by B. T. Narro
“Shara,” he tried.
“I don’t want to talk about Swenn.”
Maybe when all of this is over, he thought. But part of the reason he wanted Shara to talk about Swenn was so he could as well. He longed for it, like craving a specific food yet going weeks without eating it.
They were quiet for some time. Shara made no motion of pretending to be asleep, running her nails down Neeko’s arm in thought.
He had started falling into slumber when she turned and pressed her lips against his in a flurry of quick kisses. They seemed frantic and wild—completely forced. He kissed her back, though there was a lack of coordination in the dance of their lips.
She became hurried, kissing him harder and quicker. Then she threw her leg over his waist. The sheet fell from her shoulders. She had on her undergarments, though her bosom pressed against his chest as hers heaved with each breath.
There was something not right about her kisses. She removed her lips and breathed down his neck, reaching his bare chest, where she began pecking at him like a hungry bird.
Suddenly she stopped and buried her face in his chest.
“Damn,” she cried out. He felt the wetness of her tears running down his skin.
“What’s wrong?”
She collapsed beside him, covering her face with one hand so he couldn’t see her cry. She sniffled a few times as he pulled her close and stroked her hair.
“I thought…that…” She sobbed between her words. “If you could distract me, then I wouldn’t have to think about him.”
“Please tell me what you’re feeling.”
“It won’t do any good.”
She turned to face the other way. He moved to fit closely behind her and felt her burning back against his chest.
“I know this will sound callous, but if you’re already thinking about it, telling me won’t make it worse.”
“I think about it all the time, but not by choice. Whenever things are calm, I think of Swenn…of what he did to me and killing him. I hate the way all of it makes me feel.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.”
“I don’t feel shame or guilt. I remember the pain, the hatred, but mostly the fear. Even though it’s over, I can’t recall the events without feeling like my heart is climbing up into my throat so far that I can’t breathe.”
She stopped to take a few breaths. Neeko caught the sound of a wheeze. All this time, he’d assumed Shara was guilt stricken by the act of killing Swenn.
“I relive the entire experience every time I think of it,” she whispered in a shaky voice. “But everything I felt leading up to stabbing him is condensed into one tight explosion of dread and pain, and it’s gotten stronger since then. It’s the worst when I’m trying to fall asleep.” She pressed her fingers against her forehead. “No, it’s the worst when I dream. I see him coming toward me to kill me. I feel the same terror. Whenever I awake, I think he’s there and I need to defend myself again.”
Neeko fought down tears. “It’s my fault you needed to defend yourself. I should’ve done more.”
“Didn’t you do everything you could?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t enough. You had to stab him or he would’ve killed you. I hate how this ended. Just like you, I relive the experience every time I think about it, and just like you, it’s worsened since the incident. I feel shame and anger, but even worse is a need to do something.”
“A need?” Shara wheezed softly now.
“More like a longing. Like I’m trapped and I need to be freed, but I don’t know what I’m trapped in. I felt it the most when I was spending all day stuck in a room at Grodger’s Inn. I thought it would go away once I was out and knew the rest of our party was safe, but it hasn’t changed.”
“Trapped…” Shara reflected on the word. “That’s exactly how I feel. But I was trapped. I don’t know how you feel the same when you freed me.”
“I don’t know, either.” Anger exploded in his chest as the longing for freedom surged through him. He wanted to scream. He gritted his teeth and spoke in a raspy whisper. “I want to get rid of it.”
She turned to face him, no longer crying. “There’s no reason for my killing Swenn to trouble you, so I never would’ve guessed you could understand how I felt for doing it. That’s why I didn’t think talking about it would help.”
He decided to let out what he’d been holding back for so long. “I’ve always thought you should be proud for killing him because I would be. I even wonder if that missed opportunity is what makes me feel trapped.”
“There’s no pride in killing a person. You know this.”
At first, he thought to argue. But as he actually gave his mind time to take in her words, he realized she was right. But he still wished he’d done it. He wanted to take Swenn’s life like Swenn had taken his mother’s.
He began to feel disgusted with himself. A cold sweat came over him as he sat up.
“Neeko?” Shara sat up and put her hand on his back. He closed his eyes, enjoying the coolness of her touch. “I wish I’d known his death had affected you this much,” she said. “I would’ve felt much more comfortable talking about it.”
“This is why both of us can’t go to Ovira,” he said. “Because that feeling would’ve chased us all the way there.” He opened his eyes to find her nodding.
“If we run, we’re rendering all these events meaningless,” she said. “All the pain and fear will remain. But if we win this war for the North, we’ll be giving purpose to everything we’ve been through. We can finally move on to another chapter of our lives.”
In all the time Neeko had spent thinking about why he believed winning the war would help this trapped feeling, never had the explanation been so clear. He felt sweet relief as the disgust in his stomach disappeared. He noticed Shara breathing easier as he took her face in his hands and kissed her.
“Your mind is just as beautiful as the rest of you,” he said.
She pulled him back down to the mattress and kissed him. “I feel better as well.”
“We have to remember that Steffen and Cedri have gone through something awful, too. They’re dealing with death in ways similar to us. We should show them they have our trust, even if it’s hard to give it.”
“Cedri, yes. But wait until you see Steffen again before you decide to trust him. Trust me, on this, Neeko.”
He nodded. “All right.” With no other thoughts about Swenn, he could focus on the taste of Shara’s mouth as he kissed her.
But when she didn’t move to touch him or initiate another kiss, he figured that tonight he would be suppressing his urges once again.
Then she surprised him with a searing kiss, long and deep, overwhelming him with desire. He took control of the next kiss, letting his tongue play with hers as his hands traced her curves.
She threw one leg over his, arched into him, and let out a seductive moan. His hands cupped her bottom and she nibbled on his lip as he squeezed. He burned to strip her bare and show her with his body how much he loved her.
He’d never lain with a woman before. And while it seemed Shara yearned to be with him, judging by the way she moved against him, he couldn’t be certain she felt as ready as he did. No, as eager.
He shifted to cover her body with his, their lips never parting. Unable to hold back any longer, he slipped his hands beneath her undergarments and caressed her firm breasts. She moaned in agreement and nipped his top lip with her teeth. With her thrusting bosom filling his hands, he felt on fire, aching for her. He feared his heart might beat out of his chest if he didn’t find relief.
He ground his hips into her and Shara gasped and threw her head back. All that separated them from fulfillment was their undergarments, and Neeko felt as though his were constricting him like a hand around his neck.
They fell into a shared rhythm as he looked deep into her dark eyes, seeking permission. She cradled his face in her hands and kissed him.
And still he held back.<
br />
Finally, he’d had all the temptation he could stand. He gave Shara another long kiss and rolled off her.
As he lay on his back, panting, he looked over to see her flushed and slick with sweat, looking straight at him and waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t know what to tell her, for his mind didn’t seem to be working as sharply.
“Is something wrong?” she whispered as he got up from the bed.
“You’re too beautiful.”
“I’m...what? I don’t understand.”
Rather than answer her, he fled the room and closed the door. Finally, he could breathe and think again. He hadn’t known he could want her so badly that pain would sear his body.
When he returned to the bed a little while later, Shara had the covers pulled up to her chin. She looked at him nervously. He kissed her cheek and wrapped her in his arms.
“So we’re sleeping now?” she asked.
“Probably should.”
She wiggled against him as he desperately tried to think of something, anything, besides how incredible it would feel to join her body with his.
I’m never going to get to sleep.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
NEEKO
By morning, the fire in his chest had subsided somewhat. But Neeko still felt as if there were a pile of embers within him just waiting for the right spark.
He and Shara were soon on their way to purchase breakfast, which Neeko would make sure was a large one. Then they would buy paper to bring back to his aunt’s house. Isa’s house, he corrected himself.
She’d told him there was no funeral when Nann was buried in the graveyard. Isa had paid for the burial and headstone. She couldn’t recall exactly what was written, but it was something along the lines of, “A good friend and a loving aunt. You will be missed.”
Neeko appreciated that Isa had thought to write the message from his perspective, but he could tell she’d struggled with it. He would’ve added more if he’d had the chance. Nann had cared for him as much as his mother had and would’ve taken him in after his mother died if she’d had the opportunity.
Shara spoke, interrupting his thoughts. “After Steffen killed Darri, Jaymes demanded to know where you were hiding. He was convinced I knew, and he said he wouldn’t let us go until I told him.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him we would meet you in Cessri.”
Neeko stopped as he realized what she was saying. He looked around, feeling panicked. “Why didn’t you mention this before?”
She touched his back. “There’s no reason to be worried. I think he was just making a show that he was doing everything he could to find you, but really he wants to let you live. At night, our guards went to sleep. We walked out of the camp easily, but without our horses or much food. It was a terrible trip to Aylinhall.”
“So now you and Steffen are wanted by the army like I am.”
“Yes, but—like you—I doubt Jaymes really cares about finding us.” Shara stopped outside an inn and closed her eyes to sniff the air. “Seems like they have a kitchen inside. Shall we try here for breakfast?”
It wasn’t until they were seated with plates in front of them that Shara continued what she was saying. “After I got to Grodger’s Inn, I found out from the innkeeper about you going to Cessri. Steffen and I bought some food and hurried south. That’s when we saw Cedri riding that way. We headed to the nearby hills for a glimpse southwest, where we thought the army would be. They were farther south than we expected, nearly to Lanhine. If they were going to look for you in Cessri, they’d already have done so and moved on, but I doubt they even went through.”
“That means they could be in Lanhine at the same time as Steffen and Cedri.”
“They could be. But it’s more likely they would’ve left Lanhine by then.”
“When will Steffen and Cedri arrive?”
“Probably by tomorrow. They’ll wait for us even if they find out Terren has been through the city already. I gave them enough silver so they can buy food and stay at an inn.”
“But we still need to hurry,” Neeko realized. Going through Lanhine had to be the path Terren had chosen to get to the South, but if he’d already gone through the city before they got there, it would be more difficult to catch up to him the longer they waited. “I shouldn’t be seen walking around any city if I can help it. Even if the Northern army isn’t looking for me, mages of the PCQ are.”
He proceeded to finish his meal quickly, wondering about Kayren. What kind of conversation had followed between her and Jonen after Neeko left? Could Jonen have told her something about the ambush? Even so, it’s not worth the risk of going back to speak with her. But will Jonen try to find me? I almost killed him the last time it was just the two of us, so he won’t come alone.
“I’ll purchase paper,” Shara said. “Then I’ll meet you back at the house. We’ll try to solve the message before we start riding.”
“I can’t resist having a quick bath at this inn before I leave. I noticed a bathing room.”
Shara smirked. “Good idea.”
Neeko could feel his face showing his embarrassment.
“You don’t smell bad,” Shara quickly assured him. “I just like it when you’re fresh from a bath.” He might’ve imagined it, but it seemed that she gave him a seductive look from the tops of her dark brown eyes. The embers in his chest grew hotter.
*****
When he returned to the house, Isa was just walking out with a chair. “Oh, Neeko. I thought you’d left.”
“In a few hours. Could you leave the chair? I’m going to need it.”
“Both?”
“Yes.”
“All right.” She started to leave, but Neeko’s suspicions caught up with him. Was she part of the PCQ? Had she found the scroll he’d hidden beneath his pillow?
“Wait. Can you come inside for a moment?”
She looked perplexed but followed him anyway. “What is it?”
He shut the door after her. “Just stay there, please.” He backed toward the bedroom, keeping an eye on her. Confusion never left her face as she watched him.
He reached the bedroom and lifted his pillow. The scroll was still there.
“I’m sorry,” he said, returning and opening the front door. “I had to check something.”
She seemed to think he’d suspected her of theft. “Neeko, you’ve known me most of your life. If you can’t trust me, then who can you trust?”
The question saddened him as he realized there was no one in Sumar he could fully trust anymore, besides Shara. Even Steffen and Cedri had motives besides winning the war. He apologized again as Isa left.
Shara entered soon after, wearing an excited grin. “Let’s solve the riddle!” She slapped a stack of papers down onto the table. There were about twice as many sheets as Neeko would’ve purchased, but he didn’t mention it.
He brought in the scroll from the other room. Shara took it from his hand and tossed it behind her onto the table without watching it land. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.
“I wish we could stay here another day,” she said.
“Five more days would suit me.”
She brushed the strands of hair that fell across his forehead. “We didn’t talk about last night.”
His heart thumped. He couldn’t tell her how much he wanted her. He didn’t even know if such words existed to accurately describe the feelings she evoked.
“What are you thinking right now?” she asked.
“I’m just trying to keep myself under control,” he admitted.
“What do you mean?”
“That’s why I had to stop myself last night.” He hoped she understood, but she gave him no sign that she did. “Control…” he added. “It was slipping away.”
“Ohhhh.” A smile lifted the corner of her mouth. Her rhythmic voice came out next. “Yes, there’s not enough time to lose control. I wish we had less to do. But after last night, I don’t
feel whole. And the only way now, involves you.” He clung to her words as his cheeks began to burn with the rest of his body. “We’ll have more nights sharing a bed. So there is no need to rush. But don’t let that feeling completely out of your head. I like to see you flush.” She teased him by brushing her fingertips down his arms.
Did she know what she was doing to him? It felt as if his chest couldn’t contain his thumping heart. It almost seemed cruel, the way she then tenderly kissed his lips. In fact, he told her so.
She let out a mock cackle, playing the part of an evil madwoman.
He couldn’t help but laugh, and soon she was laughing with him.
They sat down and focused on the jumbled message.
“Na amaebush sis ot ebd stes ni asstine uofretss. Meted ata asstines laek foer ufrthreds uniestruction. Leaev aoens daey aftred erceivigns theis ucseroll. Rieds abuetd noet wieths uhaset. Od anoetds ocnfre wieth tohesrs yoeu seed ogeings teh saem uidrectinos. Tehd aapsscoed ots eb psokne upeonds raerival si niappropriaets ewathre foerd as usweim.”
Neeko kept seeing “ambush” as the second word. He pointed to it and said, “They added an E and an A to the word. Taking away those letters must be part of the seven steps.”
“How do you know they’re steps?”
Neeko frowned. “Just a guess because they were numbered.”
“Do you remember seeing something about adding or taking away E’s or A’s?”
“I certainly saw many lines starting with ‘take away.’ But I can’t recall if E or A were one of the letters that followed.”
“But you do remember S being one of them.” She tapped his notes at the bottom. “So let’s start by looking at the third sentence, which seems to say, ‘Leave one day after receiving this scroll.’ I’m going to go through each word and write down what they did to it. That should give us a better idea about the code.”
Neeko agreed and began helping her go through each word. “All they did with ‘leave’ was switch the last two letters.”
She nodded as she wrote it down.
“To make ‘one’ into ‘aoens,’ they added an A at the beginning of the word, an S at the end, and switched the O and the N.”
