She passed the concrete picnic tables that sat under white canopies and ambled up and over the wooden walkway to the glowing white sands that graced this part of Florida. As soon as she got within fifteen feet of the water, she dropped to the sand and dug her fingers into the round grains of quartz. She’d missed this place in the years of graduate school and fellowship. She closed her eyes and let the breeze chill her skin.
With each molecule of salty water that misted her skin, another muscle relaxed. She took a deep breath and asked herself the question that she wouldn’t answer earlier.
Do you really want a relationship with John Duffy, a Marine that doesn’t stay in the same place? A Marine, she emphasized.
She could kick him to the curb. He’d been too cryptic the past two days, and that made her wonder, and her wonderings weren’t good ones. But, did she want to live life without him? He accepted her for the nerdy woman she really was. She loved chemistry. She thought about the world in terms of microscopic molecules and atoms and how those items could mesh together with enough pressure or heat or the right catalyst. Why did relationships have to be different?
She asked the waves, “Do I want this bad enough to make a go of it?” The breeze whistled beside her ears and answered it for her. “Yes.”
She laughed. The beach had done it again. With this new clarity, she brushed her hands of the sand and headed to her car. She wouldn’t show up on his doorstep with a triumphant goodbye, because it wasn’t what she wanted.
Couldn’t she, with enough words and with sex as the method of change, make something with Duff? Did she need to end it because he’d had an emergency? It couldn’t have been terrible, because then he would have told her something.
This would need to be a sneak attack. She couldn’t think of anything better than to do the unexpected.
Chapter Ten
Duff turned off the light beside Lizzy’s bed. After playing on the beach and a big dinner, she’d fallen asleep soon after he started the book about the dancing swan. But he’d stayed beside her ensuring that sleep had taken its hold. Watching her sleep had always fascinated and soothed him, particularly in those tumultuous times after she made her way into the world. He’d been around for the first six months, but then a deployment interrupted the co-living arrangement he and Mary had. When he’d returned nine months later, Mary had moved to Florida apparently with a new boyfriend who wasn’t American.
His first fight upon returning to the States was to ensure that he had plenty of time with Lizzy. For the past twenty-one months, that meant a week or two at a time when he wasn’t flying or commanding a squadron. He often asked Mary if she would let him have more time with his daughter, meaning half a year, but she always wrinkled her hooked Italian nose and squinted her big, brown eyes as she shook her head. “She’s mine as well as yours. You don’t just get to have her. Kids can’t be tossed around like that. It’s not healthy.” He didn’t know what had changed, but the woman obviously didn’t feel that way any longer.
When he got to the living room that now had more furniture in it due to the additions to his family, he held his arms out to his new savior, his mother. “In case I haven’t said it enough, thank you.”
She returned his hug and then pushed away. “You’re welcome. It’s not every day that your oldest son, who has never ever needed me, calls with such a desperate plea. I couldn’t say no. And aren’t you a lucky boy that I’d already retired here?”
“So glad you did. Without you, this week would have been a disaster.”
“It could still become one. We need a drink to toast each day that we make successfully.”
Duff shook his head. “Can you believe that I don’t want one?”
“Well, what do you want?”
Kirsten. That’s who. To snuggle with. To transport me with her sexy body and luscious breasts and ass. But, he couldn’t tell his mother that. “I was thinking a walk on the beach with a long stretch of sitting unless you need to go out for something.” Except he’d invite Kirsten for that walk on the beach. He’d apologize profusely to her, and break the news to her about Lizzy. Gently. That news was sure to put the brakes on their new relationship. It already had.
“Nope. I’m good. Head out, although I’m not sure what you’ll see this time of night.”
“It’s not about seeing. It’s about clearing my head, thinking of what more needs to be done. This place will do for now, but it’s a rental unit for beach goers in the summer. We’ll need to look for a house with a yard, and we’ll need to think of schools as we look. The list is endless.” He shook his head with the responsibilities that came with such a small kid. Damn, he needed Kirsten.
“Which is why I wanted a drink. It would let me forget it for a bit.” She shoved at his back. “Don’t worry. I’ll wait until you come back.”
When Duff opened the door he saw Kirsten standing at the door of his former apartment two doors down the hallway, and she held a huge bouquet of flowers. “I moved. That one’s vacant.”
She kept herself from clearing her throat so that she wouldn’t display nervousness. She didn’t even think to ask why he’d moved, and instead walked to where he stood in his doorway. “You said you had an emergency, and that might mean someone is sick or hurt, so I brought flowers.” She held out a bag of groceries. “And chicken soup, ginger ale, and crackers in case flowers didn’t work.” She plastered on a smile and crossed her toes since her hands were full.
“You are the perfect person for me to see right this moment.”
Duff’s smile and words were like the color change in a successful chemical reaction to her. “I am?”
“Talking to you face to face was next on my list.”
She liked the sound of that. She sidled up to him, pressing her breast against his arm. “‘To do’ as in that kind of doing it?” She raised her eyebrows. Sex had to be part of the wooing.
He cleared his throat, but not before a gravely female voice carried through the door. “I hope not. This place isn’t large enough for that.”
“Um.” Kirsten didn’t want to admit she’d made a mistake in coming to Duff to bring him back to her. Could his emergency have been the arrival of an estranged girlfriend? She stepped away from him. “Seems I should have called first.”
“No, no.” He grabbed the bag of groceries and the flowers. “Wait here.” He turned to the door and said, “Take these. I’ll be back.”
“Um, Duff. What’s going on?” Kirsten couldn’t keep the apprehension from her voice.
“Not here. Let’s go where we can be alone.” He nearly shoved her out of the still open door.
She followed him to the elevator but didn’t say anything about who was in his apartment now, holding the flowers she’d bought. With such a complicated situation, she didn’t know where to begin. She wondered if a night of wild, uninhibited sex was off the agenda. The fancy condoms and lube she’d purchased would go unused tonight. She sighed. She’d had such plans.
Duff broke the silence. “I have so much to say that there is no beginning.”
The elevator door opened to the first floor. Kirsten walked out of it to the lobby door and considered making a beeline to her car. She’d assumed this would be an easy relationship to begin again. Instead, he had confounding issues, whatever those might be. She paused at the door, intent on giving him a chance. “Try with what happened Saturday evening.”
“I’m going to tell you, but that will only open up a longer discussion.”
“Look, I’m the woman who can talk for hours. You’re the man of few words. It will be you struggling. Not me.”
“Fair enough, but let’s get somewhere we can walk.”
“Beach. I’m dressed warmly enough, and I can get a blanket from my car.” She guided him past her car where she popped the trunk and pulled out the ground cloth that she kept there. They crossed the road and snuck past a condo to reach the gulf side of the barrier island. If how many times he cracked his knuckles were any indicati
on of how stressful the conversation would be, Kirsten wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. She took the blanket from him and spread it on the ground. “Will I need to sit to hear this?”
“I don’t think so. I have a kid.” He blurted out the last words so quickly that she almost missed them.
Except there was no avoiding a statement like that. She’d heard him. He said he was a father, which put a serious kink in her plans, and she didn’t mean sex. “Um, yeah. I’m going to need to sit.” She sunk to her knees, missing the cover she’d just placed on the sand. “I thought you said you weren’t married.”
“I’m not. Never have been. Lizzy was an oops.” He shook his head and scrunched up his face. “She wasn’t an oops, but the woman sure was. I’m glad I have my girl. Wouldn’t trade her for anything.”
No kids. She didn’t want kids. It didn’t fit into the narrative she’d made for herself after Duff left. Damn, she’d just convinced herself that she’d try a relationship with Duff—a Marine for God sakes. She couldn’t handle a child, too. Kirsten dug her fingers into the sand. “Wait. Start at the beginning.”
“Which is where? The day that I started my drive across the country angry with your father for telling me what to do? Or maybe when I decided that the only way to get over leaving behind the woman I loved was to take any female who would agree to it back to my place? I came this close to leaving the Corps so I could come back to you, but then there was all the stuff in Iraq, Afghanistan. I couldn’t leave my men. I couldn’t disappoint my country. Not in me to do that. So, I stayed in. I fought, and I imagined your face on every woman in my bed, including Lizzy’s mother.”
She had no idea that he’d had the same emotional response to their parting or that he’d loved her. Why the hell hadn’t he said that before? She wanted something to pound upon, but the soft sand absorbed her blow, giving her no satisfaction. Wouldn’t it have saved him the trouble of going through all those sexual partners? She wanted to scream and cry and hug him and then shove him to the ground. Just a few words all those years ago could have saved her from hooking up with all those guys, all those empty relationships. Only the frantic pace of graduate school stopped her crazy action of trying to rid her brain of thoughts of Duff.
Then, she’d thrown herself into her classes and lab work instead of navigating the mostly male colleagues. She stayed away from complicated relationships, only getting into one scrape with the captain. She’d beat herself up over that. The piece of shit had been a married man. For weeks, she hadn’t eaten more than crackers and soda, sick over being that kind of woman. “You could start a little later, like what was the emergency that had you cancel dinner.”
He lowered to a crouch beside her. “Her mother dumped Lizzy at my doorstep along with new custody papers and three suitcases. In a matter of ten minutes, I became a full-time father.”
“So, um, that’s a good reason. I think I can forgive you for that. I mean,” she stammered. Her stomach tightened, the quick dinner feeling like a rock. “I do forgive you for that, because it’s not like you would say no, because if you did then I wouldn’t ever think of liking you again. I mean, it’s a kid. How old is she?”
“Three. I need to walk.” He pulled to his full height and offered her his hand.
She took it and made a point of looking into his eyes. In the dim light of the half-moon, she saw regret tinged with something else, but she couldn’t quite figure out what it was. “I have a few of those times I wish I could do over.”
“Do you have any secret babies out there?”
“No. No evidence of my stupid moments.” She whisked away the memories of failed trysts that threatened to intrude. “Who is the mother, and why in the hell did she leave her kid behind?”
“The woman’s name is Mary, and she was my date to a Marine Corps ball four years ago. We all got so drunk at the after party that I ended up with her in my bed, no condom, obviously no birth control for her, and she found me a few months later saying she was pregnant.” He winced a little. “It’s weird telling you this.”
“I can share my story of a Navy pilot that I met in the middle of grad school if it would make you feel better.”
“I think I’d rather not hear that.”
“That’s fine. I’d prefer not to remember it.”
“Back to Lizzy. Her mother and I tried to make a go of it, living together a little bit before the birth and six months afterward.”
Kirsten sucked in her breath. He’d tried at something more than just casual sex. Good for him. She had refused to even think about it for years. Only seeing him again had rekindled the dream of having someone around for life.
Duff grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “We had separate rooms. It’s not as cozy as you think. She’s nice looking, but the rest of her is lacking. She took off during one of my deployments to live with her sister, or so she said at the time. I got to see Lizzy every three months when I got stateside. It’s been that way for nearly two years. The entire time, Mary dated or lived with this Dutch guy, and she wanted to leave the country.”
“So she dropped her daughter off to do it?”
“More than that. She relinquished all rights to Lizzy. I’ve spent all my free time getting a new place to live, a day care so that my mom doesn’t have to do all the childcare, and convincing my mother to move in with us, which is who you heard by the way. It’s been crazy, and I wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry.”
She rubbed her face. “I’m sorry for you, too. So many changes in your life. Wow.”
“I doubt I will have much time for going on dates and cooking steaks in exchange for…”
She interrupted him with two hands on his chest. “Probably not.” A kid meant an end to impromptu blow jobs, sex on the floor, and feeling his hands on her breasts. She mourned all the moments they wouldn’t have.
“This shouldn’t mean that we can’t try.” His voice lilted upward, nearly begging for any sign of hope.
A kid threw in so many variables. With both of them living with either a mother or a roommate pretty much ensured that sex wouldn’t be a large part of the equation. A kid, and one in transition to a new parent, new place. Gah. She’d had both her parents with her for most of her life of constantly moving, and even she had trouble adjusting. A three-year-old who’s mother dropped her on the doorstep? Serious issues ahead. Her heart ached. She dropped her head to his chest. She didn’t know if she could do this. “So much effort.”
“Whoa.” He pulled her to a stop. “Say that again.”
She sputtered, trying to find the right words. All this information had taken her brain completely offline. She could barely think. “I said we could try again when I thought all we were dealing with was leaving the past behind us, forgetting the angst of eleven years ago, removing the specter of my father. Now, I don’t have that option. The past is a three-year-old girl who is going to need a mother. How can we start a relationship when you have to balance your work life with your family? I don’t even want to bring up that I don’t think I’m fit to be a parent. Being a professor, staying in one place, is enough.”
“Holy shit, Kirsten. You’re kidding.”
“I’m not.” A weight hung on her shoulders, like she was making the wrong decision. “We never got a chance to discuss all the stuff I had to deal with while taking care of my father as he died. I had my hands full with him. I barely had the patience to deal with a man who’d been a part of my life for thirty-one years. I know me. I won’t do well with a child that’s sure to have—”
“How will you know if you don’t try? Caring for an adult isn’t the same as raising a little girl. She’s adorable. She’s happy, and she is the only reason that I haven’t broken into a billion broken pieces these past few days. I’ve been on the edge of tears since she arrived.”
She never expected dramatics from him. The raised voice and the waving arms surprised her. She tried pointing out the histrionics. “I’m sure you never cry.”
“That�
�s where you’re wrong.” He turned his back on her and looked up. She had no idea what caught his attention or if he was avoiding looking at her.
She parroted her father. “Marines don’t cry.”
He twisted, showing the snarl on his lips. “Don’t spout that crap from your father. We cry. We just hide it. At least I cry.”
“Fine. You cry. She’s great for you, but—”
“Dammit, woman. The kid is part of me, and if you can’t handle it, then I guess there’s nothing left to say.” He spun on his heel and cut a diagonal path from the shoreline to where they’d walked onto the beach. His feet kicked up sand as she watched his back.
“Well, shit,” she said to the wind and the ghost crab that peeked from its hole. His abrupt action stunned her. Her feet didn’t move, although she knew she should go after him, explain a bit more. Something compelled her forward. She ran after him as she yelled, “It’s just a bad time.”
He turned, arms crossed over his chest. “Stop, Kirsten. You’ve said enough. Go find someone who wants to live in your sterile and ordered version of a perfect world. I’ll keep my chaos, and I’ll be happier without you.”
She pulled the commanding voice her father had used when he wanted his way. “You will not walk away from me again. Turn around right this moment.” She tossed her purse onto the blanket.
Duff turned. “What more could you possibly have to say?”
He had her there. She didn’t want a kid. She’d said all true statements, but she wouldn’t let him bail that easily. “Just that if you’re going to leave, we’re going to do it the right way.”
He sneered, and at that moment, he looked every inch the tough Marine—jaw set hard, laser beam like eyes glinting at her with the moonlight, and shoulders slung backward, ready to take on the enemy first and to win. “How do you propose we do that?”
“Sex.” She motioned to the square of fabric on the ground. Somehow, she’d made it a habit of expressing herself. Happiness, revenge, apology, and even sorrow had her turning to sex. She didn’t know how to stop doing it, and too late she’d realized that talking might have led to a more stable beginning.
Man Of Few Words Page 9
