—Doc Webster
Memories are the only real treasures a man has.
—Joe
"Straighten me, Nazz… ’cause I’m ready."
—Father Newman, quoting Dick Buckley
Every time I hear someone put the word "mere" in front of the word "semantics," I bite my tongue hard and remind myself that I too am greatly ignorant.
—Phillip
There aren’t many things a man can do as noble as passing up a chance to show how smart he is.
—Joe
Do not waste your fear on the mighty. Cowards make the deadliest opponents—and pacifists never fight fair: they can’t —and the worst thing about terrorists is how weak they are: so weak that they have to be monstrous to accomplish anything.
—Lady Sally
The distance between one and a hundred is nothing compared to the distance between zero and one.
—Joe
There’s nothing wrong with wanting wars to stop—but the moment a pacifist uses any weapon but calm speech, he’s a hypocrite. If he’s willing to kill, he’s a psychotic.
—Lady Sally
"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it’s lightning that does the work."
—Mark Twain to Nikola Tesla
The best nonprescription analgesic is laughter.
Maybe analgesic is the wrong word. If you laugh hard when you’re post-op, you hurt like hell. You just don’t give a damn. Hard to understand how a painful experience can leave you feeling better, but there it is.
Sharing the laughter makes it even better...
—Josie
You can learn as much about someone from watching them belly-laugh as you can from making love with them.
—Joe
Wrinkles are your combat ribbons. Wear them proudly!
—Shorty Steinitz
When something scares you shitless, you can go back up inside your head and hide. But when the thing that scares you comes from inside your head, you… well, you go to a place that isn’t a place, erasing your footsteps behind you. And somebody’s got to come in after you…
—Paul MacDonald
Short of accident or hypnosis, self abuse is logically impossible.
—Doc Webster, M.D.
The thing to do with a silly remark is to fail to hear it.
—Zebadiah J. Carter
Some delusions are necessary. Or do you know of a rational reason for living?
(You say you do? I won’t argue: your delusion is necessary.)
—Jake
Pessimism may be a realistic way of looking at life… but who can live with that much realism?
(You say you can? Stand back away from me, please—and use your handkerchief.)
—Jake
The human race has few (if any) problems that couldn’t be solved by massive wealth. And we’re literally surrounded by it, like a fly in amber. Now if we only had brains…
—Ben Bova
The worst misunderstandings are the unspoken ones.
—Slippery Joe Maser
The expression "lowest common denominator," when spoken outside the context of mathematics, is usually being misused. If used to connote contempt for something popular, it is certainly being misused. The speaker is both ignorant and elitist.
The phrase does not imply that that the commonest denominator is always the lowest.
Is it really true that fifty million Frenchmen can never be right? If so, would you explain to me how millenia of evolution produced almost nothing but failures?
—Dr. Jacob Burroughs
Sneering at something is an admission of failure. You are claiming superior talent or insight… but declining to use it. The best way to sneer at something, if you must, is to improve or outdo it.
—Shorty
Never carry a grapefruit.
—Lazarus Long
Erections are certainly useful in pleasing a woman, but I’ve never understood why so many people seem to think they’re essential. Sure, they’re flattering—but a man who doesn’t have an erection and still wants to make love to me: now, that’s flattering.
—Arethusa
Na mai kharundi, kai chi khal tut
(or, translated from the Romany:)
"Do not scratch where it does not itch."
—Gypsy proverb
To approach telepathy, you start with empathy and crank that up as high as you can.
—Jake
Why do we build refrigerators that spill money on the floor? And ovens that spill money on the ceiling? And sit them side by side, a heat-maker and a heat-loser, unconnected?
—Jim/Paul MacDonald
The customer need not always come first. Enjoy yourself: it’s contagious.
—standard advice of Lady Sally to apprentice artists at her brothel
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
—Tom Waits
A classic vicious circle: you don’t love yourself enough, so you treat yourself so badly that it’s hard for you to love yourself...
Be good to yourself. Maybe the idea will catch on...
—Les Glueham & Merry Moore
Triads have a very short shelf-life unless all three members are ambisexual. For a heterosexual species with two sexes, odd numbers are unstable. If a commodity is scarce, competition for it will ensue.
Triads are interesting as hell—while they last. But so is a chimney fire…
—Lady Sally
Kindness beats honesty, every time.
But think it through—and make sure you’re being honest with yourself...
—Mike
You got it, buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away…
—Tom Waits
"Man alone cannot know himself. The container cannot contain itself."
"I do not understand what you mean. Do not all containers contain themselves? If not, what does contain them?"
—exchange between Long-Drink and Mickey
Antiabortionists fail to carry their philosophy to its logical culmination: Stamp Out Menstruation! End the slaughter of millions! (And try to ensure that the ratio of females to males runs several trillion to one, so that every sperm can fulfill God’s Plan for it as well.)
—Mike
Among the most common thoughts that ever passed through a human brain:
"That doesn’t apply to me."
"It’s not fair."
"Not again."
"I wasn’t ready."
"I might have known."
"Make it not have happened."
"This can’t be happening."
"I have a right" (or, "I know my rights.")
Note that they are all incorrect or semantically null.
—Doc Webster
God damn it, you didn’t write it on a "word processor"! Or even a "computer." What it is, is a goddam typewriter—a machine for turning fingerstrokes on a keyboard into ink symbols on a piece of paper. (Okay, yours can also be used as a computer when you’re not writing—my old Royal manual can be used as a nutcracker, or a paperweight, or a murder weapon.) The silicon revolution did not change that process—from the user’s point of view—much more than did the electric typewriter, merely streamlined the error-correction process. When it’s being used to make words appear on a page, it’s a typewriter.
To speak of your "word processor" is like referring to your car as an "exothermically powered, myocontrolled matter transporter." The only purpose of the term is to cue your listeners that you can afford to use a computer as a typewriter, and all it really tells them is that you’re insecure enough to worry that people might think you still use one of those old-fashioned things to type on.
—Mike
And "electronic typewriter" is silly in the other direction: what it means is a computer so stupid that all you can do with it is type…
—Susan Maser
Love is an active verb. It’s not an abstraction or a conceptual idea. You have to
perform an action to show that it’s really real.
Enlightenment is not so much making it to Never-Never Land through the secret passageway. It’s more like getting off your tail and doing something…
—Stephen Gaskin
Concerning whores: anyone who thinks it immoral or exploitive or dishonest to "pay a person to pretend to care about you" has obviously never flown first-class… or gone to a psychiatrist, or a hairdresser, or eaten in a restaurant… or talked to a bartender they don’t know.
—Mike
Glad; sad; mad. What else is there?
—Long-Drink
Think of some miraculous thing.
Any wonderful object, okay?
Now think of two of them.
Wups, one is second rate.
Now think of three.
Gee, one is mediocre and one is the worst.
Comparison sometimes kills wonder...
—Jake
Prostitutes function rather like priests for people who feel more comfortable confessing their sins while naked.
—Father Newman
One of the silliest preoccupations of man is the notion that it makes some kind of sense to divide whole categories of people up into one winner and a whole bunch of losers or also-rans. What poor sick compulsive infected us all with that virus? And how?
—Doc Webster
"—If I let them live rent-free in my head, they’ll tear it up."
—black man on CBS Nightwatch, on his reaction to black women who bitterly criticize him for having married a white woman.
You can’t eat half a piece of shit.
—Mike
I think that there is only one church, and your membership button in it is your belly button.
—Stephen Gaskin
People who hang up on your answering machine without leaving any message—not even an apology for wasting your attention—are the most cowardly of pickpockets.
—Long-Drink
Fellow movie fans, I’m very sorry, but there is nothing you can do with a car to make it blow up. At most, you might start it burning. Falling off a cliff won’t make a car blow up. Only an enemy or a stunt coordinator can do that. Pity the hundreds of spinal cases every year who were pulled from non-burning wrecks, by movie fans afraid of the "inevitable" explosion.
—Noah Gonzalez
Anger is fear with an attitude.
–Mike
The pessimist sees only the darkness of the tunnel.
The optimist sees only the tiny point of light
in the distance.
The realist knows that light is probably
an oncoming train…
—Long-Drink
You are the people.
You are this season’s people—
There are no other people this season.
If you blow it, it’s blown.
—Stephen Gaskin
Meyer’s Law: In any emotional dilemma, the thing you should do is the one that’s hardest.
—John D. MacDonald
Ask the next question. Keep on asking questions and don’t stop, and sooner or later you’ll be asking intelligent ones. If you live long enough.
—Ted Sturgeon
It is usually better to not pull a gun than to screw it up.
—Mike
When I think of how different, how bleak and desolate my life could have been if I hadn’t happened to pay attention, a decade and a half ago, to the drunken ramblings of a broken-down fellow folksinger named Jake, lab-quality freon drips into my veins.
—Spider Robinson,
Foreword, Callahan and Company
Please consider yourself, now and henceforth, and no matter what anyone else ever asks of you, free to do any damned thing you want that doesn’t hurt someone else unnecessarily.
—Lady Sally McGee
Long-Drink McGonnigle’s Tip for Masturbators:
Sit on your hand first, until it goes numb.
Then it'll feel like someone else's hand.
It’s damned odd: the fight-or-flight adrenal rush is supposed to be the evolutionary heritage of millions of years of success in surviving crisis…and just about every time it’s ever happened to me, it ruined my judgment or my coordination or both.
—Jake
Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don’t ever piss one off.
—Jake
Usually if you’ve got the guilts, it’s because you did a disservice to someone or something you care about. So what you want to do is, go and do a service for someone or something you care about.
—Jake
(It doesn’t have to be the same someone. It’s best, but sometimes the guilt is nonspecific and it can’t be. And sometimes it’s too late. That doesn’t matter so much. The point is just to release the pressure—equal and opposite reaction. Slow and steady, ideally. What I’m aiming for myself is to achieve balance, equilibrium, about half an hour before I die. —Merry Moore’s codicil)
Be a rapturist—the backwards of a terrorist. Commit random acts of senseless kindness, whenever possible.
—Jake
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me… only he’s an imbecile.
—Jake
Politically-correct euphemisms are for the differently-brained.
—Tanya Latimer
Tyranny has its place. Universal freedom would deny my right to restrict Jeffrey Dahmer’s recreational and dietary habits.
—Doc Webster
One can dismiss out of hand any so-called religion that puts out death threats on satirists. It is self-evident that God enjoys rough humour.
—Gentleman John Kilian
Death to anyone wearing a turbine.
—racist graffitto spotted in 1993 in Surrey, British Columbia, by Mickey Finn…the only person on Earth who fits the description
A truce between the sexes? Are you out of your goddam mind? What else is there to distract us all from onrushing death? Television?
—Jake
It sounds so simple, but it’s so hard to do:
To laugh when the joke’s on you…
—tagline for an uncompleted song by Jake
The film generally agreed to be the greatest ever made—certainly the most studied and analyzed movie of all time—has a hole in its plot you could drive a freight-train through, in the first minute. The entire premise of the film is logically impossible…and almost everyone misses it.
Charles Foster Kane dies completely alone. So how do we know that his last word was “Rosebud”?
You like to think you belong to an intelligent species, and then something like this comes along…
—Naggeneen
Have you ever wondered how those missionaries communicated the idea of the so-called missionary position to the Indians? How did they come to have the vocabulary? It had to be show and tell, right? “Now, never do this…or this…and especially not this…”
—Jake
Over the years, I have come to learn that if you get a chance to turn anger into laughter, that will be a good thing to do.
—Jake
Looked at a certain way, people are essentially wish-generators, with no off-switch, and they’re dangerous when armed. We can’t help brimming with wishes… and most of them would kill us or worse if they ever came true.
—Mike Callahan
In some ways, it’s nice that memory is so plastic and transient. You play differently when you know there’s tape rolling.
—Jake
A writer’s real occupational hazard is carpal-tunnel-vision.
—Jake
Puns (I)
-
Set Pieces from
Punday Nights…
(Warning: the following pages contain material which may be deemed objectionable by more sensitive readers. Reader discretion is advised. Responsibility for any and all physical or psychological damage resulting from
continued reading is hereby specifically repudiated. Proceed at your own risk; do not read further while driving, riding in any conveyance, or operating heavy machinery. “Here be stynkers…”)
Callahan's Place 10 - Off The Wall At Callahan's (v5.0) Page 3
