I feel like an idiot, a very, very frustrated idiot. Falling to the side of Annabelle, I grab her hand and squeeze it tightly. “I’ve never needed to buy condoms before either, so we’re even.”
A short, awkward moment passes before we both start laughing, our voices strained. Right now, I would give anything to have not stopped, but part of me feels just a little bit of relief. I pull Annabelle into a hug and kiss her forehead. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“Sorry for what?” She smiles up at me, still flushed.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. For not being better prepared. For not talking about this before now. For not even thinking to ask you what your thoughts on sex were. I’m not even sure. I just feel like I need to apologize for something.”
Annabelle snuggles closer, which really does nothing for my severely weakened self-control, but I tighten my grip on her anyway. Her voice is soft, and just a little shaky, when she speaks. “Zander, neither of us were prepared. I mean, I guess we should have thought we might get to this point eventually, but I really had no idea when that would be. I was kind of… scared we never would.”
“You were?” I ask as I look down at her seriously. “Why?”
She presses her lips together as if she’s not sure she should say what she’s thinking. Finally, she sighs and says, “I guess I’m just not sure what kind of relationship you want with me sometimes, Zander. I know you care about me a lot, and I think you even love me, but I don’t know if it’s like a close friend or more than that, or if you see this going anywhere in the future. I get that we’re kind of all each other has for the time being, and I don’t expect that to always be true. We need each other right now because of this mess with David and Isolde. Someday, you won’t need me anymore, and I don’t know if you feel strongly enough about me to still want to be with me when you don’t.”
Startled by her admission, I sit up slowly. When she doesn’t follow me, I pull her up to sitting, so I can look at her and know she hears me. “Annabelle, I do need you, but not because of the Eroi or Godlings. I need you because you are the only person I have ever met that makes me feel like I’m not a monster. You make me feel like a whole person, like it’s okay to be this messed up, broken creature, because maybe one day I won’t be so damaged. I need you because you give me peace and make me laugh and teach me how to be a better person, and because you are sexy as hell and I love being around you.” I smile when she laughs at that last part, her reddened face making her even more beautiful. Swallowing all my fears, I say, “Annabelle, I need you because I love you, and I will never stop needing you in my life.”
Tears begin streaming down Annabelle’s face. “You really love me?”
“Of course I do, Annabelle, and I’m sorry I didn’t say it before now. I was scared of losing you, of hurting you, and I know it’s stupid, but saying it out loud scares me to death because sometimes, I feel like as soon as I admit something good in my life, it’s taken away.”
My head falls as all those familiar fears wash over me. I could never hurt Annabelle willingly. What happened with Lisa… it will torture me for the rest of my life, but I’ve learned so much more control since then, and Annabelle is a Godling. Everything that happened with Ivy, that’s not even a possibility with Annabelle. Even still, I’m terrified of losing her.
“Zander,” Annabelle says as she pushes my chin up to make me look at her, “no one is ever going to take me away from you.” She smiles and kisses me softly. “And to answer your earlier questions, it’s okay that we hadn’t talked about this before now. We’re talking about it now. I wanted you, a lot, but you were right to stop.”
“I didn’t want to stop, Annabelle, but it scares me to think of what could happen.”
Annabelle’s expression softens. “What do you mean? Zander, you won’t hurt me.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “If you got pregnant…” My words trail off as I think about Emily and Joshua struggling all alone. I haven’t told Annabelle about them yet, because Oscar made me promise not to, but I know I could never leave her in a situation like that.
“You don’t want to have kids?” Annabelle asks softly, sad understanding in her voice.
Her words snap my head back up. She tries to hide the disappointment in her expression, but I can see it too clearly. “What? No. That’s not what I meant, Annabelle. This isn’t about having kids. It’s about something happening to me, which is all too real of a possibility, and you being left alone. I would hate myself for putting you in that kind of position.”
“So, you do want kids?” she asks.
Laughing, I pull her into a hug. “To be honest, I hadn’t put that much thought into it until recently, but with you… yes.”
She doesn’t say anything, but the way her arms wrap around me shows her pleasure more than words. Knowing how alone she has felt since being abandoned by her parents, it makes me happy to know she wants to create something better… with me. For a long moment, I simply bask in the idea, but all too soon, reality catches back up.
“Annabelle,” I say quietly, “our future together, it can’t happen unless we find a way to free ourselves from the Godlings and the Eroi. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but last night, it wasn’t enough.”
“I know,” she says softly.
I pull her against my chest more tightly. “I don’t know if it was because I can’t bring myself to hurt you enough to soak up the amount of energy I need, or if I’m not using my hunger the same way I did against James, but we have to try something else. Van’s text said she was fine, but I know she isn’t. She really won’t be fine if she goes up against David, win or lose. I need a different approach.”
For a long moment, Annabelle is quiet. I know by the way she sighs that she doesn’t want to say what she’s thinking, but she does it anyway. “You need her, don’t you?”
My answering nod is slow and reluctant. “I don’t understand how she holds so much pain, but I’m almost positive just being near her would feed my hunger enough to let me replicate what I did to James.” I hold my breath, waiting for her response.
Her fingers twist a lock of her hair nervously. “I’ve been thinking the same thing,” she says quietly. She turns to look up at me, and I hate the anguish in her eyes, but we both know I have no choice. Annabelle closes her eyes and says, “Call her.”
***
Standing in the abandoned baseball diamond where David first began to train us, I feel sick. Anticipation to test out a theory I’ve been harboring for a while has me buzzing. Dread at having to be near Ivy again without Annabelle there to buffer her affect is twisting my insides into a knot. Van said they’d be back late, so I feel reasonably sure David won’t pop out of the bushes and find us, but Isolde is a different matter altogether.
The night Ivy showed up at my house, she had been sent out by Isolde to scout the area for Godlings. Getting away from her icy overlord is not easy. Sneaking out on a Sunday morning is even riskier. I’m not sure how Ivy planned to manage it, but she promised to meet me here. My feet shift anxiously as I wait.
My senses heightened by my nerves and hunger, the subtle sound of legs brushing up against tumbleweeds spins me around. She’s still too far away to really draw my hunger, but she is standing still, staring at me with trepidation. “I’m not going to hurt you, Ivy.”
“I know,” she says, “but that doesn’t change the fact that this scares me.”
“What scares you?” She claims she believes me that I’m not trying to ambush her, but she’s clearly agitated despite agreeing to come.
Dropping her eyes, Ivy shakes her head. “I’m not sure exactly.” She looks back up at me. “What you said when you called, about me being able to help you create the weapon… I just don’t know if that’s a good thing, Zander. The more powerful you become, the more David will want to control you.”
“I know, but what other choice do I have? I’m running out of time.”
Ivy’s face creases with worry. “When is
David planning to start in on this new training?”
“He and Van will be back tonight.” I leave it at that. There’s no way I can tell her about Van’s plans, or mine. She’s spooked enough already by the idea of what David might subject me to.
Hugging herself, though it isn’t cold, Ivy stares at me. “What do you need me to do?”
“You’ll help then?”
“I said I would,” Ivy replies. “I think this is dangerous, but I know you don’t have many options left.”
Despite the fact that I’m terrified this will blow up in my face—possibly literally—I sigh in relief. “Thank you, Ivy.”
“Don’t thank me,” she says quickly. “I don’t deserve it after what I did to you. I know I’ll never be able to pay for putting you and your family through that, but I’ll try for as long as I have left.”
A pang of sorrow hits me at the reminder that Ivy is running out of time as well. The rest of her words also have an effect. “Ivy, you thought you were doing what was right. I understand that now. You …”
“No,” Ivy pleads, “that was just an excuse. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t right. I just wanted to believe it so badly, believe I was saving you, that we’d both be saved. I wanted the pain to stop, even if it meant dying, and I was selfish enough to take you down with me. Don’t thank me, Zander. Don’t ever thank me.”
Taking a slow step forward, I brace myself against the pain I come in contact with. She holds up a hand with tears in her eyes, begging me to stop. I shake my head and take another step. “Ivy, listen to me, okay?” I pause, waiting for her to focus and nod. “When we first met, I thought I was in love with you, but it was more of an addiction than anything else. I hated you for a long time, but there was so much both of us didn’t understand back then. I can’t imagine what the Eroi put you through, but I know you’re not the same person from when we first met. Neither am I. I didn’t think I’d ever let go of my hatred for you, but I need you to understand that I don’t feel like that anymore. I’ve forgiven you.”
Her head starts shaking back and forth. Stepping closer, I stir my hunger even more. I need her to understand this. She can’t go into this deal out of guilt. I need her to be levelheaded and strong. I’m not lying, either. Annabelle was a huge part of helping me put aside my anger at Ivy and making me understand what real love is. All I feel now when I look at Ivy is sadness. I know I will never be able to fully comprehend what the Eroi did to her, but I know it never should have happened.
Ivy is trembling when I finally manage to approach her. I’m not fairing much better, but for a different reason. My hunger is raging. It wants her more desperately than it has ever wanted any other source of pain. She is somehow richer, sweeter, than anything else it has ever tasted. I don’t know why. Figuring out what makes her so different hasn’t been as important as figuring out how to use my power, but I know it’s crucial in some way.
“Ivy, I think you were right when you said we were meant for each other, but not in a romantic sense.” I try to reach toward her, but the fear in her eyes stops me just as much as the agony that rips through me. “We need each other. You know that. I can take the pain away.”
“But only to use it as a weapon,” Ivy whispers.
“I don’t know what else to do with it!” I snap. “If there was a peaceful way to end a war that’s been raging for centuries, I would do it! Killing David is what I can do, Ivy. It’s all I can do! Don’t you get that?”
Her already pale skin blanches white. “That’s what you’re planning? Zander, it’s suicide.”
“Not if you help me. Not if I can turn my hunger into a weapon and use it on him.” I risk losing control of my hunger and grab her wrist. Yanking her next to me, I refuse to let her go. “I can do this, Ivy, but I need your help. Let me take the pain away.”
“I’m not doing this for myself,” Ivy argues. She struggles, but the effect of me touching her is weakening her resolve. “I don’t deserve to have the pain taken away, Zander. I’m only here to help you, but I’m scared this will only lead you to your death.”
Yanking her even closer, my entire body shudders as she crashes into my chest. I am right in her face as I say, “You do deserve to have the pain taken away. We all do! If everything weren’t so messed up, we would have grown up as friends, not enemies. Maybe if the Eroi and Godlings hadn’t screwed everything up, we could have loved each other for real and been happy. I can fix this, Ivy. I can fix all of it if you’ll just let me take the pain away.”
“Killing David won’t be the end,” Ivy whispers. Her whole body is shaking as she tries to fight against me. The dulling of the pain that has eaten away at her soul for seventeen years is agony to resist, but she doesn’t want to give in if it means hurting me. I know she means it, and it kills me to use it against her when it’s very likely she’s right, but I know exactly what to say.
“Ivy, do you remember what you told Annabelle that night?”
She shakes her head, tears pouring down her cheeks.
“You told Annabelle that I would want you to stop me before I turned into someone like David or Isolde. Do you remember that?” I pause again, stomping on my hunger, begging it to hold out a little longer. Finally, Ivy nods, though she is still crying. “That’s what you’re doing right now. If I don’t stop David, he’ll turn Van and me into his pets. He’ll control us. You know I don’t want that. You can help me stop that from happening, Ivy.”
Trying to stop her tears, Ivy gasps in a deep breath. “What if it doesn’t work?”
“It will. I won’t fail my family. I won’t fail Annabelle. I won’t fail you.”
She sobs again, but her expression begins to gain strength. Her struggling stops, and her arms fall slowly to her sides. Part of her is still terrified just like I am, but she stands up as tall as she can. “I won’t fail you either, Zander.”
Giving up the last of her resistance, Ivy closes her eyes. I could have fed off her without her permission, but I needed her to agree, to willingly help me in this. It’s not just because I can’t risk her running back to Isolde. This mission may lead me to my death, but I don’t want that to be one more thing she carries around on her shoulders. She is saving me, one way or the other. It’s what she wanted from the beginning. This time, she’s doing it the right way.
Gently, I press both of my hands to her face. The strength it takes not to crush her under my grip and my hunger is tremendous, but just like before, when I look at the expression of complete, soul-deep peace, I know this is what I was meant to do. My hunger burns through me, but it doesn’t destroy. It scours her inside and out, lapping up the accumulated pain of a lifetime, of a thousand lifetimes. The agony of being near her lessens the more I draw on her pain. I don’t pretend to understand it, but I pull in its sweet taste like I have been drowning my entire life.
Only the buckling of Ivy’s knees breaks me away from her. I scramble to help her sit down, but the second I stop feeding off her, the pressure of having so much hunger-born power inside me threatens to break me. I stumble away from her, gasping, fearing I’ve just killed us both. The desire for more, to use what I already have, is overpowering. Pressing my hand to my head does nothing to contain the lethal heat building inside of me. I fall to my knees, realizing I have no idea what to do.
My mind races back to the fight with James. I was desperate, out of options, terrified that I was about to die. I try to remember, but I scream in pain, doubling over, barely able to think. Images flash through my mind. They’re all that’s left of coherent thought, and each one is like a dagger slicing into my flesh. I have to remember. I see Van, David’s hand around her neck as he pushes a rifle into her hands. She refuses to take it, so he beats her with it again and again. Annabelle being dragged through the compound by her hair. Oscar on his knees, David standing over him as Emily and Joshua are forced to watch him die.
Every flicker rips away another piece of me. Nearly mad with desperation, I grab hold of my hunger, twisting it t
o my will, forcing the energy it created into my hands until I can’t contain another drop. My rage against everything and everyone involved in this war bursts out of me in a blinding, deafening blast.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Emptiness
(Vanessa)
I vaguely remember waking up on the floor hours ago and sending a text to Ketchup and Zander when I managed to crawl over to the nightstand. I must have rolled into bed after that and conked out again. Staring up at the plain ceiling, I try very hard not to think. At all. I know the second I do, last night will come crashing back into my mind to flatten me again. I can’t go back to that oblivion.
Something is prickling in the back of my mind… something from last night… something important, but I can’t remember. I refuse to remember. Remembering will bring back the emptiness. It keeps poking at me, though, relentless in its need to be acknowledged. Squeezing my eyes shut, I bury my face in the pillow that, weirdly enough, smells faintly of lavender. The momentary distraction of the unlikely fragrance evaporates all too soon and the pecking begins all over again.
I start to roll over, aiming for taking a shower, but a strange crinkling noise freezes me. The sound hovers around me. It’s a reminder, a clue, of what I need to remember. I hold still, hoping that if I don’t move, don’t hear the noise again, I can forget about it, go about my day without bringing it all back. The breath I’m holding sticks in my lungs. The ache it produces screams at me to breathe. I hold out as long as I can, desperate, but when my chest finally expands, the noise comes again, sounding like a train barreling through the room to my wary ears.
Papers. I remember grabbing the papers off the desk. Shaking my head, I try to banish the thoughts, but they cling to me like those stickers that get stuck in your socks when you walk through desert brush. There was something about them. They caught my eye, slowed me down despite the fact that I needed to run. I barely even glanced at them under my foot, but whatever I saw out of the corner of my eye refused to let me leave them behind. I’d stopped, grabbed them, and…
Wicked Glory Page 23
