“Is there a reason for you to be so skittish?”
“N-no... I... I don’t know,” I blurted out, wondering which answer he wanted to hear.
“Maybe I should give you a reason. That’s what you’re obsessing about, isn’t it? You’re wondering when we’re going to put our little arrangement into motion again.” He paused for a moment. “Why delay the inevitable?” His green eyes locked on mine right after he said it.
A suppressed memory of the wedding night returned. “Spread your legs and let me fuck you already.” The words rang in my head and I winced in fear.
“Not now,” I pleaded. “Don’t.”
“Why not? Now is as good time as any.” He shrugged. “It makes no difference.”
“You... you said. You said you wouldn’t.”
“I said I wouldn’t when we were in the library.” He looked around the room. “This isn’t the library,” he said smartly and raised his hand in an attempt to touch me, but I flinched and jumped back, protectively wrapping my arms around my middle.
“I don’t... I don’t want to,” I said almost inaudibly.
“What makes you think that I care about what you want?”
He said it so calmly, so carelessly that it broke my heart. I knew he hated me. I knew he didn’t care. Still, it hurt because I had no idea why he despised me with so much passion.
“Why are you so cruel?” I asked in a tremulous voice.
He snickered. “I’m hardly cruel. All I expect from you is to fulfill your duty and I have given you enough time to get used to the idea of being my wife.”
“You didn’t give me time,” I said in disbelief and then, a dangerous sentence spilled out of me. “You hurt me.”
He raised his eyebrows and then narrowed them at me. “Are you referring to our wedding night?”
I winced and shivered from terror as the flashbacks of that night settled in my mind.
“It’s a yes or no question. Not that difficult,” he said impatiently.
A tear slid down my cheek. “Yes,” I said and my shoulders dropped in defeat.
He stepped closer, possessing my personal space and I shivered from discomfort when he took a strain of my hair in his hand. He aimed the green fury of his eyes right into my soul.
“What exactly did you expect? You were a virgin, but were you honestly unaware of what happens between a man and a woman when they get married?” His eyes gleamed at me, waiting for a response. “Answer me.”
I closed my eyes trying to cover up my shame. “I wasn’t unaware.”
“Then you knew what you signed up for when you married me. If you expected hearts and flowers, I’m sorry to break the news and disappoint you, but that’s not what this marriage is about. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better. Next time, I hope you won’t forget I’m your husband and try to deny my touch,” he said with genuine threat hanging from his voice.
I stiffened when he said those words. He thought it was his right to do what he had done. I was so frightened of him that I couldn’t stop the tremors that gripped my body, but my mind pushed me to say something.
“No!” I said in a defiant whisper.
“No?” He asked with amusement.
“N-not after what you’ve done to me. I w-won’t let you touch me again.” I fought to keep my voice steady, but it was a losing battle.
“You won’t let me? Do you really think I need your permission?”
He leaned closer and I raised my arms, trying to defend myself in panic. He looked at me in the same horrifying way he did that night—with threatening desire in his eyes. Terror ran through my veins because the awareness that I was completely at his mercy took hold of me. The look on his face told me he knew that he was in control and he savored that moment. He started circling around me while my eyes frantically followed him, wondering what he would do next. When his hands touched my shoulders, I jerked so hard that he had to tighten his grip on me to stop me from falling to my knees. He was standing behind me, like a monster lurking from the dark and the fact that I couldn’t see him, but only feel him, scared me to death.
I shuddered as his hands slowly moved down my arms, finding their way to my waist. He pulled me so close against him that I could feel his erection touching my lower back. My heart was thumping out of my chest as I felt one of his hands lowering down.
“If you’re buying time as my wife by denying my basic marital right, you’ll be sorely disappointed,” he whispered with contempt lurking from his voice.
His words made absolutely no sense but I couldn’t be bothered about that because I was too shaken by what he was doing to me. I gasped in a panicked attempt to bear his presence without completely crumbling down in front of him. His lips traveled down my neck, laying soft kisses on their way to my collarbone, where he paused and deeply inhaled the scent of my skin, intensifying his touch on my thigh. Unusual warmth rushed through my body, and my humiliation became complete as I started getting aroused by the touch of the man who terrified me—a touch that was sensual yet possessive, trapping my body in the strangest mixture of fear and desire.
“You seem to be enjoying this a little too much for someone who doesn’t want to be touched,” he breathed on my neck and I became paralyzed from the fear and embarrassment. “You know that it doesn’t have to be that difficult. We’re both stuck in this situation so we might as well take the easy way out.”
His hot breath burned my skin as I once again tried to decipher the meaning behind his mysterious words but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make sense of them. The sound of his voice echoed in my mind. Was he right? Was I that depraved to want him after what he had done to me? A flashback of an embarrassing, heart-wrenching memory tore through me and a spasm of pain rushed into my chest. No! Not again, not like this. He loosened his grip on my arm and I sensed I had a chance to escape. Determined to get away from him, I gathered all of my courage and broke free from his grip, but he grabbed my hip possessively to stop me from running away. I slapped him as hard as I could, without thinking about the consequences. He removed his hand from my body and rubbed it against his slightly red cheek. Those emerald eyes gleamed with madness and I knew there was a harsh retaliation coming my way. I started stepping away from him and he just stared at me. I took a step back as he came one step closer. We were playing the game of cat and mouse—the one he seemed to enjoy so much.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was filled with trepidation. I knew those three words wouldn’t stop him from hurting me.
A grin curved his lips. “Oh, you will be once I’m finished with you.”
Adrenaline pumped in my blood as I ran towards the bathroom and before I knew it, he was coming after me. I turned the knob, managing to lock the door at the very last moment. Complete desperation took hold of me when I realized what I had done. I hit him! My hands landed on my ears because I wanted to block the sound of his violent knocks.
“Isabelle, open the door. I’m warning you. Don’t make me come and get you!”
I didn’t reply, just cried silently, ashamed that I was aroused by his touch. While my mind was disgusted by him, my body had betrayed me. Another frightening series of thumps on the door had followed. He was furious. Oh my God, what had I done?
“I’m not leaving until you open the fucking door, Isabelle. Do you hear me?” he yelled.
Great, I had managed to get myself into an even bigger trouble. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever. The longer I stayed locked in, the angrier he would get. Then again, if I dared to go out, God only knew what kind of painful and perverted things he would do to me.
“Goddamn it, Isabelle!” He kicked the door so hard, for a moment I thought he would break it and get inside.
I hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, crazy with fear and I realized the locked bathroom door wasn’t protecting me, because he was about to tear it down. No matter how scary the experience awaiting me would have been, I knew I couldn’t avoid it.
I got up on my weak legs and unlocked the door. Sebastian was leaning on the doorframe, watching me with the scariest look ever. Raw strength radiated from his body as his heavy breathing and heaving shoulders threatened my entire existence. Then his hand flew to my right cheek and he slapped me so hard, I hit the cold floor. But it didn’t end there. As I was weeping in shock, he grabbed me by my elbow and ordered me to stand up. I allowed his strength to pull me back on my feet. I feared the worst with every fiber of my being when he let go of me and stepped aside. My weak knees were barely keeping me upright. He had a haunted look on his face while he shook his head at me as I gaped at him with fear.
“Hit me or disrespect me again, and I swear there will be a much harder retaliation coming your way,” he threatened, and when he moved towards me I stumbled back, fearing he would hit me again.
He stopped his movement as our eyes locked together, and after we stared at each other for what felt like eternity, he said something that rocked the very foundation of my core.
“Don’t look at me like that. You may be a pathetic excuse for a wife, but you signed that deal and don’t think there’ll be an easy way out of it. You will comply!”
I stared at him in confusion. What was this deal he was talking about? For a brief moment, I thought about asking him but I discarded that idea. I felt the throbbing on my face and I lightly touched the bruise with my hand and something flickered in Sebastian’s eyes. He quickly looked away from me and then, without sparing me another glance, he left, slamming the door behind him.
***
The agony that took hold of me didn’t subside even after he was gone. A small sigh of relief that he hadn’t forced me to sleep with him, released from my tired body. But he was absolutely right. What difference did it make if it happened that night or any other? It couldn’t be avoided and the anticipation only made it worse. I wondered how many nights I would spend fearing his touch would wake me up. Even worse, my reaction to him that day made me desperate, because I couldn’t bear the thought of being excited by the touch that was driven by hatred and contempt. I had always fantasized of finding true love. Just like fairytale heroines, I’d childishly imagined that my Prince Charming would come and save me from my evil mother one day. He would help me heal and encourage me to fight for my dreams. His touch would be governed by affection—not disdain. Sebastian had taken that away from me, leaving me completely broken and convinced that nobody could mend my shattered pieces back together. The illusions I’d once had about my wedding night came back to my mind, reminding me how cruelly the fates had toyed with me.
The urge to wash away my shame and sadness wouldn’t leave me alone, so I spent an eternity under the shower, replaying the memory of everything that had happened. His warning left me confused and wondering about that deal. He mentioned that I was buying time as his wife and that didn’t make any sense to me. I was sure he was referring to something I didn’t know about. Whatever it was, I decided that I didn’t want to know.
When I turned off the faucet and the water stopped running, I heard the phone and decided to ignore it because I truly wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody. As I was putting on my clothes, waiting for the annoying noise to stop, I was surprised that it just kept ringing. I hurried to the room and the first thing that struck me was a bag of ice, laying on the nightstand. I brushed my hand along my left cheek, which was painful to touch. Sebastian had hit me pretty hard but I was so concentrated on my emotions, that the swollen cheek hadn’t bothered me until now. The puzzling thought about the person who had brought the ice was quickly interrupted by the repeated, consistent ringing of the phone. Somebody was eager to get through to me, so I had to pick it up.
“Hello,” I said in a cold, distant voice as I pressed the bag of ice to my cheek.
I winced from the touch of coldness against my hot pulsating skin.
“Isa, I have been worried sick about you. I thought you said you would call back. Why did you hang up? What happened?” Ashley was frantic.
“Nothing happened. Don’t worry.” I tried to appear calm, but my voice cracked, revealing my true state of mind.
“Don’t lie to me Isa. You’re not okay,” she accused me.
“No, really, I... I’m fine.” A chocked sob escaped my throat.
“Isa?” I didn’t dare to say anything, because I was at the verge of crying. “Isa, please say something,” she kept insisting and another sob escaped me.
The gate that I couldn’t close had opened and muttered sounds of fighting tears traveled to my sister through the phone.
“Isa, what’s going on? What did he do to you?” she kept asking as the tears followed by more muffled sobs started falling.
“Mother, something’s wrong. She’s crying. We have to help her.” Ashley tried to alarm my mother, but when she took over the phone she was calm.
“Isabelle, it’s Mom. Tell me what’s wrong,” she insisted.
“Everything.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“What happened? Did you have a fight with Sebastian?” It sounded like she was accusing me of something.
“No. We didn’t have a fight,” I said through tears. Our problems were much bigger.
“Then what happened? Did he hurt you?” She wasn’t even mildly upset by that possibility.
“Yes,” I said through sobs.
“When did he hurt you?” she asked but I wasn’t sure if I should tell her. “When Isabelle?” She was persistent.
“On... on our wedding night.” I cried from the embarrassment.
“I see. Wait a second while I talk to Ashley, honey.” I heard her drop the phone. “Ashley, go to your room. I have to talk to your sister.”
Ashley protested for a while, but then obeyed mother’s order.
“Has he consummated the marriage? Is that what you’re referring to?” She was back on the line.
“Yes.” I cried inconsolably like an infant.
“Isabelle,” she used her famous reassuring voice. “I thought we talked about it on your wedding day. It was normal honey. It’ll get better in time, I promise.” She even chuckled on the phone.
“Mother, I-I didn’t want it and he... he didn’t care,” I barely pronounced the words through tears.
“Isabelle what do you mean you didn’t want it? Sebastian is your husband. I don’t know what to say. I understand you feel a bit uneasy, but these things are completely normal in a marriage. You should be flattered to have a husband like him, instead of crying about something that is perfectly natural,” she spoke, like she was shocked by my behavior.
“Mother?!” I shrieked because I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. “You don’t know... you don’t know what it was like.” I tried to make her understand how much I was suffering.
“Next time try to be more relaxed and it will feel much better,” she talked smoothly, ignoring my anxiety.
I knew she wouldn’t understand and for that reason, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore.
“I’m really tired.” I wiped my tears and greeted her. “It was nice to hear from you. I have to go now.”
I was getting ready to hang up the phone when she interrupted me.
“Isabelle, you better be wise and play your cards right. If I were you, I wouldn’t deny my husband. Don’t forget what happens if your marriage fails,” she threatened.
“How could I forget?” I said bitterly and hung up the phone.
That night, I fell asleep with a powerful knot of anxiety twisting my stomach. Although I didn’t expect any kind of support from my mother, her view of the matter still bothered me. I was furious at myself for even telling her anything, but I couldn’t help the need to unload the burden of fear that troubled me. The thought of him coming back that night and completing my humiliation lingered in my mind, but I was too tired to be afraid. Entirely drained out, I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them again I would be far away from that place.
Chapter Thirteen
The serenit
y of the rose garden invaded my senses as I enjoyed one of my books on the swinging chair. The chirping of the birds invited me to close my eyes and focus on the soothing sounds of their symphony. I took a deep breath, inhaling the mild summer breeze and let it travel through me. The sun bathed my face and that brief moment of happiness was so precious that I wanted to keep it forever. Slowly, the heavenly peace and immense harmony embedded in my surroundings lulled me to sleep.
That feeling lasted until I felt a painful grip on my shoulders. I tried to free myself, but the harder I tried, the stronger the grip became. An angry voice was calling my name from the distance and even though I wasn’t moving, the noise became louder. I gasped for breath, close to suffocating, as I felt the grip spreading through my body and possess it completely.
“Open your eyes!” The voice was so near, whispering its threat.
Although my intuition somehow warned me that I should obey it, I was too afraid to see where I was, sensing that the serenity from just a few moments ago was far away at that moment.
“No more tears, Isabelle. It’s too late for that.”
It was his voice uttering the scary threat that instantly made me open my eyes. To my horror, I was trapped in that hotel room and he was hurting me again. Air! I needed air! I couldn’t breathe while he was on top of me. I tried to utter a plea for him to let me go but my voice was completely gone. Only tortured shrieks managed to escape my throat. My heart pounded loudly as I tried to break free.
Virtue & Vanity Page 10
