by Olsen, Lisa
“Whoa,” Cady gasped. “This is one freaky dream.”
“Don’t you like this form?” The woman’s hand slid over supple curves to edge towards her knee and Cady scooted back six inches.
“It’s great, but… when I said I was done with men, I didn’t mean…”
“Ah, I understand,” she nodded pleasantly, changing back to his original form. “Is this better?”
“I guess so.” Cady felt oddly off balance, though he hadn’t moved any closer to her even after she pulled away. What was she so jumpy about?
“You like this body?” Muscles bunched and flexed, drawing her eyes.
“It’s a nice body alright,” she admitted, and he leaned forward, capturing her gaze with his.
“You want me, don’t you?”
It was so over the top, such an attempt at “bedroom eyes” that it had the opposite of its intended effect. “God, what a line,” she laughed. “You ought to be careful, if your head swells any bigger you’ll fall over.”
His brows drew together into a single line. “I don’t understand it. How can you resist my charms?”
“Hey, don’t take it personally,” she sobered. “It’s not that I don’t find you all kinds of sexy. Maybe if I wasn’t so...”
“So what?” He leaned forward eagerly, hanging on her every word, but she didn’t have the words to explain why she couldn’t let go.
“I don’t know. Like I said, this is a weird dream. I can’t usually tell I’m dreaming when I’m in the middle of one.”
“Then if I were to sweep you off your feet?”
His hopeful expression made her laugh, the vulnerability there relaxing her. “I don’t know, maybe. But, fun and games aside, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not into sex without love. I’ve seen what it does to people up close and personal. It’s not for me.”
“Love?” he blinked, as if she’d said a foreign word.
“Yeah, you know -- love is all you need, love makes the world go around, love is the answer -- all that good stuff.”
“I don’t see what one has to do with the other.”
“Hence, another reason why we’re not going at it right now.” She nudged his shoulder with her elbow.
He fell silent for a few minutes, processing that, or possibly thinking about baseball, it was impossible to tell. The sky above darkened as clouds gathered, and Cady frowned, the sun returning after a few seconds of concentration. When he spoke again, it startled her, she’d been so intent on her task. “Tell me about love.”
“Tell you about love?” She let out a long breath. “Where do I begin? Love is… all encompassing. You feel it not just with your heart, but all the way down to your toes. It’s dizzying and electric, exciting… there’s nothing else like it.” Cady paused for a breath, gratified to find him hanging on her every word. “You can’t think, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t do anything without wanting to be near the one you love. You’d do anything for that person, no matter what it costs you.”
“Sounds unpleasant.”
The disgruntled expression on his face made her laugh. “It can be, but mostly it’s the closest we come to magic.”
“It sounds so… vulnerable.”
“Sometimes, but that’s what makes us human, right? Besides, if you’re lucky, that other person loves you right back, and then it’s all worth it.”
“And what if they don’t love you back?”
Her thoughts turned to Ethan and the sting of his rejection. Was that love? It was too fleeting, she barely knew him. But there was something, or at least the potential for something.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said softly, when she didn’t reply.
“It’s fine. Caring about someone and not having them care about you does suck. It can be really lonely.”
“I know about loneliness.”
“You do?” It struck her that he had a lot of idiosyncrasies for a dream lover.
“I do. I’ve always been apart. I know what obsession tastes like, but not love.”
A curious way of putting it. “Well, hang in there, maybe someday you’ll find it.”
“Could you love me?”
The question caught her off guard. “I… this isn’t real, this is only a dream.”
“All dreams have a seed of reality to them. Were I to come to you in the world, would you love me then?”
“I don’t know, you seem very nice. But I guess I’d have to get to know you better.” God, what a weird dream.
“Know you better than this?” he doubted, head tilting to one side. “I already know all I need to.”
“You know, love at first sight doesn’t really happen,” she laughed. “I don’t know anything about you. Where you’re from, what your name is, what kind of beer you like to drink, if you have brothers and sisters.”
“All that is necessary for love?”
“Not all of it, I guess, but it helps.”
He fell into silence again, and Cady turned her attention to the kids playing in the park.
“Who do you wait for?” he asked after a while.
“What? Who says I’m waiting for anyone?”
“You come here and sit. Last time there was food, but you didn’t eat. What are you waiting for?”
“I… don’t know, I like this park. I used to come here as a kid with my brother and my father.”
“And the food?”
“It’s a picnic. Or it was supposed to be.” She shook her head. “It’s stupid.”
“Tell me.” His voice was gentle as he touched her chin, drawing her gaze to his, and Cady found herself unable to look away.
“We were supposed to meet for a picnic. I packed a huge amount of food, but you should have seen how much Ian and my dad could put away. Anyway, Ian was here, but definitely more interested in a blonde nanny by the playground than hanging out with me. I didn’t care though, it was a gorgeous sunny day, and I found a nice shady spot under that tree,” Cady pointed.
“I waited and waited, fending off attacks from ants and yellow jackets, but Daddy didn’t come. Eventually I fell asleep, I guess. Finally, Ian remembered me and woke me up, helped me pack things up to go home. We weren’t that worried, because he had to work crazy hours all the time, being a cop. But he didn’t come home that night either, and he didn’t answer his phone.
The next morning we had a visit from the Captain. He’d been shot and killed the night before.” It didn’t hurt to say the words anymore, nearly ten years had passed, but they still made her sad, reflective.
“Why would you wish to return here?”
“That was the last afternoon I had where I hoped to see him again. Sometimes, he comes back, in my dreams. We sit and talk, eat the food I brought. He calls me Cady-bear and yells at Ian to stop sniffing after that girl and come join the party. That’s why I still come here.”
“Doesn’t it bother you that it isn’t really your father?”
“I don’t know, most of the time I’m not conscious of the fact that I’m dreaming, I’m not analyzing it as I go. Mostly I just find it comforting. Besides, maybe it is him, in a way, coming to me in my dreams.”
“No, he isn’t here. He’s moved on.”
“You sound pretty sure of yourself.”
“I am, I would have felt him lingering,” he said with absolute conviction.
“Um… okay,” she replied, not sure what to say to that.
“I could comfort you,” he offered out of the blue, and she smiled, patting his hand.
“You already are, in a way.”
“I could make you feel much, much better.” His fingers turned her hand over, lightly tracing the lines that crossed her palm.
“I told you, I don’t um…” It was hard to form words when his fingers grazed up the inside of her wrist, circling the butterfly tattoo before continuing up towards her elbow.
“But as you say, this is only a dream.”
“That’s true…”
“So where is the har
m?” He smiled that crooked smile, devoid of the smarmy come on, and she found it particularly difficult to resist.
“I, um…” Cady licked her lips, trying to find the right words. What were her objections again?
“Do you accept me?” He closed the distance between them, eyes focused on her lips, and this time Cady didn’t move away. She let him kiss her, his lips surprisingly full and soft. If he’d pressed for more she might have shied away, but he seemed content to continue the slow, drugging kiss. Fingers brushed across the curve of her neck, following the collar of her shirt, and electricity danced across her skin in their wake. “Do you accept me?” he whispered against her lips, and Cady made a sound, something between a yes and a no. She hardly knew what she wanted anymore.
It was a dream, where was the harm?
“Do you accept me?” His voice reverberated through her mind, though his lips were busy.
“Yes.”
Chapter Sixteen
The kiss shifted, gentle exploration giving way to urgency, hunger building between them. His hands, no longer content to brush over her clothes, delved deeper, seeking bare skin, kneading, grasping. It was as if he touched her everywhere at once, and giving in to her dormant needs, Cady slid her hands up under his shirt. His body was rock-hard and masculine, the ridges of muscle under her fingertips bunching and shifting under her touch.
In a blur of movement he had her pressed back into the fragrant grass, the blades tickling her bare skin. His expert touch distracted her from everything but living in the moment, but in the corner of her mind Cady was dimly aware that something felt wrong. It was all moving too quickly. Her heart beat too fast, her mind clouded and dizzy as she wrenched her lips from his.
“Stop,” she gasped, but he fell to kissing along the underside of her jaw, undeterred.
“You want me, I can feel it.”
“I didn’t want…” Unable to articulate the sudden fear that gripped her despite the pleasant sensations he still wrung from her body, she turned away from his kiss. “It’s too much. I can’t breathe.”
“Let me love you, Cady. I want to know.”
“Know what?” He kept up his tender assault, lips questing, fingers coaxing, the world spinning and spinning until she felt him pressing against her thigh and panic surged again. “I said stop!” She shoved against his chest and he went sprawling, landing in a heap several feet away. Tugging her clothes back to rights, she darted a look at him, surprised to see him unmoving. “Are you okay?”
He made no move to cover himself, lying back against the grass, one knee crossed over the other. “I don’t understand,” he said dully, staring up at the sky. “You were enjoying it. I didn’t force you.”
“I know, I was,” she admitted, taking a deep, steadying breath. Even now, her heart still raced like a thoroughbred. “I don’t know what happened, I felt like… like I couldn’t catch my breath. Like… I might die if we didn’t stop.”
“I’m sorry.” He rolled toward her, features twisted with regret and possibly a bit of fear. “I lost control, I didn’t mean to take so much.”
“For what? It’s not your fault, really. It’s me, I’m all screwed up inside. I can’t even enjoy a freaking dream,” she laughed, falling back to stare at the branches overhead. Trust her to get a panic attack the first time a hot guy showed up in her dreams.
“It doesn’t have to be a dream. You have only to call and I will come.”
Cady turned her head to find him staring at her intently. “What are you talking about?”
“Wake and call my name. I will find you.”
“I don’t even know your name.” That was a sobering thought. Did he even have a name?
“Yes, you do,” he smiled. “If you listen well enough, you’ll hear it.”
And then she was alone, lying on the grass. Cady listened, straining to hear his name as promised. “What’s your name?” A sound teased the edge of her senses, but it was too wispy, snatched away by the breeze before it reached her ears. “What’s your name?” she called out again.
Jolted awake, Cady fell back against the pillow, feeling more tired than when she’d gone to bed. She lay there thinking about the incredibly vivid dream and her strange would-be lover. There was a heavy ache between her legs, frustration lingering after the abrupt ending to the promise of delights. Returned to reality, she could give herself a mental kick for stopping him from finishing what they’d started. What was the harm in a little fantasy? It wasn’t like sleeping around with real guys.
Dragging, she took a slow, lingering shower, the dream gradually slipping away and images of another tattooed man sliding into her waking thoughts. Was that why she’d dreamed of a man pursuing her so relentlessly? To counter the sting of Ethan’s rejection? Woodenly, she went through the motions of the day, hoping to run into him in the hallway, or the elevator, but he’d gone back to whatever it was he did to pursue his investigation.
Days went by with no sign that Ethan even still lived next door, and for all she knew he’d moved away. She fell into a lazy rhythm of work, and sleep, lacking the energy for much else. More of a rut, really; she resisted any attempts from friends or her brother to do more than roll into bed after work.
The dreams came every night, strangely lucid dreams that she recalled with perfect clarity upon waking. The details varied, but he was always there, her dream lover, or wannabe lover, at any rate. After the first dream he stopped trying to seduce, content to let her set the scene, eager to talk to her, and get to know her. In the construct of the dreams they took walks in the park, along the shore, once he took her to the top of Coit Tower to see the city sprawling below.
He brought her gifts at first, but when she failed to gush over the sparkling jewelry, he worked harder at tempting her. A single rich truffle, a bracelet of tumbled rose quartz, coffee that tasted of cinnamon and spices, a single flower. There was always a tender kiss before he left her and the sense that he was tightly restrained. With a single word, she could unleash the dizzying passion she’d felt before, but something kept her from uttering it.
After all their talks, she still knew precious little about him, even his name continued to elude her. But she enjoyed his mixture of world weary charm and unexpected wonder when she showed him the simplest of things, like the joy of peanut butter and chocolate.
It became so that she preferred the dream world to her own, and that scared her when she stopped to think about it. That and the way she shuffled through life, dull and listless, only feeling truly alive when he was by her side. Something about it made her mistrust the dreams, convincing her that it wasn’t normal. She had to break the cycle.
Instead of lingering for as long as possible, she set her alarm for noon, determined to do something with the Saturday afternoon. Penny was happy to hear from her and readily agreed to meet at the movies. Sadly, a willing spirit was no match for her exhausted body, and halfway through the movie, Cady dozed in the cool, dark theater.
This time there was no dream lover waiting in the wings, and she dreamed of sailing a small boat across glassy water, in pursuit of a small, dark shape that never grew any bigger. Despite not getting closer to her quarry, Cady felt no frustration, enjoying the fresh tang of the air and the open sea.
Penny looked a little worried when she finally shook her awake, the tail end of the movie credits scrolling across the big screen. Mumbling an apology, Cady stretched her back first one way and the other, feeling much more vigorous even after such a relatively short rest.
“Geez, if you were so tired we could have done the movie another time.”
“I’m sorry, Pen. I seem to be tired all the time lately.”
“Maybe you should go to the doctor? Maybe you have mono or narcolepsy or something.”
“Maybe I should go to a shrink,” Cady sighed, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “I keep having these weird dreams.”
“Oh, I love hearing about people’s dreams.” Penny’s dark eyes sparkled with enthusi
asm. “Tell me all about them, maybe we can figure out what they mean. Are they nightmares?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that, not exactly.” Cady led her out of the theater and into the heat of the afternoon, walking towards the park without thinking about it. Of course it wasn’t the park, that was in a different part of town in her old neighborhood, too far to easily walk to. As they strolled, she told Penny about the gifts, the long walks on the beach, glossing over the more intimate details of the first dream.
“What’s so bad about that?” Penny blinked when she was finished.
“Nothing, I guess. But I’ve been so tired lately, and it’s kind of weird, me dreaming about the same guy every night, don’t you think? Almost like I’m dating him in my mind.”
“No, it makes perfect sense. Your subconscious keeps throwing a variation of the same set of circumstances at you, waiting for you to get some relief.”
“So, you’re saying I should sleep with him in the dream and then it’ll all go away?” Cady laughed. She expected an answer like that from Kelli, but it surprised her to hear it from the usually reserved Penny.
“I’m saying it’s only a dream. Why not go for it? It’s not like you’re getting any in real life, are you?”
“Well, no… but…” Cady felt like she hadn’t done a good job at explaining the unreasoning terror she’d felt the one time she’d let him start to get close. “Penny, I can’t help feeling like… if I give up my control and give in to him, I’ll lose something.”
“What could you possibly lose?”
“I can’t explain it. I just know that the one time I accepted him I felt…” Cady froze as she caught a familiar reflection in the window. Was that…?
“Felt what?” Penny prompted, oblivious to the discovery.
It was Ethan. Now that she knew what to look for, it was easy to spot him loitering across the street, looking off in another direction. Was he following them? Only one way to find out… “Hey, let’s go to that Chinese place around the corner.”
“I don’t want anything spicy, it’s too hot out,” Penny complained, but Cady grabbed hold of her arm and dragged her down the street anyway.
