by Allie York
We moved the party out to the backyard once the brownies were done and Jacob took off his dress shirt to throw the ball with Ollie. I sat at the picnic table, watching while Jacob repositioned Ollie’s arm and stance. I had to continually remind myself how badly they both deserved the time, the opportunity to know each other, and forced myself to hang in the background. Once it was too dark to see the ball, they came in all laughter and raucous. I couldn’t help but think it was how my life was supposed to be. Ollie with his dad playing baseball and tracking mud into the house. It was the happy ending I would never see. I sent Oliver to shower and started unloading the dishwasher. Jacob watched me—I could feel him like a caress. I was always overly aware of his eyes on me. His presence in the house was overwhelming, and I felt like a fumbling moron. All the guy had to do was watch me and I got flustered.
Chapter Seven
JACOB
I stupidly watched her put dishes away for a few seconds before jumping in to help. I took a plate from her and stacked it on the shelf, giving her a smile when I turned back to get another. It was how things should have been. I should have spent every evening helping her pick up our home after playing ball with our son.
How is she so fucking beautiful?
She wasn’t wearing anything special, just a black shirt and jeans, but it was perfect. Having her so close to me made me hard, and she would notice if I didn’t cool my shit. Something about knowing she had done an amazing job raising my son made me want her even more. Lydia bent down to get another dish and I stepped in behind her, waiting for her to stand up. Once she did, her back hit my front and she let out a startled yelp. I caught the cup she dropped, setting it on the counter with one hand, and circled her waist with my other.
“Jacob …” her voice trailed off when I brushed her hair back to nuzzle into her neck. She used the same vanilla shampoo from years ago and my dick twitched at the memory. “We can’t do this.” Her voice was forced and breathy.
I smiled against her neck. “Lyd, just hear me out. Can you do that?” I nipped just below her ear and she nodded, holding her breath. “I’m going to give you the space you want. No more flowers at work, no more approaching you like this, but only to give you time to think.” Her heart was racing; I could feel her pulse in her neck against my cheek. “If you decide you don’t have feelings for me, I’ll back off. We can parent Oliver however you see fit, but if you still love me like I think you do, I’m coming for what’s mine.” Love. It was a word we banned the first night we spent together. The night she graduated. We made a mutual agreement that no love was involved. It was pure lust and maybe some emotion, but love was not that emotion. We were fooling ourselves, though, because we both fell in love that summer. “Do we have a deal?” I had broken the deal before the words came out of my mouth. Lydia would be in my life, in my bed, no matter how long it took me and no matter what I had to do to make it so.
She spun to face me, biting her lip before speaking, “We agreed. We agreed it wouldn’t happen. I never said I loved you.” Her voice trembled when she said it, but she stayed still in my arms, placing her hands on my chest right where they belonged.
“We both lied, and you know it. I missed out on you, and I missed out on him. I’m never going to be away from either one of you again.” With that, I took my hands off of her, backing up, and let her have her space. Without an answer, she went back to the dishes, letting out a ragged breath, and I propped against the counter, just watching. Her face was red and her hands trembled. I knew what she was feeling. The whole idea was difficult, but I had fucked it up enough, and I was going to put it back together.
Oliver came back in wearing pajamas to give me a fist bump and kiss his mom before going to bed. He hugged her, whispering in her ear, and left. Then we were alone. Lydia offered me a drink and I followed her out to the front porch. Lightning bugs were starting to come out as summer approached and the chill was gone from the air. We sat on opposite ends of the steps, stewing in the awkward silence. There was obviously something she needed to say, but it seemed to take a little more wine to actually spit it out.
“How many of us are there, Jacob?” She stared at her glass, running her fingers around the rim.
“Who?” I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.
“Girls like me. How many?” Lydia finally faced me with the most pained look in her light blue eyes. I struggled to not spew my beer in her face. Is she fucking kidding?
“Do you think I victimized you?” The words tasted sour coming from my mouth. How could she? “Lyd, there was no one else like you, ever. What the fuck do you think I am?” Then I stood up; she honestly thought I had a thing for younger girls, that I bounced from school to school screwing barely-legal girls like some predator. I paced the short walkway in front of her house, running my hands through my hair, trying to believe what Lydia just asked me.
“I don’t know, Jacob. How the hell am I supposed to know? You were there then you were gone and I was alone. What should I think?” It was a good point. She truly didn’t know. Lydia had no fucking clue what I had done over the last thirteen years. She didn’t know that I thought about her for years on end, wanting to call her, track her down. Lydia had no idea that my marriage failed because Tera wasn’t her and I was bitter about it.
I stooped in front of her, forcing her to look me in the eyes. “I want to make something very fucking clear. There was never anyone else and there never will be again. Yeah, I got married, but it went to shit fast. No other woman could hold a fucking candle to you, so it was never going to work. I get that you don’t know, but you’re going to find out.” Her eyes were locked with mine, trying to look angry, trying to find something to hate me for. “I mean it, Lyd. Blame me for whatever you want. Be pissed I left, be pissed I didn’t call, but please tell me you don’t think that of me. Please tell me you don’t think I just used you and moved on.” After a moment of silence, she shook her head, whispering, “No” and I sighed in relief. “Text me when you’re ready to talk.” She nodded, tears running down her cheeks. I was emotionally drained and exhausted, too fucked up to even comfort her.
Breaking the ice with Oliver was nothing compare to what I faced with Lydia. She had gone thirteen years with the burden of thinking I had used her to get my rocks off and left her with my kid to go on to the next girl. Even I agreed it was fucked up, but it wasn’t all bad. I was completely in love with her after the first night, probably the second she crashed into me. Knowing I left her with so much was eating me away inside. I finished my beer and she took my bottle, retreating into the house, barley whispering good night. All the stuff I never knew I wanted was locked away in that house, and it made walking to my truck really fucking hard.
I let them be the next week, and part of the next. Other than a quick text to see how school was going. I didn’t bother them, and it was torture. My fingers itched to call her, text her, anything. I had overwhelmed Lydia, hell I overwhelmed myself, and they were both wrapping up the school year. I finally got invited back to dinner and it went even better than the first time, thankfully. Lydia encouraged Oliver and me to spend time together while she got some last-minute grading done after dinner. I listened to Oliver talk about how many chores he had to do to work off the new game system he got, and it hit me that she had supported him alone for thirteen years. Obviously, I wasn’t to blame for the situation, not entirely, but it was my job as a man to support my kid. We played a while longer, kicking the soccer ball outside, and letting Lydia get some work done. I doubted Oliver would have bothered her if I wasn’t there, but I liked the excuse to just hang out at their house even if she stayed away from me.
Once Oliver was in bed, Lydia came out of the kitchen with my beer of choice and sat across from me. She could still read me, knowing I needed a drink. Lyd obviously knew I had something on my mind from the way she looked at me when she sat.
“I don’t know how to breech this subject, so I’ll be blunt. Do either of you need anythi
ng? I mean, financially.” I didn’t want her to think I viewed her as a charity case, but needed to put the reality out there. I was willing to back either of them financially.
Lydia sipped her beer. “Oh, uh, no. I mean, I take care of everything,” Her face flushed a bright red as she stuttered through her response. She obviously was doing well, but Oliver was still my responsibility too.
“Well, of course. He’s obviously content, but if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. You don’t have to do any of it alone anymore. Or ever again, all right?” I knew she would never come to me for money, whether she needed it or not. I would have to find a better way to contribute. I was on my second dinner with them, eating food she provided. “I’ll cater next time.” Lydia started to argue, but I shook my head. “It wasn’t a question.”
“Okay,” she huffed, finishing her beer, “But don’t feel obligated. I promise it’s under control. I mean, teaching isn’t lucrative, as you know, but we do fine.”
“I do feel obligated. He’s my son, and you’re his mother. I have every intention of taking care of both of you, no matter how hard you fight me. So, when I show up with food and clean up afterward, or take you two out, just a ‘thanks’ is fine.” I winked at her but she rolled her eyes. Lydia could fight me, but they were going to be mine again if it killed me and I was going to take care of them.
Chapter Eight
LYDIA
I rolled Torin off me and climbed out of his bed to gather my clothes. I knew he was watching me, but I couldn’t look at him. I was too disgusted with myself. What the hell was I even doing screwing him again? And it had happened twice that week. I had my perfect man waiting patiently for me to run into his arms, but I was crawling up under a man I had no feelings for. Actually, I was finding Torin less appealing by the second. Even the sex was disappointing anymore. Torin growled and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door hard enough to make me flinch. He wanted more out of the arrangement than I did from the beginning and obviously thought I would change my mind. I should have ended it a month before, but he made me forget. When I was with Torin, I forgot Jacob for just a few minutes. For a little while, I wasn’t madly in love with a man who could very well leave me again, I was just enjoying a good orgasm with a hot guy. When Torin came out he was still in all of his naked glory and I dragged my gaze over him as he flopped back on the rumpled blankets. I wanted desperately to find him attractive, but I didn’t. Torin was just some guy who wasn’t Jacob and I was finally done fighting the inevitable. I sat at the foot of the bed, shoes in my hand, ready to leave.
“Carly is with Sarah tonight.” Torin tugged the back of my shirt, but I jerked away. I still couldn’t look him in the eye. I had been even less into it that night. Torin was pissed about me pulling away, but he would have to get over it. I knew without a doubt I wouldn’t be in bed with him again, ever. I was done.
“I know.” I also knew where the conversation was going. He would ask me to stay the night so he could cook me breakfast in the morning. Torin wanted to wine and dine me, but I wasn’t having it. It was the same every time. I would deny him, again, and the guy would pout for twenty-four whole hours before calling again, but the next time, I wouldn’t answer. I never hid the fact that I only wanted sex, and nothing more. I stood to leave, but he jumped up after me and grabbed me by the waist, throwing me back on the bed. I gasped and Torin climbed on top of me, straddling my hips and pinning my arms over my head.
“What are you using me to escape this time, princess?” His dark-blue eyes clashed with mine and I struggled under his grip. “You have been pissier than usual. Took me two weeks to even get you back over here, and then you act like you aren’t having a good time.” I fucking hated when he called me princess. He looked at me like some pampered woman who thought she was too good for him. Reality was I just didn’t feel a spark with him, never had. Torin was a decent lay and an even better distraction.
“Get off, Torin,” I growled at him, bucking my hips to shake him.
“I already did, and if I remember right, so did you.” I felt his dick harden again against me and I struggled more. “So, what is it?” I stopped fighting and just glared at him. Torin was the epitome of Alpha male, always throwing his weight around. Over the school year, I just learned to ride it out, but the aggression was new.
“It’s nothing, Torin. I’m just tired. End of the year is stressful.” I was truly exhausted. Ollie’s party was the next day which meant Jacob and his father would be meeting my family. Jacob had come to dinner twice a week and taken Ollie to his place once. Jacob had insisted on cooking or bringing food as opposed to me cooking. It drove me nuts, but made him feel more involved. I was stressed and tired and anxious about anything that involved Jacob. He made me crazy. He hadn’t brought it up again, but every time he looked at me, it was his way of asking the same question. Was I ready for him yet? Truth was, I wasn’t ready for anything. Obviously.
“It’s the kid’s dad. You wanna fuck him? You gonna leave me for him? Think he could do you better than I can?” Torin pressed his hard dick into my stomach with more force.
I growled, jerking my hands free from his grip and shoved uselessly at him, “I don’t want to fuck him, Torin. We fuck. Mindless, no attachment fucking, but not anymore. I’m done. Now get off of me.” He smirked in his cocky way and bared down on me, pinning me under his weight with one meaty arm across my chest, and got close to my ear. For the first time in the months I had been sleeping with him, I was scared. Torin was always pushy, but never rough. And there he was crushing my chest with one arm.
“You wanna be his woman, don’t you, princess? The asshole leaves you knocked up, gone for fucking years, and you want him back, but a perfectly capable man is in front of you and it doesn’t matter.” Torin curled his massive hand around my throat and gave it a firm squeeze. “Why am I not good enough for you? Being with a mechanic just isn’t good enough, is it? I’m not the kinda man you can take home to the parents, so I’m just good for fucking.” My breath caught in my chest and tears welled in my eyes as his grip tightened. Torin could kill me and the look on his face told me he might. I couldn’t answer, I could barely breathe, so I just stared up at him, trying to stay calm as his hand tightened around my neck. My lungs started burning and I squirmed, trying to suck air in. My vision started going fuzzy and I blinked rapidly. With a growl, he let me go and my hands went to clutch my neck while I gasped for air. Torin stayed on top of me, erection in full force, while I panted for breath.
“What the hell, Torin?” I shrieked at him, against my better judgement. He had nearly made me pass out with one hand and I had the nerve to yell at him. My stupid just intensified and I shoved at his chest, trying to get him off of me, but couldn’t budge him. Torin grabbed the back of my hair, twisting the locks around his fingers and pulling until I could feel the strands popping from my scalp. I gasped, clawing at his arm.
“You fucking him too? I don’t fucking do sloppy seconds.” Torin pulled my face dangerously close to his. “Answer me, princess.” I painfully shook my head, “Good. When you do, though, make sure the asshole fucking knows that pussy was mine, it’s used goods now.” Torin let me go, and I scrambled out from under him, backing into the headboard. He was hard as a fucking rock from jerking me around. Sick bastard.
I stood, slowly making my way toward the door and grabbing my shoes. “Stay away from me, Torin. Don’t call me, don’t come to my house. Stay the fuck away. I’m done with this shit. I’m done with you.” I made it to the door handle before he grabbed my shoulder and spun me, shoving me back into the door and leaning into my face. My big smart mouth. I should have tucked my tail and ran like a smart woman, but I had to run my mouth, had to have the last word. Torin narrowed his eyes before he shoved me, bouncing my head off of the door and backing up. Just as I slumped, letting out a breath, the back of his hand connected with my cheek and I yelped. My hand went to my stinging cheek.
“Get the fuck out of my house, P
rincess, and don’t bring your whore ass back in here. I don’t ever want to fucking see you in my house again.” Torin stormed into the bathroom and I ran from the room, tearing out of the house and jumping into my car. I didn’t bother with a seatbelt or my shoes, I just drove. It was well after midnight; Ollie was with Jude so he was safe. I was another story. None of what Torin had done was lasting damage, other than scaring the shit out of me. What the hell just happened?
I couldn’t call my sisters, they were asleep, had lives that didn’t involve drama only I attracted. I didn’t attract it, I begged for it. Plus, I didn’t need an “I told you so” from Jovie. I pulled over, parking on the side of the road and cried through the panic hitting me. My throat was sore and swollen, my head was pounding, and I was scared. Terrified, actually. Torin was a demanding asshole, but never rough or abusive, never scary. I slumped against the wheel, heaving big ugly sobs, and deciding what to do. I was afraid to go home. What if Torin decided he wasn’t done with me? Maybe I deserved his anger for not ending it when I noticed him getting attached. Maybe I had led him on by not breaking it off entirely. I was clear, but I knew all too well that emotions had a mind of their own and I had played with his inadvertently.
In my tired, terrified stupor, I did the obvious thing and called the worst person in the situation. I called Jacob. It was midway through the first ring when I realized I was making a mistake, but bothering anyone else was out of the question. He answered with a groggy sound that was almost a hello and I started sobbing again. Had I always been so damn weak? So damn stupid? I couldn’t even form words.
“Lyd? Lyd what’s wrong? Where are you? Is Oliver all right?” I could hear shuffling while he kept demanding I answer him, but I just cried, shaking as the reality slammed into me. Torin had assaulted me and I deserved every bit of it. “Lydia, where the fuck are you?” I heard his truck roar to life. “Is Oliver okay?”
