caught one. I remember the way he was looking at my goods. He would’ve happily ripped them off if you’d left the room for long enough.”
“Seriously, Jason, he’s a sweet little thing. He’s just…misunderstood.”
He snorted, almost choking on his beer. “Sweet? Little? Who are you trying to kid?”
Once their pizza was gone and they’d drunk several beers, she yawned and stretched. “Well, I think that’s me done for the day. All the excitement of the bike ride has worn me out.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty bushed myself… I’ll…I’ll sleep in the guest room.”
She bit her lip as disappointment washed over her. “Oh…really? You don’t have to.”
Jason’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah, I think I do. It’s probably for the best.”
“Okay, goodnight then.” She bent to kiss the top of his head and made her way upstairs, feeling too tired to argue.
****
Once she was gone, Jason sat for a while in the silence of the living room. He drained the last drops of beer from his bottle, ran his free hand through his hair, and then rested his head back on the couch. His mind whirred with the events of the last few days. And still his heart ached at the thought of leaving her again. But there was no way around it. He decided that distancing himself was the best policy from now on. Not that it would help in the long run. But he figured he would at least try. He sat and contemplated this for a little longer until his resolve began to weaken. Just the thought of her softness beneath him. Her smell. Her eyes as she locked her gaze on him whilst she ascended skyward and pulsed around him.
Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) Page 24
