by C. A. Harms
“So then you show up here before nine the next morning? And use my mother as your in.”
He smiled and I couldn’t keep myself from doing the same. “You’re lucky I didn’t show up at five.” He shrugged. “As for your mom, don’t underestimate her. That woman gave me one hell of a lecture about what is and isn’t acceptable in regards to her daughter.”
“Who knew?” I said with a shrug as I imagined my sweet mother laying into Beau. It made me smile.
“She’s a little scary when she gets fired up,” he added, his eyes widened just a bit, which only triggered a laugh to fall from my lips. “So do you forgive me?” He slid his hand around the back of my neck, holding me in place.
“I’m working on it.” I pressed my hand to the center of his chest and he closed his eyes for only a split second, as if fighting against something. I still wasn’t sure what.
“Things are gonna change, Ashlynn, that’s a promise.” I wanted to believe him, but a part of me still questioned everything about us. My head was telling me to let go and move on from this. That it was time to accept that what we had wasn’t as great as I’d hoped for.
But then I looked at him, scanned over his gorgeous face, and allowed myself to remember the man he was when we first met. He was adorable, sweet, and kind. He treated me like a princess, like I was the center of his world. Somewhere along the way he changed and I think we lost track of the people we once were. I just wasn’t sure we could get back to that place.
“Can you work on forgiving me while you let me lie in bed next to you and hold you?” When Beau pressed a kiss to my forehead he let out a slow steady breath. “I’m exhausted and honestly the only thing I want to do is fall asleep with you in my arms.”
Even though inside I was questioning everything we were, I couldn’t help feeling as if him doing just that would allow me a glimpse of the Beau I loved. Maybe I’d gain some perspective and decide if moving forward was truly what I wanted.
“You need to shower first.”
“Will you join me?” I could feel him smile against my forehead and I pushed against his chest to gain some space.
“Slow down,” I told him. “I haven’t fully decided if I forgive you yet.” Telling him that I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go from here was something I held back for now. It wasn’t worth the long conversation that would most likely lead to an argument. I was too tired to hash out the details of our future, if we even had one.
I turned around and started walking back to my room. I could hear the shuffle of his feet as he hurried after me, doing his best to convince me to reconsider. When he realized that I had no intention of budging, he gave in and showered quickly before climbing in bed next to me.
Again the light flashed on my cell, but instead of reading the message I curled in toward Beau’s body and let him do just as he asked. He held me close, his lips pressed to the side of my neck, his body practically covering mine. I lay perfectly still, concentrating on nothing but the sound of his breathing, and when I knew he was asleep, I closed my own eyes and faded away.
Chapter Four
I woke to the sound of my phone vibrating against the hard surface of my tiled floor. Over and over it rang, and just as I presumed it’d gone to voicemail, it paused for only a minute before ringing all over again. Reaching out to my side I found the bed empty where Beau had been only a few hours ago. Instantly I looked around my room for him, only to come up empty.
My phone broke the silence once more and I hurried from my bed. Seeking out its location, I found it on the floor between my nightstand and bed.
By this time another call had gone to voicemail and I saw on my screen I had six missed calls and a few unread texts from Hayley.
I fully intended to call her back, because even for Hayley this was a bit excessive, but once again she chose to call me. When I answered she didn’t even give me a chance to say a word before she spoke.
“Will you please answer your door?”
“Well, hello to you too.”
Hayley is a bit dramatic, she always has been. She’s a full-blown valley girl, with the blonde hair, blue eyes, and “Oh my god” attitude to boot. She can be a little much at times, but this time there was something different in her voice.
“It’s important, Ash.” I didn’t like her tone. It was missing that chipper, happy go lucky vibe she always carried. “Please.”
“Okay,” I said as I was already moving across the house toward the front door. “I’m coming.”
When I opened the door, I could see her eyes looked reddened and my stomach tensed. “Are you okay?” I asked, completely worried as I stepped to the side and motioned for her to come in.
“I’m fine.” She looked around the living room, a confused expression covering her face. “It’s just that I, uh—”
She appeared lost and it was alarming. “Hey.” I reached out and touched her arm. Just then her tears begin to fall heavier. I stepped forward and instantly took her in my arms, rocking her from side to side. “You’re starting to freak me out a little bit.” More like a lot.
It took her a minute to compose herself but once she did, she stepped back and created some space between us. “Ash, I didn’t want to be the one that had to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?” If she didn’t tell me soon I was gonna shake it out of her. A person could only take so much suspense before they snapped.
“It’s about Beau. He, ah—” She again took in a deep shuddering breath. I could tell she was fighting some type of inner battle.
“He what?”
“He slept with Noelle,” she blurted out, louder than I think she intended, and it made me jerk in reaction to the way her voice echoed throughout the living room. “Last night after you left. I just found out this morning. Everyone’s talking about it.”
“Who’s Noelle?” I tried to remain calm, as if who she was truly mattered.
“The girl he was talking to last night, the one with the necklace he was so-called admiring.” She took in another deep breath. “Kyler and he got into it after we left, Beau swung at him first, then Kyler hit him back.”
I took a few steps backward and used the frame of the arched doorway to hold me up. Kyler and Beau fighting, him cheating, it was all slowly sinking in.
“Bryce broke it up and Laken ended up taking Kyler home before things got out of hand.”
“How do you know that Beau slept with this girl?” I wanted to believe it was only a rumor. I was grasping at straws, I know. Deep down I think I already knew it was true. I felt something was off this morning when he showed up, but I guess I wanted to make sure my insecurities had some solid proof.
“Kristen was adamant about staying at the club. Troy wanted her there and we all know how she has a thing for him, so I went home after instead of going back to pick her up.”
“So Kristin saw them together?”
“Along with everyone else who was there.”
I felt lightheaded.
“How?” My throat felt like I was attempting to swallow a handful of needles. “Did they just…” I couldn’t get the words out, they were lodged in my throat.
“They were all over each other near the bar, then they just went outside.”
“They just did it right there in the open?”
“In his car, as if anyone passing by didn’t even matter.”
All I could do was nod; I had no words. My heart was breaking, slowly. An agonizing ache was building, and though I tried to fight it, it took over.
“He was here this morning.” I was talking more to myself than to her, as if I was trying to figure out what he hoped to accomplish by this. “He said all the right things, making me feel like maybe we had a chance to make things right. He said he wanted things to be different, that he was done with the parties and drinking. But that’s what he does. He plays people, using his charm to dig himself out of the holes he finds himself in.”
I finally looked up at her, just as the first tear s
lid over my cheek.
“I think I knew he wasn’t telling me the truth, I felt it.” I placed my hand over my heart as if the pressure could somehow soothe the ache. “But instead of pushing him and demanding the truth, I chose to do what I always do. I believed he was sorry and that he was genuine. I let him play me.” More tears fell. “I’m an idiot.”
“No.” She placed one hand on each of my forearms and looked me in the eyes. “He’s the idiot. He never deserved you.”
***
I sat on the back patio, staring off at the sunset. It reminded me of just yesterday morning when my mother and I sat in this very same place. A time before it all fell apart. I wanted to go back there, to that place where things were lighthearted and fun. But instead I sat here, trying to hold it all together. My father came home a few hours ago, and when he found me sitting in the living room staring off, completely oblivious to his presence, he rushed toward me. My eyes swollen from my tears and my hair a mess from me running my hands through it only made his worry grow.
It was one of the few times I’ve seen him in such a panicked state.
More tears fell as I revisited the entire night before. From my mother and I sharing yet another photo session to the party and all that followed. With each word I spoke I watched the man I’d always known as calm and collected morph into one filled with anger and hate. His eyes narrowed, his jaw flexed, and his hand gripped the arm of the chair at my side so tight his knuckles turned white.
He wanted to kill Beau. He wanted to drive to his condo and drag him out by his neck. These were the words my sweet father spoke. The sorry little fucker would pay, he insisted. And again I was surprised by his anger.
I sat in silence as he paced the floor. I let him tear into the man I loved, because at that moment I hated Beau too. All the things my father said were the things I wanted to do as well. A need to make Beau feel as lost as I felt was overpowering.
Which is what led me to the present—sitting outside waiting for Beau to show. If he made it past my father alive, I’d get the chance to redeem my wounded heart. I strongly suggested that my father allow me my time before he beat the sorry bastard to within an inch of his life. His words, not mine.
I didn’t call Beau because I knew the moment I heard his voice I wouldn’t be able to hold back all the things I had to say. He didn’t deserve the easy way out; he would get this face to face. I wanted to see the look in his eyes when he tried to claw his way out of this one.
A simple text was all he got.
Me: Come over around eight.
I was so lost in thought that when I heard yelling I jerked in surprise. Spinning around in the lounge chair, I saw my father holding Beau by the neck, pressing him against the solid glass windows that lined the back of our house.
“Oh my God,” I screeched as I jumped up and began to run toward the house. The sounds of anger could be heard the second the door came open.
“I should break your nose,” my father said angrily. “I trusted you with her, you worthless piece of shit.”
“Dad, no.” He didn’t even look at me, only continued to stare at the man I once thought could be my everything. “Please.” I gave one last attempt.
I watched as my father’s shoulders sagged in defeat and he reluctantly removed his hand from Beau’s neck. I could see the struggle inside my father to remain at a distance. It was something I’d never witnessed before. He was like a completely different man.
In that instant I’d forgotten about Beau as I stood observing the torment raging inside my dad. That was until he spoke, reminding me of his presence.
“What the hell is going on?”
At this point I’d cried far too many tears over Beau to shed anymore, at least for the moment. Those tears had been replaced with my own anger. The need to lash out and hurt him like he’d hurt me.
“Don’t play games.” I stood tall, refusing to let his charm faze me. “They may have worked before, but they aren’t gonna work now.”
“Ash.” He reached out for me and I shrugged away. Realization hit him.
“I wasted a year of my life on you. Wasted so much energy, for what?”
“I love you.” He tilted his head to the side, lowering his voice. “You love me, that’s not a waste.”
I laughed. I don’t know why because nothing about the situation was funny. I guess it was related to how pathetic his attempt to placate me was.
“You showed up here this morning because you felt guilty about what you’d done. It was your sick way of making yourself feel better for being such a heartless pig.” His gaze shifted to something over my shoulder and I followed his glance to find my mother standing next to my father. She could see the tension rolling off my dad and concern etched her features.
Instead of soothing her worries I returned my attention to Beau. I had to get this out. I just wanted him gone, but not before I said what I needed to.
“Can we talk about this privately?”
I laughed. God, I must have looked like a crazy person, only I didn’t care.
“What’s wrong, don’t you want your mother to find out that her son is a cheating asshole?” I heard my mother gasp. “Oops,” I shrugged, “looks like it’s too late for that. You know she’ll find out now.”
“It was a mistake.”
“You showed up at my house, talking about how I’m it for you, about loving me and wanting only me but it was all about attempting to protect yourself. Less than eight hours prior to that sad display you were having sex with another woman. In your car, in plain sight, for anyone close to view.”
He actually had the audacity to look upset, and for a split second a small part of me believed he may have regretted it. Only that small part faded fast. “I hope that she’s worth it.”
“No.” He reached out for me; I let him grip my hand and pull me against him. I allowed him to hold me close one last time. For all the good times we shared, I let him have this. Not because I owed him anything, but it was the closure I needed to end this chapter of my life. Label it as a life lesson, I guess.
“I love you, Ash,” he whispered near my ear and I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. I’d have lied if I’d said I wouldn’t miss this. I’d miss the times he did hold me and make me feel like what we had was real. “We can make it past this.”
After one last deep breath, I stepped back and looked up at Beau. “We can’t, because I’m worth more than what you’ve given me. I’d never forgive myself if I settled for a man who didn’t put me first.”
“You are first.”
“If that lie makes you feel better about what you’ve done, then keep telling it to yourself, but I know different.”
I pushed his hands away when he made one last attempt to reach out and I walked away, leaving him standing in the living room with my parents. I no longer cared if my father pulverized him. Or maybe it would be my mother, considering she was glaring at him with an equal amount of hate.
I was done; we were done.
Chapter Five
Six weeks later
Digging my toes in the sand, I squinted up at the bright sun above and enjoyed the warmth on my face. The heat of the afternoon made my cellphone feel sticky from the perspiration that formed on my ear.
“Are you ready to come home yet?” I laughed at the longing in Hayley’s voice.
“Why, do you miss me?”
“Um, yes.” Her voice rose. “It’s been forever.”
“It’s been six days.”
“Yes, but the time before that was eleven and the time before that was eight. If you combine them all together it has been far too long.” I smiled and reached for my cocktail on the small table at my side. Lifting it to my lips, I took a small sip and I held back the satisfied moan that rippled through me.
Paradise Beach in Fiji is beautiful, and when my mother offered to let me tag along during a photo shoot for the third time in a row, I didn’t hesitate for a minute. Now there I was in paradise, and I di
dn’t want to leave.
“By this time tomorrow, I’ll be back in California and you’ll no longer have to miss me.” Even saying those words made me sad. Yes, I missed my friends and my life, but going back to Santa Barbara meant facing Beau and everyone else who knew what he’d done.
“Have you heard anything more from him?”
“Not for the last couple of days.” I was glad he was finally getting the hint. When I said it was over, I meant it was over. I didn’t want to think what would happen once I returned home. At least here I had thousands of miles that separated me from the humiliation. The idea that everyone might be talking about what he’d done made me feel nauseated.
“I haven’t seen him lately. He hasn’t been coming when we all get together.”
“I have one more day of Beau-free drama before I’ll be forced to face it again.” I didn’t want to think about any of it until I had to. “Let’s talk about anything but him.”
Hayley and I talked for another hour as I stared off, watching my mother work her magic. Gorgeous, fit, exotic models posed in the water along the sandy beaches, and seeing it gave me a euphoric feeling inside. The deep longing to be free made me regret the last year of my life, the time I wasted on a man who wasn’t capable of the kind of love I longed for. It was all a fantasy, me trying to place Beau in that role. He was weak, not only to the temptation of a willing girl during a time of turmoil, but in all aspects of his life.
It made me regret living in my tiny little bubble when there was so much opportunity to live. I had held onto the possibility that Beau and I could get back to that place we once were. But the truth was I was in love with the earlier version of him, and that guy was gone.
