by Fran Louise
“So what was so important that you made me cancel date night?” Lauren asked.
I straightened. “Really?” My control collapsed again and I covered my face with my hands. “God, I’m sorry. I’ve turned into a selfish, emotional oaf.” Tears spurted from my eyes and emotion made my voice waver. “I just keep lumbering around making other people miserable-”
“Yes, you do. So what happened?” Lauren’s apathetic tone surprised the tears into stopping. My sister was eating popcorn, seemingly engrossed in the muted game. “You know this is all hormones, right?” she said.
“It’s not ... all hormones.” I sniffed and reached for the popcorn.
“Tell me what happened!”
Chewing morosely, I thought about the scene that afternoon. It had gone from bad to worse. I’d baited Nathan, and then crumbled into an emotional heap. “We went for a walk in the park afterwards, to get some air,” I told Lauren after recounting events. “It didn’t end well. I didn’t walk off, exactly, but … let’s put it this way: we weren’t making lunch plans when we separated.”
“He bought one of those fantastic brownstones on the Upper West side?” Lauren said, employing selective hearing.
Stopped in mid-flow, I nonetheless recovered well when I thought about the townhouse. “You should see it,” I said. Reverence made my tone low. “It’s stunning.”
Lauren exhaled as though she were exhausted. “I’d marry him just for the house.”
“I don’t want to marry him.” The tears threatened to return. “I don’t want to marry anyone, but I don’t want him to marry anyone, either.”
Once the words had left my mouth, I experienced a strange, weightless sensation in my brain. It was like seeing a glimmer of light from underwater, a flash of the surface approaching. The thought of Nathan with someone else … it made me nauseous. Panic reared in me. Yet the thought of settling down with him was equally unacceptable. How would he – anyone – deal with the kind of hours I worked? How could any relationship survive that? There were plenty of other women who’d be perfectly happy to give up their careers and independence for a man like Nathan. I was not, however, one of them.
I buckled under the weight of my train of thought. Was that it? Was I worried he’d leave me if I gave myself up to him? I felt my brain pulse with overload. Was that what he wanted: a woman who’d sacrifice her life for him, to have his children and raise them, while he went after his goals?
What about my goals?
“That’s not very fair,” Lauren said, oblivious to my hectic emotions. “What if he wants to get married? Especially now with a kid on the way, he might want some stability. To create a home for it-”
“I’m this child’s mother!”
“Biological mother,” Lauren embellished. She cast a hesitant glance at the force of my voice. “You can’t deny Nathan the kind of life most people want just because you’ve chosen not to embrace that.” She chewed on some more popcorn. “Anyway, I don’t know why you’re worrying about this now. Nothing’s really changed; you and Nathan have been interstate-romancing for the best part of a decade. I don’t see why you have to start getting all conventional now just because you have a baby on the way. Believe me; it isn’t any easier when you’re all under the same roof.”
I swallowed back my emotion. “Are you and Michael okay?” I asked, hesitant now.
Lauren grinned. “Of course we are. We’re married but we try not to let that spoil things.”
Humor cracked under the surface of my self-imposed misery. I stared at the television screen blindly. “I told Nathan I didn’t want him seeing other women while I’m pregnant,” I said, “or at least I don’t want to hear about it.” I turned to Lauren again. “I think that’s fair, right? It’s not unreasonable-”
“It’s a bit strange, if you don’t want to be with him. But then your relationship has always been strange.” Putting the popcorn on the table, Lauren brushed down her jeans and subjected me to an unusually probing stare. “What’s that all about, anyway? Why are you so possessive of him if you don’t want him?”
Perplexed, I let my eyes drop.
“Why don’t you want to be with him? What’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing,” I said. The response was automatic. I looked up again. “Really. Nothing. He’s just...” I thought about it carefully. “He’s too ... much. I don’t know if I could deal with all of that on a daily basis.”
“Very eloquently put, Chloe.” Lauren’s brow furrowed in an inverted frown. “All of what?”
“He makes me emotional. I just – feel too much around him.” I sighed. “I haven’t had to think about him ... us like this before. This baby has turned everything on its head. I don’t want to have to think about Nathan in terms of marriage and being tied down together.” A chord struck in my mind; I recalled Nathan’s use of the same term earlier that day. “If we weren’t thinking about it before, why would we do it now?”
“Because you have a baby on the way,” Lauren responded, her tone impatient. “God, grow up, Chloe! You don’t get to plan everything out perfectly in life all the time. People get married to have a family! They do it to give their children some sense of security, the best start in life. Sometimes you just choose to do something because it’s the right thing to do. You think gay people are fighting for the same rights just for the pretty ceremony?” Emotional now, Lauren glared at me. “Of course not! They want the right to have the same stability, the same sense of family. Do you think Michael and I didn’t wonder if there wasn’t something else, someone else, out there for us? Of course we did. But we chose to become a family together anyway. Because we loved each other. You can’t wait around forever for everything to be perfect. There’s no such thing.”
Slightly overwhelmed by Lauren’s rant, I had to rally. “But you and Michael at least lived in the same city. You both wanted a family from the get-go. Nathan and I ... we both have careers, and nothing fits! It’s going to be hard enough just trying to bring the baby up, but if we were to get married, how on earth would we-?”
“You make sacrifices!” Lauren said.
“I do? What about him?”
“He does what he’s willing to do, Chloe. You can’t control what he does!” Lauren shook her head; she was looking at me like I was a scrawny kid again who had just messed up my uniform on the way to school. “You have to decide what you want and what you’re willing to sacrifice in order to have it,” she said. “That’s it. And then tell him, and hope to God he’s honest with you, too. Nate can either go along with it, make his own sacrifices, or not.”
The idea was terrifying. Feeling exactly like that little kid again, I searched my sister’s familiar features for an answer that was eluding me. “What if I don’t want to sacrifice anything?” I asked.
Lauren laughed. “Then be prepared not to get what you want.”
Not surprisingly, Nathan didn’t call me that weekend to go furniture shopping. Although I’d expected the snub after leaving him in the park on Friday, I was nonetheless wounded by it. I wallowed in cycles of self-pity and self-loathing until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and, finally, went to work on Sunday afternoon. Hilary Jones, my managing partner, was in my office. Otherwise the luxurious space was unusually empty. It seemed fortuitous. Before I could analyze what I was doing, I found myself standing at Hilary’s door, my hand poised to knock.
Hilary looked up before I could make a sound. The older woman’s expression creased into a curious smile, and she nodded me through. “I was wondering if I would have the place to myself all day,” Hilary told me, coming to her feet, “for the first time in twenty years, no less. Can I get you a coffee?”
I screwed my nose up, the distaste instinctive. “Just water, thanks.”
Hilary was a shrewd woman, a former prize-fighting litigator, who rarely missed a beat. Her eyes passed over me, leaving just a shadow of suspicion in their wake. “Water,” she said.
I’d been outmaneuvered before the game h
ad even begun, I realized with a start. It was my own fault, coming in here like this unannounced after an emotional and solitary weekend of introspection. It was probably written all over my face, and Hilary, as a mother of two grown children, probably knew the signs, too.
“Since when have you been sticking to water?” she asked.
I took the crystal glass full of room temperature liquid. “Around three months, now. Give or take.”
Hilary’s brows shot up. “You’d never tell.”
“Some people in my life would beg to differ,” I said, and I allowed a rueful smile to surface.
She smoothed down her silk jersey dress, the only concession to a non-work day, and crossed her heeled legs carefully. “Are you keeping it?”
I nodded.
Hilary inhaled and then exhaled slowly. There was silence as she sipped her coffee and considered this. “By my calculations, you didn’t have to tell us until after the first partnership meeting,” she said finally.
I turned away. I needed an uncomplicated, unobstructed view to work out what twisted logic had made me come in here today. Strategy be damned, seemed to be my recent motto. “I’m not doing this to get brownie points,” I said. I turned back. “Or because I expect you to understand, being a woman.” I kept my tone even, refusing to be intimidated. “I’ll start showing soon. I’ve got enough on my plate without trying to worm my way into a job on false pretences.”
“Sounds like you do, indeed,” she agreed.
I sipped my water. There seemed no point in embellishing.
“Are you taking yourself out of the race?” she asked.
“No.”
This amused Hilary. I placed my cup down. She seemed to think for a moment; her eyes darted over my features with that same curious smile. “A lot of people would be forgiven for thinking the race is over already. It clearly isn’t the right time for you to be taking up the kind of workload and responsibility associated with a partnership.”
“Do you believe that?”
“I most certainly do,” she said.
“Yet you manage this firm and you have two kids at home.”
This time Hilary’s amusement surfaced. “I took three, nearly four years out of my career to have children, Chloe. Sure, I was here every day, but only in body. My head was a shell-shocked mess. I’m not saying that all women will approach it the same way; there’s certainly not going to be any judgment on my side if you choose to hire a full-time nanny and devote yourself to the partnership…” My expression softened. “You’re a perfectionist, Chloe. I can’t see you hiring someone else to raise your children.”
The truth was more complicated than that, but as a short summation, Hilary had argued a strong case. She was not wrong.
“I’d already paid my dues as a partner when I had my children,” Hilary said. “You’ve chosen a particularly lousy time to start a family, if I may say so. I managed to cling on to my position until the kids were a little older and I could focus again on my career.” She frowned. “But make no mistake; it is not an easy path trying to have both, at any stage. You’ll have to make sacrifices.”
That word again! Honestly, I was starting to feel like a wayward teen being lectured by various well-meaning adults. Didn’t they think I was aware of sacrifice? Didn’t they realize that the path to this partnership had been full of sacrifice? I buried the idea as quickly as it occurred; it had been sacrifice I’d gladly made and I refused to dwell on that now.
Hilary studied me once again. “Do you seriously believe you can juggle a newborn and a partnership at the same time?”
I frowned. “No.”
“Then, why-?”
“I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been working towards this for so long now ... I just want to see it through to the end. Bowing out now...” I let my head drop for a moment, gathering some strength. “Bowing out now isn’t really something I can do. But there’s no point in an empty victory; I want to – I mean, I would have wanted to enjoy the partnership, give it my best. Not take two years out and eventually get fired.”
“I’m not sure I understand-”
“Hilary, I just want to be judged on merit.” I wrung my hands in my lap. “I’d rather the other partners didn’t know until absolutely necessary. Then, if I was meant to get the position, I’ll know that for next time around. And whoever gets the role will know they weren’t first choice.” My smile rallied. “I think Spencer would appreciate being able to hold that over Jed Kaufmann’s head, presuming he’s the race favorite.”
“You’re the race favorite,” Hilary responded sternly.
“I know I am, and I plan to see it out to the end, even if I can’t take the position.” I stiffened. “I worked for it; why shouldn’t I?”
Hilary smiled, but there wasn’t a lot of humor in it. She seemed sad, and perhaps a little impatient. “Never mind the fact that you’re wasting everybody’s time, I suppose?”
“I’m keeping Jed Kaufmann on his toes. Surely that’s only going to help in the long run.” I dipped my head, flushing slightly at the challenge to my superior. “Unless you want him sliding into first base and walking the rest of the home run without any effort.”
Hilary didn’t respond, but her smile indicated she was not exactly disagreeing. She looked out at the view for a moment, but didn’t flinch when she looked back at me. “Chloe, I’m sorry to be the one to have to say this,” she said. She sighed heavily. “The fact that you didn’t offer to bow out tells me you haven’t quite … accepted your situation yet. But we both know that this isn’t the right time for you to be in the race for partner.”
I stilled. I felt a quake in my hands and I noticed with some embarrassment that the surface of the water rippled.
Hilary frowned at me. “Take some time out,” she said, her voice softer now. “Have your family. There’s nothing stopping you from coming back in a few years’ time-”
“There isn’t?” My voice sounded calm and low but inside I was trembling.
“No.” Hilary was stern. “There isn’t.”
I stared at her, the words echoing around my brain. Behind them, flashing like a neon sign, was the notion that I was out of the race. Just like that, after my coming in here today on a whim, Hilary had asked me to bow out. There was no going back.
For all my efforts to the contrary, it seemed that the situation was now resolved. I tested my emotions as Hilary watched me carefully. I felt … at peace. It was like a lead cloak slipping from my shoulders and falling to the floor; the weight of the looming partnership had been tangible in its grip on me. It was an odd sensation given that this was not the outcome I’d wanted. Logic be damned, I felt a sudden brightening of my perspective. I even wondered if the sun wasn’t making an appearance through the white, snow-laden clouds.
A reluctant frown appeared on Hilary’s face. “I do want you to come back, eventually, once the baby’s older,” she said. “Have two or three, but I want you to come back eventually.” Her smile was soft; I had never seen the woman look so approachable. “You’re a good lawyer, Chloe, and you’ll make an excellent partner one day. Even a managing partner like me, if that’s where your interests lie.” A frown appeared. “Don’t get totally sidetracked. Don’t put your life on hold for someone else’s goals. You only get one time around, and you have to remember to take care of your own needs and desires. You love the law, and trying to convince yourself of anything else would be lying.”
I took a deep breath, pushing back against the tidal wave of emotion rising up in my chest. I’d needed to hear that, so badly. Life wasn’t all sacrifice and selflessness, not to me. It was about taking advantage of the opportunities I’d been given, about challenging myself. I was willing to do everything I could to make the people I loved happy, but I wouldn’t sacrifice myself in the process. If Nathan loved me, he wouldn’t ask me to, surely?
Remembering Nathan, I felt a strange slide in my emotions, as though a carpet had been pulled out from under my feet. I’d f
orgotten about him for the first time in what felt like forever. It felt good to think about him again; I felt a rush of love, and none of the lingering guilt and resentment that had so engulfed my over the weekend. I wondered if the peace of mind concerning my career had anything to do with this.
“I appreciate the advice.” I stood up, shaking Hilary’s hand formally. “You’re right ... I just needed to hear it from someone else.” I swallowed deeply. “I will come back, you know.”
Hilary nodded. “The opportunities will still be here when you do,” she said. “This is a smart decision.”
As smart decisions went, I had to agree it was on the list. I went back to my office feeling twenty pounds lighter. The nausea has passed. I attacked my lingering case files with gusto, tearing through the work with relish until, around nine pm I felt an angry welt of hunger slash across my insides. It was followed by a rash of butterflies low in my stomach; like popcorn popping. My hand instinctively fled to cover my womb. I stilled, unsure of the sensation, testing it. After a few silent seconds I realized I was holding my breath. I exhaled slowly, my gaze turned inward. That feeling ... it had been unmistakably new. It was like butterflies, but it had definitely come from below my stomach. It couldn’t be...?
When I felt it again, an unambiguous outbreak of restlessness low in my body, I almost jumped out of my seat. Good God, it was the baby! Both hands clasped my stomach and I looked down at it, half in terror and half in wonder. A childish laugh gurgled in my throat. I paused again, testing it more closely. Was it hungry, like me? Of course it must be. Gravity weighed down my expression. I had to start taking better care of myself. Working all day and eating only sporadically, it wasn’t good for me, so it wasn’t good for the baby. I’d have to start attending yoga again regularly to get my feel good hormone levels up, not to mention my strength. Why hadn’t I been researching my diet? I should be eating for the baby now, not just for myself!
It was really in there, this little person, relying on me to keep it safe.
I breathed out through pursed lips as I tried to assimilate this obvious fact. A real, live human being. One day this person would have a name, and a social security number, and a job of its own. Even a family. A name ... I felt a different sensation this time as the butterflies rose in my stomach. What were we going to call the baby? Who knew how many other little details like this we still had to work through. I cast an eye at my laptop, wondering if I should start a list. It made sense; if I dealt with this like a lawyer, as though I were mediating someone else’s issues, I would probably have most of the details under control within a few weeks.
