by Chloe Walsh
"Turn it on," he instructed.
Without hesitation, I reached over and turned on the tap.
"Fill that up," he ordered, toppling a pint glass off the draining board and into the basin of the sink.
Thankfully, it didn’t break and I hurried to fill the glass, resisting the urge to tuck and roll to break free from his grip.
"See this?" he hissed as he dropped my phone into the water. "See it, girl?"
Motionless, I nodded, watching my phone sink to the bottom of the pint glass.
"If I find out you're lying to me, it won't be your phone I'll be drowning," he growled, digging his fingers so hard into my shoulder that my back bowed without my brain's permission. "Do ya hear me?"
"I hear you," I whimpered, shaking from head to toe.
"Don’t you go running to your brother with stories, either," he hissed in my ear. Shoving me away, he added, "Or I'll fuck you both on the streets."
I wish you would, I just about stopped myself from saying.
Because what would happen to Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean if we were gone?
Tadhg was next in line to me, therefore he would take the brunt of my father's wrath.
That concept was abhorrent to me.
Reaching up, I rubbed my cheek and forced myself to not cry.
He gave me one final look before shaking his head. "Go on – get out of my sight."
Without another word, I hurried out of room with tears stinging my eyes.
I hate you! I silent-screamed as I made the familiar run to my room, I fucking hate you!
Racing up to my room, I made a conscious decision to tip-toe past Joey's room, forcing myself not to make a sound, and then quickly locked myself inside my bedroom.
Flicking off my bedroom light, I scrambled into my bed, threw the covers over my head, and grabbed my discman.
Less than two minutes later, there was a soft knock on my bedroom door.
"Shan?" Joey's voice came from the other side of the frame. "Everything alright?"
I debated not answering him, but decided against it, knowing that he would automatically jump to the right conclusion and all hell would break loose.
He'd only just come back from Aoife's tonight.
I didn’t want him to go again.
So instead, I called back, "I'm fine, Joe. Just tired."
There was a long pause before he spoke again. "You sure?"
"Yeah," I croaked out, pressing my fingers to my bottom lip so it didn’t wobble and my voice didn’t tremble.
"You don’t sound fine," my brother replied.
Dammit.
Clearing my throat, I added, "I'm having female issues."
"Female issues?" he called back, sounding confused.
"I'm on my period."
"For fuck's sake, I really didn’t need to know that, Shan," Joey groaned, and I imagined him shuddering on the other side of the door.
A few moments later, the sound of his bedroom door clicking shut filled my ears.
Releasing a ragged breath, I batted away the hot tears burning my cheeks.
One of these days, I was going to get out of this house.
And when I did, I was never going to come back.
It was with that thought, that tiny slither of hope, and Johnny's mix CD playing in my ears, that I drifted off to a fitful sleep.
53
Sticky gifts
Johnny
From the age of six, I had been focused solely on rugby.
I believed in myself and my abilities.
There was something inside of me that sparked to life, an almost dancing sensation fluttering over my skin, when I had the ball in my hands.
I knew I was going to The Academy, and when I got there I wasn’t one bit surprised.
I was that sure of my future.
I refused to accept any other route in life.
A career in professional rugby was my goal, my purpose, my fucking fate, and I was grabbing it with both hands.
I wasn’t impulsive.
I was steady.
Goal orientated.
Driven.
Determined.
I was probably a lot of other negative traits, too, but I only focused on my strengths.
The only weaknesses I was interested in learning about were those that affected my game.
Once discovered, I worked like a madman to correct myself.
I was a fairly decisive person.
I didn’t fuck about with second guessing my decisions or any of that shite.
I made a decision and I stuck to it.
Like when I was six and decided I would make a career out of my passion.
Sorted.
Or when I decided a degree in Business was the perfect fall back for me.
Simple.
I made a choice and I stuck to it.
I had to be really fucking careful with my choices because once I made a decision, once I set my mind on something, or worse, my heart, it was in my nature to follow it through with an obsessive hunger.
No going back, no second guessing, and no changing my mind.
My personality more than likely had a lot to do with my hesitance.
I didn’t connect with people for the sheer sake of it – and never girls.
I was well aware that I possessed an obsessive personality.
It was the reason I was in my position so early on in my career.
Knowing this only made my current predicament even more depressing.
In a matter of months, I'd lost my head to a fucking girl.
And my heart?
Fuck me, the piece of stone worked after all, and had thrown me a curveball by attaching itself to a scrawny little third year with brown pigtails and blue eyes that fucking scorched my soul.
I needed to be really fucking careful with my next move, because once I decided that she was the girl for me, that would be that.
Once I committed myself, once my heart laid claim on her, I might as well slap a label on my forehead stating I'm yours, please be gentle with me because I'm here to stay.
The scariest part of it all was knowing that I was holding myself back by the skin of my teeth, with the plunge looking more appealing every time I laid eyes on her.
"What are you doing?" Gibsie asked when he sauntered into my bedroom without knocking late Tuesday night, thankfully giving me a distraction from my thoughts.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Dropping my pen on my desk, I turned in my swivel chair and stared at him. "Homework."
It wasn’t uncommon for Gibsie to arrive at my house at any time of the day or night.
I was just glad that he didn’t have the fucking cat with him this time.
It was more than a possibility with him.
"Lad, you're such a swat." Gibsie tossed his school bag next to my desk and then threw himself down on my bed, folding his arms behind his head. "Did you get a text off Coach?"
"I did indeed," I replied, finishing off a trigonometry problem I had been in the middle of solving when he barged in. "Let's hope he manages to rope someone other than Mrs. Moore to help chaperone this time."
Gibsie shuddered. "That woman is batshit."
"Yes, she is," I agreed.
Coach had sent a group text about an hour ago, letting us know that Royce had finally agreed to play us.
This Friday.
In Dublin.
On their school grounds.
On the condition that I didn’t play.
I smirked to myself, happy that I had such an effect on these coaches.
"Dublin scumbags," Gibsie grumbled then. "Making life awkward for everyone."
"Hello, asshole?" I balked. "I'm a Dublin scumbag!"
"Not you," he replied, looking sheepish.
"Whatever, ya culchie, muck-savage from the mountains," I grumbled as I scribbled down the answer to question B.
"You know that's not socially acceptable," Gibsie shot back. "Calling me a culchie."
"So's calling
me a Jackeen," I countered. "Yet, you do it daily."
"You are a Jackeen," he argued.
I rolled my eyes. "And you are a smelly fucking culchie from the back ass of nowhere."
"Fuck you, city boy."
"Fuck you right back, country boy."
"Capital Dick."
"Rebel Wank-stain."
Gibsie snickered. "How are we friends?"
"Been asking myself that for years, lad," I replied, gaze locked on my work. "It's one of life's greatest unsolved mysteries."
"I have homework," he announced then.
"I know," I replied, not missing a beat. "I love the way you not so subtlety dropped your bag at my desk."
"I can't do it," he groaned.
"No," I corrected calmly. "You can do it." Pulling out my calculator, I worked on the formula I needed and scribbled down my results. "You're just too fucking lazy."
"It's hard," he whined.
"Life is hard, Gibs," I stated. "Get your books out. I'm not doing it for you again."
"But you're so much better at it than me," he groaned.
"Says the fella who just called me a swat five minutes ago," I shot back.
"You know that's a compliment," he argued. "Come on, Johnny…"
"Fine, but I'm tired and I need to hit the pool before school in the morning, so I'm only doing one subject," I snapped, finishing up my own work. "Pick your poison."
"English," he told me with a nod. "I've an essay due in for tomorrow."
Exhaling a heavy sigh, I unzipped his bag and pulled out his English book.
"You know you're going to have to read the books before the exams next year?" I added. "All the homework in the world won't help you if you walk in there without studying."
Gibsie grinned. "I promise I'll get caught up over the Easter holidays, Dad."
"Don’t give me that Dad shite," I grumbled as I quickly ready through his assignment task. "You need to start putting your head down, Gibs," I added before getting stuck in. "We're breaking up from school on Friday, lad. You need to use those two weeks off to get caught up."
"I will," he grumbled.
"You better," I warned.
Gibsie let me work in silence for about twenty minutes, which was an all-time record for him, before breaking my concentration by asking, "Did you sort Bella out for that stunt she pulled at school?"
"Damn fucking straight, I did," I growled, instantly angry at the memory. "I sent her a text earlier to drive the message home."
"Was Shannon okay?" he asked. "What was said?"
"Nothing good," I muttered, finishing off a paragraph. "She wouldn’t tell me, lad, but you and I both know how poisonous it had to be if it came from Bella's mouth."
"Ugh," he groaned. "I don’t know how you ever touched her."
"Neither do I," I admitted with a shudder.
"By the way?" Gibsie mused, distracting me once more. "You bulldozed again."
I turned to glare at him. "I did not."
"Yeah, lad, you did," he chuckled. "I tried to stop you, after your 'save me, Gibsie, please save me from myself' spiel the other week, and you went right ahead and bulldozed in like a freight train."
"Well, what the hell was I supposed to do?" I bit out, tossing my pen away. "Just stand back and do nothing while Bella called her a slut in front of half the bleeding school because of me?"
"Bella called Shannon a slut?" Gibsie scoffed, fluffing a pillow. "She's one to talk."
"I know," I grumbled. "That's what I said."
"So, you disappeared out of school with Shannon and didn’t come back after lunch," he added, arching a brow. "Did you put her in your car again?"
"Maybe," I bit out.
"Did you do anything besides drop her home?"
"Like what?"
"I don’t know." He shrugged. "Invite yourself in for tea or some typical Johnny stunt like that?"
I dropped my head.
"Bulldozing," Gibsie laughed.
"Shut up," I muttered, pushing away from my desk.
I was done for the night.
Whatever concentration I had was long gone now.
"That's an A- right there," I told him, gesturing to his neatly written five-page essay. "Be fucking thankful."
"I am thankful," he assured me with a beaming smile before saying, "and I think you need to revisit the friend notion. I told you this morning and I'm telling you again, that it will never work."
"Nope." I shook my head. "You're wrong. I can do the friend thing."
"You clearly can't," Gibsie snickered. "Loverboy."
"I helped her today," I bit out, tensing. "That's what friends do for friends."
"By the way, Robbie Mac asked me if I could get her number off Claire for him during lunch," Gibsie stated in an impassive tone. Pulling himself up to rest on his elbows, he looked at me and added, "Said he'd love to take little Shannon to the cinema at the weekend."
"I hope you set that fucker straight!" I hissed. "Gibs, you better not have given that eejit her number."
He flopped back down on the bed and laughed. "I'm messing with you. Robbie's not suicidal. All the lads heard you loud and clear that day, Cap."
I glared at him. "That's not funny."
"It's hilarious," he snickered. "You're a lost cause to that girl." Grinning, he added, "Better get your cock and balls in working order, lad. No girl wants a broken dick."
"I'm not –" Pausing, I pinched the bridge of my nose and called on every ounce of patience inside of me before continuing, "I am not going there with her, and my cock and balls are my own damn business."
"I'm only looking out for you," Gibsie replied. "Oh, I almost forgot –" He shoved a hand into his jeans pocket and retrieved a travel sized bottle. "Here," he said, tossing the bottle across the room at me. "From my balls to yours."
I caught it mid-air and read the description on the bottle.
"Lube?" I barked. "Jesus, Gibs."
"Hey – don’t knock it until you try it," he scoffed. "I went to a huge fucking effort combing a dozen different chemists to get that for you." Waggling his brows, he added, "The pharmacist told me it's sensitive touch."
I stared at him. "It's half empty."
He shrugged. "I had to test it before I could recommend it to you."
I immediately dropped the bottle on my bedroom floor.
"You are fucking disgusting," I groaned, wiping my hands on my thighs. "Christ."
"Don’t be a prude," Gibsie chuckled. "It's perfectly normal."
"Lube is normal," I agreed. "You, on the other hand, are not."
"I don’t see what the problem is," he huffed. "I bought you a present. There's nothing weird about that. You should be thanking me for taking an interest in your life."
"Lad, you just bought my dick a present," I deadpanned. "It doesn’t get much weirder than that."
"Whatever, lad." He shrugged, unaffected. "I don’t care what anyone thinks."
"Yeah, Gibs," I replied. "I think we've established that."
"But do you know who will care?" he mused, grinning. "Your Shannon."
"She's not my Shannon," I barked.
"And she never will be if you don’t sort your fucking problem out!" he countered.
Jesus Christ…
"Nothing's changed," I said in as patient a tone as I could muster. "I can't, won't, and will never go there."
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
My best friend stared at me for a long moment before asking, "Are you sure about that, Johnny?"
Not even a little bit.
"Absolutely."
"Suit yourself," Gibsie shot back.
"Thank you."
"But just so you know?" he added, "She's always been your Shannon."
54
Concealer
Shannon
"Don’t ask," I warned when I found Claire standing outside the girls' bathrooms on Wednesday morning, with a horrified expression on her face.
Snaki
ng my arm through hers, I tugged her into the bathroom. "Just help me hide it."
"Shannon, I…I…" Claire shook her head and stared at me. "Shan –"
"Please," I snapped, dropping my bag on the bathroom floor and catching her hands. "Help me."
Tears filled her eyes.
"Don’t do that," I begged, squeezing her hands. "Just help."
She continued to stare at me for the longest moment with an almost trance-like expression before finally snapping out of it.
"Okay," she sniffled and then offered me a bright smile. "I have just the trick."
I exhaled a huge sigh of relief. "Thank you."
Twenty minutes later, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and hardly recognized myself.
"I had to go full smoky-eyed, glamor-puss on your face to match the shade of foundation I used to cover your…" Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat several times before adding, "Well, what do you think?"
"Whoa," I breathed, touching my red painted lips. "My lips are huge."
"Yes, they are," Claire agreed. “Women pay thousands of euros for lips like yours and you don’t even appreciate them."
"And my eyes." I shook my head and gaped at myself, fluttering my eyelashes admiringly. "Whoa, those are –"
"Gorgeous?" Claire offered, coming to stand beside me. "Because you are sickeningly gorgeous."
"It's the makeup," I assured her, embarrassed.
"It's the girl," Claire corrected as she slung an arm around my shoulder.
I flinched from the contact, still tender from my father's outburst, and Claire's face fell.
"Shannon, I can't keep –"
The bathroom door creaked open and Lizzie stepped into the bathroom, causing Claire to snap her mouth closed and me to sag in relief.
"Come on, girls," she said, waving a hand at us. "We're late for class."
Never in my life had I been more grateful to see her as I was in this moment.
"I'm going to kill that bitch," Lizzie hissed later that day during lunch.
Word had spread around school about the incident with Bella yesterday and my friend was peppering with anger.
"Seriously," Lizzie added, glaring at the table at the opposite side of the lunch hall that seated at least fifty students – one of whom being Bella Wilkinson.
