I let the scalding hot water run over my rigid body. The burning sensation helped numb every facet of me. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was a disappointed Gray. I knew exactly what he would think of me, if he could see what I was putting up with. Regardless of how Gray and I ended up, knowing how disappointed he would be shook me to my core.
I must have stayed in the shower ten minutes too long because Hannah was rapping at the door minutes later. “Han, chill out. I will be done in five minutes.” I huffed as I turned off the faucet and wrapped my towel around my body.
I glanced up in mirror and instantly regretted it. My lip and jaw were covered in black and purple. My right eye had a decent sized gash, running the length of my eyebrow. I skimmed my finger across my cheekbone, where a new bruise was now starting to form. Why couldn’t he stay away from my damn face? At least people wouldn’t look at me with their judgmental stares, when it was on my body. I dropped my hands onto the cool porcelain and gripped the sides as hard as I could.
I was done! There was nothing left for him to break down. He had demolished any semblance of what should be my soul. I wanted me back. When I cracked open the door, I spotted Hannah sitting on the edge of my bed. Her face was shattered. She looked dismal and I knew this was my entire fault. I was praying that she would forgive me, for putting her and Theo in this position. I tucked the towel under my arm and limped my way over to where she sat. I scooted next to her without saying a word. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. I didn’t want her to hate me, though she couldn’t possibly hate me more than I already hated myself.
I lightly pressed a comforting hand to her back, “Hannah?”
“Yeah?” I caught her swiping the back of her hand across her face, catching a free falling tear. My heart was breaking.
“Hannah, I am so sorry for what happened. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me. I completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I-” She cut me off before I could finish my apology.
“Bennett, are you stupid? This wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for any of this. If that asshole Raylon would have just stayed away, everything would have been fine.” She was now pacing back and forth in front of me. It was her way of dealing with stress. “I can’t believe you would think that I hated you. I’m warning you though Bennett, I swear to God, if I ever see him again, I will kill him.”
I didn’t doubt anything, Hannah was saying. “I know Han, I believe you.” I reached for her hand to pull her into me. “How could I have fucked up my whole life, with one hasty decision?” I whispered into her shoulder.
We sat there holding each other for quite a while. Theo eventually came in to see if we were doing okay. He took in our embrace and left closing the door behind him. Hannah helped me stand up and get dressed. I was in far more pain than I lead on but Hannah wasn’t stupid, she knew me better than that. She brought me some Ibuprofen and tucked me into bed. Her lips brushed against my forehead and I thanked my lucky stars that I had someone like her. I met her gaze with a shaky smile as she turned out the light and closed my door. All I wanted to do was sleep, forever.
Nineteen
I sauntered into the coffee shop down the street with a renewed sense of self worth. The bruises on my face hadn’t completely vanished yet, but they were easily covered with makeup, making them almost unnoticeable. It had been five weeks since I had seen Raylon that night. He never came back to the house and no contact was made. Though he had physically vanished, I could still feel his presence in everything that I did. I knew what he was capable of, and I couldn’t let my guard down, not for a second.
I ordered my usual and headed out to the metal tables outside. The weather was colder now that we were halfway into November but it was still warm enough to be outside, well on most days. I sipped my latte and smiled. Hannah and I were hanging out almost everyday and Theo and I were getting closer every day. He had turned into my safety blanket in a sense over the last month. I started having nightmares after Raylon’s altercation, and mine but they were slowly subsiding.
I pushed my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose, when I caught sight of an all too familiar face walking in my direction. My breath hitched in my throat and I was finding it difficult to breathe. My heart was beating out of my chest. I nervously ran my fingers through my dark auburn tendrils. My palms started to sweat as he creped closer. I took another sip from my cup trying not to let him notice me, noticing him.
“Bennett?” God his voice was as smooth as butter. I could have died happy the moment my name rolled off of his tongue.
I turned and caught the sun gleaming off of his perfectly straight white smile. “Gray?” What the Hell was he doing here? The sun danced across his copper hair that was now cut extremely short on the sides but still longer on top. He looked so different. He looked older, more refined. Damn, he was still just as gorgeous if not more so now. His voice broke through my revelry not a minute too soon.
“I honestly didn’t think I would find you.” He was shielding his eyes from the sun and they captured me immediately. They were like a tractor beam pulling me in.
I cleared my throat. “Were you looking for me?” I knew it was a stupid question the minute I asked. Why would he ever be looking for me? My eyes raked down his taught muscular frame. He had definitely gotten bigger and filled out nicely with more muscle tone. My eyes stopped on his chest, I noticed he was wearing my favorite shirt. It was a dark gray, long sleeved, cotton tee that read ‘awesome’ across the chest. My heart melted into my insides.
He sat himself down in the metal chair across from me. “I was, actually. You look, well, you look amazing, Bennett.” His smile broadened and I couldn’t help but smile in return.
I glanced down at my navy cowl neck sweater and dark wash skinny jeans. I was suddenly thankful that I had actually put myself together today. “Thanks Gray. I don’t mean to be rude but why are you here?” I regretted it the minute the words came out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. That was rude.” I blushed and reached for my drink, trying to distract myself.
His hand touched mine and the electricity surged between us. I pulled back; shocked at the way my body still reacted to him.
“It’s okay Bennett. I get it. I’ve wanted to come see you for a while now. It was actually Hannah, who convinced me to finally follow through with it. I got into town about a month ago but I-”
I looked up at him under the blanket of lashes. Why did he have to stop talking? I didn’t know what to say and my mouth was frozen in place. It had been years since seeing Gray and I was feeling so many emotions, all at once. Anger was standing out amongst the rest of them at the moment, so I bit my tongue to keep from saying something I would regret later.
“I couldn’t bring myself to see you. I know how that must sound to you but … I don’t know. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come.” He stood up to leave. It took everything inside of me not to lunge for him; I needed to hear him talk.
My hand instinctively reached for his and I gave it a little tug, “Please stay and talk to me.” I pulled my hand back as I saw his eyes land on it. I didn’t know if I had offended him but he sat back down in the chair. He seemed to visibly relax a bit before I opened my mouth asking, what I knew would send him running for the hills. “Gray, can you ever forgive me?” I closed my eyes tight, praying he would still be sitting there when I opened them.
I felt his hand brush across my cheek, “I already have.”
My eyes fluttered, trying to comprehend what I had just heard. The words came out of his mouth, hitting me full force. If I had standing, the overwhelming emotions floating through me would have knocked me over. My enthusiasm wavered when I saw the forlorn look on his face. So much for a happy moment. Was I really expecting him to swoop me up into his arms, promising we could live happily ever after? I was suddenly dying inside, again. This feeling of being inadequate was all too familiar. I needed to walk away while my dignity was still in tact. I shook my head silently, acknowledging his fo
rgiveness. I pressed my palms onto the metal table pushing myself up.
“I hope you know how sorry I am Gray. There was no malicious intent when I did what I did. I was devastated, knowing that I had pushed away the only man to ever accept me for me. Now that you have forgiven me, maybe I can start to forgive myself.” I gathered my belongings, pushing my purse strap onto my shoulder. I took one last look at his radiant face, committing it to memory. “It was good to see you Gray.” I turned on my heel to walk away, but his hand caught a hold of my arm. I flinched at the tenderness I was still experiencing but pushed through it.
“Wait, maybe I’m a little dense but why are you walking away from me?” He gently tugged at my forearm turning me towards him. “I have to say this is not what I expected.” He dropped his grip on me and pushed his hand back through his hair.
“What exactly were you expecting Gray?” I couldn’t help the annoyance laced around my words.
“Damn it Bennett, I don’t know, but not his. I guess I figured you would actually, want to see me. Fuck! I mean it’s been almost four fucking years since we have even seen each other. Do you really have nothing at all to say to me?”
“I-” Words were failing me. I couldn’t think a single coherent thought. I wanted him to run to me, hold me, tell me how much he loved and missed me. God, I wanted anything he was willing to give me. I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head, wanting him to see the longing in my eyes. I was grasping for something tangible, as he still had the ability to send my world, crumbling around me. Our eyes met with burning passion.
“I’m sorry Bennett. I mean truly sorry, for everything. I did so many things wrong. I should have been there for you. I should have bulldozed my way back into your life, long before now. I can’t breathe without you. You were my whole life for so long. I know I was wrong but fuck; you all but ripped my heart out. I just wanted to be a factor in your decision. I wanted the chance to have a choice.” His eyes were locked on mine, barely blinking.
“I’m sorry Gray. I should have given you the option to say yes or no. I know what I took from you and I will never forgive myself for that. You can’t make me feel any worse, than I already do.” The wind had since picked up and I was hugging my arms to chest, trying to stay warm. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Gray. I honestly hope that you are. I have to go.” I turned and darted off in the direction of the house. I couldn’t bring myself to expel any more tears, for Gray Weston. I was all cried out.
I didn’t look back at where I left him standing. I couldn’t bear to watch his heart breaking as mine was, at this very moment. I turned the corner onto our street, sighing with relief when our house came into view. My sanctuary awaited me and I all but ran the last fifty feet. I flung the door open, sending it flying against the wall. Hannah and Theo were nowhere in site and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t have the strength to deal with their barrage of questions while still dealing with my own.
I closed the front door locking it in place behind me. I made my way into my bedroom, looking for solace. I flopped onto my back landing on my pillows. Why, why did he have to seek me out? I was finally starting to lead a somewhat normal existence before today.
I had accepted the fact that we would never speak again, let alone see each other. I leaned over the side of my bed grasping the handle to my nightstand drawer firmly. I knew exactly what needed to be done and I finally had the courage to do it.
I pulled the now yellowed envelope from its hiding place, underneath my parent’s picture. The tips of my fingers traced the script, spelling out my name across the front. I pressed the thick paper against my nose. His smell had almost faded, completely. I let out a loud sigh before slipping my finger under the back flap, releasing the hold of the old glue. I pushed myself back against my headboard before pulling out the contents. I unfolded the lined page covered in his handwriting. My eyes slid closed, taking in a deep needed breath before reading his thoughts.
Dear Bennett, September 28, 2008
Today our baby would be four months olds, at least from what I had calculated. Not a second of any day goes past, without me thinking of ‘it’ and you. It has been a year since the last time we had spoke. There are so many things I wish I could take back. You deserved a better man than me. I know that I would have done right by you and our baby if I had been given the chance. I was thrilled when Hannah called and told me. I couldn’t believe that life would be that good to me. You were, are, still my reason for breathing and existing.
I know our baby would have been beautiful. I know this because you are beautiful. I always envied your strength and courage; I just wish I could find a piece of that now. I’m lost and shattered. My world has turned into a dark and lonely abyss. I don’t live anymore I just exist. I’m living in Boston now. It’s okay. I like my job but I have lost the passion. I’ve been trying to keep tabs on you in a discrete way. I try not to ask Hannah for too much information but sometimes she volunteers it. I live for those days.
I got married about a month ago and divorced two weeks later. I’m not exactly sure why. She wasn’t you! I guess I just needed to feel, something. She’s a nice girl but she knew my heart would never belong to her. God, I don’t know what I am without you, Bennett. I’m just a soulless man living out my days the best I can. I miss you. I know that probably doesn’t help, but I do. I miss you so much and I love you even more. I just want you back in my life. I need you to come back to me. I need you to make me whole. I’m dying here without you.
Come home to me Bennett. Come back to me, please.
I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be,
G
The letter slipped through my trembling fingers and onto the floor. I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened, if I had opened the damn thing all those years ago. Thoughts of what our life could have been like flashed before my eyes. All this time, I had the answer to mending the broken pieces of my heart. Why couldn’t he have just picked up the damn phone?
I plucked the thin piece of paper from the floor and shoved it back into its envelope and back into the drawer. I could feel the walls closing in on me. All the hurt and pain was fighting its way up to the surface. I fled to the backyard as fast as my feet could carry me. I slid out the back door and onto the extensive deck over looking the vast stretch of grass. My mind kept drifting to visions of our child, playing in ‘our’ tree house, back at our parents’ house.
I made my way to the center of the yard. The crunchy, dew-covered blades of grass tickled my bare feet. The sun was just beginning to set behind the line of trees. I started out spinning in circles slowly, but quickly propelled myself faster. I let my arms float up beside me, hands splayed as the wind blew through every strand of my hair. My heart felt lighter and I felt, alive.
I was becoming dizzy so I slowed my pace, my hand landing hard against a strong, unyielding surface. I instantly clutched my now throbbing hand against my chest. When I turned around to see what I could have possibly hit, my eyes caught his smoldering glare.
“Gray, what the Hell are you doing here?” I rubbed my hand forcing the pain away.
“You didn’t really leave me with any other choice now, did you?” He smirked while reaching out for my hurt hand. His touch sent my stomach into spasms.
I gently pulled my hand from his, “How did you even know where I lived?”
He let out a loud boisterous laugh, “I am a cop Bennett, or did you forget that?”
“No, I didn’t forget.” I smirked. My feet were beginning to go numb. The sun had dipped further behind the horizon and the cold was seeping through to my bones.
“You know you’re supposed to wear shoes during winter time, right?”
I wasn’t finding his teasing amusing. I rolled my eyes heading towards the stairs to the deck. His hands clasped around my wrists spinning me into his chest. I gasped at the closeness of our bodies. My gaze fell to his lips, which were nearly inches away from touching mine. I caught my botto
m lip between my teeth, biting down, trying to push the desire to touch my lips to his away.
“Please stop doing that,” he whispered. His sweet breath caressed my sensitive skin all the way down to my core.
Damn!
Twenty
His voice dropped into a hushed tone, “Bennett, why didn’t you just tell me? We could have figured it out together.”
I pulled my hands out of his grip, hearing his condescending tone. “Let’s not do this Gray. What’s done is done we can’t go back. As much as I wish I could, I can’t undue what I did.” My defenses were falling back into place and I wanted to shut him out.
He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “You think I don’t know that? I know we can’t go back but we can start over.” His eyes remained focused on his feet.
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