by Naomi Niles
“He had this long board thing and was running it down one of the hills by the dorms. He was sledding in summer, and I couldn’t help but watch him.”
“He was alone?” I asked.
“Completely alone,” she nodded. “And having a blast. I was the one who approached him and asked if I could have a go. We spent an hour sliding down the hills in front of Rennington Dormitory. Which is where Renni got her name.”
“Rennington,” I repeated.
“We scrapped the last couple of letters and went with Renni,” Mia nodded. “After the place where we met. We figured it worked for a girl or a boy.”
I smiled. “What happened after?”
“We starting dating,” she replied. “In fact, we always considered that night to be our first official date. He walked me to my dorm afterwards and kissed me goodnight. It didn’t feel like we’d only just met.”
“That’s a nice story,” I said. “It’s ironic, really…”
“What it?”
“How much I like him,” I admitted. “I guess the ironic part is that if he were here, I probably wouldn’t like him very much at all.”
Mia smiled. “If he were here, you and I would have no reason to be together. We might not have crossed paths at all.”
“We would have,” I said. “Because of the accident.”
“You don’t know that,” she pointed out. “There is such a thing as the butterfly effect, remember? If Clint had been alive, then maybe he would have been the one driving. He might have taken a different route or escaped that patch of black ice. We might have left a little later or a little earlier. The accident might never have happened in the first place.”
I considered that for a moment, and I realized she was right. The thought of never having met or known Mia or Renni was abhorrent. It felt wrong.
“I know that accident was terrifying for you and Renni, but would you judge me if I told you that for me it was a blessing in disguise?”
Mia smiled. “I understand what you mean.”
“Tell me more about your life before me,” I prompted Mia. “About Clint and your marriage and about Renni’s birth.”
Mia clung to my hand and started talking. “Clint was two years older than me. Once he was done with school, he got a small place near college and I moved out of my dorm and into his place. I had just started my first internship after graduation when I discovered I was pregnant. Obviously, it wasn’t planned, and it put a wrench in the works.”
I smiled. “What was the plan?”
“I was going to get some experience, build up my resume, and start at a prominent law firm,” she explained. “Clint was hoping to climb to an executive post in five years. Then we were going to get married and start a family four years later.”
“Wow…that’s specific.”
She laughed. “When I think of that plan, I can’t help laughing… It was so naïve to think everything would go so perfectly. But in the end, it didn’t matter. There was never a question of keeping the baby once we knew I was pregnant. We just had to move our plans up a bit. We got married in town hall a month after we found out. I was three and a half months pregnant.”
“We both worked like crazy up until I gave birth to Renni, then I took six months off to be with her and then Clint took over.”
“Clint took over?”
“His career was pretty well established. He knew he could get another job easily when he wanted to. My career had come to a halt after Renni, though, and he didn’t want me to regret anything. So he stayed at home with her and worked only part-time while I joined the workforce full time.”
“Wow, he really did that?”
“He really did,” she nodded. “He sacrificed his career so that I could have mine. If it hadn’t been for him, I would never have gotten my current job, and I would never have been able to keep us afloat after his death. He set me up to succeed. That was the type of man he was.”
“He sounds like the perfect husband,” I said, feeling a little trickle of jealousy. How could I compete with Clint’s perfect legacy? I had no experience and very little knowledge of how to be a husband or a father.
Mia smiled knowingly, as though she suspected what I was feeling. “Clint was the kind of man who did his best. So even when he made mistakes, even when he let me down, I knew it wasn’t intentional. I knew he was trying his hardest, which is all I would ever expect from any man I end up with.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, squeezing her hand. “Can I ask…how he died?”
Mia gave me a sad smile. “Car accident,” she said shortly.
“No,” I gasped, thinking back to the night of the accident, when we had first met.
Mia nodded. “He was bringing home dinner. Renni was only three, and I had just put her to bed. Clint and I were planning on having a nice, intimate meal. But…he never came home.”
She didn’t say it without emotion, but there was a resistance there. She didn’t want to lose herself to sadness. Gently, I extricated my hand from hers and put it firmly around her shoulders. She melted into me, leaning her head down against my shoulder.
“I can’t imagine what you must have gone through,” I said.
“It was a dark time in my life,” Mia admitted. “The only thing that got me through it was Renni…and Vanessa, too. But Renni was the reason I forced myself out of bed in the morning. Renni was the reason I put on a brave face and remembered to smile every now and again. Soon, it became habit and then it became real. But if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had a little girl who needed me, I would have lost myself to grief.”
“I have seen that kind of grief,” I admitted. “In my father’s eyes, right after my mother left.”
“She left?” Mia asked.
“It’s a long story,” I smiled. “I’ll tell you about it one day in detail. But the cliff notes version is that she left when I was a little boy. She had a good reason for going, but none of us knew it at the time. Dad was madly in love with her, and her absence, it left a hole in his heart. I don’t think he ever got over her, and we could see that in his eyes.”
“That’s what I wanted to avoid,” Mia said. “I didn’t want Renni to look at me and think, ‘Mommy is always so sad and unhappy.’ I wanted her to know I was okay, so that she would be okay. I wanted her to know it was alright to smile and laugh and be happy…”
“She is happy, Mia,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “She’s a wonderful child, a kind child… Clint would have been really proud. I didn’t even know him, but I know that much.”
She smiled. “I hate that she missed getting to know him,” she admitted. “I hate that he missed getting to know her.”
“They did know each other.”
“It’s not the same thing,” Mia said.
“No, it’s not,” I agreed. “But Renni can still get to know her father. That’s up to you.”
Mia smiled. “You’re right – she has starting asking a few questions about him. And I have to admit, I don’t always answer her properly.”
“Maybe you should,” I advised. “She’ll thank you for it later.”
“You’re a good man, Sam Burbank,” Mia said, placing a kiss on my cheek. “And, a better man than I initially thought you were.”
I laughed. “Thanks… I think.”
Just at that moment, Renni came running up to us. “I’m done now,” she announced.
“You’re done?” Mia asked, with raised eyebrows.
“The fish are boring now… I want to go to the park and play on the swings with Sam.”
Mia laughed and turned to me. I smiled and nodded enthusiastically at Renni. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.”
She looked delighted. “This is the best day ever!” she cried. “Can we have ice cream when we’re at the park?”
“I don’t see why not,” I said. Then I remembered that it wasn’t my place to say yes to Renni. “Uh…that is if you’re mother is okay with that.”
Mia smiled and nodded. “I’m okay with it,” she said, with a special smile that was just for me.
Chapter Thirty
Mia
I got out of my car and waited by the curb at the entrance of the gate. I didn’t usually like going into the school waiting yard because that was where all the mothers or nannies usually stayed and I liked to avoid conversation. But sometimes, it was unavoidable. Leslie and Martha saw me standing there, and they approached me immediately.
Martha was one of the older moms in the school. She was nearing fifty and trying hard to fight her age. I preferred Leslie by leaps and bounds. She was in her thirties, a devoted stay-at-home mother with two other children in older grades. She was probably the kindest of all the mothers at the school.
“Mia,” Leslie said as they approached. “It’s been a long time.”
“Yes, Renni always gets to and from school, but we never see who drops her off or picks her up,” Martha said, in a slightly accusatory tone.
“Is there a card I need to punch in or something?” I asked with a smile.
Leslie laughed. “Don’t mind Martha; she likes to see and hear everything.”
Martha rolled her eyes at Leslie. “I’m accused of being a gossip half the time. The truth is I’m merely interested.”
“Right,” I nodded. “How are the kids? I haven’t seen TJ or Louisa in awhile.”
“Oh, they’re good,” Martha said, including Leslie’s daughter in her assessment. “We hear you’re dating again.”
I raised my eyebrows. “What?”
“Apparently, he’s a hot young fireman from what we’ve heard.”
Leslie was smiling uncomfortably, but I knew this was the real reason they had come over to say hello. “What have you heard exactly?”
“His name is Sam, and apparently he’s quite the knight in shining armor.”
“I think Renni’s been talking a lot about him in school,” Leslie said, by way of explanation. “And, the kids tend to bring home that information.”
“How young is he?” Martha asked, bluntly.
“He’s legal,” I replied, slightly annoyed, but knowing that this was unavoidable.
“Renni really seems to like him,” Martha said, fishing for more information.
Thankfully, at that moment, the doors opened and the children flooded out. I saw Renni leading the pack and within moments she was at my side.
“Hi, sweetheart,” I said loudly. “We’d better get to Aunt Vanessa’s place. She’s waiting for us. Goodbye, Leslie, Martha; it was nice catching up with you.”
Then I grabbed Renni’s hand and led her to the car. Relieved to have gotten away, I strapped her into the backseat and started the drive to Vanessa’s place.
“Well, bunny?” I asked. “Had a good day at school?”
“I was stressed, Mommy,” Renni replied.
I couldn’t help but laugh. She had heard me use the phrase enough times and was just repeating it now, but it never failed to amaze me how she got the context so right.
“Stressed, darling?” I asked. “How come?”
“Missing school yesterday,” Renni replied. “I have lots to do to catch up. That’s why I’m stressed.”
I smiled. “Well, I don’t blame you. It’s tough being a five year old these days. Everything is so competitive.”
“Tell me about it,” she replied, and I was forced to suppress my laughter.
Renni was excited to see Vanessa and the two exchanged a big hug as Vanessa twirled her around the practically empty living room. Once the hellos were out of the way, Renni immediately launched into a conversation about Sam and the day we had had yesterday.
“It was so, so fun, Aunt Vanessa,” she said. “We to the zoo and the aquarium and the museum and the planetarium…”
“Dear Lord,” Vanessa said, looking at me in shock. “You really covered all that in one day?”
“Sam helped me!” Renni replied before I could. “He said we could do it all and we did. He took me to the park, too, and pushed me on the swings, and then he bought me an ice cream cone with two whole scoops. And when I couldn’t finish it, he helped me finish it.”
“Wow,” Vanessa smiled. “He sounds really fun.”
“He is,” Renni nodded vigorously. “So, so fun. And I was so full from the ice cream, I could barely walk.”
“No!” Vanessa said, matching Renni’s enthusiasm.
“Yes!” she nodded. “So Sam carried me on his shoulders… I was the tallest one in the park.”
“Wow, you had quite a day.”
“I did,” Renni nodded. “I wish we could do it again.”
I laughed. “I think you’re going to have to give Sam and I time to recover, bunny,” I said.
“Next time you should come, too, Aunt Vanessa,” Renni said readily.
“That sounds perfect,” Vanessa nodded. “Especially since I would love to meet this famous Sam.”
“You have met him,” Renni reminded her. “When you came to pick us up when we had the accident.”
“That wasn’t a proper introduction,” Vanessa said. “I want to get to know the real Sam. The Sam that you seem to know and love.”
Renni looked at me with wide eyes. “That’s a good idea, isn’t it, Mommy?”
“It is,” I smiled. “I’m sure Aunt Vanessa will get to meet Sam soon.”
“Soon is so vague,” Vanessa said, raising one eyebrow. “I prefer tomorrow – will that work?”
“Don’t you have an exhibition tomorrow?” I asked, giving Vanessa a quizzical look.
“I do,” she nodded. “And, I’m hoping my best two critics will be there…with Sam.”
“Can we, Mommy?” Renni asked, as she grabbed my hand. “Can we please go and take Sam, too?”
I hesitated a moment. “I can always ask Sam,” I replied. “But he’s pretty busy. I don’t know if he’ll be able to make it.”
“Ask and see,” Vanessa encouraged. “I would love to meet him.”
“Okay,” I nodded as Renni beamed. “I will.”
“Aunt Vanessa?”
“Yes, honey?”
“Can I do some painting?” Renni was, bouncing on her feet.
“Please, you don’t even need to ask,” Vanessa laughed. “You know where my painting room is, don’t you?”
“Uh-huh,” Renni nodded.
“Well, run along then and go crazy.”
“But don’t disrupt Aunt Vanessa’s work space, please,” I called after Renni, who was already running away from us.
Vanessa laughed and turned to me. “How about some wine?”
“Umm…isn’t it a bit early?”
She shrugged. “I’m an artist. I dance according to my own tune.”
“Oh, go ahead then,” I nodded.
Vanessa poured out two glasses of red wine and handed one to me. Then she sat down and looked at me with searching eyes. “So,” she started. “How are things?”
I took a deep breath. “Yesterday was…a strange mix of emotions for me.”
“How so?”
“It actually felt like we were a family,” I admitted. “It was more than just about how we looked together to outside eyes… I actually felt that like a family.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Vanessa asked, taking a sip of her wine.
“It’s so soon, though,” I said. “I shouldn’t be feeling all this so soon.”
“You can’t help how you feel, hon,” she said. “You should know that better than anyone.”
“I do… It’s just…”
“Yes?”
“I haven’t felt this way about anyone other than Clint,” I confessed. “And, a part of me feels guilty.”
“Guilty?” Vanessa repeated. “Oh, Mia.”
“I know it’s probably irrational.”
“That is completely normal, hon,” she comforted me. “This is the first man you’ve let into your life since your husband died. Of course you’re feeling a little all ov
er the place.
“But I knew Clint well enough to know that he would have wanted you to move on. He would have wanted you to be happy, Mia, you know that.”
“I do,” I said, in a quiet voice. “But this is not about him… I just feel as though my loyalties are being tested.”
“Maybe they are,” Vanessa said. “But this is not a question of opposing loyalties. You can be loyal to both men – Clint and Sam. Just because you’re with Sam, doesn’t mean you have to forget Clint.”
I smiled. “You know, Sam is the one who brought up Clint yesterday. He wanted to know how we met and how we fell in love.”
“That’s a good sign,” she said. “It means Sam recognizes Clint is an important part of your history and he’s ready to accept that.”
I nodded. “Sam is a good guy,” I said, mostly to myself.
“Then I suggest you make this work,” Vanessa said encouragingly. “And bring him to the exhibition tomorrow night.”
I smiled. “I’ll do my best,” I promised.
By the time Renni and I got home that night, we were both exhausted. Her bubbly little face was scrunched up in sleep, but she had spent the night bouncing off the walls at Vanessa’s, so I wanted to give her a quick shower before bed.
“Come on, munchkin,” I called. “A quick shower and then it’s off to the land of nod.”
Renni followed me into the bathroom and undressed before I could help her. I sat by the bathtub and rubbed her back with a warm sponge as she patted down the water with her palms.
“Mommy?”
“Hmm?”
“Next Friday is parent career day,” she said.
“Really?” I asked. “That came around fast.”
“Nelly’s daddy is an architect,” Renni said. “And Jolie’s daddy is a surgeon.”
“Impressive careers.”
“What was my daddy?”
She wasn’t looking at me. Her green eyes were fixed on the water in front of her. She didn’t look sad or upset. She was merely asking me a question that required an answer. I realized that all the emotion was coming from me.
