by Fran Louise
“This is it, huh?” he said, looking up.
I remained silent, watching Jay instead. He looked tired. The urge to stand and take him in my arms was overwhelming. Still heartbreakingly handsome, that effortless gleam was nonetheless somewhat tarnished. No wonder, after the last couple of days ... I’d probably gained a couple of grey hairs myself.
“It’s nice,” he said. “I remember it.” He looked down, his eyes warm and teasing.
I recalled an abrupt kiss in a car and my running through that door like a woman hunted an eternity ago. I laughed lightly. Looking back at my brownstone, I shook my head. “It’s just a house,” I said with a shrug. “You’re probably right; it’s not worth the extra ten percent.”
I wanted to mention the other houses in the street that had gone for more, and some of them didn’t even have the original features like mine did, but I pressed my lips closed. New leaf: I was here to cooperate, not lead the way like I normally did. I was making room for him in our lives.
“It’s not,” he said.
“It was just a crazy idea,” I managed. “Nostalgia.”
A warm breeze had started up. It brushed his hair across his eyes, obscuring them as he looked down at me. “Are those the keys?”
I nodded.
“Show me around,” he said.
“No, let’s just go.”
“Come on.”
I smiled reluctantly. “Why?” I checked my watch. “I have to get these keys back to the realtor before they close.”
“Just show me around, Winters.” He picked up the car seat and left me to follow after him. “I’m curious about your former life.”
He fussed over Nina at the door for a few moments until impatience made her look back. “Let me in,” he said.
I started the tour at the back of the house, on the first floor, showing him the small kitchen-garden I’d created near the decking outside, which had, unfortunately, withered to nothing during the foreclosure period. I couldn’t quite stay on topic like the realtor had. I furnished each room with memories instead: the housewarming party where Monica’s youngest had locked the neighbour’s cat in my washing machine; the endless night’s spent pacing up and down the hallways with a crying Nina; the mailman, George, and his handyman skills; the claw footed tub I’d found on eBay for a song which had turned out to be miniature.
Jay listened patiently as he followed me from room to room, laughing when I did, quiet when a sadder memory was conjured up in the dust. By the time we reached the nursery on the second floor, I was exhausted. I let him go in first and then leaned on the door frame to watch him. He put Nina’s seat down exactly where the crib had once been.
I smiled. He couldn’t know, of course. I watched as he picked her up. With her small body resting on his shoulder, he stared out at the view. My heart was breaking, suddenly, seeing him standing at the window where I’d so often stood with Nina, wondering, worrying. He’d been out there, all that time, neither of us knowing. Our lives had so nearly veered in another direction entirely.
I sat down on the stairs quietly and wiped the silent tears from my eyes. I didn’t want to disturb Jay’s moment with Nina. He seemed very happy and at peace, and I didn’t want to spoil that. I took a few deep breaths, and by the time he’d put her back in the car seat and turned, I was more or less back under control.
“You were happy here,” he said, approaching me with his hands in his pockets.
I stood up. Ironic, considering my heart was breaking now. Nodding, I stepped down on to the landing to meet him.
He paused in front of me, his eyes searching my features. “Where was your bedroom?”
I gestured towards the master bedroom at the front of the house.
“Show me,” he said.
A breath of laughter touched me. The scene reminded me of something, another time, another planet ago. Back then my legs had been wrapped around his middle and he’d been half making love to me on the counter of a galley kitchen somewhere in Brooklyn. Under his current amusement he had a very predatory expression on his face and I suspected he was remembering something similar. A current shot down my spine as I led the way into the empty room.
No, not empty—there was a brand new mattress on the floor. “It’s odd, right?” I said. “Who leaves a new mattress in an empty house?”
“Odd,” he agreed, though he didn’t seem terribly interested. His shoes made a light clicking noise as he walked to the window and peered out. “Is it quiet, at night?” He still had his hands in his pockets. He was still watching me with intent when he turned.
I took a step back and stumbled on the mattress. Getting my balance, I said, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
Like you want to throw me down on the mattress and fuck me. “Triple-glazing,” I said.
The light clicking noise approached me slowly. “How long does Nina usually nap for in the afternoons?”
“An hour,” I said. Okay ... so maybe I wasn’t misinterpreting the look. Swallowing, not quite able to switch modes, I asked, “What happened this morning? How did it go?”
“Okay,” he said. He was close enough that I could smell his shower gel, or shampoo—whatever it was, it was intoxicating. “My lawyer’s pretty confident this’ll go away.”
“And your father?”
The light in his eyes dimmed slightly. “He’ll survive. He always does.” He lifted one hand from his trouser pocket and touched the side of my face. “I don’t think we should press charges on Elizabeth, Stella.”
I inhaled involuntarily, pursing my lips to exhale.
His expression flinched. “She’s not well.”
“Was she there?” I asked.
“Yes, but I think she’s finally accepted things are over.”
I had no interest in punishing the woman. “I don’t want her near Nina,” I said. “If she stays in your life, that is.”
He nodded. “I promise.”
Unable to keep him at a distance any longer, I rested my head on his chest. When I looked up again, his scent was all around me. “I really want to create a home, Jay,” I said. “I’ve missed all of this. Maybe this seems like nothing to you, but I wish you could have seen it, before.”
“It’s not nothing,” he said with a cautionary smile. He paused, frowned. “Are you nesting?” His other hand came up and he cradled my face.
“Maybe.”
“Nesting, or broody?”
“Does horny count?”
“You realise there’s a mattress right behind you,” he said. “Don’t throw around words like that unless you plan to back them up.”
My hand slid under his jacket. Inside it was a mix of cool cotton and heated male. I dipped my hand below his waistband to touch his ass. It was hard and round, impervious to my fingernails. “Who said anything about not backing it up?”
The sun was starting to dip in the sky by the time we were naked on the mattress. We lay facing each other for a moment, just taking in the silence. Light flickered against the wall behind his head. His legs were warm and rough next to mine.
“Did you ever think about me, in this room?” he asked.
I thought about him now. “At least once,” I said finally. Amusement warmed me. “The night after we met in the hotel, when you asked me if Nina was yours.” I had to cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe it took me so long...”
He reached up and uncovered my face, kissing my fingers. “I thought about you that night, too,” he said. His voice was hoarse; I couldn’t work out if it was regret or arousal. “Seems like a long time ago.”
“It was,” I said.
“Why did you come out with me that night?”
This made me laugh. I eased back against him, searching for air. “Why do you think?”
“You wanted to get laid?”
“Yes,” I said, still laughing, “but I’d just had a baby. I hadn’t had sex in nearly a goddamn year. I was a mess, actually.”
>
“A horny mess,” he concluded. “Why didn’t you run off, then, when I kissed you?”
The amusement settled. I touched his features. How could I have looked at him over and over again and not seen him properly until now? The handsome features didn’t hold his real beauty. It was the light flickering in those caramel eyes, the patience and the humour in it. “I was scared,” I said, kissing him lightly.
His frown could have sliced through me. He touched my cheekbone, tracing the scar. “Are you even going to tell me how you got that?”
The light in the room seemed to flicker, as though the sun were dipping under the horizon. Part of me never wanted to bring it into our relationship, that darkness, and yet ... I shifted against him. “I fell down some steps,” I said.
We both waited; me, to see if he’d be satisfied with that. After a few moments, it became apparent on his narrow expression that he needed more.
I exhaled, buried my head in his chest for a moment and took courage in the nourishing scent of heated male. “After my mom died,” I said, my voice muffled, “I let my dad move into her house with me. He was sober at the time.”
“Did he hit you?”
“No,” I said, hurriedly. “It was stupid ... I was still a kid, I’d just lost my mom. I needed help. I gave him too much access to the money...” I rested my head on Jay’s shoulder for a moment, touching my lips to his skin, brushing my cheek against his neck as though to erase the scar. “He fell off the wagon. He drank his way through the money. I don’t know why I’d expected anything different. I confronted him and he threw me out of the house. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.”
“Jesus, Stella.”
I laid my head back on the mattress. “I’m not angry about it,” I said, my voice even. “It wasn’t him; it was the addiction. The only thing I’m angry about is that—I let it get inside of me all that time. I let it change me.” I touched my hand to Jay’s hip. “Maybe that’s why I left you that night. I couldn’t do casual sex anymore ... but I couldn’t trust you enough to do anything else.”
“What about now?” he asked.
His hand smoothed across my hips, pulling me into him. I closed my eyes to revel in the familiar sensations coursing down through my body; sensations uniquely crafted in response to Jay’s scent, his touch; the weight of his thrust. Arms around his neck, I fitted every part of my body close to his.
His hand started up a slow, determined stroke against my ass. His cock was stiff, nestled against the dull, painful throb between my legs. I moved against him instinctively. “I can’t have this conversation if you keep doing that,” I said.
He breathed against my neck. After a pause, he lifted his head and looked at me. “I don’t know how to have a relationship, either,” he said.
I stilled.
“There are no addicts in my immediate family, but love and respect doesn’t figure too highly on their list of values in life.”
Brushing his hair back, I considered his confession. “I take it that’s why you married Elizabeth.”
“I can’t even remember why I married Elizabeth,” he said. “Everything’s changed so much in the last year that I can’t even remember who I was back then.”
“I remember,” I said. A smile touched my lips. “You weren’t exactly warm and fuzzy but you were the best fuck I’d ever had in my life.”
He laughed. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Are you saying I’m warm and fuzzy now?” Before I could answer, he positioned his body on top of me. “And does that preclude me from being the best fuck you’ve ever had?”
My legs rose instinctively when he pressed his hips down. He was dangerously close to being inside of me. Logic fled. I couldn’t have made a guess at what we’d been discussing, my whole being focused on the acute throb building between my legs.
As though a match had been lit, desire flared between us. He fastened his mouth on mine. His hands held me captive. I didn’t know why, and I pushed against him, aching to touch him. My legs tightened around his waist, a low whimper leaving me when he gasped.
“There’s a condom in my jacket,” he said against my lips. He looked at me for a long moment, neither of us moving. “I think we should use it,” he said, and then added, “this time.”
The disappointment was a shock. Swallowing, I nodded. When had I decided to have more kids? “Okay,” I said.
He kissed me again, and I could feel a smile on his lips.
We didn’t talk again until it was dark. Sated, my body pulsing from deep inside, I lay back and panted as he rolled off me. For a surreal moment I was back in my old bed, staring up at the familiar ceiling. I understood clearly what Jay had meant about not recognising himself from all those months ago.
“God bless Nina,” he said into the silence.
I laughed. “What?”
“I needed that. I don’t think I could have handled any interruptions.”
I rolled on to my side, resting a hand on the narrow trail of hair on his stomach.
“I like this room,” he said.
“You’re oddly animated for a post-coital man.”
“I know. I’m excited.” He exhaled heartily and then got up on his elbows.
“Why?”
“Because, as cheesy as it sounds, this is the first day of the rest of my life,” he said, peering down at me. “I always used wonder how people could say such banal things, but—I really get it.”
“The rest of your life,” I mused. I lay back and watched him, admiring the shadows on the sharp edges and flat planes.
“You’re in it,” he said. He turned on his side. “Nina’s in it.”
I shivered as his hand rested on one sensitive breast. A smile tickled my mouth at the energy coming from him.
“And I think,” he continued, a low frown shading his eyes as he glanced around, “that this house is in it.”
If there had been pillows I could have picked one up and thudded against his handsome head. “I knew it!” I shrieked instead. The sound of Nina wailing followed like an echo.
He flinched melodramatically. “Okay, keep it down.”
“I knew it,” I hissed. I scrambled to my feet, already half way out the door to get Nina. “You bought this place, didn’t you? You’re the bidder from yesterday!”
“You did not know. Admit it, you had no idea.”
“I knew!” Darting from the room, I ran down the shadowed hallway towards Nina. For a moment I felt like I was running on air. Joy fizzled through me like champagne bubbles.
I stopped before Nina’s seat and lifted her out, hushing her as I pulled her close to me. Despite her crying, I couldn’t stop the astonished laughter. I turned on my heel and strode back to the master bedroom. Jay was stretched out comfortably on the mattress, gloriously naked in the fledgling moonlight.
“Did you really buy this house?” I couldn’t even finish the question without laughing.
He’d bunched up his suit and was using it as a pillow. He grinned, nodded, and put his hand behind his head. “Bring her over here.”
I did as I was told, lying her down on his chest. She stopped crying. Her eyes widened as she stared up at her father, as though trying to place him.
“Did you buy it for us?” I asked.
He was entranced by Nina, but managed to drag his gaze away long enough to nod at me.
Tears welled in my eyes.
“It’s what you wanted,” he asked, “isn’t it?”
I swallowed. “How did you know?”
“It wasn’t hard.” His voice was kind. “I nearly missed it. It was pretty close for a few hours there yesterday.” He sat up, resting his back against the wall and cradling Nina in his arms as though he’d been handling babies all his life. “My accountant was keeping tabs on it. I told him to let me know once the foreclosure period was up, but with everything that was going on...” His voice trailed off as Nina chuckled at him. “I had to do some creative negotiating to get the re
altor to take it off the market.”
“Why?” I asked. “When? It went into foreclosure months ago. Before we knew about Nina.”
His sigh was infinitely patient.
Feeling suddenly obtuse, I curled into his side, one hand on Nina’s head. Doubt flickered in me like a flame in the wind. “Have you been keeping tabs on me all this time?” I asked gruffly.
He kissed the top of my head. “I tend to keep tabs on the things I want, Stella. That includes you.”
I considered him, the heavily-lashed eyes that were obscene on such a masculine face. “Why?” I asked.
He frowned. “Why what?”
“Why did you—do you—want me?”
He was silent. Or rather, he didn’t speak, but the rumbling of emotion in his expression was overwhelming. I swallowed back an answering pull of yearning. “You know I’ll never stand in the way of your relationship with Nina,” I said huskily. “You’re her father. I don’t think I could have picked anyone better even if it I’d meant it.” I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I’m sorry it took me so long to trust you, Jay.”
“Don’t be upset, Stella,” he said, his voice a breath. “You were just looking out for Nina. I get that now.”
“I was scared, too,” I admitted.
He frowned. “Why?”
“I told you I was getting emotionally involved...”
He laughed. “What does that even mean?”
“I love you.”
The world seemed to get very still. His chest, which had been rising and falling under my cheek, became as rigid as stone. His expression was stark. I eased back. I kept my hand on the softness of Nina’s leg just to anchor myself to the real world.
Oh, God ... did I really just say that?
“It doesn’t change anything,” I said in a rush of assurance. “We still have to take things slowly, for Nina’s sake.”
“It doesn’t change anything?”
“Well, no.”
He sat up abruptly. Nina hollered and then quietened as he hushed her, rocking her gently in his arms for a moment. I, however, toppled off his chest and off the mattress on to the floor, making him laugh.
“Jay!”
He did an admirable job to stop laughing, reaching out with one hand to steady me and help me back on to the mattress. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry,” he said.
