No, thats not necessary. That was the last thing Jake would want.
An older man plowed through the people. Im a doctor. Can I help? Is he having a seizure?
No, a panic attack, Emma said as quietly as she could but several people heard her, including her son. Joshs face went pale.
When the onlookers began to disperse, Josh stepped back but didnt leave.
Emma went back to Jake, not touching him but near if he needed her. Lets breathe deeply on my count. Inhale one, two. Exhale one, two. She continued until she reached the count of four.
Jakes stiff body began to relax. His awareness of his surroundings came back, and he scanned the area. His gaze latched on to Josh, then Marcella, who came up behind him.
Sheps here to help, Emma said to pull his attention from Josh. Everythings all right.
What was that sound? Jake finally asked.
Firecrackers. When he seemed calm, no longer shaking or sweating, she asked, Do you want to go to the ceremony?
His eyes widened. No. Home.
Fine. Let me tell Josh and Marcella. As she approached them, Jake struggled to his feet, still stroking the top of Sheps head.
What happened, Mom? Whats a panic attack?
Emma glanced at Jake to make sure he hadnt heard her son. He thought the firecrackers were a gun going off.
Hes like Uncle Ben?
Yes, hon. Marcella, will you make sure Josh connects with Craig and his parents?
I will. Come on, Josh. We dont want to miss the ceremony and your chance to get an autograph.
The boy peered back as he walked away, his brow knitted, uncertainty making him hesitate.
See you tomorrow at church, hon.
He knows about me? His voice bleak, Jake stood right behind her.
Yes. Lets go.
I want you to drop me off and then you can come back here. I know you wanted to do some shopping. I dont want this to stop you.
She didnt answer. She decided to give him some time and distance from the incident. But she wasnt dropping him off and leaving him alone. She loved him and wanted to be near if he needed help.
*
At his house, a familiar environment where firecrackers wouldnt send him into a panic, thinking he was back in Afghanistan being shot at, Jake finally released the last bit of tension gripping him. He turned in the foyer and spread his arms wide. See. Im fine. You can leave now.
No, Id rather stay with you.
But I dont want you to.
Hurt darkened Emmas blue eyes, and her shoulders sagged slightly. Because of what happened at the park? Ive seen panic attacks. What happened to you is nothing new. You had one. Its over. Move on.
Her tough, matter-of-fact words hit him as though shed slapped him. I tackled you to the ground. Arent you just a little embarrassed?
If that had been a real gun going off, you could have saved my life. You reacted to a noise that was similar. You have been trained to react quickly. Firecrackers arent supposed to go off in the city limits so it was an unexpected sound.
Quit trying to rationalize something that isnt rational.
Dont start feeling sorry for yourself. Youre improving, but that wont happen overnight. Ben still has some problems. Acknowledge the panic attacks, deal with them then let them go. Dont let them rule your life.
You dont know what youre talking about. You havent dealt with panic attacks.
No, but I lived with a husband who had epilepsy for most of our marriage. His seizures would happen unexpectedly, and we had to deal with them. We knew what to do, what not to do… Her voice disappeared as she gulped.
There was that look she got when talking about her husband. Regrets shed married a person with epilepsydeeply flawed the way he was? A seizure led to his death. What arent you telling me? Every time we start to talk about your husband, you put a distance between us. Ive told you about my relationship with my father, about my panic attacks.
She averted her gaze, staring into the living room. Her teeth bit into her lower lip. Her hands balled. My husband died because of me.
Hed expected her to say a lot of things but not that. He fell off a ladder. How are you responsible?
When she peered at him, sadness dulled her eyes. Josh and I were talking about decorating the outside of the house with lights the way wed decorated the inside. My husband overheard, and before I told him I was hiring the teenage boy next door to put them up, he was doing it. He shouldnt have been up that high, especially without someone there and with concrete below him.
And you blame yourself?
Yes. I knew that Sam thought he could do everything like a normal personthat he didnt have to keep in mind his seizure disorder. He hated that I had to drive him everywhere. I should never have said anything to Josh with my husband in the house.
Your husband is responsible for his own actions. He knew he shouldnt get up on a ladder like that. Youre not at fault. It was an accident.
I should have been able to protect him. He had epilepsy. I needed to be there for him.
Smothering him?
II didnt think so. I always looked at it as though we were in it together. She closed the space between them. I cant turn my back on someone I care about. Someone I love. She swallowed hard. Like you.
He wanted to pretend he hadnt heard what shed said, but he couldnt. He could never ask her to tie herself to a man who was damaged and needed fixing. What if he never got better? He thought he was, and then hed had a full-blown attack in publicfor Josh to see. Youre a caregiver. That isnt love. Go back to the ceremony. Enjoy yourself.
I dont want to leave. We need to deal with this together.
Why? So you can manage my life? I dont want that. I want to be cured. I want to be normal.
Whats normal for one isnt what is for another.
I should have known those were firecrackers. Ive heard them before. I used to set them off as a kid. I couldnt stop the panic attack. Please leave. He strode to the door and opened it. Thanks for bringing me home. He stared into space, avoiding meeting her eyes. He might give in and try to hold on to her when it wasnt fair to Emma to saddle her with another man like her husbandbroken.
*
Surrounded by all her Christmas decorations with the pine tree full of ornaments in front of the picture window in the living roomthe one Jake had helped her put upEmma paced while Abbey sat on the couch and watched her. I dont know what to do. Jake isnt answering the door or his phone. Last Sunday Josh and I left the Christmas tree we were going to decorate together on his porch. I know hes there because the trees gone. Its been four days since what happened Saturday night at the lighting of the Christmas tree ceremony. Hes gone back to being a hermit.
He did come to Monday nights session. We dont have our private one until tomorrow. I could go by today and see if hell talk to me.
Please try to get him to talk about Saturday night. He told me he wanted to be normal. He wouldnt believe me when I said normalcy is relative. I think he feels like hes beaten, may always be that way.
Ill try my best. The good news is he came on Monday night so he hasnt given up. Hes just frustrated.
Stopping her pacing, Emma intertwined her fingers, clasping them together until her knuckles whitened. I told him I loved him Saturday. He said what Im feeling isnt love. She connected visually with Abbey. I love him. His having PTSD doesnt change how I feel. Sams having epilepsy didnt change how I felt about him.
Give him time to get a grasp on what hes dealing with. Hes gone through a lot in the past eight months.
I know. I didnt set out to fall in love, and I didnt mean to say it to him, especially right
after a panic attack.
Im working with him on some techniques, but they will take time to become automatic and feel natural to him. What he said just came out.
Emmas eyes blurred with unshed tears. Shed cried for the past few nights, wishing they hadnt gone to the ceremony. But that panic attack in such a public place could have happened at another time. Not going wouldnt have necessarily changed the end result. I told him about feeling guilty concerning Sams death. Since she hadnt told anyone but Jake, she explained to Abbey.
Did he tell you it wasnt your fault?
Emma nodded.
Hes right. People are responsible for their own actions. You cant control everything. When Sam died, you felt your life do an about-face. Suddenly, you were going in a different directiona single mom with a debt to pay off. Dont put more burdens on yourself by feeling guilty. God has a wonderful way of forgiving anyone who repents and asks for forgiveness. If you need to, ask him to forgive you and then let it go. Give control over to the Lord. Hell take you on a wild and exciting ride. Abbey stood, rolling her shoulders.
Emma closed the space between them and hugged her. Thanks. I should have told you when Sam died how I was feeling, but I was afraid of what you would think of me.
The only thing you should care about is what God thinks of you. When you have Him in your corner, everything else falls into place.
Emma thought about what Abbey had said about guilt and control. She needed to let both of them go. Whether or not Jake wanted to continue one day in a relationship, she needed to say goodbye to the past.
*
Jake stared at the Christmas tree Emma and Josh had delivered on Sunday, bare of any decorations. A box of four ornamentshomemade by Emma and Joshsat next to the live pine, its scent permeating the room. They still were in the carton. He couldnt put them or the boxes of ornaments that were his grandmas on the branches.
When the doorbell rang, he considered ignoring whoever was there, but he couldnt keep doing that. Marcella had left him some cinnamon rolls yesterday, and the worried look on her face had almost made him answer the door.
When the chimes filled the air again, he rose and plodded toward the foyer. When he saw Abbey, he hesitated then realized this couldnt keep going on. He might not be able to have the type of relationship with Emma he wanted, but he had to get on with his life. Abbey could help him.
He let her in. Our next session isnt until tomorrow.
Yes, but I thought we could talk today, too. Except for the Monday night group, have you left this house since Saturday night?
No, but that was only four days ago. Not that unusual for me.
I would agree if we were talking about a month ago. Lets talk. Abbey marched into his living room and took a seat in a chair. I have some material for you. I would like you to read it today, and then well discuss it tomorrow. Its a method to help you overcome your panic attacks beyond what youre doing. Its reprogramming how you think about the attacks when they begin.
He sank down on the couch across from her, his gaze momentarily lingering on the Christmas tree behind Abbey.
You need to accept this will take time and thats okay. Youve come a long way in the past two months, and youll go further, but not overnight.
In other words, I shouldnt become a recluse because of what happened Saturday night in front of a crowd.
Exactly.
Have you seen Emma? He didnt want to ask but couldnt stop himself.
I saw her this morning before she left for work, and shes worried about you. You canceled the self-defense class for Tuesday. You arent answering her calls or the door. She gets ityou dont want to talk to her. But you didnt answer for Marcella or Sandy when they came by, either.
I made a fool of myself in front of so many people. In front of Josh.
He knows you have PTSD and understands. His uncle does, and he loves Ben. Emma talked to Josh on Sunday. To him it doesnt mean anything. You are his hero.
Im no ones hero.
Because you survived when some of your men didnt?
He nodded.
God has special plans for you, and you cant argue with the Lord. So what are you going to do about it?
He stared at the material shed placed on the coffee table. Ill start by reading this, then Ill meet with you tomorrow.
Abbey pushed to her feet. Then Ill leave you to get started.
After she was gone, he began reading what she had brought him. When he finished, he looked up and caught sight of the Christmas tree. He remembered what Emma said about seeing hers and feeling hope. He rose and went to the box with the four ornaments in it. He took each one out and put it on the pine.
*
The next day Jake faced the four boys in his workout room with Sandy off to the side. Shed brought them, and hed asked her to stay for a few minutes. He scanned the face of each one, and all he saw in their expressions was respectnothing different from before. His chest tightened.
He cleared his throat. Im sorry I canceled Tuesday afternoon, but after what happened Saturday, I had some thinking to do. I have panic attacks occasionally. In the case of Saturday night the sound of firecrackers going off caused me to react as though I was under fire. Im working to deal with my panic attacks, but itll take time. Ill understand if you dont want to continue with the self-defense classes.
Joshs face screwed up in a puzzled look. What does that have to do with our class?
Yeah, I want to keep learning, Craig said with the other guys nodding.
Sandy moved between the children and Jake. We have faith in you. These boys look forward to these classes. You have made them feel like they can handle anything. They feel better about themselves, not to mention you took care of the bullying.
The constriction in his chest eased as he swept his gaze from one child to the next. Sandy has it wrong. These guys have made me feel better about myself. Then lets get going. We have a lot to do today. First, lets stretch.
An hour later Jake realized how important these sessions with the four had been for him, too. They had looked to him for guidance and help, and hed been able to give it to them. Maybe he would be able to deal with his own problems.
When Emma showed up to take the boys home, he didnt know what to say to her. She deserved more than he could give her. He didnt know how long it would take for him to overcome his PTSD.
Emma said, Josh, you and the guys go on out to the car. Ill be there in a minute.
Then Emma turned to Jake with a neutral expression. Slowly, hurt invaded her eyes. I wanted to thank you for doing this for them. Josh was so disappointed not to be able to come on Tuesday, but he understood you needed time and so did I. Her voice became husky. My feelings are the same whether you have a panic attack or not. That doesnt define you as a person in my mind. She waited a moment for him to say something and, when he didnt, she swung around and left.
He knew he loved her as he watched her walk away, but no words came to mind to say to her. He couldnt come to her the way he was now.
*
In the pitch dark Jake woke up to the sound of ice pelting his bedroom window. He tried his lamp on the nightstand but nothing happened. His battery-operated clock read six oclock. The chill in the air indicated the electricity had been off for hours.
The predicted ice storm must have moved in last night. He needed to get up and check outside. If it didnt look as if the electricity was coming on anytime soon, he would use the generator hed bought for an emergency like this. But the warmth under his covers enticed him to stay in bed until it was light enough to see rather than make his way to the kitchen in the dark to get his flashlight.
The continual bombarding of the ice against his house set off alarm bells in his mind. He hadnt been in an ice storm in years, but it c
ould leave a town crippled if it lasted long. Did Emma have a generator to warm at least part of her house? The temperature high for the next few days was only supposed to be in the mid-twenties. Maybe in the morning hed try calling her if the phones still worked and find out if she was all right. Hed feel better
The blare of his phone startled him. His heartbeat accelerated as he fumbled for it on the bedside table. Hello.
Jake, a tree fell on our house. Moms trapped in her bedroom. Tears laced Joshs urgent words.
Ill be right there, Josh. Is she hurt?
She says no but she cant get out and the ice is falling on her. I called 911, but they cant get here for a while.
Throwing back the covers, Jake swung his legs over the side of the bed, then rose. Dont go in there. Tell her Im coming.
Hurry. Im scared.
In the dark Jake searched for the jeans and sweatshirt hed tossed toward the chair last night. When he found them, he dressed quickly, telling himself over and over Emma and Josh were okay. He would get them and bring them back here. But his heart pounded against his rib cage, and his chest felt tight.
Feeling his way to the kitchen, he went through his mental routine to keep him focused on getting to Emmas without having a panic attack. After he retrieved the large flashlight, he looked for a saw in his toolbox, then started for the front door.
The sky a dark gray, Jake paused on his porch to figure the best way to go while he swept his flashlight in a wide arc over the terrain. Ice coated everything at least an inch thick, glittering when his light hit it. Although the landscape was beautiful to behold, to be out in it was dangerous. Fortunately, snow was beginning to fall and would allow him to walk better.
Bundled up, Jake descended the steps, gripping the railing, then headed out into the mixture of falling snow and ice. Lord, please keep Emma and Josh safe. Help me to get there before any harm is done.
The silence was eerie until a loud noise like the crack of a rifle reverberated in the air. Adrenaline pumped through him. Instead of tensing, he breathed from the diaphragm, slow, deep inhalations. He began to relax, even when another cracking noiselouder, nearerechoed through the quiet. A limb on Marcellas oak in the front snapped and crashed to the ground. When Emma and Josh were safe back at his house, he would check on his neighbor.
Her Holiday Hero Page 17
