He dared a look at Tessa and saw tears running down her face. His heart shook at the sight. “Please don’t cry.”
“I don’t know how to…” Her voice broke on a sob, but she swallowed it back and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to prove to you that I get it, but I do. You were right. I want to control things because…because I never want to be left again. You can’t imagine…”
“I know.” His hand rose of its own accord, wanting to touch her, offer comfort. He forced it back to the bag, and he squeezed the paper to stop his shaking.
“But I was lying more and more,” she said, her voice tight with tears. “And suddenly I’m not really keeping them close at all, am I? It’s not really love anymore if they don’t know me. How could it be?”
“They love you no matter what.”
She nodded. “You’re right. So I have to let go of them, and live my own life. Without being terrified. And I want part of that life to be you, Luke. If I promise not to lie to you and you promise not to lie to me…can we just try?”
The ice in his glass shifted, drawing his eye, and he desperately wished he’d downed another shot. Everything inside him wanted to say yes. Yes, of course they could try. Yes, she’d brought him back to life and he couldn’t walk away from that.
Christ. He swallowed hard, then swallowed again, trying to clear the lump from his throat. How could he walk away from her? Was he really so weak that he couldn’t go after the best thing that had ever happened to him? Everything about her made him happy.
He shook his head, twisting his hands so hard that the bag finally gave way with a weak rip. When he saw what was inside, he couldn’t stop his bark of disoriented laughter, but that laughter was thick with pain. “Tessa.” He groaned.
When she drew in a breath, it trembled in her throat. He didn’t dare look at her, and in the end, that was his downfall. His inattention gave her the chance to sneak up on him. She slid onto his lap and put her arms around his neck, and as soon she touched him, he knew he didn’t have a chance.
“I’ll take care of your heart, Luke. I swear I will.”
He breathed her in, and just as he’d feared, her scent settled inside him, filling up every space in his chest.
“Please believe me. It’ll be a relief, being honest. It’ll be so much easier than trying to make everything perfect all the time.”
He dropped the bag and put his arms around her, and his whole body gave up the fight. It felt good and right with her. It always did.
She wasn’t his ex, and he wasn’t that man anymore. Tessa made him laugh, she made him happy. He’d never dare to take her for granted.
He closed his eyes and kissed her temple, letting the relief wash over him. She was what he wanted. Pushing her away had felt like the most bitter kind of cure, but maybe it had only been fear, pure and simple. How could he know for sure?
He was gone now. Lost in the weight and warmth of her body curling into him. “Don’t cry,” he whispered when he felt her breath break against his neck. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry,” she answered. “I’m sorry I told you to leave. I was scared.”
“I know.” Boy, did he. He was terrified, right at this moment, but he took that as a sign of what he should do, instead of what he shouldn’t. “My wife,” he started, and just starting the story hurt. “She got sick. And I thought that was a solution. A way for us to stop arguing and avoiding each other. I thought we’d battle cancer together and we’d get closer and everything would be great. Honestly, I even told myself it would be good for us. How fucked up is that?”
Tessa petted his shoulder and didn’t say a word.
“I started coming home early. I insisted on accompanying her to chemo and radiation. I researched wigs and healthy diets and supplements that might help. I thought I was being the perfect husband. And she thought I was more dedicated to the illness than I’d ever been to her.”
He heard Tessa swallow hard.
“In my mind, we finally had a great marriage. I was finally a good husband. I didn’t realize that wasn’t what she was feeling at all. She was facing death, and she was realizing that even if she only had a few months to live, she didn’t want to spend those months with me.”
He felt her sharp gasp. Her fingers curled into his arm, and even though it hurt, he didn’t stop her. “She said that?” Tessa whispered.
“Not in those words. But that was what she meant. We were only a few weeks from her final scans. A few weeks from finding out if she was in remission, but the prognosis didn’t matter to her. She’d realized that she didn’t love me anymore. Said that, at first, she was thankful that I stuck by her side. But as I became more and more invested in her illness, it just showed her that cancer was the only thing keeping us together. We’d been too young and hadn’t really known each other when we got married. She wanted something more for herself than a life spent living out a mistake.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I was in a daze afterward. Walking around like a zombie. Maybe that was what got me stabbed in the first place. But then… Then I almost died, and I saw what she saw. I saw my life laid out in clear choices, but the thing was, I was alone…. I laid in that bed and I felt my life closing up and all I wanted was her.”
He felt the hot seep of Tessa’s tears through his shirt, but his eyes were dry as bone.
“So I know how terrifying it is to be left, Tessa. To feel like that alone could kill you just with the pain of it. You don’t ever have to hide that from me.”
“How could she do that to you?” Tessa cried.
He’d wondered the same thing back then. But now he could see it. “Well, she was right, wasn’t she? That was her truth, and she had as much of a right to it as I had to mine. Because we weren’t happy together. At some point I would’ve met someone else or she would’ve walked out or one of us would’ve cheated. We weren’t happy, so she wanted to move on and be happy, and I wanted her to come back and be happy. But neither of us was wrong.”
She lifted her head and kissed him, her lips tasting of tears. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.
“I’ve never told anyone that, because I’d rather people think I left my sick wife than to have them know the truth. That she’d torn me open and left me there without a backward glance.”
Nodding, she curved her hand along his jawline. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I want to be honest this time.”
She gave him a shaky smile. “This time?”
“Yeah. This time. Do you think you can forgive me? About Simone?”
“Everything else you told me was true? You really don’t have those kinds of feelings for her?”
“I really don’t. Cross my heart.”
“And…you’re sure you want to try this?”
His laugh was slightly pained. “Yeah. I want to try pretty damn badly. Apparently falling slowly is a scientific impossibility. Falling means that you’re not in control, doesn’t it? I should’ve considered that.”
Tessa put her knees on either side of his legs and straddled him, reminding Luke that he’d never had any defense against her. “Excuse me,” she said before pulling up the hem of her shirt to mop off her wet face. “Sorry,” she said, her voice muffled by the fabric.
“No problem,” Luke answered, watching the mus cles of her stomach shift as she moved. Telling her the truth had lifted a pall from his soul. He felt new and weightless. He felt good. And touching her stomach seemed like the best idea in the world. He laid his palm to her naked waist just as she dropped the shirt.
“Oh.” She sighed. “I thought we were having a serious talk.”
“We were.” He slid his hand to her back and snuck his other hand beneath her shirt, as well.
Tessa closed her eyes. Her body stretched, arching into his hands. “You have no idea how good that feels,” she whispered.
“I think I’ve got a pretty good idea.” But he didn’t take it further. He didn’t try to und
ress her. He just drew her close and held her, feeling the warmth of her skin sink into his hands. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Tessa. No matter how hard I tried.”
She melted into him, her stomach against his. Her mouth sighing against his neck. “I know. I thought I’d never touch you again.”
That now seemed like the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. That he’d never touch her. That he’d never taste her. How could he have ever summoned the will to imagine that? He was a goddamn fool.
“I need you,” she breathed, and Luke thought his heart would give up right then. As a matter of fact, it did. He was in love with her. He knew it right in that moment. Stupid or not, he was gone.
They stayed like that for ten minutes, letting things settle between them. He could’ve stayed that way for ever, he thought, but then Tessa snuggled closer and he had an even better idea.
“Come on,” he said. “Come to bed with me.”
“The bed, huh? This must mean something special.” She got up and stretched, then grinned down at him. “You know what’s even more special?”
He raised his eyebrows in question and Tessa reached for the floor to pick up the gift he’d dropped. Luke groaned.
“Fancy lingerie!” she cried.
“Those are Batman underwear.”
“I know, but it’s not just the logo. There’s a Batman utility belt and everything. And…” She leaned forward to whisper. “They’re supertight boxer briefs. Rawr.”
“No.”
She ignored him and stepped over the barrier of his knees.
“I’m not putting those on!” he called out as she sauntered toward the bedroom.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.” But fuck it. He totally knew he was. Because it would make her laugh, and nothing made him happier than Tessa laughing. Except Tessa screaming his name, and that would follow soon enough, ridiculous underwear or not.
He’d tell her he loved her later. It was too soon. Too new. For now, he’d just have to show her. With Batman underwear. And anything else she ever wanted.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Two months later
THE FAMILIAR SOUND of a clip being ejected from a handgun woke Tessa from a deep sleep. She cracked one eye open, got smacked in the face by a ridiculous amount of sunlight and quickly closed her eye again.
The window was open. She could hear a melody of birdsong from the backyard, and a breeze had cooled the room to a pleasant chill. But her bed was sooo cozy….
The floor creaked near her door and Tessa opened both eyes wide to see Luke sneaking by. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Hey, you. I’m sorry I woke you.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost ten.”
“You’ve been gone five hours?” His phone had rung in the early-morning darkness, but Tessa had been back asleep before he’d even left the bed. She snuggled farther into her pillow. “Is it a big murder case?”
“Actually…it might be. We’ll have to see what the medical examiner says.”
“Poor you. Come here.”
Luke smiled. “No, I’ve got to shower and change. I grabbed a few things from my place.”
“You should move your stuff over here,” she mumbled. He didn’t answer, so she forced her eyes back open again to find him shifting uncomfortably. “What?”
“How much stuff?” he asked.
Oh. She probably shouldn’t have said that, not without thinking it through. But strangely, it didn’t even scare her. “Come here,” she repeated.
He sat on the edge of the bed, eyes narrowed to study her face. Tessa closed her eyes and rolled to her side, letting the blanket fall open just a little. She felt so warm. Her skin hot and naked and beautiful. When the cold air touched her, her nipples drew painfully tight. She looked at Luke again, and he was no longer studying her face. His hand disappeared beneath the sheets and curved around her hip.
“Mmm,” she purred, feeling how the warmth of his hand disappeared into the searing heat of her sleepy skin.
“I’ve got to shower,” he murmured, but his hand slid up her waist and over her ribs. “Your brothers will be here in an hour.” He cupped her breast and she turned to her back and arched into him. “Tessa…”
This could be her real life if she wanted. This kind of heat. This connection. Up until now, her relationships had all been happy threads, trailing through a life she kept separate. But this kind of connection was an anchor. It was strength. “I love you,” she whispered, reaching up to pull him down to her.
“I love you, too.” His hand kept exploring her body as he leaned down to kiss her. She never got tired of hearing it. She wanted to hear it every morning. Every night.
“As much as you want,” she said.
“Hmm?” His hand touched lower, smoothing down the hair of her sex, cupping her heat.
“As much stuff as you want. I don’t like the way you have to leave here in the mornings.”
His fingers slid down, and Tessa parted her knees so he could feel how wet she was. She could tell by his sigh that he loved it.
“You want me here?” he asked.
She didn’t know if he meant in her house or inside her body, but the answer was yes, either way.
Luke tugged her around until her feet hung off the bed and her sex was open to him. He unfastened his pants and Tessa watched past her lashes as his thick cock sprang free. She bit her lip and wrapped her legs around his hips.
When he reached for the bedside table, he pulled the drawer too hard and everything crashed out. “Shit,” he muttered, reaching blindly down to grab a pack of condoms. But his eyes stayed on her. Always on her.
Finally, he was pushing inside her, sliding deep and true.
Tessa couldn’t hold back a loud cry as she arched into him. She needed him so much that she felt empty with it. He filled her up, over and over. His eyes watched her hand slide down her belly.
She cried his name as she touched her own body, rubbing pressure into her clit. Pressure that built with ever slide of his shaft. Pressure that felt so good it made her sob.
“Tessa,” he breathed. “Tessa…”
Her body broke open within seconds, too full of pleasure to contain it. Luke followed right after, thrusting brutally into her as her hips spasmed against him.
He collapsed, laying his face tight to her shoulder, breathing ice across her breast. She curled her hand into his hair and kissed his temple. “Stay with me,” she said, not a breath of hesitation in her voice. “Stay with me, because I’m not afraid anymore.”
When she felt him nod, she grinned at the ceiling. This wasn’t so hard. Not with Luke. “Are you any good with your hands, Detective?”
He lifted up to frown at her. “Pardon me?”
“If you’re going to move in, I thought maybe we could refinish the floors. Fix a few things. Move some stuff out…”
“Sure. Anything you want. But what about your brothers?”
“I’ll talk to them. But not today.”
“Thank God,” Luke muttered.
Today was their first Sunday together as one big happy family. Or one big wary family of men who didn’t trust one another. They were easing into it with a Sunday lunch instead of dinner, because there was a baseball game at one that everyone wanted to watch.
“Speaking of which…” he said with a sigh. “I really don’t want to get caught in the shower again, so if you’ll excuse me…”
“So polite,” she murmured, curling back under the covers as he left her. “My brothers would really like that.”
He choked in horror before the bathroom door closed behind him.
Tessa needed to hit the shower herself. The chicken she was serving for lunch was marinating and ready to be put in the oven, but she still needed to throw together a salad, not that the men would care. All they cared about was meat, and she was already anticipating the complaints about the chicken not being cooked over an open fire, but
she wasn’t an idiot. No way was she going to let three big men argue over who was grilling what and which one didn’t know his ass from a barbecue fork.
The next time she opened her eyes it was because Luke’s hand connected with her ass with a smack. “Get up. It’s ten-thirty.”
“Fine,” she groaned, lurching from the bed. Luke was already dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.
“Is my hair dry enough?” he asked. “I was trying to hurry, but I don’t want them thinking I showered over here.”
“You look fine. Better clean up the condom wrappers, though.”
“Shit!” He jumped toward the bed as she wandered to the shower, smiling at his nervousness.
“I thought you didn’t want me lying anymore,” she drawled.
“These aren’t lies. These are helpful illusions. For your brothers’ sake.”
“Right.”
He’d calmed down a little by eleven-thirty when Jamie knocked, but Luke still watched with wary eyes as she went to answer the door. At least her brothers had finally learned their lesson about coming in uninvited.
“I brought the beer,” Jamie said, not looking the least bit happy.
“It’s not even noon.”
“Oh, we’re going to need it.” Despite that he’d pressed her to make up with Luke, Jamie still refused to budge on his opinion that a divorced cop he’d once partied with could possibly be good enough for Tessa.
“Come on. It’ll be fun.”
Jamie flashed a patently fake smile and twirled a finger over his head. “Sure. Good times.”
Eric was only slightly more accommodating when he arrived, but all the men seemed to relax when Tessa piled their plates high with chicken. Or maybe the beer was kicking in. Either way, the men couldn’t maintain their tension in the face of meat, beer and baseball talk. Despite her triumph, Tessa felt her eyes glazing over.
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